Love and Family

[607rst]

I met my ex husband at 16 yrs old, we spent 15 years together and had kids, 9 and 6. He is an amazing father, but as a husband things werent always roses. We were best friends, he was my only real friend, i loved him with everything i had. He was very untrusting and therefore in order to keep peace i did not have friends and only spent time with him and his friends wives. I have a very public job and would get the third degree if someone of the opposite sex said hi to me in the store. After so long together the sex life started to fade a bit and it became a regular occurrence that he would tell me how i wasnt giving him all of me in sex and it basically wasnt good enough. the repeated statments made me more and more uninterested in any sex life and i got to the point where i felt as if sex was an aweful chore. Becuase of this the fighting got worse and worse and eventually i had it and said i wanted to split. This was over 2 years ago. Since that time, i have endured hateful, threatening, mean spirited texts for 2 years every couple days. I shortly after the break up met a man i have fallen deeply in love with. The man i fell in love with is the opposite, he would never say a bad word to me, he is not jeaslous, extrmemly level headed. Sometimes to much, where is hard to get empathy, and doesnt see the importance in feelings, although he does love me deeply as well. I visualize a perfect life with him except he refuses to be near my kids which means we only see each other a couple hours a night 3 days a week. and he has never met my family. During our 2 years ive tried to talk to him about it and he refuses to discuss it. My ex husband has verbalized constantly that no one is to be arounf his kids, or i would not be surprised if he took them and took off. So heres the next issue. i want a family more than anything but my boyfriend refuses to even be in the house when my kids are home, and my ex husband has verbalized he will not allow anyone to be near my kids. so what do i do? Accept that i will have my boyfriend that i love but he wont be there for me, or do i take my ex husband back, cause thats what he wants, although i miss the family and not having to share time with my kids, the idea of kissing him would make me want to jump off a cliff. do i find a way to be ok with it for the family life and my kids.

[shellyf62]

You havent been on your own since you were 16. From the sound of your post you went from your controlling abusive husband to a new guy. Where was your healing time, and time to find yourself?

It is great that the new guy isnt abusive to you, but he isnt showing you emotional support either.

I was divorced 14 years ago, and decided to dedicate my time to bringing up my kids. I spent five years healing after my breakup & devoting myself to the kids. Yes it got lonely and it was hard, but it really was the best thing for all of us.

Dont what ever you do take your ex back. He sounds like a monster. But to be honest, the new guy doesnt sound too great either.

Maybe you need to just be alone for a while, get everything settled & healed, and then find someone who wants to be with you & eventually your kids. Hopefully by then your Ex will have calmed down too.

Good luck

[JJ2980]

What makes you think you have to be with either one? The ex-hubby has been verbally abusive and the new bf is seriously dead weight. You should've got out of this newer relationship as soon as he didn't accept your kids. Why would you tolerate someone who can't tolerate them? I say that as someone who hasn't got any myself and its so wrong. Maybe you need space from them both

[Sparklesong]

I agree completely with what shelly and JJ above me have already posted, so I won't repeat any of that.

 

Addressing the new guy as if it was the right thing to do, though I'm not sure it is.....I see two reasons he refuses to meet your kids. One, he may just be wise enough to put off meeting them until he is sure you have a commitment because it's very hard on children to see men coming and going. It doesn't send a good message about mommy. I dated my second husband for almost two years before I let him meet my kids. Kids and boyfriends just shouldn't be together.

 

Two, he may be afraid of your ex-husband showing up, or even of the kids telling your ex that they met mommy's boyfriend (and they will), so he's refusing to meet them to protect all of you until you get all that mess straightened out.

 

I'd like to think it isn't simply that he hates kids.

 

Whatever you do, do not take the ex-husband back. That would be an insane thing to do....insane as in incredibly stupid, not as in crazy-good. And make sure you have a good lawyer and all your I's dotted and T's crossed with the legal system as far as child support and visitation rights and make sure he follows them to the letter. And if he violates ANY terms or anything that has been mandated legally that he is supposed to do or not do, file a police report IMMEDIATELY. No forgiveness or excuses in this area, ok? YOU have to protect yourself and your kids. Taking him back or landing a new boyfriend are not your only two options. It's time for YOU to take charge now.

[607rst]

Thanks for the feedback, i did not take him back, and im not sure what i was thinking. I have spent the last 2 days of hell with attacking texts, and him stating this is what i deserve for making that choice. And for the first time since the seperation, my kids saw it when he showed up yesterday demanding them and my daughter was petrified. She was afraid he was trying to take her forever but i was able to calm her. Thanks for the advice Sparklesong, i actually hired a lawyer last year and filed for the divorce but i didnt want anything from him. I actually gave him money to get settled in a new house, and requested no child support. He doesnt understand that i dont know to many women that would ask for no child support, no money of any kind. I let him see his kids every day, it might only be 2 hours sometimes but every day, and i have never involved the authorities or courts in anything that he has done to me, i have just dealt with it. Most women would have taken a different ruote and he would be paying out of his ass and have restraing orders and a new live in boyfriend. But i have been decent through all of it. As far as the new man in my life, i dint think he hates kids, he had a tough childhood and has a huge mental block. Although ive seen him around his nephews and he wouldnt admit it but is good with them and they love him. At this point i think i just need to continue to concentrate on me and my kids. And the new boyfriend and i will continue because we love each other deeply and even tho i may miss out on things, it will be best for my kids as well becuase if i left him and ended up in another relationship that was accepting of my kids at some point my ex would lose it and my kids dont need that.

[shellyf62]

Can I ask a personal question then? Why post on here if everything is going to stay exactly the same? What advice did you think you needed?

[607rst]

Your right shellyf62. In the end it did stay the same. I didn't take back a lunitic, and yes I was looking for reassurance that I was being crazy for considering it. I'm sorry I chose your site where no one knows who I am to do so. I'm not a strong woman, I spent 15 years being put in my place, and I'm away finally. I miss the idea of family like so greatly, enough that I would consider rekindling a abusive relationship (mostly verbally, but physically as well). But although this new boyfriend isn't a family guy, he loves me, you couldn't pay him to cheat on me and he would never raise his voice to me. Do you know how good that feels after what I lived through. I want a relationship like so many people get to have but I'm scared to let go of someone who is kind to me, to be alone or end up with someone else who mistreats me. I also should point out in your post you said you took time to raise your kids and be alone. That's great I'm assuming you look at it as you have a lifetime to date and meet someone after you raise your kids. I wish I could think that way. I don't have that. I'm 33 and last year was diagnosed with a rare hereditary disease my mom also has which will render me incapable of taking care of myself and eventually kill me and so at 33, I have approximately 20 good years if it starts at the same age as my mother. So I'm sorry if my posts didnt go the way you felt was proper, obviously your a stronger woman than I am.