Who exactly is "the right one"? How do we know?

[Double J]

Ok guys. Earlier in the week I posted about love finding you when you least expect it, which everyone seems to agree on. But I'd like to know what everyone thinks in reference to how we know we've found the person. How can we be sure that the person is right for us?

 

If a person right for us, does that mean that we are physically attracted to the person from the getgo, or we gradually become attracted after getting to know the person? In other words, you might meet someone you think is nice and wonderful on the inside, but you have not the slightest attraction for them physically. Does that mean this person is not for you?

For some reason, when I find a girl to be physically attractive, it clouds my judgment - I make myself "believe" that she also possesses the personality traits that I look for in a girl, and unfortunately, it doesn't turn out that way. Girls who I don't find physically attractive at first glance do tend to have those qualities as I get to know them better (I'm sure the guys can relate to this).

 

Also, do you think the right person has a personality and tendencies similar to yours, or they're different to better compliment what you don't have?

 

These are tough questions, but I'd like to see what you guys think.

[catgirl82]

id say i dated my fair share of guys in high school/college, none seriously. i noticed my current boyfriend in one of my classes. we didnt finally introduce ourselves until the last couple weeks of school, and it was so weird because every time we talked, we just couldnt stop talking. i'd often miss my lunchbreak by accident because we just couldnt stop blabbing. it was weird, almost as if we couldnt get enough of eachother. there was a REALLY strong attraction- physical but more mental. by the time id known him for about a week the physical attraction was unbearable. so i'd say it was physical and emotional attraction- very intense for a few months. of course after the honeymoon period it fades a little. anyway, i think the right person is the one where you say "oh my god where have you been all my life!!??"

oh and my boyfriend and i are VERY similar. to a point where we have a scary amount of things in common. most of the time its great- but it makes for some pretty intense arguments sometimes since we are both pretty stubborn and immature- lol

[hockeyboy]

you know when you know.

[RayKay]

Honestly, I think you just know, and I think generally you know very early on. It is not something you can explain or have a list for beforehand....there are certain things that must be present in order for you to be compatible such as shared values, mutual respect...but ultimately you just do know.

[JonnyG]

I think u just know. U feel it. I've only really had feelings for 2 people. 1 I didnt even had chance to go out with as she already had a bf. We met on holiday and spent the whole week together just enjoying ourselves. Really had a great time with her, just wished for more.

 

Second was my ex. Unfortunately she was a fair bit older than me and had a child. Not the best of circumstances and in all honesty, if we were still together today I would be concerned about her age. She was 8 1/2 years older than me. We were only together for like 7 weeks. And I didn't se her all that much as she was working and having to look after her daughter. We kept in touch by phone. Only went out with her like 5 times but we hgad a great time together. I think the age problem got to her as well, and she got back with her ex who was desperate for her . I still miss her 8 months later.

[Day_Walker]

There is no such thing as "the right one", it is simply a phrased used by people to convince themselves that they belong with this person or that person. The truth is that you make a person "the right one", which is based on your needs at the moment. Some people feel that the need some sort of higher confirmation other than their own decision to be with a certain person hence why we have phrases such as "meant to be, the right one and so forth. The truth is that love cannot make a person be with you, having their kid cannot make them stay, the only thing that can make them stay is their own desire to stay.

[fallen]

I agree with the other posters -- it's hard to explain, but you just know because of the strength of the compatibility. I thought I was in love with my ex, and perhaps I was for a while, but I noticed certain things were lacking in his personality and I just wanted to date other people. Through dating you find out what you'd like in a potential mate, and I think when you find that person it's like instant chemistry. It can develop more, but there has to be that initial attraction, whether physical or emotional or both at first.

 

To be honest I wasn't very physically attracted to my ex at all. But we had a lot in common & it worked out. My sister made fun of him all the time saying he wasn't good enough in the looks dept. though, and I shrugged it aside. But I think it had to do with it a little..even subconsciously. Our sex life wasn't that great for one..but we made up for it in other areas.

 

In any case, there's another crush I have now, who I've posted relentlessly about that I've tried to get over, but it's so difficult because of our compatibility. I don't think it was 'love at first sight' per se, but instant attraction. We could talk for hours, and there was both emotional, intellectual & physical chemistry. It's very difficult to find that in a person, but when you do it's hard to forget..

 

Well hope that helped..personally I think you know chemistry/attraction instantly, although love is developed. You can have lust at first, but love takes a deeper commitment, you can't know from the get-go it's going to last until you've dated for a while.

 

Just my 0.02.

 

- fallen

[mahlina]

Good Question. When you meet the right person, you just know. But sometimes, when you think that you met the right person, you're fooled. It happened to me once. The only person who I ever felt as though was truly the right person for me, met all of the requirements: emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual attraction. In terms of values/background, we matched up pretty well.

 

I used to be one to preach about how looks shouldn't matter, but it's the person's heart that counts. Well. That was deceiving too! The other person who came close to being the one, I was never attracted to him physically in the first place. Slowly, as I got to know him, my physical attraction for him grew stronger. But when he lied, cheated, and did other things that made me mistrust him, I lost all of my physical attraction for him.

 

So, with the right person, we also should be able to feel that physical chemistry with them too. We all have our own preferences. We should at least find that person attractive in our own way. Otherwise, we are just lying to ourselves. But, physical attraction isn't everything. I also believe that the right person compliments us by sharing the same values/goals. They don't necessarily have to share the same personality.

 

In fact, that's where I think that oppossites attract. When two people have oppossite personalities, it's as though they fit like hand in glove. They should at least share the same values/background. That's how they compliment each other. When two people share the same values, they grow together, not apart. And lastly, chemistry is either there or it's not. That bond is truly hard to find.

[Double J]

Nice replies.. But here's another scenario: What if you meet someone that you instantly click with - the physical/mental/emotional attraction is there, but, that person already has a b/f or g/f. Does that mean the person isn't for you? You might then say "if it's meant to be, you'll have that person eventually," but that's getting into the whole fate thing which is a different subject.

[mahlina]

Another great question. In fact, I was about to post up a topic like that they other day. If we feel that chemistry, then why isn't it our fate to be with them, right? I'm stuck in the same scenario, always looking back, and thinking, 'what if.'

 

I'm stumped with that question actually. I think that there are different possible people who can be the 'right one,' but there is just this one special person who just compliments us in so many ways. Sometimes, I think that it has a lot to do with what we make of fate. That person who I thought was right for me, we were both shy around each other. Didn't know that he liked me, until after I was with my ex. Things happened, and we grew apart. Now, he's taken. I respect his relationship, and only wish the best for him. As long as he's happy, then I'm happy for him. If we were truly meant to be, then why didn't we end up together? You know what? I think that fate can be pretty screwy sometimes. Oh well..

 

But like Day_Walker says, we also choose the other person to be 'right' for us. This is so very true. Even though I didn't share that same chemistry with my ex, compared to the one that I shared with the other guy, I still found ways of loving my ex, and making him more important than that person who I thought was the one. I gave him my all. But, we didn't work out either. He messed around. I just couldn't trust him afterwards. Life sucks!

[Double J]

Great input, Mahlina. Relationships are definitely complex and full of "if's and buts." Feelings change, people change. We could be with someone one minute, everything great, and a few days later they want to move on. You just never know what's going to happen in a relationship. Sometimes being convinced that a person is "the one" is not enough - we just WANT TO believe that because everything to that point has gone so smoothly.

 

I think you can be compatible with several people in this world. If you're with someone and you have feelings of doubt about that person, maybe you should be weary of that. It's just hard to find one person you can be very compatible with on all levels. Many times you'll find someone who has a wonderful personality, but the looks don't appeal to you, or vice-versa. It'd be so much easier if you could custom make the exact person you want, but that isn't possible. People are always going to have traits you don't like, period. But I guess that's makes a relationship stronger - dealing with those differences.

[Double J]

Another thing I'd like to add. As hard as it may seem, it's best not be unrealistic in expecting certain things from that right person. If you feel comfortable with the person's personality, but they are not as tall or robust as you'd like, who cares? These are just superficial things. Or, if the looks are fine but they lack something - say a sense of humor - don't just give up because of that. Those things can be developed as you and the other person become more comfortable with each other.

[winkie]

Wow Double J you are very deep. In my opinion, it depends on the person. Everyones definition of love is different, thereforeeee everyone will fall in love in different ways. In my experience you have to be physically attracted to that person but that does not always have to do with looks. Someone that is smart can be a turn-on among other things. You have to have chemistry and when you find it you will just know. It is kind of like a lightbulb above your head that just goes on. However, you cannot analyze every girl you are with for "is this the one?" That will drive you crazy. Are you a Scorpio??

 

Winkie

[Double J]

Pisces, why? Lol.

[RayKay]

I agree you can be compatible with many people..more so at different points in your life, and that if something does not work out with one person, the chances we will be alone forever are pretty darn slim.

 

However, having said that, I think there are a smaller number of people that we can grow with through our lives...whom we are compatible with for more than a moment in time or a stage in our life. These are "the ones" and we may have a few of those as well, but we may never meet all of them of course. Someone is "the one" when you are not wondering what else is out there, and accepting that while there may be another "one" out there, that you choose THIS "one". It does not have anything to do with them being perfect...it is about you accepting and embracing their flaws too. They are perfect for YOU.

 

I think it is way beyond being convinced...it is just a realization that is scary and awesome all at the same time. Let me tell you a story. When I was 17, I met this guy while I was in boot camp. He was not the most physically attractive person and was definitely not my usual type for looks, but I was immediately drawn to him. He almost seemed to glow and had this aura and you could almost see how big his heart was, and how beautiful he was inside. And I knew the first time I ever talked to him that he was someone that I would fall hard for. But I was not ready for that at all. We were friends through that summer, and hung out, and he actually moved to my city for school (he was doing that prior to ever meeting me or anything though) and so we stayed friends. I dated around, I dated a LOT, but never him...though we always had something amazing, and I always knew I would fall hard for him and that was the very reason I did not get involved..I was not ready. Finally, about 8 months after we met, he called me while he was back at home for Christmas and asked me to go out with him for coffee when he came back to town. He picked me up when he came back in late that night, and we were inseperable from that day on until he unfortunately passed away 5 years later. I believe he was one of my soulmates, and never knew if I could get that feeling again. But, the guy I just started dating now, I had/have the same feeling, though we are both trying to just go reallllly slow. But I can't deny there is something there that I cannot yet explain. A KNOWING that is just scary and exciting all at once...and it makes me nervous...and the thing is I am never really like that around men, except for that previous time. And I am hoping that once again my heart, gut and instincts are leading me the right way, because if my feelings are repeated (the knowing) then I think this could be great...but at same time I am also much more jaded than I was before, and much more scared...so who knows.

[mahlina]

delete-personal reasons.

[fallen]

Hey mahlina,

 

I know what you mean..I've had some pretty weird coincidences happen as well. (Perhaps not as weird as yours though; although something I dreamed would happen did come true..I don't read too much into that though..) But anyways, I was also thinking about DoubleJ's question yesterday; that is what if you two are meant to be but because one is already in a relationship it won't work out..

 

I think in that case then, he will eventually realize that his gf isn't as good a match or his gf really is as good as match and you just can't see it. I've thought about that too because I've talked with my crush's gf, and I feel like we're a better match, but I don't know the history of their relationship, and I don't know how deep their chemistry is either. Perhaps their attraction is just as strong or more, but just in a different way. I feel like we can connect on a deep (perhaps deeper) level, but maybe that's not what he wants in a relationship (or right now anyways.) Maybe he's genuinely happy with her and that's all he wants right now. I don't know what happens when I'm gone and they're alone..

 

So ultimately it's a hard question to ask, but you'll meet someone who's better for you eventually if it doesn't work out. Everyone has their preferences at different times..and that's what makes things work. =)

 

Take care,

 

fallen

[mahlina]

He picked me up when he came back in late that night, and we were inseperable from that day on until he unfortunately passed away 5 years later. I believe he was one of my soulmates, and never knew if I could get that feeling again.

I'm so speechless. Sorry that had to happen to you. Wow. What a hearthache. I can't believe it. That's why, I always question why and if we should say things before it's too late. Maybe if we made one move, then perhaps a twist of fate would help to bring us together, and prevent these tragic situations from happening? But if we don't, then that's where we live to only regret not saying what we should've said?

 

There's only a few people who we can love in life. The guy who I thought was the one, had lots of flaws. But, that's what made me fall in love with him. The right person doesn't necessarily have to be perfect. It's the imperfections that draw us to love them even more. Anyway, thanks for sharing that story with us RayKay. It really makes me think about how mysterious fate is sometimes.

[RayKay]

That's why, I always question why and if we should say things before it's too late. Maybe if we made one move, then perhaps a twist of fate would help to bring us together, and prevent these tragic situations from happening? But if we don't, then that's where we live to only regret not saying what we should've said?

 

There's only a few people who we can love in life. The guy who I thought was the one, had lots of flaws. But, that's what made me fall in love with him. The right person doesn't necessarily have to be perfect. It's the imperfections that draw us to love them even more. Anyway, thanks for sharing that story with us RayKay. It really makes me think about how mysterious fate is sometimes.

 

What you said in your first paragraph is something that I do really take to heart in my life - to always make sure the people we care about know we care. I am not always perfect in this (I still have fights with family and friends of course!) but I do ensure to always make sure they know they are loved because you never know...you really don't. I have a poem framed by my front door that talks about how we should always say I love you, and leave our loved ones with a hug and kiss, lest that is the last time and I read it regularly and I leave it there so others who are over can read it too.

 

My last ex...the breakup was very hard on me. A lot of people on this site advised I go NC and not talk to him...and could not understand how I still valued a friendship with him even if we were no longer together but a lot of it is because of that past experience with my late partner. There are times we do not have a choice as to whether the people we love can be in our lives, so when there is a choice, I choose to continue to have them, even if it is not in the same form I had initially wanted. You will find a new relationship, but you will not find a person just like that again...or in other words...people are not replaceable.

 

And thanks for your comments. It was a terrible, very unexpected experience, but it did make me grow stronger, and I will always value the 5 years I did have, and that he had those as well - it was more than many people ever experience. And I would not change that for anything....I shall always believe he was my angel here on earth, just as he is now watching over me.

[mahlina]

Aaww..Yeah, you will never know what life will throw at you. One minute, your loved one is alive, next minute, they're gone. Just gone. It's sad, but that's life...sadly. I try to let the people who I love in my life, know that I care. And, it's funny how whenever I go to Christmas masses, we end up meeting each other in the hallway, just to say hi, and catch up on things. Sometimes, I don't say anything, but just hi, and leave.

 

Fallen, good point too. I guess it's just best the we move on and not look back. Time is ticking, and we can't waste it on regrets. It's just not realistic. Sometimes, I worry about the fact that if/when I finish my career, if I'll end up marrying the wrong person. In which I don't want that to happen, and if it means that I should have to stay single forever, then I would. I just don't want that to be my own damnation, my own hell.

 

I think that as we get older, it just seems so endless. It's almost as if when we're so young, we most likely meet our soulmates, because that's when we're innocent and don't have a care in the world. We're ourselves, and are more open. We're not scared and jaded as we are, after running into too many heartaches. Don't know what to do, other than to move forward, and not ever look back...

[sasha12]

ok I'm gonna sound like a dork! But i feel that you don't really know at first....you just kinda have to take that chance. and in time you get to know each other better. start to enjoy each other company and you feel lost without him. You can't wait to see him you can't wait to be with him.. It's just all good!

[MrLonely]

I thought i had the one...but she left me.

 

So - I'm guessing the "one" just doesn't run off suddenly.

[gunblade]

You never really know when youve met the one, I've known way too many people who've been in a relationship, which they said was "the one", and all too many times, they ended up breaking up.. Nothing is sure in this world, especially not love.

 

 

gunblade

[RayKay]

I think that as we get older, it just seems so endless. It's almost as if when we're so young, we most likely meet our soulmates, because that's when we're innocent and don't have a care in the world. We're ourselves, and are more open. We're not scared and jaded as we are, after running into too many heartaches. Don't know what to do, other than to move forward, and not ever look back...

 

Mahlina....I do think as we are older we are definitely more jaded (one of the walking wounded) but the truth is I think as we mature and have those experiences, we are actually more likely to truly know the one when we meet them. When you are young honestly everyone seems like they can be the one as they are all new, and its all lustful..but as you know you cannot love another until you love and know yourself and when you are young...I don't think you are there yet. You think you are, but as anyone can attest that has gone through it...you grow a lot from your younger years. So, despite the pain of heartaches past, and the fear of the future, the one is more likely to BE recognized by us because of those experiences. We know that the one is not perfect, and don't expect them to be...we know who we are, what we need, what we deserve...and thereforeeee are more likely to recognize the one when they cross our path.

 

So hang in there, the universe always has someone wonderful for us in our path, just keep your eyes open and don't look backwards

[mahlina]

Thank you RayKay for the feedback...Actually, I went through a lot in the past, especially during my childhood. I had to grow up a lot faster than I wished I had to. That's why I was always consistent in my taste in men. All of the guys that I dated were always older than me, because I just bond more with them for that reason. I had my fair share of lots of experiences in life, both good/bad. Although some people who know me in person, think that I'm naiive, they don't know that I am not. Deep down inside, I have a good way of covering things up. That's why, whenever I meet liars, they think that they can get away with taking advantage of me, but I don't let them. In my heart, I always knew who I was, and what I wanted. I wasn't ever attracted to bad boys. I could usually smell one when I see one. It's just the immaturity that I sense in them that turns me off.

 

Gunblade also made a pretty good point as well. There are just no guarantees in life. What we think is right for us, may be wrong. It's just all a matter of gambling. I only think about that person once in a while, when I'm not in a relationship. But when I'm with someone, he's the last person that's on my mind. For that reason, a part of me feels like, maybe it was just all an infatuation, and he probably wasn't the one for me after all. Oh well.. it doesn't matter. All that matters now, is that we are both happy in our own lives. It doesn't matter if we could've been together or not. I was always one to believe that if someone truly loves you, then they will find you. Life's too complicated. But, that's what I see so far...Thanks again Double J, for letting me vent!