She wants "Independence"?

[earlylifecrisis]

I've been with my gf for 1.5 years now. At first it was total bliss, we loved each other and everything. Even now we both see each other whenever we can hang out etc and we love it.

 

However, lately she says she is "unfufilled" and thinks that we want different things in life. I intend on settling down with her after college and she knows that I'd do anything to make it happen. She on the other hand says she wants to "be independent" and roam around the world travelling and seeing new things. She says she misses home (We are both international students) and reminisces her friends and family back at home a lot. She's the type of girl that deserves the best that life has to offer and knows it. Falling short makes her feel "unfufilled".....what am I to do?

 

I'm so confused......... is it normal for a relationship to be "unfufilling" after 1.5 years? I don't know..... maybe we really DO want different things in life.....who knows? Any ladies out there feel the same? A bit stifled by their bfs but still love them and don't know what to do?

 

Also, I wouldn't mind going around travelling with her if she asked but i know that she wouldn't settle down for a few years get established and then start travlling if i asked her. That really makes me sad and angry at the same time, half the time the things i'd do for her she wouldn't do for me.....

[Dark_Raven]

ok, she wants to be alone, travling the world and all, but she also is madly in love with you. First of all, let her do what she wants, let her travel and all. What you could do, is before she starts the traveling, you and her settle down in a nice home near where she originally live, so she can visit family and everything. Then after getting along well and everything, you can help her pack, give her like a portable pc, and then let her travel, and you can keep in touch by e-mail or phone, that way she can travel, and both of you can keep in touch

[shes2smart]

I take it you're both in your early 20's? This is a time in life when you're doing a lot of growing and changing and figuring out who you are. It's not exactly prime time to settle down. Almost everyone changes so much through their 20's and even into their early 30's, that it's a huge gamble to get married that young.

 

A number of people I went to high school with got married in their early 20's. By the time our 10 year reunion rolled around and we were 28, a little more than half of them were divorced and single or divorced and on marriage #2. Fast forward to our 20 year reunion...we were 38, and maybe a quarter of those who got married in their early 20's were still with that spouse. Can't speak to the quality of those relationships, it's not like I was running about psychoanalyzing people at the reunion .

 

It's also equally likely that I'm wrong and you might be one of those people who gets married in their early 20's and stays married for 50 or 60 years. Take a step back and try to look at it objectively and realize that doesn't happen very often. Even when both people have the best intentions of staying together, life and time have a way of changing people and, unfortunately, they don't always grow together.

 

Also, I wouldn't mind going around travelling with her if she asked but i know that she wouldn't settle down for a few years get established and then start travlling if i asked her. That really makes me sad and angry at the same time, half the time the things i'd do for her she wouldn't do for me..

 

She's probably seen other women do just that -- put their dreams and goals on hold for a husband -- and never get back to them. It's a very common thing. No matter how far we think we've come in terms of equality, this is still one area where there's a long way to go.

 

Just because she won't give up her dream doesn't mean she loves you less than you love her. There are just some things you cannot compromise on because it would be giving up too big a piece of yourself. Maybe this isn't quite the issue for men as it is for women. I don't know. I just know that I saw a lot of women in my age group get married young, have children, then get into their mid to late 30's and start wondering when did they get time for themselves -- to pursue their dreams and goals and find out who they are. It was always sad talking to them...they seemed so....lost.... Seeing what they were going through, I was glad I had been so gung-ho about career stuff in my 20's and lived alone and dated and traveled alone and all the other stuff before I finally got married at the age of 38.

 

It may be that you do want different things out of life, and if neither of you - or only one of you - is willing to compromise you may have to go your separate ways. If she's not ready to settle down the absolute worst thing anyone can do is try to force her. If you're ready to settle down your choices are wait for her to be ready, or move on to someone who's relationship goals are more similar to yours.

[earlylifecrisis]

shes2smart is really smart!

 

Dark_Raven although on 14 has probably came up with a better plan than i'll ever come up with. THanks!

 

I think my gf is somewhat like shes2smart, she's intelligent and really into doing things that she finds enjoying like travellling etc. So I have a questions.....if i let her go off and do all these things without me...will she form memories with other people and other guys and soon I will fade away? I don't wanna seem like an idiot waiting for years for my gf to come back while she's hitting it off with some other guy in another country.....if u know what i mean.

[shes2smart]

I think my gf is somewhat like shes2smart, she's intelligent and really into doing things that she finds enjoying like travellling etc. So I have a questions.....if i let her go off and do all these things without me...will she form memories with other people and other guys and soon I will fade away? I don't wanna seem like an idiot waiting for years for my gf to come back while she's hitting it off with some other guy in another country.....if u know what i mean.

 

She may go off and meet other guys she's interested in and perhaps compatible with and move into other relationships, or she may meet other guys and realize she wants to be with you. It's something neither of you will know for sure until it happens. It's also possible you may meet other women you're interested in while she's gone, too. Life's kinda funny that way....stuff happens when you're not expecting it. Sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder, and sometimes it doesnt.

 

Pick a time when you're both relaxed and in good moods and have time to really talk about it (like, an hour before one of you has to go to work or a class is not a good idea ). Paint as detailed a picture as you can of how you see your future shaping up, and ask her to do the same. When she's telling you what she sees for herself, really listen...don't be thinking about how you're gonna fit into her picture or telling her how something will or won't work in her description. Just focus on what she's saying. Maybe you will find a way to make those two pictures fit together, and maybe you won't, but I think this will help you find the answers you're looking for.

 

Y'know, now that you mention it, I chose the screen name with an entirely different connotation in mind..."smart" as in smart-ass...it wasn't intended to be a self-congratulatory pat on the back. Oh, well.

[sidhat]

Dude,

 

This feeling form gilrs called "PHASE",, If you dont want to hurt your self then just leave her alone for a while let her do whatever she wants..Just meet her last time and say "Honey, I like you alot and I know you are strong girl and can take care of yourself..and Only do care about you alot"..very short meeting.. and then let her go..

This is pshycological phase come on every girl in relationship and MAN have to be show like MAN ..bcoz girls llike MAN and if you really love her then you have to obey her feeling..She will come back with more pressure of love..you will see..just no contact and let her fresh her mind for a while like a week or 2..

I know its hard for you to deal with ,,but you better go gym, shopping dressing up..dont think abt her..just think like a its a phase..just ler her go..If you really want HER...

 

GOOD LUCK..