This makes no sense, or does it?

[Scoe141]

I've been talking to this girl for about 3 months now. She lives several hours away. We talked just about every night, for 1-2+ hours. Never a dull conversation. Over the past several weeks I've been uncertain about her feelings. However due events in her life, I thought she was just busy. (She had been traveling quite a bit and was busy at work, so I let it go.)

 

About a month ago, before she left on a trip we both agreed that we wanted to be officially dating. We never had the conversation because I knew she was going to be busy for a few weeks and figured it could wait.

 

While on her first trip she e-mailed saying how she missed me, thought of me everyday and wished I was there, and couldn't wait to come visit me (for the first time.) Nothing out of the ordinary.

 

On her second trip (with family) things got sporadic. I chalked it up as her just being busy, so I gave her space. But something didn't feel right... We planned on getting together as she said she wanted to visit asap and that she missed me etc.

 

So I visited her this past weekend, when she finally returned home. Things seemed fine and I told her I wanted be official. She told me that she was reluctant and that she was scared of the distance. I told her I respected that and would give her space and we would take things slow. She seemed to like that, however was worried that I was going to end things. (Which I didn't, and further confirmed her commitment to pursuing a relationship.)

 

When I left Tuesday everything seemed OK.....

 

Thursday night we talked and she said she couldn't be in a relationship with me. She was crying and was really upset. She said, she wasn't sure if it was distance, or that "something" was missing from our relationship, or that she felt she couldn't be in a relationship with anyone at this point. (meaning she couldn't emotionally give herself to anyone, not just me.) I asked her if we were closer if she would be willing to date and she said yes. She also said she might be scared to get close to me and her strong feelings could be scaring her off. However, she's dated before (no LDR) and never had any uncertainty about the guy she was dating. But didn't know what was off with us. She also told me (about a month ago) that I was not like any of the guys she's dated before. And that she was glad we were talking.

 

Also, she told me that since we first met, she didn't feel 100% certain about us. (We met online.) Then about 1 month into chatting, she had me meet her parents (which I thought was a solid gesture and confirmation she really liked me!) She also had me meet her co-workers this past Monday. HOWEVER, she told me Thursday night, that those visits were to see if they could confirm our compatibility and see if they could ascertain what she feeling uncertain about. (In regards to that "thing" that was missing.)

 

What I don't understand is, on Tuesday, the day I left, she mailed me a card talking about what a good time we had, that she was glad she was getting back into her daily routine, and what a great guy I am and all of this sweet stuff. NOTHING in it made me believe she wasn't interested... She also ended with "see you soon". (I got this card today.)

 

At the end of our phone call on Thursday, I told her I couldn't have any contact with her, as I needed time to "get over her" and we haven't spoken since.

 

Does this make any sense? Im sorry it's so long. Im just really confused. We haven't spoke and I have no intentions to. Receiving the card today stirred up a lot of emotions and confusion. From day one, I felt like we were both "going with the flow" and that our feelings were reciprocated.

 

Thanks for any help.

[sharky988]

It sounds like she's trying to be nice and soften the blow with the things she's telling you. I wouldn't read into anything she's saying at this point. Much better to keep the bigger picture in mind -- that she's decided for whatever reasons to end the relationship.

 

You're wise to stick to NC for now. Just try and process this and work on feeling better. It's a shock -- but it's still better that she's ending it with you now rather than several more months down the line.

[Scoe141]

Thanks Sharky... that's what my gut is telling me. Her actions and the way she worded things were inline with what you said. If she does contact me and wanted to revisit things, I'd be reluctant to. It would be very difficult to trust her, especially via LDR... ya know?

[sharky988]

I know -- LDRs are so tricky anyway, you absolutely need to really trust the person you're seeing!

 

It wasn't very nice of her to disrespect your boundary and send that card after you had asked for No Contact. When she contacts you again (and I think she will) I'd just hold firm to that position. She's probably assuming you'll be around for as much or as little contact as is helpful for HER in getting over the breakup!

[Scoe141]

Im sorry I should have clarified.... she sent the card on Tuesday... the day I left from visiting her. Then she called me on Thursday to end things. If you read the card (which I received today) you would be surprised. It was sweet, funny and really endearing. "See you soon, Jenn" (which isn't her name) Then for her to call me two days later to end things, just doesn't make sense. Im sorry it's just frustrating to think about... You're right, I need to stick to the NC.

 

Anyone taking bets if she'll contact me?? (I guess you need to laugh about it sometimes...)

[rollingalong]

I think she probably felt like something was lacking. She probably liked you had built up emotions from the frequent communication, but when you were together, it might not have felt right. She probably was trying to be nice with the card because you put forth the effort to see her.

 

She may or may not. Since you told her you didn't want her to contact you, she may respect that, especially since she initiated the break up.

[Scoe141]

I think she probably felt like something was lacking. She probably liked you had built up emotions from the frequent communication, but when you were together, it might not have felt right. She probably was trying to be nice with the card because you put forth the effort to see her.

 

She may or may not. Since you told her you didn't want her to contact you, she may respect that, especially since she initiated the break up.

 

Thanks for checking out the thread and helping me out. (Reciprocation can be ironic!) Anyway, I agree with you. I've just been analyzing things and haven't been able to pinpoint anything specific. (Obviously it's been been bugging, which is why I reached to ENA seek some answers!)

 

Yea, I just don't get why she was crying a lot while breaking it off. Maybe she felt horrible. I can't sit here and try to figure it out, it'll just drive me nuts. Regardless, I'm still not going to contact her. Thanks Rollingalong!

[rollingalong]

Yeah, I'm constantly analyzing as well. It's so annoying! I wish i could just forget it. I was doing ok a week ago, and then bad again because it's been almost a month and I feel I may not hear from him anytime soon.

 

I think the crying was because she might've felt something, but then she might've felt something was off. It's probably not that she didn't like you. Maybe she was hurt in the past and wants to be 100% sure or close to it, before pursuing things further with anyone. I feel like that's how I'm going to be after this.

[Scoe141]

haha... yea, I've been trying to take my own advice and "turn the channel". It seems to be working. I'm really fortunate that we only knew each other for 3 months.

 

Try not to analyze things. I know it's easier said than done, but some things you just can't figure out. And to be quite honest, it's not worth the stress. I would seriously thank him for not contacting you this month. Shoot, he's doing you a huuuuge favor. Believe me!

 

I think what drove me nuts was the fact she never gave me any indication that she wasn't interested. Shoot, even a card she sent me two days before breaking things off, ended with "see you soon." No you wont! You'll probably never see me again! haha... Maybe I'm fortunate that she ended things and I won't have to deal with all that wishy washyness. Although it could have just been the our relationship, and not her personality.

[Ms Darcy]

Three months is around the time you really figure out if you want to pursue something with someone like a probationary period. Glad you know this now.

[Scoe141]

Three months is around the time you really figure out if you want to pursue something with someone like a probationary period. Glad you know this now.

 

Good point. Thanks for the support!

[rollingalong]

Yeah, I know I should see his NC as a positive thing so I can heal from this. I'm sure if we were still contacting eachother I would be upset and resentful, but because there has been NC or reaching out on his part, I feel like it was all a lie. It hurts because it makes me think he didn't care about me at all. How could he say all he said and walk away as if I meant nothing. After all I did to be closer to him. I've always been so cautious and smart about things, and I feel like I lost that in this relationship. Like I can't believe I moved here to be closer to him, eventhough I had nothing going on at home, he should've been the one to move. I fell for his lies.

 

I bet that can be confusing. Maybe she wasn't being open with you and was trying to see if her feelings would change. She probably was building up feelings, but realized it wasn't right for her, and had to end it. It could've also been the distance and other things in her life that made it difficult for her to be in a relationship right now??