To trust or not to trust

[w8lifter53]

Ok.. I apologize up front for the long post.

 

I start dating my girlfriend back in June. Hit if off from day one. She was seeing other people and so was I. We were intimate the first date after we met.

 

We chatted a few time in between and we had a few dates and again we were intimate. I asked her if we could be exclusive on the intimate part of the relationship. She ended up giving me a round about yes to the question. A week later, we were suppose to meet on a Friday night and she was running late, which she hadn't done in sometime. I text her and she said she would be there in a bit. She didn;t have her sons that day and she told me she had some running around to take care of while she had the time. My gut told be there was something up, so I figured I would take a ride. Sure enought I showed up at her house and there was another car in her driveway. I proceeded to knock on hte door, no answer until I started ti use her spare set of keys. (I know this was wrong, but I knew what was going on). She answers the door and sure enought tells me a guys is there that she is\was dating and they were suppose to meet to end it. However, old feeling got in the way and one thing led to another and we know how the rest of the story goes. We ahd a short discussion and she told me to give her 20 minutes and we would talk.

 

We talked, she cried and said she was so sorry that she never wanted that to happen. Ok, soneg and dance I've heard before from others. She siad we weren't exclusive but I reminded her that we made a deal about sex. I made sure she realized I could get in the car and be with another girl that night as I was dating other before I met her.

 

Anyway, I forgave the situation and decided to move on.

 

We have been seeing each since. She has introduced me to her family, sons and co-workers. We have built a large circle of mutual friends. We are together very often and she tells me she loves me and we are very intimate. I am going on a trip with her and her sons. I have been invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas with her entire family already.

 

Now, she had to go on a business trip, which I knew about. After our issue in July, I had some reservations. She ends up going away and I ended up with a few melt downs due to my insecurites, but my gut was telling me something wasn't quiet right. We made it through the trip and had some discussions when she got back. I still had this feeling about this trip but tried to keep it to myself. A few weeks go by and all is good.

 

Well... due to a non related issue, she feels the need to tell me that she had a one night stand with a guy I know. She wanted me to find out from her before someone else told me who threatened to do so. She said, she was drunk and slept with him on a dare. Well, I was pissed for a few hours but blew it off cause it is her past. My past is nothing to brag about.

 

So, I was still gutting on this business trip, so I had the chance to check her phone. ( I know not a good thing and not right). Well I see some text from some friends of her's on the trip. A few at 11:00 at night etc. I know she was out drinking, which is fine. But we had a discussion about her abilities to control herself due to the July issue and I know that is is a flirt. There were some statements about her being alone when she go back to the room. a comment here and there but nothing I can definaly say yes something happened. We have talked about the trip and she tells me nothing happened. She is very understandoing about what I am going through and thatshe caused some of this from the July incident.

 

So here we are. I already have trust issues from prior relationships and being cheated on. My Mom walked out on me when I was 5 and I was raised by my Grandmother. So, I know I have some issues of trust and abandonment already and yes, I know I could use some therapy.

 

Likewise, my girl has self esteem issues when it comes to men (she relaizes this too). She likes the attention she gets and who doesn't. But it is a matter of drawing the line.

 

So, we have talked about counciling and it was her suggestion. Which I am trying to line up.

 

Does she love me... Yes... I have not doubt or she wouldn't have brough me into her family.

 

But my question is.... Due to what happened in July, the friend she slept with cause she was drunk (even though a year and a half ago), my gut about her business trip and my already established trust issues, will I ever be able to trust her?

 

Thoughts?

[Edmund Exley]

Who sleeps with someone on a dare? No. I wouldn't trust this person. She doesn't have enough self respect to be trustworthy.

[Edmund Exley]

And you need to get some help to deal with your trust issues before you enter a relationship. You don't get to wear them as an excuse. Fix them first.

[sonicfan287]

Well, I'm not a professional so I don't know if I can conclusively answer your last question about whether or not you can trust her, but it does sound like, in addition to your own insecurities (which aren't invalid, btw) that she has added reason to be distrustful. Despite the good times you've had and the connections you have with her friends and family, it still sounds like she has issues that have rocked your trust in her and that's something that she needs to be more resolute in fixing.

 

That said, it's not a completely black and white issue. I also have some trust issues, although I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years, although I do wonder myself if I ever meet a nice woman if I would still be skeptical because my ex acted very nice for the longest time, only to lead me astray. Whether or not you can trust another depends on many factors, some internal and some external. It's an encouraging sign that she wants to seek counseling and I would definitely take her up on that and see what happens. The counselor will probably want you each to discuss your concerns, both with each other and then one on one with them.

 

Things like checking in on her and checking her phone are crossing a line, but you realize that. In both cases, you found disturbing information but that doesn't justify the means. Whether or not you can trust her (or others for that matter) will depend on how much work you put into resolving your issues with trust as well as her own commitment to staying faithful. If you're willing to work on yourself and go through with the counseling, then she has no excuse (drunk or not) to slip up again and become overly flirtatious with other men.

 

In any relationship, trust is severely damaged if one partner is unfaithful, no matter the circumstances, so given that there have been a couple of incidents, there's bound to be a time of healing that needs to occur before you can hope to have the same level of trust you may have had at the start of your time together. So yes, it is possible to trust her again, but how soon or how much is up to you and her. I wish you both luck.

[iamstrong]

W8: This bird is not a nice person! I agree: who sleeps with anyone on a dare? That shows that she is not a mature person. Sleeping around is never ever good.

[metrogirl]

Slept with someone on a dare? Yeah, I'm not sure I could trust someone that doesn't have good judgement. By any chance does she party a lot?

[w8lifter53]

All... Thanks for the replys. My concerns aren't with who she slept with before me. I will sit here and say I have had my share of one night stands, which could be part of my own issues. My issue is her lack of self control when put into certain situations. Yes, she got drunk and went home with a guy. She invites a guy to her house to break it off with him and they have a year and a half of history together. She put herself in situations, intentionally or not, who knows. Then I have to live with the unknown of the business trip. It's defintly not getting better. I want to not evern think twice when we are together and say up my girl loves me and you guys can try all oyu want.

 

Today she booked a trip for four of us (me, her and her two sons) to go away next month. She will do anything for me. Very attentive to me and is always looking for public affection from me. But my fear is that I am the nice guy. She has never been treated the way I have treated her and her sons.

 

It just sucks. I thought I found this really nice girl. Everything in common and same career paths, education etc and in July the rug get pulled again. My gut tells me what I should do but I heart tells me something else.

 

Thoughts?

[Edmund Exley]

Having a one night stand is one thing. We all been there.

 

Banging a guy on a dare, that's another thing entirely. How does that even happen? I HAVE to bang him because my friend dared me, and you don't back down on a dare?

[metrogirl]

I'm getting the impression that her wild decisions and actions are fueled by booze. Yes?

[w8lifter53]

I'm getting the impression that her wild decisions and actions are fueled by booze. Yes?

 

Not sure.. The guy back in July was a year and a half relationship she was ending or so she said to me. Yes sarcasm.

 

The trip for business, I am sure she drank. We both like to go out and have a few drinks once a week.

 

My personal unprofessional opinion is a self esteem issue. If a man sleeps with her she feels wanted and desired. Until after and she realizes she was used.

 

We both know we have issue. I just hope it's not too late.

[catfeeder]

Why trust anyone who has already proven to be untrustworthy? More than once.