Healthy actions and attitudes towards the ex...

[kate111]

I thought it might be useful to compile a list of advice for people who have been dumped or are recovering from a break up.

 

The aim of this is to provide to tips to maintain self confidence, pride and dignity and make you come out feeling ok in the end.

 

We can also share what we have learned the hard way

 

ACTIONS:

 

1. Do not call them.

2. Do not ask them what went wrong.

3. Only talk ill of them to your own close friends and on this board.

4. Get a new haircut/wardrobe/house/hobby.

5. Spend time rediscovering yourself.

6. If they contact you, tell them you are happy. Dont let them see your pain.

7. Go on dates.

8. Do not accept shreds of friendship or compromise on what you want from them. If you can accept friends then fine. If not do not even attempt it.

 

 

ATTITUDES TO TAKE:

 

3. Consider that if they dumped you they do not have feelings for you. They dumped you for a reason and it is best if you accet this fact now.

 

4. They dumped you not because you are crap but because they didnt have the capacity to appreciate your qualities fully.

 

5. Do not think that they are the ONLY person you can love. You may not realise it now but there are others out there that you can and will love.

 

6. Do not give up on love or get a negative attitude towards relationships. You will find someone else.

 

7. Do learn from the relationship and try to understand what went wrong and how you can make this better in the future.

 

8. Forgive your ex. This is a hard one. But try to learn to forgive so that you can move on.

 

Any more tips or criticisms?

[marolua]

And THOUGHTS are also important, I mean the way in which you recall your ex from your memory is in your hands and you can actually change it, whenever you want..

Here are some tips,

1. Be aware that s/he is just a person, and it is YOU that adds adjectives such as: "sweet", "clever", "my only love" and so on. Take off all the adjectives that you yourself have thought them to be, than you will see that this "I miss my ex" thing is just a second away from an obsession.

2.Know that s/he is not a better person than you are

3. S/he might also miss you as much as you are,but this is not important as much as you might think it is.

These are advices that have worked for me, so I hope they would work for any of you..

[cassiana]

I have everything nailed except action 8 which I'm will have nailed in a week or two and attitude 3 which I don't believe is always the case. Not a bad score thought.

[stomacstress]

I took the liberty to change your lists. Also, as the dumper, I disagree with the attitude saying that the dumper has no feelings for the dumpee. I still have feelings (which are slowly going away) for my last ex-gf. There are other reasons why I dumped her.

 

ACTIONS:

1. Do not call the ex.

2. If you meet or talk, stay civil with the ex but do not bring up the past, "us" and whatever happened before the break up.

3. Do not talk ill of the ex except, if needed, to your own close friends and on this board.

4. Get a new haircut/wardrobe/house/hobby, throw away stuff you don't need.

5. Spend time rediscovering yourself. Enjoy the hobbies you enjoyed before the ex came into your life.

6. If the ex contacts you, tell the ex you are happy. Dont let the ex see your pain.

7. Go on dates after you accept the attitudes to take.

8. Do not accept shreds of friendship or compromise on what you want from the ex. If you can accept friendship, that's fine. If not, do not even attempt it.

 

ATTITUDES TO TAKE:

1. Consider that the ex dumped you for a reason (which you may agree to or not, it doesn't matter) and it is best if you accept this fact now.

2. The ex dumped you because the ex was not the right person to appreciate your qualities fully.

3. The ex is not the ONLY person you can love. You may not realise it now but there are others out there that you can and will love.

4. Do not give up on love or get a negative attitude towards relationships. You will find someone else.

5. Do learn from the relationship and try to understand what went wrong and how you can make this better in the future. This will define the new you: a better, more prepared person. Then leave the relationship with the ex: in the past.

6. Forgive your ex. This is a hard one. But try to learn to forgive so that you can move on.

 

TIPS ON HOW TO REMEMBER THE EX:

1. The way in which you recall your ex from your memory is in your hands. This is why you can get over the ex.

2. Be aware that the ex is just a person, and it is YOU that adds adjectives such as: "sweet", "clever", "my only love" and so on. Take off all the adjectives that you yourself have thought the ex to be, then you will see that this "I miss my ex" thing is just a second away from an obsession.

3. Know that the ex is not a better person than you are. The ex is just another person.

4. The ex might also miss you as much as you miss the ex, but this is not important as much as you might think it is.

 

I am doing well except for actions 5, 6, 7 and 8 - but I'm working on it.

[kate111]

Regarding the point of contention over whether the dumper still has feelings for the ex. I agree that it is possible and in fact likely that the dumper retains feelings for their ex.

 

But regardless of this fact it is not healthy for the dumped person to think about this.

 

Let me defend my position:

 

The dumpee should not focus on whether the ex has feelings for them. It is better for the dumpee to consider that their ex has no feelings for them. Then it makes things easier for them to try to get on with their life. Otherwise (if they do think the ex has feelings) they will not be able to get the ex off their mind. They will be more likely to cave and call the ex or try to manipulate the ex through feelings of guilt. Both of these things are not good for the dumped person to do.

 

Better for dumped party to just assume that there is no feeling. They were dumped, after all. The only response to being dumped, as far as i can see, is to turn your back and move on. What else can you do?

 

In other words, you must tell yourself that the ex has no feelings for you (a possible white lie) in order to make progress towards healing yourself and recovering from the break up

[stomacstress]

kate111,

if my ex-gf had followed your advice when I dumped her and 'turn her back and move on,' it would have been better for both of us. But instead she kept begging and I kept telling her to stop contacting me. That caused more pain for both of us (well, at least more pain for me... she wasn't letting me see her pain).

So I agree with you as far as the attitude one should take: Tell yourself that the ex has no feelings for you in order to recover from the breakup.

Still I have a big problem of telling myself a possible white lie. I prefer to think that my ex's feelings don't matter to me since we are not together.

[cassiana]

My ex thanks me for my emails. What do you make of that?

If he wants rid of me he should keep up the cold front.

If he wants me bakc he shoudl ask me out.

[kate111]

Stomacstress,

 

I find it ok to tell myself white lies but the technique of telling yourself that is doesnt matter if they have feelings for you is also excellent. The essential point is that you dont dwell on thinking about what your ex is doing or Try to manipulate the feelings that you think they still harbour for you etc.

 

Cassiana,

 

The reason that your ex thanks you for your emails is because your ex feels guilty. The dumper usually feels guilty and even sometimes feels sorry for the dumpee. Hence in your case the ex thanks you because they feel guilty and dont want to be unkind.

 

If the ex wanted you back they would let you know.

[herewegoagain]

Kate111 - You said that if the ex wants you back, they will let you know. Well, I'm not so sure. For example, I think my ex feels that if she ever wanted me back (which she doesn't, because she has a new bf) that I never would take her back, especially after all that happened - She dumped me and IMMEDIATELY went to a new man, very cold and mean to me, etc....

 

In other words, some dumpers may feel like they have no chance on getting one back, so they never tell the dumpee because they do not want to take the possible rejection.

[gersanos]

Now, let's say the dumper is just flat out mean and does not care or treat the dumpee nice post-break-up? I've done that before when I was younger, not because I did not want to lead them on, but because I was a an immature jerk. Regardless is if's a guy or girl that is the dumper, is that not to lead on or just someone that is a jerk?

[cassiana]

If I've ever been mean to an ex it was because I was a coward. Too afraid to reject them properly. Too afraid to hurt their feelings. I have exs who contact me that I have dumped and I always reply. However I never instigate contact because I don't want to lead them on. I could go two weeks without contacting the ex who dumped me but then he will send me an email. So is that guilt and just trying to be nice?

[trentrez]

Cass, I'm in a similar situation, with the emailing, and very confused,

 

link removed

 

What do u think?

[cassiana]

I have had a look and given my thoughts. Do you have any thoughts on my predicament?