jealousy, trust issues, stubbornness.. i need advice

[Kendahke]

I am not willing to just end it right now. I think a one on one talk is in order. It's going to be really hard and I kind of think..how am I going to have the audacity to do it? Like, am I going to present him with a list of things he must change about himself in order to be with me? Who do I think I am? At the same time, I would like to hear what he wants from me. I don't want to just throw this relationship away. I value the heart that he has.

 

I think I might just MAKE him face his fears (i.e. meeting my coworkers, coming out to this group with me) and that might get him to understand and see that there is nothing to be crazy about.

 

Then get used to his treatment and stop complaining about it.

 

You have to own the behavior of his past girlfriends because you staying with him is you agreeing to do that.

[Kendahke]

I'm pretty sure he thinks she's capable of cheating because she used to date a married guy and did lots of drugs, which doesn't really scream honesty and fidelity. I guess it's technically possible the values and morals she had at that time have done a 180, but honestly that rarely happens. If she was so drastically different, she wouldn't be befriending random dudes for no apparent reason and choosing a job that requires flirting with guys. I think the only guy who would be cool with all this is a player type who isn't really invested.

 

dude protests too much, methinks.

 

What's up with all of this? You're assuming that she's acting inappropriately--she's a bartender. Her job is to pour drinks and to be nice to the customers. That's not flirting with random guys. There is a HUGE difference between the two.

 

And everyone has things in their past they went through during their learning processes they're not proud of. One does what one does until they learn to do better and that goes for everyone, including OP.

 

You need to put the bullwhip away... it's just a message board and her issues have nothing to do with you or anyone you know. No one needs to be flogged here.

[quark]

We talked about it and personally, I feel renewed. You gotta realize, its not that he is nonchalant about the way he has acted and thinks it's okay. We both cried. We both want this to work.

 

Want to know something so absolutely ridiculous that I can't even make this up? Facebook was up on the screen while we were talking...and guess who MESSAGES me during our talk? Mr. Married. Yeah, that's right.

 

Hadn't heard from this guy in years. Well, actually..he did text me about 2 weeks ago just saying "what's up" but I ignored it. Didn't tell my boyfriend when it happened, because why would I? Just to make him crazy. It's not like we were talking..I ignored it so it was a non-issue to me especially since I never heard back.

 

Boyfriend didn't seem too upset that I didn't tell him about the text. What was he going to do about it anyway, you know? Was I in the wrong there?

 

In any case...so, with him by my side, I reply to Mr. Married saying that I'm happy with my boyfriend, and I have no desire to talk to him. He replies with "Sorry, I thought we were friends". (Yeah, no, you disgust me.) And then I deleted the messages. He never said anything else.

 

What a tangled web.

[superfan]

I do not flirt with guys, and my job certainly does not require it. Actually, I let eeeverybody know that I have a boyfriend, and I am quite snarky to those who cross my boundaries (with a smile, of course).

 

LOVED your response here, OP. I think the thing that your boyfriend has really got to get past (and some of the posters on this message board as well) is that one's past does not always dictate one's present. Just because you have made mistakes in the past, does not mean that you will continue to do so - nor does it mean that because you have been hurt in the past, others will hurt you.

 

Your boyfriend claims that because he has been hurt in the past, that is why he is so jealous. That is a bunch of crap. YOU were not those women and yet you are being punished for their actions. What he is doing here is one of the beginning signs of an abusive relationship. He is manipulating you into staying home all the time because he is afraid - afraid of the fact that he cannot control you. And make no mistake, control is what he wants. You feel caged up for a reason - he wants you to be caged. If you are under his thumb he doesn't have to be afraid that you might "hurt" him. Make no mistake, regardless of his claims of "it's not you it's them I don't trust", the issue is really fear and control and nothing but a butt load of therapy is going to fix that.

 

Look at it this way, OP. When customers flirt with you at work and encroach on your boundaries, that is a form of sexual harassment. They are harassing you (and it's hard because you are in the service industry so you have to walk a fine line between being polite and sticking to your guns). ANY respectful, loving and SECURE boyfriend would see this and rather than attack YOU, ask you if you are OK and if you feel like you need support. Even if you can handle it on your own, knowing he is there and "has your back" is the mark of a good caring boyfriend. Instead, he uses this as a reason not to trust YOU. YOU are being harassed on a daily basis, AND being victim blamed for it from your boyfriend.

 

That is beyond inexcusable.

 

Add in the having to explain EVERY friend request and outing to him on facebook and it sounds to me like he is your jailer and not your boyfriend. I agree with what others said about time served not being a good reason to stay with him but if you are determined to give him another chance you need to make it your last chance and you need to MEAN it. He will not change if you threaten to leave and then don't follow through.

 

You need to demand that he enroll in some form of counselling for HIS issues (none, I repeat NONE of these are yours) and you need to give him a time frame. If things don't start to change within X number of months, then you are gone. And you need to stick to that.

 

And don't listen to any of the posters who try to make you feel bad for anything that has come before. You haven't cheated in this relationship and whatever you may have done before, that does not have any bearing on who you are now. Remember that.

[Edmund Exley]

Its in your best interest to tell the married guy to go away and never bother you again. Sooner or later he will pop up at a time when your BF notices and that will be trouble.

 

Edit: Sorry, I somehow missed you already did that.

[Ms Darcy]

You should take your anger you have at one user here and re-direct it. Stand up to the guy who is controlling and manipulating you. I'm not completely sure he was really cheated on. He sounds like he has warped perceptions of what you are doing. Maybe his repeated accusations of cheating (on the part of past gfs) became truth in his mind.

 

I think you need some serious counselling to help you through your rape trauma. Perhaps that is really harming your self-esteem and making you feel like he is somehow justified in how he is acting.

 

It would be a shame for you to waste another year with this dude because you are afraid you can't do better.

 

You can. You will.

[quark]

lol - I received an "infraction" for my post.

 

I have and will stand up when I feel I deserve more. I don't believe he lied about being cheated on or being poorly treated by past girlfriends. Just doesn't seem like him. He has never accused me of cheating, though. Like I said, just not wanting to hear about my interactions with people is what bothers me, and the feeling I get that he doesn't want me to go out without him.

 

He came to visit me at work yesterday. I feel like that shows he is trying.

 

I've gone through some therapy. I'm sure I could use more. I don't think I have the means to pursue that, though.

[Ms Darcy]

Well if he's so great then stick with it then. Good luck.

[quark]

I hate how all the responses on this site are either "break up" or "go to therapy". Why can't a couple work through their problems and recommit to each other? Anyway... I am determined to make it work, but have come away from this with a couple words of advice that I will heed. Time served as no reason to stay being one. And the other, set a line and stick to it.

 

Someone once told me that ending a relationship is like tipping over a refrigerator. It will teeter and totter and it takes a couple pushes before it finally falls over. This is one of those pushes. And it will either fall over or balance itself.

 

Gonna do everything I can to keep it upright (being up front, honest, not allowing him to hide from our problems) and I hope he will too.