nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Dumpers do what is best for them..... They decided to leave way before the actual dumping, so they are in full-on "protect themselves" mode. They will tell you whatever it takes to make it easier on THEMSELVES, disregarding what is best for you, the one-down dumpee! They will with-hold real reasons and give BS reasons to make themselves even look like the victim! Amazing what mine only did to me after I invested five years..... Just to watch her desert me so painfully slowly... So for the most part everything they say during the break-up is a lie? Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Not every relationship/person situation is the same...to be honest only the dumper knows the truth 100 percent...probably some is true but its also probably sugarcoated a lot Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 i never saw him again. he contacted me every two weeks for months. i eventually emailed his girlfriend and told her he was obsessed with me and to keep him away. (i know that was a horrid thing to do, but she was in my house carrying his boxes!) anyway, that earned me silence from him for 6 months. this was a few years ago. they have now gotten married and had a baby. he still contacts me occasionally and asks to meet up. i always decline. we were together for nearly a decade. i am happy that he has his family, but i never plan to see him in life again... I keep hearing that, that alot of people on here will be with someone for years, yet sometimes after a break-up, they are usually married in less than a year later. Why is that?!?! Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Not every relationship/person situation is the same...to be honest only the dumper knows the truth 100 percent...probably some is true but its also probably sugarcoated a lot I understand that, but there is enough pattern/ similar behavior that people get answers on here. Otherwise, this forum wouldn't exist. Link to comment
iam42 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 to be fair, i think that over that time he grew into a man who is now capable of that kind of commitment. i also think that he knew that i wasn't coming back and had a good partner. they loved each other, got pregnant (first), and decided to get married. i am happy for him. he is not mine... Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 to be fair, i think that over that time he grew into a man who is now capable of that kind of commitment. i also think that he knew that i wasn't coming back and had a good partner. they loved each other, got pregnant (first), and decided to get married. i am happy for him. he is not mine... Are you glad you didn't end up with him? Link to comment
surfjon Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 nf.... In my case, I feel everything she said to me during, and even months before, the actual breakup, if not outright lies, were half-truths and everything was designed to confuse me and prepare me for being "friend-zoned" until she found the one she wanted....and it wasn't me anymore. How dare she? How could she think I was weak enough to take that, that I wouldn't bail on her a$$?? The last time she had sex with me was Jan 10th, but as late as late Feb, she would actually spent the night, nude, in my bed, with no intimacy!!?? I mean what the?? Why did I allow that?? I know why, I was still desperate then....I think that next morning I woke up and knew I needed out, that it was sick and dysfunctional as a relationship could get, and I wanted no part of it.....I mean my GF of 5 years was in bed with me, but didn't want me? It was as low as I'd ever felt, so rejected and un-wanted.......I vowed to turn the control around and I did, as hard as it was... I did it! Link to comment
iam42 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 yes. the relationship had been dysfunctional, on and off for years. i loved him so very much, but we couldn't be happy together. i am actually happy that he is happy now. and even though i hated his horrendous departure, i respect that he needed to have a shot at something that could work... and, apparently, it does. Link to comment
surfjon Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 I assure all, I will not tolerate ambivalence or uncertain behavior from someone who claims to love me. The moment they pull this on me in the future, I will bail so fast they won't even know they were with someone...... Link to comment
iam42 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 congrats, surfjon! you're right. you did it!!! Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 I understand that, but there is enough pattern/ similar behavior that people get answers on here. Otherwise, this forum wouldn't exist. whatever you say Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 How did you turn the control around? Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 whatever you say I do agree with you in a way, but I know that not everyone is 100 % alike. I'm not lumping everyone in a box, but I do notice that patterns are similar when it comes to things like cheating. (they're called red flags) There was enough repeated behavior from different people that there are signs to look out for. Link to comment
Reflective82 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Sharky....I got the whole truth "I don't love you anymore"....not all exes are as lovely as mine ha ha! Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 I do agree with you in a way, but I know that not everyone is 100 % alike. I'm not lumping everyone in a box, but I do notice that patterns are similar when it comes to things like cheating. (they're called red flags) There was enough repeated behavior from different people that there are signs to look out for. cheating is a different story..for that i agree Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 cheating is a different story..for that i agree Well people have similar behaviors when it comes to other things, too. Not just cheating. That's where "body language" comes in. There was enough repeated behavior that people read more on people's body language (actions) over words. Link to comment
Looking up Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 So for the most part everything they say during the break-up is a lie? Dumpers do what is best for them..... They decided to leave way before the actual dumping, so they are in full-on "protect themselves" mode. They will tell you whatever it takes to make it easier on THEMSELVES, disregarding what is best for you, the one-down dumpee! They will with-hold real reasons and give BS reasons to make themselves even look like the victim! Amazing what mine only did to me after I invested five years..... Just to watch her desert me so painfully slowly... That is so true. I only got a short talk and out the door after 3 years. She also made herself look like the victim. Left me standing there like it was all my fault. She went straight to NC. It was months of pain and wondering what had happened. She played it up so good to make me feel so bad. But after a few months the truth came out. She had found someone else while she was still with me. She was the CHEATER and the one the did wrong Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 I dont think it always automatically has to come down to cheating. Perhaps he is just afraid to ever lose you. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Well people have similar behaviors when it comes to other things, too. Not just cheating. That's where "body language" comes in. yeah....you can go on this all day... Link to comment
sharky988 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Sharky....I got the whole truth "I don't love you anymore"....not all exes are as lovely as mine ha ha! Yeah, my ex was real upfront as well -- that's because even though he cheated? He still prides himself on being "Mr. Integrity" who NEVER does things like that -- so I got the lovely truth that there was someone else -- and an earful of how hard it was on him and how sorry he was "for both of us". BARF. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 yeah....you can go on this all day... Well then what did you mean by whatever you say? I just wanted to mention to you about what I meant. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 I dont know what your looking for..of course there is going to be similar reasons and signs ... Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 I dont know what your looking for..of course there is going to be similar reasons and signs ... All I'm looking for is honest answers. It can be based off of their experiences, as long as it is the truth. Link to comment
surfjon Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 NF... I took control back in my own hands when I made the decision that I wouldn't wait and play her game of being her "friend" while it was convenient for her, and until she found a more interesting quarry and left me for real finally. I'm the one who ultimately bailed out, I saw what her game was doing to me and I just didn't need it, couldn't take it any more, and once I did, I felt way better.....and once I finally accepted her as gone, I quit hoping and was able to start dating again and doing my own thing for me, not some series of changes I made hoping she'd want to try again.... Once I started doing it solely for "me", and not some veiled attempt of re-attracting her, I started feeling better.... And that has really only been like the last month.... I kinda feel just a general depression these days, not even enjoying the dating right now, just generally down and don't feel like doing much except fishing and playing guitar and being alone.....so thats what I do, oh and drink too much..... Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Surfjon: I hope you feel better, someday. Link to comment
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