Let's try this again...Starting NC...Advice needed :(

[Nana00]

Sorry guys for the multiple accounts. I was on here a few years ago after a failed relationship. Now going through another I guess each one is different but we never learn do we

 

My apologies in advance for the long post. I don't know why I feel compelled to write every detail. My ex and I dated for about 5 months. We went NC for about a month, then became "friend" for 5 more months.

 

Details about our relationship...

 

My ex and I are both from the States, but we met in China in 2009. At that time, he just came out of a relationship that lasted a few months and was still traveling to Korea to see her even though they broke up. I was in a relationship at the time. We hung out in group settings and chatted online a few times. He told me it was lonely in China so he was actively searching for dates. I learned from him that he wasn't looking for anything serious because he was still recovering from a long term relationship that didn't end well. Before he came to China, at his going away party, he got drunk, blacked out, and slept with someone when he was still with his previous girlfriend. They had been having problems for a while. According to him, that night was one of the worst nights of his life. He's doing everything he can to not remember it and not repeat it. He's a late bloomer. He didn't date until mid/late 20's. His ex-girlfriend didn't enjoy being intimate as she was worried about being pregnant. That led to the drunk night that he regretted. A little more insight on his background: he's adopted and knew when he was little. He always had self-esteem issues, feeling he's not good enough. He values highly what others think of him and he internalizes everything.

 

In 2010, we both came back to the States and lost touch for about a year. I had broken up with the guy I was seeing in China. Slowly, he started to message me again online, on FB, and started to call. In early 2011, he found out his dad had a terminal illness and has only about a few months to live. Shortly after around March, his dad passed away and he started to write letters to me as a way to cope and I wrote back. Slowly, he started to call more and around summer/fall of 2012, we both liked each other. It was completely him doing the chasing, the initiating in the next few months. Not once did I contact him first. I told him clearly I didn't want a long distance relationship (since that's what we were in) because they don't work for me so if we wanted to make it work, we had to make plans to be closer. He invited me to his friend's wedding in November and that was the first time we saw each other after 2 years. Before the wedding, I emailed him asking if he was serious with me or if I was just a play thing. We were friends before we dated so I knew he was looking for only a fun thing back then. I thought years have passed that things have changed. Maybe not. It took him almost a week and still I didn't hear an answer. When he did reply, it was incoherent and didn't answer the question. I'm not sure why I overlooked it.

 

In the next couple of months, we traveled to different places and spent time together. He texted me every day with good mornings and good nights. We talked about him possibly moving to the east coast to be closer to me. Towards the end of December, one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend and I got scared. I have a tendency to push people away when they got too close. I told him we are too different and maybe we should go our separate ways. I wanted him to be happy, even if it's not with me. I asked him if we should end it, and he said to sleep on it. In the next week or so, we were fine. Seems like none of that breakup talk happened and we were making things work. In early January when I told him I'm planning to look for jobs on the east coast, he freaked out and told me to not consider him when I do. He's not ready for the move. A week later, he told me he's not ready to commit. We don't have the same interests so his feelings for me might change. I'm not his type. He'd rather be alone than be with me. I asked him if he wants me to move on, he said as much as it hurts, yes. My heart shattered.

 

I went NC for a month. Towards the end of Feb, I sent him a "hi, how are you?" text that opened our communication for the next 5 months. Once we started contact, he always messaged me first. He went back to sending me good mornings and good nights everyday. Slowly, he started to send me pictures of himself smiling or sleeping...seems to me he doesn't want me to forget what he looks like. That continued on a daily basis. Then it progressed to him sending me videos of wishing me a good morning and a great day and good night videos. We didn't define what we were. We were friends, but acted more than friends. For his birthday, I sent him a present and wanted to go visit him. He didn't really want me to go but changed his mind a few months later. After I booked my ticket, I had cold feet and told him it would be better to visit some other time, but he wouldn't let me change the date. We had a great weekend together and acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. At the airport, I asked him if he wanted me to move on, he hesitated and said, "I'm not sure." He said he would think about it and we would talk after he returned from his trip for work.

 

In the next month, he went to another country for work, but he made every effort to send me good mornings even though he didn't have a phone and the wifi was spotty at his hotel. I slowly started to distance myself. To me, if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, then that means no. If he doesn't know now, then when is he going to know? Slowly, I responded less and less. So did he. After he returned from the States, no more good mornings. He sent me a few messages to let me know he's back safely, I said welcome back. Even though I stopped responding, he could have reached out to me if he wanted to. He knows how to contact me, but he didn't.

 

It's been a few weeks since we stopped talking/messaging. I'm still so torn between his actions and words. He tells me he can't imagine not having me in his life. I helped him through the passing of his dad and I was a shining spot in his life yet he doesn't want to be with me. In the past 5 months, his daily text messages, videos and telling me how important I am to him made me feel he cares for me deeply. He tells me he has dreams of us going on trips together.

 

Our 5 months of "friendship" was a relationship without a label. I feel so empty right now. I want to contact him again, but I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I thought he was confused about being with me when he broke up with me in January because his actions suggested otherwise. That's why I had hope. But I was the one who's confused. He didn't want to commit then, and he still doesn't want to commit now. Why can't I forget him? Why do I miss him so much? It's so unbearable.