How do I trust again?

[wish9080]

Hello all, I've been lurking around this forum and it's been so helpful to read other stories of people going through heartbreak and to know I'm not alone in this. This is my first time posting my story so here it is:

 

My ex broke up with me about a month ago out of the blue. Things were going really well between us, except for a conversation we had a week prior to the BU when he began questioning what it means to love someone. Things moved pretty quickly from the beginning. I wouldn't call them grand romantic gestures, but it did feel like something out of a romantic movie at times. He was the first one to bring up marriage early on when we first began dating. He seemed intent on marrying me and even took me ring shopping. He always talked about the proposal and how it would happen sometime within the year. He was constantly house shopping for our future home that we would live in after we got married. So when he broke up with me and told me he wasn't ready for marriage, I was shocked to say the least. He never let on that he had been having doubts. He assured me over and over again that it really wasn't me, it was him and he still needed a lot of time to mature and grow up. He is younger than me by three years so I did understand the maturity aspect of it, but he seemed ready for marriage and told me constantly how he couldn't wait to start a future with me and have children. He cried during the BU and said he still cares for me and that I'm an amazing woman. If I'm so amazing, why wasn't I good enough for him to marry me? I broke NC once one week later by emailing him and asking him for another chance to talk through this as I was still so confused. He ended up confessing that he felt obligated to be a good boyfriend to me and that every word and action he said was carefully thought out and planned to order for him to gain ground in this game and that it was just that, a game to him. How could he stay with me for a year if it was only a game? Then he said we may have a chance in the future but it would be a long time from now because he needs time. Is he just saying that to soften the blow after telling me it was all a game? Is there a chance at possibly reconciling in the future? I'm so confused and I feel like an idiot. What are some warning signs that a guy is just stringing you along for the ride? He was never hot/cold with me. He was always so loving and the only red flag I can think of would be moving kind of fast from the beginning. Since emailing him I've really been trying to move on and have been NC for about three weeks now but it's so hard. Not only did I lose him, but I lost an amazing family as well.

[savignon]

So sorry for your pain. I agree that moving fast is a red flag. He said it was a game? What the **** is that about? You deserve waaaaay better.

[VivianSmith]

Nothing about this adds up....

 

Maybe he thought if he talked of marriage you would see he was a "good" guy that wanted something serious with you and it would make you trust him enough to lay down your guard more and have sex with him faster ?

 

Maybe he he recently met someone he "clicked" with and as they say "people are only as faithful as their options" and so now that someone better came along you are history ?

 

I wonder how many other women his pulled that stunt on. He must be one of those guys that tell women what he thinks they want to hear and then when he gets bored of them he leaves.

 

One thing is for sure though, he doesn't seem to be in love with you which means whether you want to or not you'll have to move on. He didn't even attempt to contact you right ? The only reason you came into contact with him was because YOU had to call him right ?

 

Even if he wasn't ready for commitment, if he wanted you he would have just told you "it's too soon for marriage and I was rushing, but I still want to be with you and see where this leads" there wasn't any reason to break things off completely.... unless of course he grew bored and wanted out OR met someone else.

 

It's scary though because everything just happened out of the blue for you and you were left hanging.

 

Maybe there were other things you left out ? I mean a year seems kind of long to just be "playing" with you. That's about the most heartless thing anyone can do, getting someone to fall in love with you so that you can dump them... ouch. I was in a relationship with someone who treated me horribly, but he was consistent and was at least an a's'shole the whole time we saw each other so it made it easier to leave him, but this guy is a whole new type of ***** !

[wish9080]

I know, it just doesn't add up! Yeah, he never attempted to contact me, I was the one to initiate communication. He admitted to being a player in his past (years ago), but had been in one serious relationship prior to dating me. I'm apparently his longest relationship ever. He does still live at home but he's working two jobs and finishing up school so it's not like he's just bumming around his parents house. I think the biggest problem was he felt pressured by his parents to propose to me. I know his parents have constantly pressured him to already be married and have children and he's only 24.

 

I agree, I didn't feel like we had to break things off completely. I even told him we could wait to get married, but for some reason he didn't want to wait it out with me. He said that we're at the point where we either get married or we break up since it's been a year, as if we're on some sort of timetable or schedule. Maybe he did meet someone else in school. He's very outgoing and attractive so I wouldn't be surprised if girls hit on him. He also said he felt like I loved him more than he loved me, and to be honest, I thought it was the other way around. I loved him but he seemed to love me even more both in words and actions. Of course I'm doubting now if he ever really loved me.

[VivianSmith]

You asked "how do I trust again ?"

 

Well, I'm sure there were other signs in the relationship that if you sit and really think about everything, you would find. He DID move really fast as far as marriage, house and kids talk went, but was there anything else ? Did he seem to want to be around you mainly so that it would lead to sex ? Did he talk about himself ? Not just the bogus "future" of marriage and a home, but I mean did he talk about his hobbies with you ? Share personal information about his family or things he did in the past that he felt guilty over ? Did he listen to you when you spoke ? Did he ask follow up questions about the topic you were talking about ? Or was were his responses when you spoke more like "yeah" or " lol" or anything short that he didn't have to think too hard on.

 

It's hard to believe he was just picture perfect and then out of nowhere he just drops you completely. Even if he had met another woman, that would have mean he would have acted a bit distant towards you.

[shellyf62]

You poor girl, I feel so sorry for you, what an awful thing for a guy to say to you.

Do you really want to reconcile with him?

Would you ever be able to trust that he truly loves you, or is he still playing games with you?

If I was you I would walk away from him & find someone who loves you with their heart & soul. You deserve so much more than what this guy is offereing

[wish9080]

He was always attentive when I spoke to him. Asked questions and seem genuinely concerned about my well being. He could always tell if something was bothering me and would ask me what was wrong. We never had sex...he and I were both waiting until marriage but we fooled around in other ways. Yes, he talked about himself too. His dreams, his fears, his goals in life, everything.

 

Maybe it was my fault and I contributed to the breakup. Towards the end of our relationship I was very stressed with work and I would vent a lot to him. I also have low self esteem and would question if he really loved me. I know I shouldn't have done that. It was as if maybe my gut could sense that he was playing with me? I don't know. Maybe I should have trusted my instincts better.

[VivianSmith]

This guy just sounds like he is all over the place when it comes to the reason of why he broke up with you.

 

He either found someone else at school or work, or he is leaving himself fully open to try the dating world again or play the field a bit more.

 

" He said that we're at the point where we either get married or we break up since it's been a year"

 

I think he meant to say that if it's been a year and he was in love with you, then a year it's enough time for him to KNOW whether or not he wants to get married, and he wasn't sure he wanted to make that step with you which meant it would probably never come. You instantly know if you want to be with someone for the long haul after a couple of dates, so a year is plenty of time.

 

I'm sorry this happened, but you can trust another man again. You are still young at 27 so you'll come accross plenty of more guys. Just be weary of the guys that move too quick, have too many female friends, play hot and cold, don't want to meet at their place only yours, talk horribly about their exes... if you avoid those guys, you'll be good.

[VivianSmith]

" We never had sex...he and I were both waiting until marriage but we fooled around in other ways. Yes, he talked about himself too. His dreams, his fears, his goals in life, everything. "

 

Hmm, so in a full year this guy didn't have sex with you ? Well that's odd. I don't know what to make of that at all, up until now he sounded like a player (which you said he use to be years ago). Why would a guy that doesn't love you be with you and share intimate things about himself, date you, but not have sex because he is waiting until marriage... but then breaks it off out of the blue ?

 

Was it your idea to wait until you are married to have sex or his ? Did he ever try to pressure you or ask for sex ? Maybe he got tired of waiting to have sex with you and he didn't feel prepared to get married yet because he feels he is too young ?

 

I don't know, seems like there are things left unsaid here....

[wish9080]

Thank you so much. I know I deserve better, it's just hard to imagine someone else coming along and I'm not sure I would even be able to trust the next guy. I can't go through another heartbreak.

[wish9080]

VivianSmith,

He and I both wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. I've always wanted to wait and he seemed to respect that. He really did want to have sex with me but he knew how strongly I felt about waiting and so he waited. He also wanted to wait himself, not just for me. I know it's probably an antiquated notion to wait until marriage but we were both on the same page with regards to waiting. I didn't feel like it was an issue but maybe it was more of an issue for him then he was letting on. He has had sex before in past relationships.

[VivianSmith]

That's the root of the problem.

 

You said he has had sex in the past so that means he is definitely open to it more than you are.

 

He isn't ready for marriage as he feels he is too young to settle down, but at the same time you are making him wait until marriage.... well that can take years.

 

Obviously if he has had sex in the past he wants it in the current relationship he is on. He didn't feel like waiting any longer and he wasn't ready for marriage either.

 

I'm betting anything he is seeing someone who is more open to having sex before marriage. Most guys don't want to wait forever to have sex once they are in a relationship.

 

But if he stayed with you for a year under those circumstances then he must have cared for you a little bit more than he is leading you to believe now right ?

 

Maybe you can have a talk with him about this, ask him if that was the reason for the break up.

 

Although if he hasn't contacted you in a month then it's best to probably let it go, he broke things off with you so if you guys do communicate again, let it be because HE wanted to get in touch with you, and then you can ask him about that.

[wish9080]

"But if he stayed with you for a year under those circumstances then he must have cared for you a little bit more than he is leading you to believe now right ?"

 

I think he must have cared since he waited as long as he did. I would bring it up sometimes and he would reassure me that if sex was all he wanted he wouldn't have stayed with me, so I have to believe that he did care about me. I think you're right though. This is probably the main issue. Apart from the sex, I do believe he has issues that he needs to work on and will never be able to have a successful relationship until he addresses those issues. He seems like he doesn't know what he wants and it's probably because he is still young. I will definitely not talk to him again unless he initiates communication. I'm not going to hold my breath though. Thank you so much for your insightful comments! I hope with some time I will learn to trust another guy again.

[Zero71]

The dude clearly has issues and be glad it went the way it did early on. People like him have very low self-esteem and are very needy. They feel as if they don't get married or have kids that they will be alone. Since you didn't want to be in a rush, he got fed up and left. He probably found a new girl he can con into marrying him.