5 1/2 Year Relationship Where She Always Breaks Up & Comes Back

[whyumad]

I've been in a relationship for roughly 5 1/2 years on & off. The relationships started out when we were both 18. We originally dated back when we were 16 in high school, but she broke up with me because she wasn't over her high school sweetheart. We met again at 18 in a club & we started talking. She was "talking" to another guy already, but the first time we hung out we had sex. She then said we could just be buddies, but I said I can't do that so pick me or him. She picked me & so the puppy love commenced. It was all good for a while, I always though she was perfect for me.

 

Diving into things a little deeper, she has 9 brothers & sisters (10 yrs old - 34 yrs old). Most lived at home still, & weren't really going anywheres in life. Anyway, I had to lug her to work all the time because her family wouldn't, yet they lived 2 minutes away from her job & I lived 20 minutes. She basically moved into my house after a few months & worked part-tme at smoothie king & didn't go to school. I went to school full-time & worked part-time. She basically sat in my room all day while I was away, & when I got home that'd pretty much all we did. She started gaining weight & so on. Things began getting sour & one night while she was out "having space" she had sex with some guy. This started a snowball of bad. I broke up with her for a short time & then took her back, but couldn't get over it. I then broke up with her a few months later & dated another girl for about 3 months. She was just a rebound & I left her & then me & my girlfriend started talking again & got back together.

 

After that, she constantly broke up with me all the time. We argued, insecurities were high, etc. I was bad. She'd always break up with me every 3-4 months & I'd eventually talk her back into getting back with me. This continued for 4-5 more years pretty much.

 

I said all of that to give a bit of a back story to recent occurrences. So 5 1/2 years later, she's still in the same position she was when we started dating. She went to school for like a year part-time & then stopped. She still works part-time, now at a bridal store. She has a car now that she bought from her parents, but I pay for her gas because she drives to sleep at my house with me. I've pushed her to go to school, offered to pay for schooling, gas, a new car, etc. I've offered everything to her that I could possibly give her to help her go after her goals & so that she could be happy.

 

She dumped me at the beginning of the summer this year to "find herself". She basically found a new job that her friends got her & moved into an apartment her family owned. She was on the "independent" path. She only got back with me because she got jealous that I was dating someone a month & a half later. So yeah, we got back together. Now, the apartment complex was family owned so her entire family basically lived there, & her roomies were her untrustworthy lesbian sister & her girlfriend. Her sister is an immature person whom goes job to job & spends all of her money on shoes & stuff for her girlfriend. Her sister's girlfriend isn't too bad. I told her not to be roomies with them because what happens if they break up & hits the fan. Welllll that happened, just like the job at TGI Friday's I told her not to take because she was promised to be a bartender but had to be server for a few weeks but I told her that they'd screw her over on that too probably & that happened as well. So, she hated her job & was left with the rent for the entire apartment because the sister's girlfriend left 2 days before rent was due.

 

So now she's moving back home after her sister chased after her girlfriend to a different county & left my girlfriend with the bill. She swapped back to the place she was working before because that job at TGIF sucked, not to mention I had to help buy her $200 of work clothes for that new job she wanted oh so bad that I told her not to do. Oh, not to mention I helped her paint her new apartment & furnish it & move everything in by myself & none of her family helped really. So yeah, I did everything for her, even after I said it'd be a bad idea to do.

 

I've offered this girl everything under the sun. I've been harshly criticizing her though, but I start off nice & it just gets frustrating when she doesn't ever listen to me, the only person that ever is there to support her or help her. Anyway, she dumped me today because she needs to "find herself" again. She's always done this, but goes on a party rampage with her friends & tries to make moves with her life that are anything but independent moves. I don't get it.

 

I know this post is pretty jumbled & cluttered, but there's so much behind all of this story & I can't get it all out. She keeps breaking up with me every 3 or 4 months (its been 3 months this time) because she has to "find herself". It's so selfish, she just cuts me off instantly too. It's not anything nice, she just acts like she doesn't care or never cared. She tells me the meanest to make me go away. Last time I stopped talking to her the whole time & she came running back, before that I always nagged her til we got back together. I don't know if she really loves me or what. I help her & offer to help her with anything & everything. I'm just so confused, why does she always leave me for a time being like its "space" & then comes back. That's not love, that's selfish. I feel like I'm just a security blanket for her. I'm an engineer & am in graduate school going for my PhD & I don't have a problem finding women, but I want her for some reason. She's cute, but that's all she has going for her. I know there's other fish in the sea, but why do I always go back to her & drop everything & everyone to get her back. I hate it, but I miss her so bad & love her so much. I just want her & I want us to be good. I want her to make good decisions & to be happy, but all she does is make dumb decisions that end up making her depressed & in-turn that causes us to go sour. I just feel like I'm 24 & want to settle down. 5 1/2 years is a big investment & I want her. Why does she do this? Why can't she just commit to me. One day she says one thing & the next its totally opposite. She wants kids & marriage one day, the next she doesn't. It'd like she's bipolar. I'm going insane. I've gone through 5 1/2 years of this teeter totter of love & I don't know how much I can take, but I just can't manage to let go for some reason. I love her dearly, no matter how bad we are doing. I just want her. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

[NorthDallas40]

This GIRL is immature, irresponsible, unreliable, selfish and she's not going to change.

 

So you have two choices:

 

a) Keep going back to her and repeat the process ad nauseam. Most likely this will finally end with her finding another guy during one of her "breaks" and dumping you completely.

 

or

 

b) Stop the madness NOW and DTMFA. Date other WOMEN and I promise you'll find one who is higher quality and will treat you better than she does.

 

Now I realize this might be a hard decision. Especially because of how you feel:

 

She's cute, but that's all she has going for her.

 

Actually, scratch that - it looks like it could be the easiest decision you'll ever make.

[mhowe]

No...what's going to happen is she is going to come back pregnant...sleep with you and convince you its your kid and time to get married. After the baby is born, she will have another "finding herself " episode.

 

You are an intelligent young man. Either avail yourself of some therapy to uncover your addiction to this toxic relationship or do some reading on codependency.

[Lonewing]

Fly away and find someone worth your time.

[HeartGoesOn]

She's obtained your permission to treat you this way, and will continue to do so simply because she has no fear of losing you. I'm sure you do love her, yet without her participation, what do you have? She is who she is, and you can't fix her, nor can you continue to live in denial.

 

Where do you see this going in the long term?

[whyumad]

The sad thing is I've had everyone from my parents, to professors, to friends, to people's parents that I just met tell me the same things. It's quite sad. Every time I see her smile though I just can't get over the feeling I feel. You know it's sad that I work full-time & go to grad school more than full-time & she is the biggest stressor in my life. She has broken up with me the day of a final or midterm, the week before my college graduation, the day before our anniversary, her birthday after I bought her a ton of crap at the mall.

 

The biggest thing I can't understand is how she just all of a suddenly says we're done & cuts me off completely. If I keep being persistent she tells me the most hurtful things to push me away. She just wants me out of her life & goes on without a flinch. When I spoke to her earlier today in front of her sisters, she had the nerve to laugh at me at one point & say "I'm sorry I can't take you seriously" while I had tears in my eyes pleading my case with her. I don't get it, she's just so selfish & just goes on replacing with her friends that are never there during hard times.

 

I keep tricking myself into saying that love defeats all, but this time idk if love can win. I'm a traditionalist that believes everyone has that one person & they should stick it out no matter what. I have to admit I despise her a good bit, but I bite my tongue & put up with it because I love her & no matter how bad things get, as long as there's just one tiny spec of good I get out of it I'm fine. I love her to death & feel like I'm 24 & have already wasted the prime portion of my life to find the one. Now, I'm stuck with other peoples leftovers. I know I sound completely idiotic for saying all of that, but my parents are high school sweethearts & I guess I just want something like that.

 

Last time I was sure I was done with her. I didn't talk to her the entire breakup, which was an amazing feat by myself since I always talked to her during breakups before that. Everyday hurt more & more because she never tried talking to me. It was like a slap in the face & showed she didn't give a about me. Then the day she did contact me finally, it was out of pure jealousy because she thought I was dating a girl that she hated, when it was just another short blonde girl that her brother saw me out with & mistakened her for the girl my girlfriend hated.

 

Idk, I feel like & I just can't see how people that have divorced after so many years can move on. 5 1/2 years...& that's being on/off...has felt like a lifetime & I just can't get over losing her.

 

Honestly, I want to marry her, but at this point I can't see us being married, nor can I see us having kids.

 

I'm no angel, but I mean I tried my ass off. I'm sure all guys are s. I progressively went from super nice at the beginning of the relationship to a complete at the end, & this happens every time. She basically drives me completely insane & turns me into an because she just doesn't make decisions for US. She only makes decisions for HER. She always puts me off & puts others in front of me. I just don't feel the love & it makes me angry because I put so much in & I get nothing in return. It's just all ed up, & I know I should lose her...but I can't for some reason. I can date anyone I want, but they never suffice no matter how great they are. They'll be better than my girlfriend, but I still want her for some reason. It's ed up.

[whyumad]

Her sister that's 29 just got knocked up by a 21 year old. She just got out of an 8 year relationship with someone her age & started dating this 21 year old for a few months & is now pregnant. Her entire family is pretty much crap, they all ended up becoming nothing. Most live at home with their parents still & have crappy jobs & their into their late 20s. Their dad pays for his 31 year old sons daughters tuition....I mean, the environment she surrounds herself with influences her to be this way I believe. Her friends are all socialite losers that always go out & are pretty much club rats. IDK...I try to influence her to live up to her potential, I know she's smart & all, but she just chooses to sit back & do nothing. I give her every opportunity to make something of herself & she always has an excuse or says she wants to do it on her own....

[Lonewing]

Every opportunity, and still, she takes ever opportunity she gets to distract you and then kick over your sand castle and run off dancing.

 

You CANNOT build a future one someone who sticks a knife in your back every time you turn around.

 

Think about that.

[Iggles]

Dude, you've got to cut the cord!! Seriously "her smile" isn't worth it. She is not a quality woman. She is a loser who is bringing you down.

 

In the time you've known each other you've graduated high school, college, became an engineer and are now in grad school. Your career trajectory is bright. You have a family who loves you and friends who sincerely care about you. If the genders were reversed, people would have no trouble labeling your partner as a deadbeat boyfriend who is going to ruin your life! You shouldn't have to push your partner to find a job and pay for the uniforms, etc.

 

If you continue down this road an "oops!" pregnancy is in your future when she gets worried you're getting tired of her antics. Then she'll pressure you about marriage/moving in together and quit her job. You'll be supporting her and the baby. When she gets bored she will cheat on you, only now you won't want to break up your family so you'll continue trying to "work it out".

 

Is that what you want? Because I bet you that your "smile" doesn't give her butterflies. It's not enough to keep her faithful or keep her from "finding herself". You are a security blanket for her -- as well as a doormat! She knows how to play you like a fiddle. Even though she breaks up with you, she doesn't want any other girl to have you.

 

I suggest you break up with this toxic woman immediately. Tell all your family and friends what you are doing. Have them run interference for you. Delete all of her phone numbers, emails, block her on Facebook and other social media. Go no contact for a solid 6 months. Do NOT date anyone else, because its not fair to the new girl for you to enter a rebound relationship. You need time on your own to sever the emotional connection to you ex.

 

There are hotter girls. There are more stable girls. There are girls who can give and receive healthy love. You need to become stable and healthy first, because right now your idea of love is high drama and craziness. You will attract those qualities in a partner if you don't take the time to detox and figure out what you really NEED from a partner.

 

This HAS to be done, OP. If you don't, you'll go deeper into commitment with a woman who is using you and will not be faithful to you. Stop believing the sunk cost fallacy. link removed. 5 1/2 years is a long time, but it's NOT a lifetime. It only feels that way because you are young. I dated my Ex for 4.5 years starting when I was 20. It felt like forever and I couldn't imagine my life without him. When we broke up, our lives were so intertwined it seemed impossible. But time slowly heals all wounds. I didn't date anyone else for well over a year. I have a better understanding my strengths and weaknesses. My life is completely different now and much better than I could have imagined. I am with a guy who I could see myself with for a long time. Our relationship is healthier by leaps and bounds! For one, I don't have to pay most of bills or push him to apply for jobs like I did with my Ex -- so I understand your experience OP. It gets better. So much better, you just have to cut the cord!!

[CeeLambrini]

I feel like I'm just a security blanket for her

- That is exactly what you are to this girl.

When she is stable, doing well, and happy - she has absolutely no need for you. That is when she goes to "find herself". When she fails this task, she will run back.

 

In a way I can see how you must feel that she has you going around this nightmare merry go round of being there for her, being dumped, catching her again, and so on. But actually, you might be pleased to know that it is you who has complete control over this vicious circle and it is you who is throwing yourself back into the pit over and over again.

 

The obvious answer is to leave her, and never look back. But you know this and are probably looking for any other solution because right now you can't face it. Fine.

 

The first thing you need to do is to change the pattern. No more talking her back into being with you, you are putting the power back into her hands and she is abusing it every time. If she wants to come back to you for another round then she will, but this will be on your terms and you can then turn around and say "if this is going to work, then these things need to change."

 

When or if this happens, don't snap back into the same overly generous guy. She has not proven that she deserves this yet. Without the expectation of you sorting her life out every time she messes it up, maybe she will see past the selfish benefits of the relationship and gain back the respect she once had for you.

 

I'm just going to add, even though you might not want to read this right now, but maybe if she left you alone for a little bit longer you would eventually get over her. I suggest you be the one to cut off all contact. If she really wants to get in touch, she'll find a way