Spent time with ex, wow did I do everything wrong

[Bizw]

My girlfriend of five years broke up with a month ago, so she could spend all of her time with her friends and not have to answer to anyone. Shes been out almost every night with her friends drinking and partying with other guys. Shes very attractive and outgoing, her friends are also. The have guys over to there house almost everynight that are also attractive from what my ex tells me.

 

My ex tells me that she isnt looking for another guy and she just wants space. She has also said if she wanted to be with anyone it would be me. Yesterday, she looked at my cellphone and found another girls number on it that she didnt know. She said time for you to be hurt then, she tells me that she was gave her number to this guy that she says is hot and really nice and told him to call her. I know this is not the first guy that shes given her number too but anyway it hurt.

 

So back to my story, We went shopping yesterday and she spent the night, a great oppurtunity to have a good time. Well, I f*cked it all up. After she told me about the guy she has met it was game over. It dominated my thoughts and I started asking questions and so on. Basically did everything that I shouldnt have. When we woke up, I got up and decided to take her home right away, once again like a moron I start asking questions, by the end of the half an hour car ride things were horrid. She told me that she has so much fun with her friends and I'm just this little annoying thing holding her back making her depressed. That I'm a negative entity in her life. It killed me. So I'm here now writing this post about 20 minutes later.

 

 

Is it time to through in the towel guys? She says she doesnt trust me to let things go anymore and shes sick of having me be the only negative aspect in her life. It kills me to have her think of me that way.

 

I've tried no contact, only to have her call me over 50-75 times each day when I did it, then I would break down and answer. Finally I decided I needed to heal and enough was enough and I wasnt going to pick up no matter how many times she called. I did this for two days, and she showed up at my house at 3:30am on a rampage.

 

What would you do in this sitution, have things went to far and I'm never going to get her back?

 

Have I pushed her into hating me?

 

Do you think shes involved with other guys to a greater extent that just giving out her number. * She hides her cell phone and is very protective of it.

 

I know I should quit contacting her but what can I say so we don't leave off on such horrible terms. I don't want to end are realtionship this way. Regardless of getting her back or not I don't want her to hate me.

 

Any advice would help so much, if you think I should give up be blunt, If you think she might already be dating other guys be blunt also. I think I need to wake up and smell the coffee so please share your feelings.

[rich46]

Bizw,

 

As you know, I've offered a lot of advice already. I can't really add any more to it.

 

But each time you have contact with your ex, it's going to make it less likely that you'll ever get back with her. That alone should make you initiate no contact. I know you've tried...BUT TRY HARDER. Toughen up a bit.

 

Yes I believe she is dating other guys, maybe even sleeping with them from what you've said. Ask yourself, do you really want a girlfriend who behaves like this? No contact is a win-win situation here...you will begin to heal a lot quicker and she will be more likely to miss you. Where's the debate in that? It's a fact.

 

Be a man, stand up for yourself, and stop being used as a DOORMAT.

 

What other option do you have? Going out to restaurants and going on shopping trips is hardly doing much good is it? The complete opposite in fact.

 

But it is never too late to initiate no contact. Just make sure it's for real this time and you don't buckle so easily.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[Bizw]

Thanks again for the advice, I sure you think I'm pretty thick-skulled by know.

 

What makes you think that shes already dating and sleeping with other guys? I'm not taking any offence to what you said just curious in what makes you think that.

[arwen]

Before I can give a meaningful answer to this, I don't get one thing. You guys spent the night?

 

I think you are BOTH not letting go of each other. You tell she doesn't do the NC, and neither can you. She is jealous of you and makes you jealous in reverse. She says you are a negative aspect, still she spends time with you and doesn't let you go.

 

So, I can imagine you are confused.

 

I think you should wait a couple of days and maybe write her a letter. I am always pro-letter when it comes down to this kind of difficult relationship-moments. I wrote a lot to my ex when we had our difficulties. They helped to straighten my thoughts, I would write one for myself first, leave it for a few hours, and write one to him.

 

Just tell her how you feel about your relationship, and how you would like the future friendship to be. Tell her you still love her and explain you were overcome by jealousy.

 

I can't say if she is dating another guy. I am not a psychic and I don't know your ex. From what I hear, whether she dates someone for real or not, fact is she is making you jealous. That is what I get from the story about her looking in your phone.

 

Ilse.

[rich46]

Thanks again for the advice, I sure you think I'm pretty thick-skulled by know.

 

What makes you think that shes already dating and sleeping with other guys? I'm not taking any offence to what you said just curious in what makes you think that.

Well the fact she has guys calling her at 3.30am saying they want to "suck on her titties" is a bit of a giveaway. Even if I'm wrong, my question remains...do you really want a girlfriend who acts like this? It is still very early for you, and you are probably in denial like I was for a while, but one day soon you'll wake up and think "To hell with her."

 

As you know, my ex left me with the similar excuses about noone to answer to etc. Trust me, this means she wants to go out clubbing and get off with other guys. Our exes are young and if they want to do this, then we have no option but to let them do it. But we shouldn't stick around in the meantime...no way.

[Bizw]

I want to begin no contact again, it was the only thing that made her feel for me and the only thing that started to make me heal

 

My question is- We left on such horrible circumstances today, I hate to leave on a bad not regardless if I get her back or not. I don't want her to remember me as being a negative part of her life, this assures that she'll never come back and also assures that she'll remember me badly.

 

Can you advise me on anything to say to her before no contact, or is it pointless?

[Bizw]

I guess my biggest fear also is that shes going to find another guy during no contact and no even care that I'm gone.

 

I guess I need to face it and understand thats reality, but it's hard for me to believe a five year realtionship could be taken away by someone thats been in her life for such a short time. This is really tough on me, I hope I don't sound like a baby, but this has to be the hardest thing I've dealt with yet.

[rich46]

Can you advise me on anything to say to her before no contact, or is it pointless?

I think it's pointless, and won't have any bearing on whether she ever comes back. She may be mad for a few days or whatever, but I presume that you had a lot of good times in your 5 year relationship? If this is the case, these happy memories will replace the argument you had with her. But only if you do no contact...and stick to it!

 

I've told you before, but I did no contact (and still am) and my ex did call me a few times crying, saying she missed me etc. Obviously we're not back together, but at least I know she has fond memories of me. If I'd have stayed in contact, it would have turned bitter without question and the chances of us ever being together again would be ZERO. Right now, I don't think that is the case in the long run. I am going travelling in February, but who knows what will happen one day? You know, if we bump into eachother...

 

But staying in contact with your ex right now is not a good idea at all. Leave her alone, and if she continues to call you, reiterate that you can't be friends with her. Keep reiterating it. Don't reiterate it a couple of times, then go out on a shopping trip with her as that will accomplish nothing whatsoever. You must be strong and stick to your guns.

[tea]

You're breaking up. It really doesn't matter if you break up on good terms or bad terms if you're going to do no contact.

 

If you really want to go through with your no contact thing, you have to help yourself and seriously, stop being a baby. If she keeps calling you unplug your phone. If she e-mails you block her e-mail address. If she talks to you online block her. Whatever you do, just stop talking to her.

 

Why are you so eager to keep her around when you're trying to break up with her? Why are you even worried about her not caring about you anymore during no contact? Isn't that your original goal? You two need to MOVE ON. Hence you need to stop caring about each other, and that's why you're in a no contact period.

 

Don't date her anymore. Going to your house at 3:30am, not care about if you have time for her or not, and taking another guys call and having him tell her he wants to suck on her titties.... what's left in her that you desire anyways?

[sweetharmony]

it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. she's playing mind games with you big time. don't worry what she thinks- she thinks one thing one day and another thing another day. just don't call her- don't warn her. just begin no contact. answer her phone calls, but let her know that you can't do this anymore. she broke up with you and you need to move on. she's seeing other people, so you need to heal and talking and seeing one another is just not healthy for either of you. let her know all these truthful thing. don't play games back. just be honest. she is going to see other men either way- you didn't f-up or anything. she didn't get back together with you and even when things seemed to be good-you both were shopping etc...she still admitted to having given guys her number- so whatever negative image she says she has- is not just from this minor incident. she probably was just saying this on a blurt of the moment thing. don't stress about it- move on.

[rich46]

I guess my biggest fear also is that shes going to find another guy during no contact and no even care that I'm gone.

 

I guess I need to face it and understand thats reality, but it's hard for me to believe a five year realtionship could be taken away by someone thats been in her life for such a short time. This is really tough on me, I hope I don't sound like a baby, but this has to be the hardest thing I've dealt with yet.

Of course you don't sound like a baby...read my old posts and I sound exactly the same...that's why I'm particularly interested in your situation and is the reason I am replying.

 

Yes, she probably will find another guy. Doesn't mean to say it'll work out though. She may date a complete loser and realise that she has made a mistake in letting you go...? Who knows.

 

You're right, it is the hardest thing to deal with. But you'll cope and as each day of no contact passes, you'll feel a little bit better.

[Bizw]

I know the point of no contact is not to get her back. It's so I can began to heal.

 

I knew this breakup was coming for a year almost, I began dredding it that long ago and probobly built it up so badly that it's made it worse.

 

Always thought we would be together, she the only person that I had that knew everything about me and truly accepted me for me and still loved me. Theres nothing better than having someone you think so much of love you back for who you are.

 

It kills me to think of another guy having her and it's seems to me that it won't be long. She sees me as negative and any guy thats with her and her friends having fun, seems to me as having a huge advantage. I need to get past the point of her being with someone else. Thats what killed me so bad yesterday, I feel like I can't compete.

 

Look were the past month has gotten me- NOTHING!!! Wake up idiot look what your doing to yourself, but I can't let go. My love feels so sincere and innocent, like anybody would be so happy to have someone care so much, and with her it means nothing.

[rich46]

I know it's not much comfort, but I can relate to nearly every word you write. You are not alone with these feelings.

 

We are only young though, and our time will come again. In the immediate aftermath of a break up, it's natural to put your ex on some kind of pedestal. I did it too. But no contact really does give you a whole new perspective on things, and maybe in a couple of months you will see things clearer. Of course it will still hurt, and you'll miss her, but you will begin to realise that maybe it was for the best that you broke up while you are still young...

 

If you've seen it coming for a year, then your relationship obviously wasn't ideal. For about 6 months my ex acted distant towards me, and was more interested in her new friends than me. Well after a few weeks of no contact, I even started to get feelings of relief that everything had come to a head. I still get lonely now of course, but it actually feels a lot better than when I was sat at home alone, while she was going out to clubs and doing God knows what with other guys.

 

As far as I'm concerned, she can sleep with a different guy every night now because we aren't together anymore. The only person who I focus on now is myself. Don't worry about what she does. Worry about yourself.

[CarterJonas]

As far as I'm concerned, she can sleep with a different guy every night now because we aren't together anymore. The only person who I focus on now is myself. Don't worry about what she does. Worry about yourself.

 

Couldn't agree more. The most important person in the world is YOURSELF.

[Bizw]

A problem I have is almost a fear of getting over her as weird as it may sound. I feel like I don't want to move on because then I know it's over. I also know thats just how I feel now.

 

I want to become strong and non-dependant on her and then contact her when I know that I'm not going to be affected no matter what the circumstances are. I imagine this will change after I start feeling better and begin not to care what shes doing. I hate to think of losing it all.

 

I thought I would mean more to her no matter what. I know shes growing up and was with me since she was 16 but we have both experianced so much. She lost her virginity to me and I don't think shes ever slept with anyone else, we've went on trips, and so on, just so many experiances together that were the first for both of us.

 

Is it really possible for someone to quit caring in a month when I was with her for since she was 16 to 21.

 

She has some things I think she would have done differantly in her life and I think everything she regrets she uses me as her scapecoat. Like I'm the reason that didnt do everything that she needed to do.

[tea]

just because she lost her virginity with you doesn't really mean anything. It's just a little piece of meat that girls have to get rid of sometime. Stop dwelling on it.

 

Your past is very long, but your future's even longer.

[getnbtrnow]

Hey this is great advice from everyone here. I've been trying no contact for the last 8 months and haven't succeeded yet. Today is the anniversary of the breakup and I haven't contacted her today or yesterday, which was the anniversary of the day we met. It's a tough thing to lose a relationship after 4 or 5 years. Mine ended as many have here with her wanting friends and partying more than me but, then ended up with another dude three weeks later to do the partying in the Karoeke bars with. I don't think she is still with him but is with another. It' hurts man and I'm a lot older that you guys are. There is not age barrier to breakups. You guys are young and have a lot of years ahead. Take good advantage of them. Learn from this. NC probably works, as for me I'm making a last ditch effort to get this woman back and it may last the rest of my life. I love her really love her. So I will not quit on her or leave her if someone else does. You have to do what you think works for you even it she doesn't come back. If pesistance is my stlyle, and it is, that's what I'm going to do. So far is hasn't worked. But, that's okay. In the long run it might. Good luck to all of us in the sea of love and heartbreak

 

GBN

[Double J]

Bizw,

 

Do yourself a favor and forget about your ex. If you keep her around, you might miss an opportunity with another great girl that comes along. It's not worth it to be friends with her or maintain any kind of contact. The best thing to do is stop contact so that your feelings may fade away and that way you get a renewed interest to meet new girls and start over. She might just be using you for attention now, don't put up with it.

[kipster]

Well the fact she has guys calling her at 3.30am saying they want to "suck on her titties" is a bit of a giveaway. Even if I'm wrong, my question remains...do you really want a girlfriend who acts like this? It is still very early for you, and you are probably in denial like I was for a while, but one day soon you'll wake up and think "To hell with her."

 

As you know, my ex left me with the similar excuses about noone to answer to etc. Trust me, this means she wants to go out clubbing and get off with other guys. Our exes are young and if they want to do this, then we have no option but to let them do it. But we shouldn't stick around in the meantime...no way.

 

Well, Rich for a young guy, you really 'GET-IT'! Your advice is on-point, as usual, and although I'll be the first to admit especially in one's early 20's its hard to believe the counter-intuitive notion that, by letting go often times you attract, I think that can be the case in alot of instances. Many times if you look at what works accross the boards and what doesn't, often, the person that does get the EX back seems to occur once they've given up on them and have moved on and are quite happy with the new guy/gal in their life. Then all the sudden, like Hailey's commet comes the Ex out of no where saying what they've lost, how big of a mistake they've made, etc.

 

But the hard part, make no mistake about it, is letting go. It goes against one's psyche to let that go for which you (perceive) to love. Many of us think they'll be with the next guy (and many times they are) or they'll never return etc., so we hold on so tight that we may even suffocate the person. And the funny thing is, if someone did that to us, we'd react the same way the EX does, probably. So although its tough (and it felt like it was ripping my insides to shreds in the beginning) its really the only way to go. If its meant to be and its His will, then it will be. If not, then there are thousands of men and women who would love a guy with the qualities that you have. Why not get started on finding them?

 

Kip