We can take alot I guess......

[surfjon]

The universe has been dealing harshly lately.......

 

Not sure why I'm even posting, guess I just need to vent....the last 3 weeks have really tested my ability to cope with the universe.

 

Got past my January breakup, blah...blah...blah....

 

Seems really stupid in light of recent events.

 

On September 11, my 10 year old cousin was brutally murdered.....slashed to death......by her own freaking mother.....my aunt, who then slashed her own throat and bled to death.....

 

I'm very close with my uncle, and was the first person he called....he had not been able to reach his daughter since she turned 10 on Tuesday Sept 10.......so we went to the house and called the police and we had to break in because the bodies could be seen on the floor...

 

My uncle had no keys and the house was locked......they were split up and had recently divorced, so he had no keys....we smashed a back window with a propane tank to get in......

 

My uncle is a strong guy, but what we saw was beyond any horrors anyone should ever see, much less see their own little girl slashed to death......he got outside quickly and the police took over.....

 

I went there the next day to secure the premises, look for the dogs and cats etc....

It was dark the night before, but when I went in I was by myself (big mistake), what I saw was a scene to horrible to imagine.....the bodies were gone, but it was clear to me the abject horror that occurred where I was standing.....

Nothing will erase the memory nor that crazy copper smell of coagulated blood.......I could tell by the mess that it took a long time......

 

My poor uncle, this girl was his world, and so very special.....my aunt was a sick and depressed alcoholic....

I have a son and daughter and this has profoundly affected me.

 

 

one week later, a very dear friend and fellow guitarist succombed to bone cancer.....it was sad to see his decline, and very painful for him......he was a good dude and only 54......

 

 

Today my mom told me my younger sister may only have weeks or months to live and has to spend her birthday at Mayo Clinic having emergency surgery in 2 weeks, and that I can't tell anyone....period......shes only 45.....

Cancer again........

 

Humans are interesting in their ability to take alot, but at what cost.......

 

We lean on each other I guess........

 

What's next, I'm afraid to imagine.....

[mhowe]

Holy lord SJ --- my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family...and friends. This is a horrific set of events by any standard.

 

Try to stay grounded --- be there for the ones you love in their time of need. And remember, that you too need to "replenish" the well from which everyone will be drawing.

[metrogirl]

I'm so very sorry for your losses. I can't even begin to comprehend the pain you are feeling. I will pray that you find comfort soon.

[kitkat620]

I cannot begin to imagine the pain and anguish you must be going through and I can only offer my condolences for the losses and heartache you've experienced.

Yes we are meant to be strong and we are meant to move forward, even in times of extreme grief and pain. The only thing I can offer you is the comfort in the memories you have of those that are/were close to you. You have children of your own that need you and you must be strong for them.

In life things happen that we have no explanation for. People leave our lives for no reason and no account given makes sense. All we can do is cherish the time we did have with them and thank our higher powers that we were blessed to have had them in our lives no matter how short a time it was.

 

Harriet Beecher Stowe

~ When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you,

till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer,

never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

[Edmund Exley]

Hey bro, Im always here for you. You know that. Anytime.

[surfjon]

Thanks folks.......

 

I'm trying to keep things in perspective....knowing there is so much worse suffering in the world, my troubles are minor....

 

I left work a bit early yesterday because I just couldn't focus, and as I was driving home my 20 yo daughter called me.....

 

I could hear distraction in her voice and she finally told me "Daddy....I'm pregnant".....

 

She's focused on school, and carrying a child is not an option, and she's decided to terminate, which I fully support....

Me and my ex-wife went thru this at 19 and 21 yo.....it's a tough choice, but we made it as did she....

 

I found myself nearly elated that I get to deal with this with my daughter.....

 

I put myself in my uncles place.....I'm sure he would give ANYTHING to be dealing with my problem.....

 

He'll never get to deal with anything like this because my aunt robbed him of his future with his daughter.....

 

He won't get to see her learn to drive, graduate high school and college, get married, have kids.....

 

I am indeed a very lucky man.....

[IAmFCA]

SJ,

 

I am overcome with sadness by this string of messages and I am grateful that you posted.

 

Please please please set up some meetings with a professional who can help you process these traumas. Too many at once for anyone, anyone, to process without damaging so much else. Eventually, you will get through this. Absolutely you will. I hope you are finding a counselor of some kind to help you, so you have someone who can reflect back to you both the degree of the horror and the depth of your ability to manage. Talking it out will help bring into human size, and you will need someone who can listen since you have been asked to be quiet about some, and will want to be quiet about others of these events.

 

When I have experienced multiple traumas at once, I have also been at risk for other things: car accidents, speeding tickets, losing things, just random results of being so anxious and distracted. Then in recovery, using people to help me escape. "Using" is probably too harsh, but it gets at the basest truth of it. A counselor will help reduce these unintended impacts, whatever they may be for you. However you are dealing, just know that you are not alone.

 

I am so deeply sorry for the losses to you and to those around you.

 

You always have had the support ENA like few of us have earned. You have earned it with your genuine way and your honesty and kindness. We will now return that to you.

[mhowe]

Wow...it justs keeps coming. I am sure that was a difficult phone call to make to you --- and to share her decision.

Regardless of our chronological ages, we are always "daddy's girl".

Your support through this difficult decision will cement what already appears to be a very close relationship.

[IAmFCA]

SJ

 

I am rereading my post. You didn't ask for advice and as always you sound like everything is in perspective already. I hope I didn't overstep.

 

I acknowledge your extraordinary coping skills. Still I want for you the support of a private coach, cheerleader, ear, and emotional mentor so that you can speak your experience out loud. You deserve that level of attention and support, regardless of your ability to get by without it.

[surfjon]

Ithink.....

 

My son is in counseling for some issues he has, and I will be there with him today....

 

I like his therapist and am going to schedule an appointment for myself. I probably need to be on something right now.

I don't sleep right, not really eating right either. I lost 4 more pounds that I didn't need to lose....

 

I feel like some ghost person existing in some surrealistic movie.

 

All I want to do anymore is sleep. I used to like life, now not so sure.

 

The only reason I still exist on this planet is because my kids need me.

[IAmFCA]

SJ I am so glad you posted and I am glad you found a reason to hang your hat on. Whatever the reason is, you have a reason to pull your weight forward. One day, that reason will be to save yourself, but who cares what the reason is for now.

 

Churchill said: If you're going through hell, keep going.

 

Nothing truer could be said for what you must do right now.

 

I am so rooting for you. I want to see you post again. I feel pain for you and I fear for you and I know you are going to inspire me with your slow, steady, bumpy, difficult recovery from this overwhelming array of tragedies.

 

Feeling like a ghost person? Totally logical. What has happened to you (I am purposefully thinking of this only in terms of what has happened to you) is beyond human scale. It makes sense that it has shoved over your sense of yourself and taken up residence in your soul. You, SJ, you own that soul, that body. Your voice resides within. I am praying that this afternoon's appointment will help you speak your voice so you hear yourself and connect a bit. I believe we MUST speak our fears to discover that we are strong enough to own them and face them.

 

And you know sleep will help you deal and heal, if only in small increments. I am glad you will get some help.

 

I imagine right now your artistic voice is distant, maybe frightening. When you are able to face your art and let the howl come out, maybe you will sound like Howling Wolf, no, maybe Chris Cornell. And then maybe, one day, Jim Croce.

 

Please keep posting. I am trying to hold you from afar, symbolically with my response.

[surfjon]

Ithink.....

 

Thanks for the kind words and wishes......it means so much, I can't even explain.....I have nobody to lean on here I so wanted someone to hold thru this, I guess it's human nature, but its ok.....I think my dogs and cats sense something because when I'm at home, they drape themselves all over me.....it does bring me happiness, but not like the arms of someone who loves you and is there for you....

 

When everything went down Sept. 11, I guess I went into a mode of just trying to be there for my uncle.....

I handled some of the more disturbing aspects of the incident, I feel like I did it mechanically....detached from the emotions as much as possible.....and I feel like now that the shock of the incident has diminished, it's now really starting to affect me....

 

I guess it's like post-traumatic stress syndrome, I dream about the inside of that house every night, imagine the horror of what went down and what that little girl experienced in the last minutes of her life......

I was in that house, and these deaths were not quick....the scene revealed a very long and gruesome demise for both of them.

 

 

I imagine her little 10 year old mind as she surrendered to darkness at the hands of her own mom.

Just horrible....I can't even type this...

 

I constantly worry about my kids now and especially about my daughter as she lives in Orlando and I in Palm Beach County, it's so damn hard to focus at work, all I want to do is sleep or drink and it's not healthy but it's where I am right now.

 

Yeah, I really need help.....

[IAmFCA]

SJ

 

Did you go with your son today?

 

It isn't like PTSD. it IS PTSD.

 

oh, and yeah, your pets know. I had similar attention from mine at different times. kind of nice to think they know and are there for you.

 

Keep posting.

 

ITIC

[IAmFCA]

I don't know why I thought of this just now, and I can't see my screen so I hope I am typing what I intend to say.

 

I have a friend of some 20 years. early in our friendship he told me was a painter who worked with oils, but that he never let anyone see his work. one day I got to see. the backgrounds were in blacks. the subjects were deep reds and Brown's. his works were very angry.

 

it was okay, of course, to use his art to get his darkness out for him to look at. I was so thankful his works came out from under his bed where apparently he had stored them for some time. how symbolic.

 

he has now, in his mid to late 40s, found his true self and real happiness. I am so happy for him, and for that day when I'm a very nonchalant way, I knew he had taken a big step.

 

again, sharing, not sure why.

[mhowe]

We share because this forum "speaks to us"...the voices of those who have been there --- or to reach back and say "I was there"...I know the way out.

 

To me, it was a godsend. To be able to vent...to hear that someone was listening, when no one in our own lives was able to...

 

ENA...priceless.

[IAmFCA]

mhowe, as always

 

Exactly.

[surfjon]

Thank you all,

 

Ithink...Yes, I went with my son, finally...yesterday, after 17 years, he was diagnosed as "highly-functioning autistic", which we sort of suspected.....he was put on an anti-depressant last week so hopefully that will help him.

 

I grabbed the Dr. afterward and briefly told him what was going on and that I'm really anxious and cant sleep so he prescribed me some xanax to take as needed so I slept ok last night finally.

 

I've pretty much been alone at my house since the incident and my son is coming down tonight so we'll just hang out and watch a movie and get a pizza and we like to play xbox together so it will be really nice to have him there.

 

I have to move soon because the bank is finally taking my house in January, I have a huge 3br/3 bath pool home and when my wife left in 2007 I struggled to stay current and pay child support....eventually I sold whatever I had except furniture and 1 guitar, when the economy tanked I only worked 20 hours a week and that barely covered child support and keeping the power on at the house.....I'd often go downtown and play in the street for tips so at least I could eat....sort of.

 

So I rented a much smaller place, so soon that will also keep me busy and occupied moving and setting up a fresh new place free from ghosts of my ex-wife.

 

 

All this crap we go thru makes us stronger, but enduring it is truly hard.

I don't know what I'd do if this site wasn't here........

[surfjon]

I find that when I feel the worst, the only things that comfort me are talking to my kids or sitting in the dark and playing my guitar.....I won't even realize it and an hour will have passed....I find myself also just going down to the ocean or the bay with my dogs and just observing things.....

[simplexity]

I am loss of words for what the recent events in your life.. I could only imagine... I am deeply sorry for your loss.

I pray that you be granted more strength and wisdom to carry on ..

Anytime you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.

Take care and hopefully good things will soon comes .. hugs

[iamkaylee]

SJ I am so very sorry for your loss and troubles. I wish I had seen this thread earlier.

 

I won't say I know what you're going through right now, because I am not you. But I will say I have been there because I have. It's a hell like no other. It's strange the place you're in right now. I spent years there and sometimes I think that's the only reason I survived.

 

Please go to counseling and let yourself grieve. The emotions you'll feel may take you on the wildest rollercoaster you've ever been on. Know that it will settle out with time.

 

If you need or want to talk, just let me know.

Sending prayers for you and your family.

[journeynow]

surfjon, sending you virtual hugs and good vibes, light, support, healing thoughts. Your guitar, your dogs, the ocean...glad you have them. (I'm glad your dogs hang by you. I had a dog that was too sensitive, if I was sad, cried or even sighed, she would leave the room, poor thing. ) I think you, in your situation, could call Hospice and ask about their bereavement services. I wish you all the best.

[surfjon]

Thanks all.....

 

I appreciate the good vibes......

My son came down this weekend, so that was nice.....it felt good to just have him around, and he understands the last few weeks have been tough.....

 

I caught up on sleep, slept most of all day Saturday. and alot on Sunday, actually ate right this weekend!

 

Made an appointment with county victim services to get my uncle and I and other family members into some counseling.

 

Hoping this week starts to breing some semblance of normalcy to us all.....

[surfjon]

I'm sitting here in shock as we just got the police report stating that my sweet little cousin was stabbed over 25 times by her mother and that my aunt had more than 150 self-inflicted knife wounds......

 

That there was no alcohol or drugs involved outside of the prozac she was on.....

 

They call it "Maternal Filicide".......

 

There is no "back to normal" here, a new normal will need to be found, where in the universe is this "new normal" .....

 

I need it bad....

[journeynow]

(hugs) surfjon. Yes, a new normal is what happens after an impossible event. Find moments of joy, and note them by holding them in your awareness moments longer so they may become part of your new hardwiring. I'm sending good vibes and light and healing energy.

[nfperception]

Hope everything is getting better for you.