Blindsided by Breakup After Vacation and Aftermath

[stubbs35]

Hi everyone, this is the story of how my ex dumped me a few days after a romantic vacation, went NC, and how I finally got him to give me closure:

 

The History

 

My ex and I met in March 2011 through mutual friends. Upon our initial meeting I truly wasn’t interested in him, he lived 2 hours away, had a 2 year old daughter, and I didn’t want a relationship. He pursued me and eventually I grew to love him. The first year of our relationship was pretty blissful. Lots of effort on his part to keep in contact, lots of “I love yous” and romance, we traveled together and were partners in crime. I was convinced this was real love. We ended up having a few fights over the summer of 2012 and went on a break in August 2012. We talked it out and reconciled.

 

The past year was fantastic. I unexpectedly moved 6 hours away from him for work for a year contract this February, but we still saw each other every long weekend, and for a few weeks at a time. I connected with his daughter and he introduced me to her as his girlfriend (a big step for him). She accepted me and we were becoming like a happy little family.

 

The Breakup

 

In June we decided to go on a trip to Florida together. He was going for about two weeks, but I decided to come for only the first weekend padded with a couple of weekdays. He invited his best friend (admittedly kind of a wreck, booze, strippers, chronically commits infidelity, can’t support himself, drugs) down to Florida for the second weekend after I was gone. I was really nervous about this and it was our only fight all year. His friend had recently dumped his fiance (for entirely made up reasons as it turned out) and so I agreed that it would be good for the friend to go to Florida and get over it. My ex was really happy with this answer.

 

Our trip together was amazing! We had the best time. From the moment he picked me up at the airport everything was great, he even mentioned regretting breaking up with me last year, saying he would have returned and reconciled after that. We'd been to the same hotel and area a couple of times before and reminisced about those happy times in our relationship.

 

After I returned from the trip things were good for a couple of days. As the weekend approached I began to feel really anxious. I started to think about my life and I felt like my work especially was out of my control and too much pressure. I was so happy in Florida with my ex and so lonely in my new city where I didn’t know anybody. I had a complete breakdown. I tried to tell my ex, but I was really embarrassed. He tried very superficially to support me, but eventually said he was having a really good time and didn’t want to be brought down.

 

After Saturday afternoon we didn’t talk. He refused to answer my texts or calls all night Saturday. He called me Tuesday when he returned home, I expected an apology, but he said: “I’ve never cheated on you throughout our entire relationship, but I can’t do this anymore”. He said I didn't adequately explain what was going on with me, and had I done that things may have been different. I assumed he cheated on me and just felt guilty.

 

The Aftermath

 

We didn't speak again until last night, the breakup was July 2nd. I went through an obnoxious pleading phase, which he largely ignored (sent me a few mean emails telling me to leave him alone, which I would do for a week at a time, then text him). I never felt there was any logical explanation for our breakup and I was desperate for answers. He reached out to all of my friends who he knew, including my old roommates (who introduced us) and even drove up to Canada to meet them. He mailed my things to my parents house. Due to these actions on his part I lost my support network completely. My friends don't want to choose between us, which I find very frustrating, because these are people he not only wrote off, but constantly complained about - saying they were lazy, selfish, jealous of my successes, slovenly, reminded him of his last userous ex etc.

 

The Closure?

 

Last night I finally got him on the phone. He was completely emotionless but didn't hang up. He said he felt nothing for me after the breakup but began to hate me because I pestered him. He didn't think we'd ever speak again due to that. He denied cheating on me, claimed I never really loved him, and I didn't respect his needs or wants (probably a bit true, he mostly wanted the independence to hang out with his coked out friend and strippers) and to not make real relationship commitments. I asked him why he was contacting all of our friends, he said he didn't want to answer that, I asked him to back off a bit until I'd had a chance to heal, he said he didn't feel like he owed me that. He didn't care to hear about how his actions made me feel like I was in denial, he didn't care to hear about any of the reasons for my breakdown, nor did he acknowledge them, he only said I should have explained things better. The two biggest questions I had for him: Were you really happy together during our Florida trip and the months prior? He said he was. I asked him why he didn't try to salvage things or even talk to me about what happened before just deciding to break up with me? He said he didn't know. His major complaint was that he felt like I didn't really love him. I told him I loved everything about him, our life, his family, his daughter, and he said I should have been better at showing it.

 

I suppose I can take one thing from this: When you love somebody but expect the worst of them it's very painful for that person. I often felt he was treating me this way, but I didn't really realized my guardedness and distrust was doing the same for him. In this way, early in our relationship I took him for granted. I suppose he was reminded of that by my breakdown and began again to think the worst of me.

 

 

I guess that's closure. I feel a massive sense of loss, but also that a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't realize people could act like this. I don't think he's met anybody else, maybe he has though. In my experience the only time somebody moves on drastically and so quickly is because they've met somebody else.

[lavenderdove]

>>he mostly wanted the independence to hang out with his coked out friend and strippers)

 

Well, if he's doing that, then he's probably doing the same as his friend. Really, think about it, his friend is just a mess, and he wants to hang out with that friend, ipso facto, most likely he has a dual life, one 'normal' life he lives with you and the other a drugged up/sexed up life with his friend that he lies about to you. Honestly, most decent people don't want to hang out all the time around drinking/drugging/immoral people. So he's comfortable in that element, and i'd lay 99% odds that he's doing exactly what his friend is doing and you are naively believing that he isn't when he lies to you.

 

If you look at the sequence here, he dumped you right after a booze/drug/sex-fueled weekend with his buddy. So he came to the conclusion that he'd PREFER to be that drinking/drugging/freaky cheeseball than someone's normal BF. He just wants to have fun, fun, fun and not deal with real life and a real relationship.

 

Most people aren't entirely honest about the reasons for the breakup either... they either sugar coat it, or lie about the real reasons because it makes them look bad.

 

And really, the making him feel like you didn't love him? All that means is he had several hookers/strippers tell him what a hot stud he was and stroke his ego and everything else to get him to open his wallet and he felt good,good,good while they stroked him, and there you were making him feel like a normal BF/human being with flaws rather than a love god. Stupid dufus!

[stubbs35]

Completely agree! I know now there was no logical reason for this breakup. He had a romantic highly sexual vacation with me during which he bragged on me constantly and told everything I was the best thing since sliced bread - that's new and challenging to him. Then he had an alcohol fueled stripper bender (old hat for this guy) while I was freaking out and decided to eliminate relationship responsibility from his life - that's a comfort zone for him.

 

 

 

 

I never thought of it that way, but I totally agree. Not only that, but he would constantly complain I wasn't independent enough. He thinks emotional detachment is independence. I can never compare to the detachment of a hooker or a stripper losing interest in him when he runs out of money.