I was too needy, emotional and desperate?

[randy33]

I dunno, Im struggling..I feel like its all my fault that I lost him. IM not a wall flower, or a pushover..IM a strong man and I didn’t let him get away with walking all over me at first.. but over time, the boundaries had been compromised so much that by the end I didn’t know who I was and I was being walked all over like a doormat.

 

I just realized I was emotionally needy and dersperate. It didn’t start out that way, in the beginning I had an edge and was confident and light.But when my ex and I would fight towards the end of our relationship, It felt like I was in a game of tennis but I was the only one hitting the balls accross the net, there was no reciprocation.

 

In the beginning he was attentive and supportive and if there was ever an issue he would participate in its resolutuion. He was young and slightly emotionally immature from my eyes, so as the relationship progresssed he started to display some behavior which I think inspired some behaviors in me ( that im not proud of ) which I believe is the reason why we broke up

 

The behavior Im speaking of is that my ex would slowly start to NOT respond to texts, or emails, and when we would fight he would start to shut down, and eventually just walk away. Sometimes when he would walk away I couldn’t believe it and I would chase after him like I was his toy..it used to drive me nuts..i couldn’t understand why he would shut down and walk away and it made me crazy to the point I would chase after him!( this is the part of our releationship that really affected my loss of dignity chasing him but I just couldn’t understand why someone who loved you wouldn’t want to resolve things by speaking of them, hugging it out and moving the heck on!!..(he was brought up in a home that fought a lot and didn’t resolve anything) I would take it as soo personal disrespectful. I tried to be laid back and relaxed in this relationship, but his shutting down and “ stone walling “ as I called it, and ignoring only ended up making me more desperate and needy to resolve things, and more angry and resentful and frustrated.

 

I guess I was the emotional guy and he was the cool one because I did love him, and I contuinued to let him get away with it by syating with him. But is there a point where he is just being a jerk? I mean, when It comes to resolution..I acknowledge and talk about it, hug it out and let go. But there were so many instances when my ex would just shut down when I tried to get back to a fun playful vibe. He would walk away or ignore and shut down. In the end he ended up cheating on me and saying “you don’t love yourself enough” which I don’t think is true in an all encomassing way, but I had defintitely been brought down.

 

I had him in my life and didnt know too many people because I was new to the city, whereas he had a lot of friends around him. he knew this and played it to his advantage..he also used to get so annoyed if I went out with other friends and truied to make an effort to meet new people. he used to critisize and berrate me and was pretty darn controlling, borderline abusive... I couldnt do anything right! I used to call him the bull n the china shop because he was so wreckless with my fragile feelings sometimes.

 

His behavior exacerbated my own insecurity..as If I was unworthy for him to participate in the relationship./ Why did I end up getting so desperate and needy?

[t1lersm0m1]

I totally understand how you feel. My ex couldn't deal with conflict, so he shut down. If I said something that upset him, instead of telling me so I could work on it, or we could talk about it, he would ignore me, to which I would push and push and push. My emotions were in overdrive. I. HAD. TO. FIX. IT. ASAP! I couldn't stand the conflict, being ignored.

 

Through this site I came to understand that I have abandonment issues. When I googled that phrase, it's like the lights of heaven opened up and Jesus was there with his arms open. There is a name to my problem, and now that I know the beast's name, I can work on it!

 

Last year I dealt with and overcame self-hatred, I turned it into self-love. So I couldnt' understand why I panicked when we were in conflict, why I felt like the world was going to end. My self-love didn't fix my abandonment issues.

 

I understand the underlying issues that caused my abandonment issues. My mother was an alcoholic when I was growing up. She's only been sober 10-12 years (I'm 37). She was emotionally unavailable to me a lot of the time growing up. I was only a little girl, and I would get so angry when she drank. I even said something to her in front of an Aunt one time, and the Aunt scolded me, said they were just having fun.

 

When your young daughter (think 4-5 years old) tells you she doesn't like it when you drink, that should open your eyes. It would open mine if my son said that to me.

[randy33]

So the abandonelment issues were the cause of why yu wanted to resolve it? Isnt wabnting to resolve it asap a good thing?..talking it out and being proactive? Isnt it a really jerky thing to do for the partnetrs to walk away and shut down in conflict?..to me it is deisrespectful

 

i would say if I had abandonment issues, they were made worse by the partner ignoring and shutting down. But isnt this typical of being treated that way?...isnt it irrational to walk away and shut down?....why is it the abansonment issue that gets the blame and not the crappy treatment during conflict?..or is it both?

[t1lersm0m1]

I guess, let me clarify my point.

 

My ex acted horribly. He had terrible self-esteem and when we were in conflict, he couldn't say what he was thinking or feeling. He couldn't stand up for himself. So he ignored me. You're right, that was HIS bad behavior.

 

But the way I responded, and maybe I didn't articulate this, when he ignored me, was to BLOW UP his phone. I called repeatedly, texted and emailed repeatedly. My actions were irrational. I became TERRIFIED. There was no logical reason for me to feel terrified. He didn't say in those arguments that he was done with me, he just ignored me.

 

I couldn't control his actions, but I should be able to control the way I reacted to his actions. But when we were in conflict, I was completely out of control of my actions/reactions. I even drove there twice because he was ignoring me (he lived 45 minutes away).

 

I'm not excusing his behavior. And if I was emotionally healthy, I probably would have walked away from the relationship long ago. In the end he broke up with me through email, saying "Thanks for the memories."

 

And I don't know enough about your situation to know if it's similar to mine or not. I'm just saying it sounds like you may have abandonment issues also.

 

We can't control how others treat us. But we can control what we put up with, and how we react to their actions.

 

Yes, I agree, the abandonment issues were made much worse by my ex ignoring me. It was like watching a volcano erupt.....the pressure inside me built up and up until I couldn't take it anymore and drove to his house.

 

And so, through all of this, it's been a learning experience for me. An important and valuable lesson. So that when I meet someone who is confident and emotionally healthy, I don't react with this irrational fear when we are in conflict (and I know now that I will NOT tolerate being ignored...it's a very childish way to respond to conflict).

[randy33]

Thank you for clarifying..and taking the time out to respond 

 

Yes!. I agree..It is a very frustrating and immature way to deal with conflict..and I definitely agree that I have abandonment issues. I most definitely agree that if the partner I had was willing to deal with conflict in a way that was balanced and productive and fair and considerate, these issues would NOT have driven me to do such pathetic things!..

 

I think the reason why Iam having such a hard time letting go of this is because I allowed my self to stick with him even though he was behaving in this way. I loved him so much. I wanted the relationship to work and I was willing to sacrifice my self respect to keep the relationship in tact...but I kid you not, he grew to know I would always be willing to

“ chase” him and blow up his phone and nOT leave, that slowly I think he convinced himself that I was not confident or didn’t love myself or was not worthy of his respect..he treated me as I allowed myself to be treated…even tho his behavior towards me was the thing that drove me to be so pathetic!..catch 22..

 

It’s a weird feeling to have something that comes sooooooo easy to me ( talking about my feelings, hearing my partners feelings, and making them feel safe and THEN moving on) be soo hard for someone else. This is basic stuff here no?..I look at how many issues he had when he was upset and how willing I was to coddle and make him feel safe. I literally loved it when he would open up to me in that way..but his ego and his pride were in the way and that was not something that he was comfortable with, when it came to dealing with my issues...he made me feel like I was sooooooo weak for needing that resolution. When I think in fact it was strong to be so open.. I just wished I had the strength to walk away and stay away..I think that would have driven home the message that he was majorly crossing my boundaries andf that his behavior was unacceptable.

 

I know now now that I will never let another man walk all over me in this way. I know now that I broke my own personal boundaries by allowing this behavior to be ok. Coudla should woulda I suppose

[randy33]

so how does one deal with abandonement issues?....by choosing to be with partners that ARE emotionally mature enought to stay and respolve conflict? by sticking to your guns and making those boundaries crystal CLEAR?

[AR1]

It feels as though you have described my relationship in perfect detail with my ex. He behaved exactly the same way - would just shut down and ignore me rather than talk. It drove me completely insane. I did my best to respect his time once I knew that this was his pattern but he kept doing it. He has broken up with me by email claiming that we are emotionally incompatible and that he isn't capable or willing to be what I need. I just don't get it. I don't have abandonment issues - I just want to feel loved, respected and supported. I wanted him to care. He may have initially but the proof is that he simply didn't care enough in the end to put effort into it. I think that we all just need better connection with more stable partners. I'm still hurting unbearably after 3 weeks so I'm afraid I'm not much help but just wanted to let you know you're not alone nor are your reactions to his behaviour uncommon. Good luck.