Saying goodbye to a very special girl

[DestructoBoy]

Last year when I was going through the hardest times of my break-up I met someone very special. She was going through a very similar situation so we became close friends and helped each other immensely.

 

It didn't take long for our feelings for each other to grow into more than just friends. She was always there for me when I was down and I for her. We talked everyday and night on the phone. The problem was we were very far apart from each other and both of us were still healing from our previous relationships. If we were close to each other we would be a great couple.

 

I fell for her completely. I love this girl and she said she loved me. She was so caring, sweet, and absolutely beautiful. But the distance prevented us from being together. The distance also meant that I would have to understand that she would meet other guys and date. I was fine with this and was there for her when she needed advice. It was very difficult but we were friends first and foremost. I listened to her explain intimate relations with other guys and supported her decisions. I had a hard time ever telling her about my "relations". When I did tell her she always admitted that she was very jealous. So I refrained from telling her things that might upset her, yet I wouldn't lie to her if asked.

 

Now it's been a year and we still talked every night. Until last week. She told me that she needed to be honest about something. She then proceeded to tell me about this guy that she went to school with that always asked her out then all of the sudden stopped calling her. 6 mos later he calls…last week. He claims that he always liked her very much and blah blah blah. He asked her out and she accepted. This guy is only out for one thing and he's made that almost crystal clear by his actions before and now.

 

This was it for me. I couldn't stand to think about her with him and I noticed myself feeling very jealous and upset. Feelings very similar to the way my ex made me feel. With this I decided to stop talking to her. I can't stand by and listen to her talk about another guy again. Due to my feelings for her it has become unbearable to hear these things knowing about this guy and what he's up to.

 

I told her I couldn't do it anymore and wished her luck. Did I do the right thing? I had to do it for myself. The pain was too familiar for me. I miss her very much but can't deal with this anymore…..

[dreamweaverdude]

Dboy,

 

You are a wiser guy that I. I think you did. Knowing the one you love even considers someone else makes you feel worthless at times. So I think you did the right thing, no matter how hard it was. I admire you for doing it. Reading your comments made me think of me in something that happened over a year ago, but i dealt with it rather than leave. Looking back now, I probably should have left.

 

Good luck dude......

[zab]

you did the right thing, you have just prevented yourself from having extra heartache and more time for healing, if you had kept in contact u wud have probably started to think about your EX more aswel, so well done for being so wise

 

Zab

[GettingOverIt]

Knowing when to quit - man, that is the hardest part of this whole thing.... It's not easy, and you will probably feel things you never thought you would for a while, but you did the right thing. I wish I could have made such a clean break... You are stronger than a lot of guys, I can tell you that.

[DestructoBoy]

Fist off, thank you dreamweaverdude, zab, and GettingOverIt for your support on my decision.

 

It has been very hard not talking to her. She calls several times a day and emails too.

Now that I haven't answered or replied she has stopped all contact.

 

When I told her the way I felt she was hurt and very sad. She wanted to know why I couldn't be her friend as I have been for the past year. She said that she doesn't want a relationship with this guy and hopes he will understand that she only wants to be friends…(yeah right!)

 

It tears me up to think that I have hurt her in anyway. I cherish this woman and if I were with her I'd never let her go. I feel as if I'm letting her down by not being able to handle this and support her as a friend. Like I said in my first post….. "We were friends first and foremost"

 

I care for her so much. It's torturous to hear about her getting close to anyone else.

 

Am I being weak by not being able to deal with this? Any female perspectives on this?

 

Has anyone else been through something similar…please share???

[bat_grrl]

Am I being weak by not being able to deal with this? Any female perspectives on this?

 

Are you being weak?! No way! That took a lot of strength to do what you did. You had to do what was right for you. You were true to yourself and you feelings and that takes courage.

 

It hurts, yes. Be proud of yourself though. You did what you had to do for your own emotional well being. That is a difficult thing to do, especially when you love someone. Many times we tend to put ourselves last.

 

Good for you...

[apalosia]

I completely agree with batgrrl. You are not being weak. That was an incredibly strong thing that you did. You are allowed to be upset and or angry or any emotion that you want to be, they are perfectly justified, this is a really hard situation! so good for you for doing the right thing, and don't be hard on yourself whatsoever for feeling like you can't deal, because in reality, you are dealing, what your feeling is sadness... i wish you the best.

[dreamweaverdude]

Desctructo boy, I can't help but reply a second time after reading your reply response on 'being friends' first. Man I am dealing with something very similar as you... but I think you have handled a hell of a lot better than I. You are if you were weak.... In no way man.... sometime making NO DECISION at all is the sign of weakness.. Believe I criticize myself for THAT all the time.

 

Making a dedcision whether if it turns out to be the right or wrong decision mean taking a stand for what you think is right. That take courage and determination and confidence in yourself to know that you believe that what you are doing is right. THAT IS IS NO WAY A SIGN OF WEAKNESS. To me that is a sign of maturity and self-respect.

 

Good Luck dude

[GettingOverIt]

I agree - you are not weak! Being the song guy that I am, here are some lyrics for you from "Letting Go" - "Sometimes knowing when to surrender is the same as being strong..."

[Lilu]

Hello Destructoboy.

 

I agree with everyone here. You did something very brave. You should be very proud for your actions. You don't deserve extra headaches, while still healing from your previous relationship.

 

Keep strong,

 

Lilu

[avman]

I agree Destructoboy. What you did took maturity and guts. You realized you were headed into dangerous waters and took the steps necessary to avoid disaster. I commend you for your decision.

 

I know you don't want to hurt her. But lets not forget about yourself either. You are still healing from your relationship and you don't want to get into another situation where you are going to get hurt.

[zab]

as i stated before, u have done a wise thing and you have given me hope that i can get over my ex aswel, she wants to be friends and i am also in the dilemma of whether to be or not to be, i wud like to but not now i guess as i still love her, u are an inspiration 2 me, thank u

 

Zab

[11flower]

Okay Destructo,

 

Here's what I say. You love this girl. You know you do. I think you should try to be with her. I agree it took immense courage on your part to do what you did in drawing the line and protecting yourself from further hurt. This isn't wrong, actually the *right* thing to do, IMHO. But if you can't stand being apart from this girl, who seems anyway to want to keep something going with you, you ought to maybe take a more serious approach with her. Could you make an effort to meet her? You may regret that you didn't, one day. If you love as much as you do, well, this doesn't come along every day.

 

You probably still have hurts then from your last marriage which you may bring into the next love relationship you attempt. If you're geared and prepared to deal with them, seeing them honestly in the face, you can make it through.

 

So, anyway, take your chances and try to get together with this girl since you love her so much.

 

Flower

[11flower]

I guess I'd like to share a bit more. I had to recently say goodbye to someone very special, in a way. I posted this on the Infedelity forum, since I am married. I have kept most of my feelings, however, on the table with my husband. I never met this other man, actually. I am trying to work out my marriage with my husband, as well. Our marriage truly needs work, but we're good friends and invested a lot.

 

I fell in, what to me is, deep love (or at least the most passionate infatuation I could experience) with someone via internet. I still have feelings for him. We live a great distance one from the other. We became very close friends and talked daily and some by phone. He did requite my feelings, said he. I really wonder, however, if he ever felt what he said he did. It went up and down with him, and he is somewhat secretive. He is a divorcee within the last 1 1/2 yrs. Anyway, knowing it could or would never actually work, I encouraged him to find a wife who could fulfill his dreams. This is because I truly love(ed) him (or at least unbelievably passionate infatuation) and knew this to be, of course, best. I would become jealous when he would meet a potential mate.

 

Cutting a longer story short, in my case, I can not go meet this individual. I could, but probably will notl.

He asked to stop corresponding due to our being what he thinks is incompatible. True in ways.

I feel close to him and miss him. I had not felt such strong passion, emotionally, sexually, for any individual, even my husband, whom I love.

 

Can a person love two people deeply at once? Again, can you love one without having met them face to face? Maybe I love the idea of love/romance (who doesn't?). But many people meet via internet and end up married. It happens.

 

I believe in ways that this man is a soul mate for me. How do you explain this or the deepest love and passion in the universe, though, esp. when you are married and supposed to love the mate you committed to?

 

Have you met this girl, actually?

 

Thanks,

Flower

[GettingOverIt]

11Flower, the answer to your question is YES... I have been very deeply in love with two people at the same time. One was my wife and was a woman I fell for while my wife and I were separated.

 

Honestly, it drove me to the brink of insanity. I have never experienced such wonder, love, passion, hurt, sorrow, and agony all at the same time. I never knew there was ever a such thing as loving two people so deeply at the same time, for totally different reasons - they were two totally different people, but I loved them both very deeply. I ended up going back to my wife, but those feelings I had (still have) for the other woman are very real and very, very sacred to me.

[11flower]

Gettingoverit,

 

I want to thank you thank you thank you for this.

 

My feelings are as real as real can be. In fact, they;re the *most* real I've ever experienced..period! Sounds like you'd been knocked on your butt. This man affected me in all aspects this way. Unbelievable and hard as I tried, I could not control my feelings. And I wasn't separated, but with marital difficulties.

 

Wish I could get that with my friend, my husband. I've said to him jokingly that I want to set him up with someone. He doesn't want anyone else, though at times we don't like one another. Divorce would be so difficult; too difficult.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. Now I'm assured it does really happen.

 

Flower

[GettingOverIt]

Well, I'm glad to know that *I* am not the only one to feel this way, too... You know, sometimes we think there is no one else on earth who could ever know, ever really understand some of the things we feel. For me, knowing that someone else had been going through the same thing I was just made see myself as not quite so crazy...

 

Thank *YOU* for sharing your feelings, otherwise neither of us would have ever known that other people experienced the same things...

 

I wish you all the best in your future. It's not easy, and I'm still 'Getting Over It....'

[11flower]

GettingOverIt,

 

Thank you so much again. I'll take your good wishes. If there is at least 2 of us had gone through this, there have to be more. I guess this website's name says it. We're all just human and things just happen, as in both our cases.

 

I hope you will be able to benefit somehow by your experience, otherwise, it will have been wasted. I hope you make the most of it. I'm certainly trying to by my own experience.

 

You just take care and if you want to let us know any more if it helps heal you, then I hope you will. You see, that's why I joined these forums.

 

All best!

 

Flower

[DivineNess]

I think you did the right thing and it takes a strong person to do so. From what you've said about her getting jealous when she hears about you and other girls it seems like she also has feelings for you as well. I've been through a very similar situation and did the same thing you did and guess what? he is now my boyfriend. if she really cares for you she will not let you slip away so easily. Just be strong. Oh and another thing if you really think the guy she is talking to now is only wants to use her you should let her now because girls can be so blind sometimes. I only read the first page of this post so if i missed something sorry.