Finding Happiness

[wideeyedwander]

My ultimate question: Can you have it all in a relationship or are you always sacrificing some part of your ideal situation?

 

Details:

 

I am a 33 year old female. I am conflicted about a 33 year old male that I have been in a relationship with for about 6 months. I am considering breaking it off with him but am conflicted because we have such a great relationship. Here is the deal:

 

When I first met him about 5 years ago, I was not attracted to him whatsoever. I could tell he was interested in me but I did not reciprocate. He ended up meeting a woman within a few months of us meeting, they got married and he dropped off the face of the earth. He just resurfaced about 9 months ago. Again I could tell he was interested and I still wasn't. He started to pursue me and I told him I just wanted to be friends. He backed off. We started to get to know each other as friends and I started to develop an interest in him. I decided to give him the green light for us to start to get to know each other on a more romantic basis. Everything went great. I felt so comfortable and confident with him even though I normally feel insecure and hold back. We have everything in common it is uncanny. We have a great time together. Everything started to progress very naturally and every step of the way when I considered moving forward it felt like I was ready and wanted it.

 

Over the last few months I notice that when ever he tells me he loves me, I don't feel the same way inside. I feel like I am lying when I tell him that I love him too. This confuses me because along the way, before he even said he loved me I thought that I loved him. Now I don't think that I do. When I look at our relationship everything is great! We never fight but we have had issues and have just dealt with them in a very mature level headed manner. We have some of the greatest times together. We have the most engaging and interesting conversations. He treats me better than any guy ever has. He listens to me and always tells me how beautiful I am. He surprises me with romantic gestures but doesn't overdo it. In public he never checks out other women. he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the universe. He is very punctual. He cooks. He cleans. He is active. I feel like this is the perfect relationship. There is just one big problem. I don't think I am in love with him. How horrible of luck is that?

 

If I were to stay, I am afraid that years down the line I will regret not marrying someone I am in love with. I am afraid that we will eventually get divorced because I will ultimately be unsatisfied. If I go, I worry I will never find anyone who is as compatible as he is. Part of me is considering sacrificing my dream of finding "the love of my life" to commit to this person who is a very logical choice. I am 33 and running out of time to start a family. He is ready to settle down and I know he wouldn't waste my time.

[SooSad33]

Did HE come right to you after his break up? He could be insecure -why he's saying love- and you could be his 'rebound'...

 

No one's saying you have to get married,.. are they?

It's only been a few months.. dont want to wait any longer, to see if your 'love' develops?

I think the fact is.. is you're just NOT in love with him- so why bother continuing, right?

 

Then time to let it go...

[wideeyedwander]

He didn't come right to me after his break-up. He showed back up "on the scene" and we re-established a connection. He had been divorced for only a few months before he expressed interest though. We didn't start dating until about 6 months after the divorce. I know that is still a bit soon. He claimed to have rebounded prior to us dating though.

 

Yes, the fact is... if I am not in love with him, should I continue wasting both of our time? Or should I stay with him which will likely lead to marriage and start a family with him, knowing I am not in love with him but knowing we would be great life partners? Does there have to be love in marriage?

[Flywest29]

Seriously? Do him a huge favour and DO NOT marry him. Let him go, you don't love him and you can't force yourself to. If you marry him you will most likely divorce him and they he and the kids lose big time. Let him go.

[SooSad33]

Well, I'd think so.. good question. lol

Because something like 'Love' i think is more 'deep rooted' and some kind of 'comfort zone'?

With love,and in Relations- for it to work>> there's communication, understanding, respect, friendship & some 'love'.

 

(whatever that is.. ummm..lol)

I guess it's all in how YOU feel about him and this issue. Do YOU think he'll be okay and that he can 'provide' for you and what you want/expect in your futures?

[wideeyedwander]

Seriously? Do him a huge favour and DO NOT marry him. Let him go, you don't love him and you can't force yourself to. If you marry him you will most likely divorce him and they he and the kids lose big time. Let him go.

 

Aren't there tons of marriages out there where two people are madly and deeply in love but they are horrible together? Doesn't that happen ALL THE TIME? Which is better? A stable relationship with mutual respect or deep love but incompatibility. How many marriages out there actually have both?

[wideeyedwander]

Well, I'd think so.. good question. lol

Because something like 'Love' i think is more 'deep rooted' and some kind of 'comfort zone'?

With love,and in Relations- for it to work>> there's communication, understanding, respect, friendship & some 'love'.

 

(whatever that is.. ummm..lol)

I guess it's all in how YOU feel about him and this issue. Do YOU think he'll be okay and that he can 'provide' for you and what you want/expect in your futures?

 

See, and the thing is that I do feel like I love him and care for him but don't feel like I am "in love" with him. I can go a few days without seeing him and not miss him too much. This is really nice for my well being because I can live my life when we are apart. I don't have thoughts like, "I feel so lucky to have him" and "Wow, he is truly amazing" but I do have thoughts like, "How can two people compliment each other so well?" and "I am truly happy when I am with him". It is not a burning passionate response to another person but an appreciative acknowledgment that there is something rare and special between us It is so hard to explain but I am so confused at how two people could be so great together but can't be together by choice.

[FreedomRing]

I ended a relationship with someone I felt the same way towards.....it wasn't fair to him, or to me. You only get one shot at life...why short change yourself?

[Batya33]

It really, really helps in married life when things are stressful or even a bit rocky to remember and revive those in love feelings -to have all those memories and experiences of that love - I've been in your situation and did not marry those men -and I'm glad I didn't despite the "perfect" compatibility. If you don't have that romantic love foundation I think it's much harder to get through the difficult tims.

 

P.s. - because I waited as long as I did to find the right person I didn't start trying to have a family until I was almost 41. I hope you have the opportunity to try earlier -it's less stressful -but I don't regret waiting.

[SooSad33]

Well it does at least seem like you have some comfort around him, which is good.

Respect for each other etc.

 

I think YOU are going to have to be the one to decide what you really 'feel' here. Maybe give it a little while more too? To see if much changes?

He's been around less than a year.. who knows- give it a bit more time?

 

( My Ex is confusing the heck out of me here. We had a long term (5 yrs). Was forced break up when i nailed him for finding a 'new interest', back in May.

So- here it is...4-5 months later and in this time, he's happily recieved & sent texts, called me, has wanted to come see me etc. ,still.

So- I am wondering. IF he's so 'into her', How can he still be into me? or why?

Maybe YOU can ask your man? He had a LTR for 9 yrs? Ask him For how long did he feel for his ex before feelings were gone and he 'felt ready' to move on again?

Ever hear of rebounds?

[wideeyedwander]

It really, really helps in married life when things are stressful or even a bit rocky to remember and revive those in love feelings -to have all those memories and experiences of that love - I've been in your situation and did not marry those men -and I'm glad I didn't despite the "perfect" compatibility. If you don't have that romantic love foundation I think it's much harder to get through the difficult tims.

 

P.s. - because I waited as long as I did to find the right person I didn't start trying to have a family until I was almost 41. I hope you have the opportunity to try earlier -it's less stressful -but I don't regret waiting.

 

Thank you so much for your post. It almost made me cry because I feel like you understand why I consider settling. It also makes me feel okay to not settle which is what my heart wants me to do. The truth is that I have been waiting pretty patiently for a long time. I have been trying hard to find my future husband. I am finally REALLY starting to feel the pressure of my biological clock and it is scary. I wish I could just enjoy this time being single but I am so scared because I want to have kids of my own so bad. It almost seems like just picking someone who will make me happy and is ready to settle down is what I will take at this point. But you are right as well as everyone else on here. I will regret it. I haven't been waiting this long for nothing. I just have to expect that if I am meant to have children I will. If not I won't. I guess I should try to stop trying to control a situation I have little control over. It's hard though.

[Batya33]

Honestly I never understood why I needed to pressure myself to enjoy being single in my 30s. I had a fun fulfilling life, sure, but my main goals were to get married and have the opportunity to have a family. Ironically, the man I married was a man who wasn't right for me when we dated in our late 20s -but he was when we dated in our late 30s. And no, nothing at all to do with settling -just had to do with meeting again at the right time, we had both changed, and we fell in love.

 

What I would do is be proactive about meeting men and also women who might know single men, be very careful about not sticking around too long in go nowhere relationships and if you can afford it look into freezing your eggs. When I was your age it wasn't yet a viable option -it is now from all I understand although it is expensive.

[wideeyedwander]

Actually, he told me that things had been over between him and his ex for over a year before their divorce. He said he had already dealt with a lot of things while still married to her. I don't know if he was just saying these things to convince me to start a relationship with him but I have actually been in a similar situation so I understand.

[wideeyedwander]

Yeah, lately I have envisioned myself 15 years from now with a family yearning for my single years and wondering why I didn't enjoy it more. I am currently looking into egg freezing and feel fortunate it is an option.

 

That is a great story about you and your husband. I have heard others with similar stories. It is funny how things work out that way sometimes.

 

Thanks for your advice!

[SooSad33]

Hmm okay thnx.. I NEED to find sumone out there who has experienced this.

I just don't understand.. if or when he'll 'get over me' and/or ever be fully into her?

I'm thinking it's because we WERE in a LTR so not so easy to just leave it all and walk away. So, either way, I doubt he'll be capable of 'loving' her or anyone UNTIL he can admit he NO longer feels for me.

 

Really dont know what came over him to do what he did.. and now still show interest in me- I think he did a dumb thing!

Messed US up and really hurt me

[wideeyedwander]

Hmm okay thnx.. I NEED to find sumone out there who has experienced this.

I just don't understand.. if or when he'll 'get over me' and/or ever be fully into her?

I'm thinking it's because we WERE in a LTR so not so easy to just leave it all and walk away. So, either way, I doubt he'll be capable of 'loving' her or anyone UNTIL he can admit he NO longer feels for me.

 

Really dont know what came over him to do what he did.. and now still show interest in me- I think he did a dumb thing!

Messed US up and really hurt me

 

Sounds like you need to let each other go. You don't deserve someone who would do something like that to you. I think you both need to cut ties completely. You need to find someone who treats you well.

[Batya33]

Yeah, lately I have envisioned myself 15 years from now with a family yearning for my single years and wondering why I didn't enjoy it more. I am currently looking into egg freezing and feel fortunate it is an option.

 

That is a great story about you and your husband. I have heard others with similar stories. It is funny how things work out that way sometimes.

 

Thanks for your advice!

 

Yes, my 4 year old is wearing a bag from our take out chinese food, and underwear and pretending to be a monster while my husband is in the other room trying to enjoy about 3 minutes of his dessert. That's our Friday night (and I'm not complaining!). I don't miss the Friday night parties/date nights, etc and perhaps that's because I didn't get married until my early 40s but I also think it's because I never was into partying in the conventional go clubbing with a huge group of people and get drunk, way. All depends on what you find fun. Be really honest with yourself about what you find fun, and what you would find a sacrifice (or too much of one I should say) because that will also help you pick the right match for you.

Good luck with the egg freezing!