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Useless unsure guy


Boabmac

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Hi all,

 

here is the story:

I've known this girl for many years through work and we work in different departments so don't see each other that often. We have always had good times together but only at work. Anyway, I hadn't really spoken to her for a while until my ex and I split up and she asked me what's up and we got talking and she told me she and her boyfriend had split too. Over the past several months we have got closer and closer and spend a lot of time together, again only in work and everyone keeps asking if we are together but we both say we are just friends.

I have been wanting to ask her out for a couple of month now but because I'm a wimp I can't do it. I really don't want to waste our friendship but I really like her too and would love it to go further. She always looks deep into my eyes when we talk and she gives off a lot of clues that says she likes me too but sometimes I get the feeling that she just wants to be friends.

Tonight she text me and asked me to come out for a cup of coffee and when I got there she was her usual smiling cheery self. We got our coffee and where walking when she said "did I tell you about the guy that asked me out?" I said no and she started telling me all about him and how lovely he was and how he gave her his number and she might as well go for it as she has nothing to lose and what do I think about it.

My question is, do you think she is trying to gauge my reaction and see if I would hurry up and ask her out or do you think she is just asking my opinion as a friend?

thanks for any advice in advance.

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I don't know. Is that in her personality to fish? If it were me, and I liked you, I would outright tell you that and how I'd like to try going on some real dates.

 

But not everyone would do that.

 

Question really is - do you like her enough to get up the guts and just ask her out??

 

Cause she is still in the market!

 

It may be her way of letting you know she isn't going to wait around forever. But that is neither here nor there.

 

If you like her, ask her out.

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Hard spot.. poor you. I can understand NOT wanting to jeopordizing the friendship, for sure!

Then you've got this heavier interest goin on too.

Then.. she tosses this in your face?

 

Yanno what? maybe let her go for it.. cause -what have YOU got to lose?

Let her go try him out.. never know, i can't see them lasting for too long.. especially if she really has an interest in you!

If she does.. she can only 'fake it' for so long.

 

So, while she's trying to figure things out there, you can let her go a bit distant- watch from afar and see how it goes.. still thinking on whether it'll be worth the risk of the friendship to go all the way eventually?

 

Take care... think on it

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Thanks for the replies folks.

 

I got a feeling when she was talking that she was fishing but it is certainly the first time she has ever done that. We started talking about other stuff quite quickly and having the usual laugh and conversations we usually have. I've since asked her about him and she was just giving one word answers. She said that she thinks she might just stay single as it's easier although it's nice having someone to cuddle on these cold nights and someone to run a bath and make her a coffee in the morning then she said "you could make me a coffee in the morning couldn't you, I love your coffee". At that i said of course I could I would love to do that for you and we both just laughed. I really don't know how to take this woman.

Also I was just out an 8 year relationship and she a 5 year one (that was 8 months ago) when we started getting close and telling each other our problems. I think I'm scared of hurting her that way and I am certainly scared I get hurt again because I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy never mind a very good friend.

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sounds like she's gauging you.. but also agree that it's sort of a "last" opportunity. try observing her actions separate from her words... she called you to get coffee.. when she could have called the other guy? in hindsight, one could say she is being genuine and see's you as a friend-- but based on what you're saying I doubt it.. looks like shes interested, why else would she spend time with you? also is she over her past? does she bring it up?

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Yes I would say she is deffinitely over her past. We spent a lot of time at the beggining talking about our pasts and it was her that split with her guy. He chased her for several months after and she would ask my advice and just talk about things. They got together again for 1 week but in the end she told him she was only with him out of habit and not love so she wanted him to move on. She did talk very little for a couple of weeks but she never talks about him anymore, infact she has never mentioned anybody until tonight.

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trust me, i can understand how hard it is to confess how you feel. being in a similar position-- i can say that it is natural to want a stronger "confirmation." not sure if this would work.. but how about saying "why dont you let me take you out".. in a sort of joking manner -- if she says yes then thats one step forward-- if she says no, then maybe she isn't on the same page yet? know what i mean??

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I have tried that one and got a positive reaction from her but when I then told her I was serious she laughed and said to stop being silly. Again being a douche and I just laughed it off too and left it at that. Think I need to stop reading too much into things and just get some balls and ask the question. In reality it's the only sure fire way to know for sure.

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She could just be hurting and looking for a rebound. I wonder if you considered this. I also think that you are building this up too much, in most situations if chemistry is there then it will happen, yet neither of you are interested enough to pull the trigger. I think its for the best, and to leave this one alone. I wouldn't try to force something to happen if its just not there, then of course why would she ask you out to coffee only to talk about some guy she's planning on dating. Sounds dumb to me, like is she trying to make your jealous or something and obviously you didn't play the part so now its like back to square one.

 

Either way it seems like there is this massive power struggle going on to see which one will lose their nerve first.

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I hear what you are saying about the rebound thing. I have most certainly been thinking about that type of situation and I can quite confidently say, but not guarantee, that I doubt very much she or I are thinking rebound. I don't want to get into a rebound situation and it took me a while, even with her, to even think about dating or relationships again but now I really want to be with her. We have known each other for a long time anyway and have gotten to know even more about each other over this last 8 months.

The reason I'm scared to pull the trigger is not through lack of interest but fear. I don't see a power struggle either I think it's more she is the female and wants the male to take the lead and ask or she sees me as a good friend and is asking my opinion.

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FREAK!! Holy wow. BOTTOM LINE:

 

Ask her out NOW. Who cares WHAT she was doing! You're going to lose her no matter what, either to some guy or to an awkward "oh I just see you as a friend". Which one is worse?

 

You have nothing to lose. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Live with no regrets. Just ask her. ASAP.

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I agree, make your move and tell her you're interested. You don't have to rush into things but you should tell her how you feel.

 

I get that you might upset the friendship.. but if you never say anything and she meets someone else will you really want to be her friend when she's gushing about her new guy to you because you're "just a friend"? If she's dating someone your friendship will probably start to dwindle anyway, so it might as well be you she's dating.

 

Plus you would always wonder what could've been!

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