starrynightz45 Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 I met this guy at grad school a year ago. We were friends only, until he asked for my number this May. On our 2nd date, he asked if I was just dating casually, or looking for a relationship. I said I was a relationship type of person. He said "yea, I just take a little while to get there and make up my mind about that sort of thing." I said I understood, and that we should go out and get to know one another because it was too early to know if we wanted a relationship anyways. We've been on a total of 5 dates now, which I thought all went well. We laughed/joked the entire time, had great conversation, and seemed to hit it off. He came off as a gentleman, and there was no sex involved - just making out/kissing etc. He even invited me over to his house, but promised beforehand that it wasn't for sex, and we really just watched movies and cuddled. We talked/texted daily. Today, he called me and said he wanted to talk to me. He said "I told you I needed some time to think about it. Well, I feel like if we keep going as we are, that what you want is a relationship and I don't know if I can commit to anything. I DO like you as more than a friend, and I really enjoying spending time with you, and I got you a birthday present (I had mentioned that my birthday was in 2 MONTHS), but I don't want to be selfish by leading you on and not giving you what you want." I was really shocked by the conversation since things seemed to be going well, so all I could muster up was to say "Ok. I just wish you had told me earlier. But ok. That's fine." Do you think this was just a nice way of saying "I don't want a relationship with YOU" or did he really mean that while he does like me, he doesn't want a relationship? I'm I'm curious about whether he was being genuine. And I'm also curious WHY a man would bother with texting/calling someone every single day and going on all these dates if they were going to both have feelings for the girl but not want a relationship? Note: We're both 24. Link to comment
markie6 Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Do you think this was just a nice way of saying "I don't want a relationship with YOU" Sadly the cynic / realist in me always sees it that way. Sounds like he is a dater , while you admitted to being a relationship type of person. So he is being honest and letting you know that he isn't wanting that. Regardless of his reasons , that we could only guess at... you don't have to take the cynical view I am always grateful when people tell you upfront that they aren't looking for a rs. It allows an insight into the future and you have to believe them when they say things like this. 5 dates... prognosis made and while he is open to dating you, having told him you are a rs type of person... he has already told you he isn't and is making sure you know that he isn't. I'd be grateful for that because this site is littered with thousands of stories of people who were deceitful, users who just wanted to have somebody around without giving any consideration to what the other person thought was going on. That's what I would take from this... he didn't want to lead you on , isn't wanting a rs. You might feel he just isn't wanting one with you and that could be true... but he was honest from the get go Link to comment
offplanet Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 It sounds like he did tell you as soon as he knew that he didn't want be in a relationship with you. Five dates seems like a reasonable time to take to find that out. I guess he did have feelings for you, but not enough. I don't see what else he could have done. It's disappointing but couldn't be helped. Link to comment
Guille Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Do you think this was just a nice way of saying "I don't want a relationship with YOU" or did he really mean that while he does like me, he doesn't want a relationship? I'm curious about whether he was being genuine. And I'm also curious WHY a man would bother with texting/calling someone every single day and going on all these dates if they were going to both have feelings for the girl but not want a relationship? Note: We're both 24. My guess is his not wanting to have a relationship is sincere -- it doesn't sound like he's saying that because he doesn't want a relationship with *you* in particular. My roommate (male) was in a similar position about half a year ago. He started dating a girl whom he really liked, but he felt trapped by the fact that he didn't want to have a relationship. His previous relationship had ended very poorly, so he was having many reservations about wanting to be in that position again. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 I have to commend him, as I'm sure he was being honest and genuine, and it clearly shows that getting in your pants only was not his intention. Link to comment
starrynightz45 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Share Posted June 19, 2013 My guess is his not wanting to have a relationship is sincere -- it doesn't sound like he's saying that because he doesn't want a relationship with *you* in particular. My roommate (male) was in a similar position about half a year ago. He started dating a girl whom he really liked, but he felt trapped by the fact that he didn't want to have a relationship. His previous relationship had ended very poorly, so he was having many reservations about wanting to be in that position again. I'm just confused by his behavior. Why buy me a birthday present for a birthday that is more than 2 months away, if you don't even know what you want with the person? Why even go on multiple dates with a person if you haven't even decided whether or not you're open to relationships in GENERAL. If he had said he didn't think we were compatible or something along those lines, then I'd be OK with that - 5 dates is a reasonable amount of time to figure that out. BUT he said he "does really like me as more than a friend and enjoys spending time with me." So this confuses me. I'm glad he told me earlier rather than later, but when he told me he needed time to decide, I thought he meant he needed time to decide if he wanted a relationship WITH ME, not time to decide whether he wanted a relationship in general. I think it's a little selfish of him to string me along/get my feelings involved while he tries to figure out if he's even ready for a girlfriend. It seems to me like he should at least have had his mind made up about his willingness to have a relationship with a woman in general, before continuing to date me, call/text me every single day, etc. We have been friends for over a year, and he really hurt my feelings and I don't think he understands that. Link to comment
starrynightz45 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Share Posted June 19, 2013 I have to commend him, as I'm sure he was being honest and genuine, and it clearly shows that getting in your pants only was not his intention. I guess I just don't know what to do now. He's having an art show on Saturday and said I should stop by. I don't think I should go, but if I don't, I don't know if I should send him a text saying good luck but I won't be able to make it. I don't want to come off as desperate after he basically turned me down. Link to comment
Slimpee Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 I guess I just don't know what to do now. He's having an art show on Saturday and said I should stop by. I don't think I should go, but if I don't, I don't know if I should send him a text saying good luck but I won't be able to make it. I don't want to come off as desperate after he basically turned me down. I wouldn't go if I were you. He told you that he doesn't want a relationship. If you continue to see him you will only continue to be confused and hurt. It's probably best to thank him for his honesty but that because you're not on the same page, it's probably best not to spend time together. Link to comment
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