The natural progression of dating for educated men and women past college

[radiohead20]

I wanted to hear peoples' inputs and experiences on the "natural" progression of dating in their lives/others' lives for college educated young professionals in their mid 20's, specifically those that went to college, graduated without finding a significant other and entered the "real world" being single.

 

 

in seems to me like most guys' experiences are fraught with frustration with women who have too many options and unrealistic expectations while most girls' experiences are fraught with men who are unavailable.

 

go!

[goodheartlady]

Everybody - when young - reach for someone slightly or a lot out of his/her league.

 

Guys are after women with a lot of options; women are also doing the same. Hence the frustration.

 

As we get older, we get a better sense - more realistic - about our own "league."

[goodheartlady]

If you keep getting rejected, you have 2 options:

 

1) lower your expectations, or

2) improve yourself.

 

Unfortunately most people do neither. They choose to complain and whine about the situation instead.

[CatchersRye]

Speaking as someone who did not start dating until after I graduated from college...it was a success. Within my second year post college and one year after I moved to a new city I met my current and only girlfriend. That's luck, pure and simple.

 

But as somoeone who has tried over and over to ask girls out during high school (one girl said yes and then didn't show up!) and college (none said yes), this was a relief that I was, for so long, desperately seeking.

 

After college, I asked a girl out who often was a customer where I worked. One date, she seemed to like it, but avoided me after. Don't know what happened and never will. It happens sometimes, you just need tp brush it off and try again. There's literally nothing productive to do, but to move on.

 

Then after I moved, I took time to find social events or clubs (organizations, not bars) that were going on and got involved. I met one girl online and we just took a walk around a park, lovely discussion, but afterward she stated she was going to start a new job. Never heard form her again, that's fine. Life happens.

 

I met two more women that I went out with each once, then I met my current girlfriend. I didn't talk to anyone else during the time we started dating (she was talking to at least one other guy, but as we continued dating dropped him).

 

The first time we met wasn't particularly momentous, we were in a group. We talked a bit and I sensed she had a good vibe, she had a good sense of humor, not distracted by my mumbling, and really made me feel like I had to step up my actions and be focused.

 

Our first date again, not magical. I frankly don't remember what we talked about it wasn't until the next date that I can recall conversations. We were still getting to know eahc other and talking about a range of topics, most likely.

 

Second date, she asked me point blank about my dating history and I divulged (not really confessed) that I never had a girlfriend. We talked abit about why and I asked if that impacted how she saw me and she said it didn't.

 

It wasn't until the 5 date we would touch by holding hands or laying down together. We didn't kiss until the 7th date. This was all in a manner of three months, after the first month that was regular contact between us in terms of calling.

 

We had 7-8 dates (something like that) before we became exclusive. The most important I think is we let there be time for us to get use to each other before at least I was willing and comfortable to kiss her.

 

The last time I kissed a girl was my junior year in high school and that was just a peck. So I was nervous most importantly about whether or not she wanted me to. The last thing I ever wanted to do was overstep my bounds with a girl's body.

 

We've been together ever since. Like I said, it was lucky. One important fact was I decided earlier before I even had the date at the park, I decided what I really needed in my life at the new city was friends. So instead of worrying whether I was successful in dating I was more interested in succeeding in making friends and having people to talk with and have fun.

[ForeverFree81]

Excellent question! I look forward to seeing how people respond to this, as I am facing the same situation.

[Rosti87]

I have to admit that some people's expectations are may not too high but unrealistic.

[lavenderdove]

OK each gender always thinks the other gender has it easier/better when it comes to dating but it is honestly just not true. So don't go down that road or this thread will end up closed for gender bashing.

 

Dating in college seemed to be a lot more 'hanging out' and a lot less individual dating, or instantly 'going steady' like they're still young teenagers. And people tended to either switch partners at the speed of light or just hang out with a bunch of FWB situations. So maturity level has a lot to do with it and i really preferred dating after college much better.

 

You have to work a little harder to meet pepole because you're not meeting a lot your exact same age if you're not in a classroom situation, but you have more 'mature' dates, more money with which to date, free time to date, and have your own apt./house to get intimate in rather than the whole dorm room/parent's house thing.

[tom1607307597]

I have to admit that some people's expectations are may not too high but unrealistic.

 

Maybe they're also going after the wrong people. I'm in the same situation as the OP but haven't graduated yet. The girls I go after are not the stereotypical hot girls, but I still haven't dated anyone or been a serious relationship since I started college. It doesn't seem like a problem with aiming too high. Being able to read someone is an important skill IMO, it would have helped me get more dates and get friendzoned less if I pursued girls that actually showed interest versus girls that I was constantly guessing how they felt about me.

 

You have to work a little harder to meet pepole because you're not meeting a lot your exact same age if you're not in a classroom situation, but you have more 'mature' dates, more money with which to date, free time to date, and have your own apt./house to get intimate in rather than the whole dorm room/parent's house thing.

 

I agree with this. After college you are not going to be surrounded by dozens of girls/guys your age all the time so you'll definitely have to get out there more often in order to meet someone. Common suggestions usually are meet up groups, online dating, volunteering, or taking college classes. I also suggest making new friends if you move somewhere and trying to meet girls through your social circles.

[Rosti87]

\\

 

That is why I made my comment of 'unrealistic.' Not being able to read people or situations and where one 'fits' within either or both seems to contribute to the frustration I read on this forum.

[HopsonMcGee]

No need to reply, OP. Your summary was succinct and accurate. I concur, and have nothing to add.

[HopsonMcGee]

If you keep getting rejected, you have 2 options:

 

1) lower your expectations, or

2) improve yourself.

 

Unfortunately most people do neither. They choose to complain and whine about the situation instead.

 

I completely agree with this, and I've know for some time that I practice this behavior. Am I going to change? Not a chance. In fact, I'll probably be alone forever. But it's like playing the lottery...you always hope that notwithstanding the profound lack of insight and wisdom you're employing on your romantic endeavors, you will nonetheless find that 1 in a million girl.

[ForeverFree81]

"One in a million" girls/guys do exist, yo just have to find each other at the right time for both of you. Also, what makes a person one in a million is different to each individual. From what I have been told by happy married couples, the big secret is pretty much doing what you enjoy, and finding someone who enjoys the same things. Having something in common outside of the workplace provides an activity suitable for both people to enjoy doing together. It keeps things fresh and is a big stress release. I have absolutely no successful relationship experience, but I too have been curious about this, as I am sick of beng in dysfunctional relationships, but pretty much, find excuses to socialise, do things you enjoy, and hopefully you will find someone similar and compatible to yourself.

[HopsonMcGee]

"One in a million" girls/guys do exist, yo just have to find each other at the right time for both of you. Also, what makes a person one in a million is different to each individual. From what I have been told by happy married couples, the big secret is pretty much doing what you enjoy, and finding someone who enjoys the same things. Having something in common outside of the workplace provides an activity suitable for both people to enjoy doing together. It keeps things fresh and is a big stress release. I have absolutely no successful relationship experience, but I too have been curious about this, as I am sick of beng in dysfunctional relationships, but pretty much, find excuses to socialise, do things you enjoy, and hopefully you will find someone similar and compatible to yourself.

 

Thanks, but my problem is that the only thing I enjoy is work. I dreamed about doing what I'm doing now as a kid. Rock-climbing, hiking, and biking don't even come close to the thrill I get on the job. There are very few women in my line of work, and among that small group, none of them are single. In fact, they're the extreme opposite: married. So I find it pretty hard to identify with single females since they get their kicks doing stuff that I final banal and lame, such as playing kickball and going salsa dancing. Should I partake in these activities and fake it? Impossible. I've tried and people can see the resentment upon my countenance and hate me even more than they did before.

[ForeverFree81]

Probably not what you want to hear, but it is the reason I am now pretty much single. As hard as I tried, I have been finding it really difficult to come second to my soon to be ex boyfriends work. Power to you for enjoying your work so much, I feel I will probably be in the same situation when I graduate next year, as I will be fulfilling a life long dream. I have always been driven to succeed this career, and the breakdown of our relationship is sort of my fault too, because sometimes he comes second to my course, and it will always be the way as I have worked too hard and have come too far to let anything come between me and graduating. So long story short, I more than understand where your coming from.

[CatchersRye]

Thanks, but my problem is that the only thing I enjoy is work. I dreamed about doing what I'm doing now as a kid. Rock-climbing, hiking, and biking don't even come close to the thrill I get on the job. There are very few women in my line of work, and among that small group, none of them are single. In fact, they're the extreme opposite: married. So I find it pretty hard to identify with single females since they get their kicks doing stuff that I final banal and lame, such as playing kickball and going salsa dancing. Should I partake in these activities and fake it? Impossible. I've tried and people can see the resentment upon my countenance and hate me even more than they did before.

 

It's great that you enjoy your work. I have a job that I really enjoy, it's flexible and challenging. But for me, as someone who didn't date until after college (read my earlier post), the dream that I held the longest was dating someone. And now I am in a relationship with a terrific person who I had no choice but to love.

 

Having her in my life has satisfied me immensely. As long as I am employed, working in my field, and steadily progressing, I don't care where I end up as long as I have her. I look at my wokr as something need to look forward to doing, but my work supports my life with my girlfriend. I don't compare them cause frankly, it's my professional and personal life. They aren't meant to compete.

 

As I noted, I didn't date before graduating from college, I also didn't make close friendships, but I had a good group of people to hang out wiht on occasion. But my social life was in the ground, hardly ever hanged out with people from school outside of school. I worked, studied, and went to school for the majoirty of my life up to my graudation.

 

My point being, I've graduated and I have a good job, now I am going to take time to enjoy my life and have a richer social life than I ever had.

 

I understand my needs and my wants. I've always been clear on what I basically desire. It sounds to me, that you value your professional life over a personal life and that's how you feel. So have you stopped dating? It doesn't sound like you have, so why do you still date?

[radiohead20]

Thanks, but my problem is that the only thing I enjoy is work. I dreamed about doing what I'm doing now as a kid. Rock-climbing, hiking, and biking don't even come close to the thrill I get on the job. There are very few women in my line of work, and among that small group, none of them are single. In fact, they're the extreme opposite: married. So I find it pretty hard to identify with single females since they get their kicks doing stuff that I final banal and lame, such as playing kickball and going salsa dancing. Should I partake in these activities and fake it? Impossible. I've tried and people can see the resentment upon my countenance and hate me even more than they did before.

 

 

I have this exact same issue. The things I enjoy outside of familial obligations is my job and my band. As such, I spend most of my time with those two activities. Problem is, I am engineer that works in a male dominated environment and the band I play in is a progressive rock band, which is the pretty much the complete opposite of the type of music women seem to enjoy and most our audience is guys (95%)

 

Online dating is really the only avenue I have to meet people, and it is to be honest a complete and utter joke for men, its laughable at best.

 

I sorta put an ultimatum to myself to just focus on my goals and if something doesn't just "fall in my lap" by the time I am 34/35 (8 years from now), I need to hire a dating coach or someone to help me. Sadly, I feel as if I will actually make it to that age without dating period - but looking at the bright side - I have things I want to accomplish that will take 5+ years to reach that would be hindered by having a significant other. I'll focus on those first.

 

And I am not about to join hot yoga or cooking class with the sole intention of meeting someone, seem's really weird for some reason. "why are you here?...oh...because I love cooking????"

[hodgeheg]

I'm a female, working in a profession that I have dreamt of being part of since I was a little kid. I have huge steps to take in my career and education and also feel like a partner may hinder these. However, if I do want a partner, my profession is incredibly female dominated and I wouldn't wanna be with someone who has my job anyway. Just thought I'd say this to prove that there are women in the same position too.

 

I have tried internet dating though, with varying amounts of success. But I guess that's a lot different for men and women.

[radiohead20]

I'm a female, working in a profession that I have dreamt of being part of since I was a little kid. I have huge steps to take in my career and education and also feel like a partner may hinder these. However, if I do want a partner, my profession is incredibly female dominated and I wouldn't wanna be with someone who has my job anyway. Just thought I'd say this to prove that there are women in the same position too.

 

I have tried internet dating though, with varying amounts of success. But I guess that's a lot different for men and women.

 

Maybe they should take people from these male/female gender dominated companies and stick them together in one big match-making event haha.

 

oh yeah, the slightest mention of online dating on this forum will guarantee your thread will reach at least 5 pages in length from all the frustrated men that have something to say about it.

[ForeverFree81]

Women dont have much luck on those sites either, I have a few friends who have tried or are trying them out and have had nothing but bad experiences, with the men contacting and harassing them for sex or whatever after swearing blind all they want is a long, committed, loving relationship on their profile. Online dating shows promise, but it needs to be refined a bit in a few ways, or people who are only looking for a booty call need to do it the old fashioned way in a pub, rather than getting online, getting someones hopes up, then wrecking them when their real motives become clear, and both men and women are guilty of this.

[Blue Spiral]

I've found four types of women on these sites:

 

1. Women that like attention. They post tons of pics, and have tons of male orbiters showering them with praise.

 

2. Women that are extremely picky. They don't want to waste time with men that don't meet their qualifications, and online dating is a way to do that. They can see if they measure up and then spend precious minutes talking with them.

 

3. Women that have limited options. This can be because of weight, general unattractiveness, their family situation (i.e. exes or babydaddies that are always in the picture, hoping for another shot), etc. Also, in some extreme cases, personality may actually play a role. Maybe they're hard to live with, or maybe they're just high-maintenance (there's crossover between #2 and #3 in this area).

 

4. Women that totally don't need online dating, but got bored/desperate one day and made a profile, which they then proceed to ignore for months or years at a time, because they have options and don't need to make even a minimal effort to find men.

[HopsonMcGee]

Probably not what you want to hear, but it is the reason I am now pretty much single. As hard as I tried, I have been finding it really difficult to come second to my soon to be ex boyfriends work. Power to you for enjoying your work so much, I feel I will probably be in the same situation when I graduate next year, as I will be fulfilling a life long dream. I have always been driven to succeed this career, and the breakdown of our relationship is sort of my fault too, because sometimes he comes second to my course, and it will always be the way as I have worked too hard and have come too far to let anything come between me and graduating. So long story short, I more than understand where your coming from.

 

A lot of my coworkers date or are married to other coworkers. I think that's the only way.

[HopsonMcGee]

Probably not what you want to hear, but it is the reason I am now pretty much single. As hard as I tried, I have been finding it really difficult to come second to my soon to be ex boyfriends work. Power to you for enjoying your work so much, I feel I will probably be in the same situation when I graduate next year, as I will be fulfilling a life long dream. I have always been driven to succeed this career, and the breakdown of our relationship is sort of my fault too, because sometimes he comes second to my course, and it will always be the way as I have worked too hard and have come too far to let anything come between me and graduating. So long story short, I more than understand where your coming from.

 

Oh yeah, and ALL male co-workers that have been doing this for a minimum of 5 years are divorced and perhaps on their second marriage already.

[HopsonMcGee]

Yes, I still date. The courtships open with an extreme flash, and then fizzle out immediately, not unlike one of those sparklers on the Fourth of July. It doesn't take too many instances of me showing up late before they get the idea. Plus, they know what I do, and there's no way I'll change. They respect that, but simply don't see me as relationship material.

 

And while I love what I do, there's more to it than that. I can't go into great detail because I don't want to give myself away, but I'm in the public sector, and the nature of my work is such that I can't let things pile up and details go unnoticed.

[HopsonMcGee]

Once again radiohead, my sentiments exactly. I used to play in local bands around the city, too when I was in my 20s. We managed to have female fans, though. I didn't engage them sexually because I actually did have a girlfriend during this period.

[HopsonMcGee]

Maybe they should take people from these male/female gender dominated companies and stick them together in one big match-making event haha.

 

Dude, that's actually a really, really good idea. You get a bunch of guys that are unabashedly masculine in at least one way or the other and mix them with a bunch of girls that are unabashedly feminine in one way or the other...The women will crave the men since they're never around them and vice versa. Plus, everyone has felt essentially totally helpless love-wise because of the nature of their work. This could work. You might be on to something.