Keeping in touch after LDR? Wanting to be friends?

[Lily04]

Hi. I just got this e-mail from my ex-boyfriend saying that he wants to keep in touch/be friends. We were in a logn-distance relationship for 2 months before I borke up with him & had been dating for 2 months before that. He sent me an e-mail a few weeks after break-up asking if he could call me since he's coming back for the Chrismas holidays, asking if he can call me & spend time together. He said: " I still do care for you and haven't forgotten the good >times we shared in the summer; however, I realize that this distance >makes things impossible." I replied back saying that I'm not interested in him anymore, and that I want to date new people..I thought the direct approach would be best.

 

Now he e-mailed me back saying that: "In my last email I didn't mean dating, I meant "calling" you to say hello. However, I gather because of your evasion, you are dating someone else already, but don't want to tell me... As I said earlier, I understand your choice (I am in England after all ), but I still want to be friends. I do enjoy our somewhat infrequent emails."

 

Later on:

 

One thing that struck me was your justification that our interests had diverged. I don't think that is really the case... You may dislike English for the time, but I still think it is for you Virginius Lillius (his stupid pet name for me because I am still a virgin.)

 

(I meant that I wasn't really attracted to him anymore, not just that my interests haev changed.. I really don't like him to be honest. He's an annoying prick and I just want to be done with him..)

 

He also says:

 

"I'm also slightly curious who you are going out with now? Is it Sam? Arthur and I were talking, and we thought it would be him... I have found someone else too, she is very interested in me but the time really isn't making things easy."

 

Keep in touch,

 

my ex

 

UMM..I feel like the questions he's asking aren't really any of his business. And I dont want to keep in touch with him. What shuold I say?

[Lily04]

ugh ok I just responded with what was on my mind. Please tell me what you guys think..

 

Hi,

 

I just feel like it would be weird to try to stay friends..I really don't know if I can do that. And I am dating someone else now, although you don't know him. He is in one of my politics classes. It is definitely not Sam, I don't know why either of you would have got that impression, although it's really none of your business in any case.

 

Anyway, good luck with the new girl. Since you're the only guy in your class I wouldn't assume it would be too difficult to find someone, so have fun with it.

 

Best,

 

me

 

--

 

I know he's still itnerested in me, I just wish he would leave me alone. I don't want to stay in touch but I don't know how to stay it..I'm not good with this stuff I guess.

[Lily04]

since more than 20 ppl. have looked at this & thought about my post, can someone reply soon? I have to leave in like 5 mins. and won't be back til tonight, so if I can get some advice soon to possibly get this off my mind that would be great. For some reason it has just really left me distressed..

 

I guess the thing is that it's not a big deal to still keep in touch, as he's in another country. But then it would be like just back in the LDR, as we only sent short e-mails to each other every few weeks anyways, so it wouldn't feel any different. I just want to cease all contact with him, but he's going to be upset, I don't know if this is reasonable? Can someone please help me out here? He was my first boyfriend..so this is my first breakup.

 

thanks.

[mahlina]

His B.S. is B.S. I would cut him off completely for now. Sounds like he's only in it for himself. As long as he's planting seeds in your head, then he feels as though he's succeeding. If I were in your shoes, I'd either:

 

1. Tell him to give me my space- Say, "Glad to hear from you, but I need my space to move on. Thanks for understanding." Keep it short, simple, straightforward. And, if he demands an explaination, then there are no ifs, buts, or because. There are no excuses that you need to give him.

 

2. If he pulls your leg, by trying to keep in touch again, then ignore his e-mails. Spam it on your account.

 

I think that you've already given him enough chances to be nice to you. But, once the relationship doesn't work out, then it's already a red flag warning. Dating doesn't have to be difficult. It's good that you realize that he's a prick, and as far as I'm concerned, sounds like he's a rooky trying to get game.

"In my last email I didn't mean dating, I meant "calling" you to say hello. However, I gather because of your evasion, you are dating someone else already, but don't want to tell me... As I said earlier, I understand your choice (I am in England after all ), but I still want to be friends. I do enjoy our somewhat infrequent emails."

He doesn't sound honest with his intentions towards you.

 

My cousin told me this once when I was young. His words will never leave me, and it's true. Don't believe every word a person tells you, unless if they show it through their actions. That also means that they're watcing out for your back. But, if they're only keeping in touch, and are doing things just to please themselves, then don't feel guilty about giving him the hand =; , and politely telling him to get lost.

[hurtbylove]

It's ok if you don't want to keep in touch anymore.

 

I'm not sure what's the best way to say it though.

 

At least it won't be hard for you to ignore him since you can't physically see each other anymore.

 

----

That makes me sad though since I am trying to break NC after 7 months. I was on the receiving end of the breakup (she left me). I guess there really is no reason besides wanting her back to talk to her anymore.

 

I know I should move on, but I don't know when I'll stop trying.

 

I just need more time.

[mahlina]

P.S.- I remember reading your post a while back on LDR's. I remember reading something about how his contacts with you weren't as frequent, something like that...Here's the post: [link removed a doomed relationship? (long, and I'm venting) I see that he wasn't putting enough effort in the first place. That's why I arrived to the conclusions that I did, based on your response in that post. I'm glad that you made the right move, and sure hope that you will find someone who will treat you better...Take Care!

[Lily04]

Mahlina thanks so much. I've read your posts in the past, and you give really good advice so I'm really glad you replied. =) Do you think I should send this in a reply? I think I might have given him some leeway by saying "I don't really know..(if I can be friends).." Knowing him he will insist upon it in his next e-mail.

 

So I think I'm going to send this then:

 

Hi ___,

 

Just so that there's no confusion about my last e-mail about keeping in touch..It was nice to hear from you, but I need my space to move on, so I would rather not keep in touch. Thanks for understanding, take care.

 

Lilly

[mahlina]

Hurtbylove, Hang in there. Everyone's situation is different. I hope that things will work out for the best for you too. Maybe your ex's reasons for the break-up are different. Try not to take this post too personally okay? I'm sure that your situation was different. Cheer up... Things will get better! It just takes a whole lot of time to heal from a heartache.

 

Thanks Lily ...That sounds fair. Since he is the one who is the dumpee, I think that it's good to be gentle on him. But then again, his actions are what escalated to the break up anyway. Let him know that things didn't work out, and that you guys can still be on good terms, but it just hurts too much to talk to him for now. I have this thing about being sympathetic to ex's. Be sypmathetic to the one's who treated you nicely, even if they did things that hurt you. At least, in the end, they realized their mistakes. There's no need to hold grudges against them. They're still good people. But, we don't have to be nice to the ones who were selfish with their intentions. It's good to be nice, but not too nice sometimes. So, write the letter according to how you feel is necessary. I sense that if he was a prick, then a letter that is stern is more appropriate.

[Lily04]

Thanks. Well I just wrote the e-mail as it was in my post..I hope that's not too harsh. Oh well..hopefully he'll understand.

 

Thanks again,

 

lily

[apalosia]

lily it sounds like you know what's up and what you need to do, and it seems like it's him thats making you second guess yourself. a word of advice that i always hear concerning my relationship: you need to take care of yourself first. i think you're doing pretty good though. p.s. I highly doubt that he's dating someone, but that's just my opinion.

[Lily04]

Hehe, thanks apalosia. =) I'm 99% sure he's not dating someone as well, as he told me before that he's not interested in any of the girls in his class, he couldn't imagine dating any of them. But to be honest, I'm not dating anyone now either There are a few people I'm interested in & who aer probably interested in me too, but I haven't initiated anything yet. So I don't know I'll see (also to be completely honest, I know Sam was also interested in dating me, so I can sorta see how they would get that..) But I know that if I tell him I'm not dating anyone, when Christmas holidays come around he's not going to leave me alone.

 

I also know that he was lying about his intentions in this e-mail. In the previous e-mail he asked if he could call me & we hang out, or "would it be too awkward, knowing that this wouldn't really lead anywhere?" You don't ask that if you just want to "call" someone. And he also said that the long-distance is "making this impossible" when we already broke up. I'm NOT that stupid. I'm taking the LSAT buddy, I'm trained in logic. What an idiot. Anyways, sorry I just haet it when people underestimate my intelligence..

 

But in any case, thanks for the replies..if he doesn't get the point & starts MSNing me, etc. I will block him as Mahlina suggested.