update

[Phoenix Down]

Well, it's been over 4 months sense the brake up. Things are looking better. We went through a phase of no contact but we're talking now via email. I'm not sure where things are going yet, but it seems to be in a good direction. I'm afraid to be too happy tho. Not that I'm not, I am. It's just my heart will only let me smile so much in fear that all is not what it seems. I'd love for things to work out. But I have no control. I was just wondering if any one else is in the same boat I'm in. And if this is normal to feel almost apathetic at times. Not really twards her, just about everything in general. Theres no telling what she has in mind so I feel I have to be in a netural state. Am I doing the right thing?

Thanks,

Deja

[Sadboy75]

I am in exactly the same boat as you I suppose! Went through a period of no-contact so much so she never wanted to speak to me ever again! I did all the beggin and pleading at the beginning and then she shut me down - understandably so as she had to deal with things.

 

Then it moved to e-mail contact, albeit, rarely months later and now it is more regular (after 5 months). Like you that is where it is at.... and it is hard to move on and be happy all the time as, in the back of your mind, you think that it may lead to something amid an array of other thoughts! It is a confusing stage to be at - I agree!

 

What I did... once I had reached a stage of comfort from her (ie she aint going to shut me down) I made an effort to ask her out for a drink which she has accepted only the other day.... so we have set up a brief time (1.5 hours) in order to have a meal and say hi to eachother...

 

Perhaps you should try this too! Ask her for a drink before Christmas perhaps if you feel comfortable doing so... if she agrees then all you have to do is turn up, look good, act happy, dont talk about 'us' issues and simply enjoy the time... ensure you dont drag it on and pretend you have to head off elsewhere... make it short and sweet! Let her know this beore the night as she may anticipate a long evening.... just give her a snippet of the true you.. the you she fell in love with!

 

Good luck

[Day_Walker]

the best thing to do is realize that it might not work out, so dont get your hopes up. Other than that you need to keep moving forward.

[Phoenix Down]

She broke N/C to ask me if I wanted to catch a movie sometime. Ever sense then we've been in touch through email. We work and go to school a lot so we haven't made time yet, but we keep trying. I have to go out of town, or we'd be doing something this weekend. I hope our busy lives

dont get in the way. We're both about to move, strangly eoungh, we're both moving closer to each other, maybe that will help.

[shockeddismayed]

PD,

 

I've given you advice before, and I don't change that advice.

 

I think you are right, it is a very confusing time for you. It may continue to be for a while. You need to find a way to remove yourself from the negative effects of that confusion.

 

When I was at this stage, I got some sagely advice from my father (a retired english teacher). He read to me some writing that described being at peace. The metaphor was of a man standing at the centre of a wheel... all around him the spokes of that wheel represented different ways that he could affect change on the world, and different problems that faced him. But the wheel seemed to be spinning out of control, so the man was unable to take step onto any one spoke without spiralling out of control. The more he pushed, the more out of control he got. But with time, the man imagined the place on which he was standing, as he imagined the spinning spokes turning into the spinning hub, the spinning hub turning into the spinning axel, and the spinning axel becoming the molecules of metal on which he stood he began to realize that at one point, there was perhaps only a single electron that was silent and still.... around it everything else was in motion, but it was at peace. When he found that place, the man realized that to be at peace meant to understand what he could not change around him, and focus on what he could... his own sense of joy/peace/enlightenment despite the turmoils and trials of the world around him.

 

Long way of saying this: Just because you are realizing there are things that are out of your control, should not make you feel apathetic about everything. Apathy implies that you have given up your own internal peace, and adopted the pain and confusion that exists around you. Those stresses are NOT you... they are OUTSIDE. You can recognize your own weakness compared to (God, Allah, the Cosmos, Fate, your choice) and that there are things you cannot control without accepting total apathy and/or unhappiness into your heart.

 

Keep focussing on only the things that you can control. Your music, your happiness, your daily routine, and let the rest fall into place with time.

 

Adopt your own untouchable attitude where she is concerned. Remind yourself daily that she is part of the external world, and that you will be happy with or without her, and pretty soon it will be true.

 

As for practical advice, once you feel some peace with the situation, you may be ready to go out for the movie.... although I think the idea of a coffee or a drink is better.... keep things short as was wisely suggested, and only allow her a taste of you.

 

You are going to be fine.

[Phoenix Down]

I cant say it enough, every time I post a problem, you always pull through It's like a foggy window I'm trying so hard to see through, and along you come with a simple swipe of your hand, and clear a space for me to see. I just wish it woulden't fog back up at times. With every post you respond to, I feel more and more confident to clear the fog from the window on my own.

I know that sounds retarded, but it's true man. you've been a great help. thanks again. Deja

[iceesnowbubble]

...It's like a foggy window I'm trying so hard to see through, and along you come with a simple swipe of your hand, and clear a space for me to see. I just wish it woulden't fog back up at times.

 

That's a really good analogy, i like that Deja.

[shockeddismayed]

PD,

 

Glad I can help. I know that I got so much great advice from this place, so I'm just doing my bit.

 

Keep your head up. And also remember:

 

YOU are in control of this process. If at any time you do not feel comfortable meeting up with her... if you feel even a hint that you would be giving more than you are ready, or are at risk of getting spiralled up in her tangled web, JUST SAY NO THANKS.

 

You can always take your own pace at this. You are allowed to say no to a meeting.... if you both choose to work this out, any one event is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, so don't feel pressured to act on something b/c it is your "only chance". If it were your only chance, then there was no chance to begin with.

 

This is what "going slowly" means.

 

Also.... DO NOT under any circumstances put your own recovery process on hold or on pause. You should be behaving ALWAYS as though she had never called. If you do this you end up feeling like you are "waiting". If it continues too long, then you may feel resentful... and that does nobody any good.

 

I tell you this now so that you won't forget it when the confusion builds.