CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 So.... Had a 4 yr relationship. He broke up with me in Feb and I moved out. We were in LC for about 4 months then started to hang out as friends. Started seeing each other again end of July. In sept I moved to a new place. For just over 2 months I haven't even stayed at my new place. When I offered him space, he would still invite me over. We had planned dates, and lots of fun together. Talked about us some. This past Sunday he ended up at dinner with another girl.... They ran into each other at the bar watching the game and were hungry... Monday morning he wakes up and must have realized we were in a relationship. He said I should start staying at my place more, but leave our cat at his place, only stay some of the time. I was shocked. He said we rushed in to things, and wasn't sure if he was ready to be back together. Said when we broke up it is because he thought it was what was best at the time and now he isn't sure. He wants to actually date. Makes sense. I got jealous of the dinner he had, and him talking to another girl. Now he says I should move the cat out too. He would like to date, both of us keep our options open... Like we would starting over. It makes sense. I was hurt and pissed at the time, but it makes sense. We never should have jumped right back in to things, he said he saw some of the old issues coming up, and would like to date to see if we could work on them. He is being honest. He says he doesn't want to string me along. I told him EXACTLY what I want. He said he is not ready to give me that right now. But wants to date to see where it goes. And talk more along the way this time. I believe him. But this is really hard! I told him I want 2 weeks of space and then we can date. Told him I expect him to plan a fun date and pick me up- do all the things people do when they first start dating! He called. He agreed and said he can help me out with some things I need done at the apt as well. How do you start over? It does kinda sound like fun, but it means I also have to be prepared that he might also date other people? Has anyone done this? Advice?? Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 My two cents... he is weaning himself from the relationship. I would never ever after staying 2 months in the same living quarters with someone trying to reconcile a relationship accept that moving out... starting all over with dating... AND be able to date others a positive step toward getting my relationship back on track. You've told him what you want and he was honest that he isn't in that place. Its clear that suddenly he feels the desire to be free to spend time with others without being held accountable. Who knows if he really will end up with you once he has toyed around and maybe he is realizing what led to the demise of the first relationship is still there and nothing has changed so in essence his needs are not met in what he is looking for in something committed. Your best bet in my opinion is to hold your head high and let it known that you aren't comfortable with him dating others and for that reason - your out. Maybe he will miss you enough to really decide its you he truly wants. Maybe he doesn't. As much as it sucks you need to be prepared that he will let you walk and keep on walking. I think you are settling for a guy who wants you until something better comes along. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 He has told me straight out that he does have feelings for me, and likes spending time with me. And would like to date. He isn't ready for a commitment. Maybe that does mean that he wants to make sure I am the one for him by dating others... Isn't that what you do when you are dating non exclusively. We talked about what I want in a relationship. And he isn't ready for it. We broke up for a reason and he wants to make sure those reasons aren't still there. While we split I found other friends and have been working on keeping those relationships. He was very upfront and honest. After we talked about what I want in the future in a committed relationship he said he is not ready for that yet. If he didn't want to be with me at all, he wouldn't even want to date me. That is where I thought the conversation was going. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 When dating an ex, I thought dating as friends was the best place to start? We jumped back, and he realized the signs, we should have done this in the first place. I was pissed at first too. Told him I wasn't sure if I could do it. Then realized we should have done that first... Then it wouldn't seem like such a big deal. "Funny" thing is... I thought about suggesting the same thing about 6 weeks ago, but I have been trying to give up control and go with the flow more. Working on that. Wish I would have said something! But since we can only move forward this is where I am. Thing I know about him is... If not part of him wanted any future with me ever. He wouldn't want to date me at all. We also never talked about trying to reconcile while there. It was unknown territory to us. I don't think either of us thought it would get to this... We are getting better at communicating, something he said he will work on with me. I sent him a text after a short email I sent. "Basically we broke up for a reason. I like you, and I know you have feelings for me as well (because he told me). We shouldn't have fallen back into things. Starting a new relationship would be great. Dating as friends, take it slow and see how things go. If I have the wrong idea about any of this let me know." Then he immediately called me and said ... It makes sense. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 I don't want to play devils advocate but my gut response to this If not part of him wanted any future with me ever. He wouldn't want to date me at all is that you are comfortable and familiar and he does like you. It feels good when he spends time with you but he is finding out it feels good to spend time with others too. I think its perfectly acceptable when trying to re-establish a relationship with someone that you take things slow but in general there really isn't the whole - let's be open to date others if we want to. You were committed in a 4yr relationship prior. You either want to work it out with someone or you don't. I would find his proposal to you acceptable if it weren't for the TWO other red flags - 1) he realized and decided this after having an impromptu dinner with girl at the bar AND 2) he wants to be free to date other people. You will do what you want but I think this is setting up for more serious heartbreak when you find out he's dating some other girl more than he is dating you. Link to comment
surfjon Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 IT WILL NOT WORK..... The ambivalence is the giveaway...... My ex GF tried this with me, 4 months after dumping me.....I fell for it only to have to dump her a month ago for the same ambivalent behavior...... It's over, accept that, and the position that he is using you to "wean himself off the relationship" is 100% accurate, mine did this for the same reason..... Walk, and keep walking...DO NOT look back or feel bad for this person, they wanted out...they got out, let em stay the hell out..... Link to comment
QWit Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 smh.... you have learned nothing.. He is once again placing you back into a FWB situation.. You need to stop fooling yourself and stop making excuses for his behavior.. He gave you those lines because well, you are not his cup of tea and some other woman has caught his eye.. You are not starting over. If you all are reconciling, he wouldn't suggest dating other people.. You are just familiar to him and you are not making yourself look any better by agreeing with his terms.. You are probably going to be back here asking ENA if "he is your boyfriend".. Stop playing around with that guy and ask him if he want to be with you as his girlfriend.. Once again, you are settling and he is getting to be with you on his terms.. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 When you start seeing someone after a break up... Isn't it possible that you might be seeing other people... And might still until you decide to date exclusively!? We skipped that part. Now we are trying to make things right. Would be much easier to cut ties and end it. I though you weren't supposed to jump back in... Link to comment
QWit Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 When you start seeing someone after a break up... Isn't it possible that you might be seeing other people... And might still until you decide to date exclusively!? We skipped that part. Now we are trying to make things right. Would be much easier to cut ties and end it. I though you weren't supposed to jump back in... Reconciliation should have been between the two of you. Not any outside parties.. I think he is giving you the run around because some other girls have caught his attention.. Until he is sure he wants just you, you should cut ties because it doesn't even sound like he has changed.. Also, I agree with him using you to get over you.. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 Well... I just got my answer. I asked him by text to tell me if he knew he never wanted a commitment with me to tell me and I don't want to date. Told him he was being ambiguous and I needed to know. There was more... But I won't bore you. He called and said "do I see a possibility of a future with you? Yes- otherwise I wouldn't want to take you out on dates and spend time with you nerd." Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 This means we are dating, and I need to ask does anyone have any advice for that? Link to comment
QWit Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 So, if I understand the text correctly, you asked him "if he was committed to you and you don't want to date other people?" Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 The way he words things doesnt seem right to me..to me he keeping you on the line incase something better doesnt come along... I got back with my ex and we took things slow, but she didnt act like this. Its like he is dancing around the questions and not giving your a direct answer Link to comment
QWit Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 The way he words things doesnt seem right to me..to me he keeping you on the line incase something better doesnt come along... I got back with my ex and we took things slow, but she didnt act like this. Its like he is dancing around the questions and not giving your a direct answer this is how it comes off to me as well.. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 He wants to be open to dating other people. That's ok. That's what dating is. Then you become exclusive with the one you to decide to... There is no keeping me on the line. We are dating. The possibility to date others is pen. He told me directly, not by text. That he does see the possibility of a future with me and wants to date and spend time together. This is starting over for us. Seeing how things go. He may find someone better for him than me, if that's the case I want him to be happy. Every person is different, we already screwed up by jumping in too fast. This is where our relationship is at right now, and I am comfortable with it. Yes I will be upset if he does date someone else. But wouldn't you get upset if someone you just started dating dated someone else too... Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 When someone honestly and true says yes I am dating you because I see the possibility of a future with you. If you like that person, why do you all still doubt? Link to comment
QWit Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 I got jealous of the dinner he had, and him talking to another girl. Now he says I should move the cat out too. He would like to date, both of us keep our options open... Like we would starting over. It makes sense. I was hurt and pissed at the time, but it makes sense. We never should have jumped right back in to things, he said he saw some of the old issues coming up, and would like to date to see if we could work on them. He is being honest. He says he doesn't want to string me along. Sometimes you have to read your own writing.. This reaks of settling (along with that other stuff of course)..Dude realize that y'all were getting back into bf/gf boundaries and decided to take you a few steps back.. However, you are going to do what you feel.. Link to comment
QWit Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 Also, if he wants to date someone else exclusively, can you honestly say you will be happy with that decision? I kind of don't think you would (at least not from what you write in ENA).. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 Well I guess it depends on the person, or people and their personalities that are in the relationship. I asked the questions I needed answered, and he answered completely and honestly. If some people need to date to make sure the one they commit to is the right one... It is better than committing and then breaking up, or getting a divorce?? Why is the divorce rate so high!? If we never would have stayed together the past 2 months- (which we shouldn't have anyway, comfortable for both of us) this is in my eyes the best way to proceed. It's like saying, let's take it slow, yes I could see a future with you, buts let's take it slow this time and see. Link to comment
QWit Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 If you are so sure this is what you consider taking it slow and you are comfortable with the way things are, then there was no need for this post.. Proceed as you wish.. Link to comment
CocoaBean Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 How do you start over? It does kinda sound like fun, but it means I also have to be prepared that he might also date other people? Has anyone done this? Advice?? This is why I posted to begin with. That was the end of my first post... I wasn't asking people to define what his intentions were... But I'm glad you did. I asked him about exactly what was making me nervous in the situation. And he answered very straight forward. It was awesome. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted November 8, 2013 Share Posted November 8, 2013 How can you start over when he might not be ready to start over? How are you suppose to begin to start fresh when he is still looking else where? you cant ..so your kinda just waiting on the side line until he decides he wants to commit again... Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 This is like accepting a demotion. You were in a relationship, then he leaves you, then he wants to date you and date others. You did get a clear cut answer, but not the one you think. To my mind, he has already decided you aren't the girl for him. But he likes having you around when it works for him. He's feeding you lines "of course I see the possibility of maybe sometime in the future after i date and go through other girls and see if I can get anything else or better, you are an option". How nice?! No. Don't sell yourself short cause you miss him or miss what was. Give yourself proper space to go through the break up. I don't htink you have yet. You are still thinking "like we are together, but this is a break". It's not. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 This is like accepting a demotion. You were in a relationship, then he leaves you, then he wants to date you and date others. To my mind, he has already decided you aren't the girl for him. But he likes having you around when it works for him. Well said! I think it is OK to date multiple people when you first meet someone. This is because you are testing the chemistry and compatibility and trying to get to know them. But when you have been in a four year relationship, there is not that same "acquainting" period. He knows you. The best strategy is to take it slowly YET exclusively. The fact that he's still looking to date others though he does know you suggests that you were indeed demoted. Link to comment
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