Reflective82 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Yeah....I don't know what's worse, the crushing truth or the sugar coat! It seemed strange my "nice natured" ex couldn't understand how seeing the words "i'm not in love with you anymore" written in an email would absolutely crush someone Link to comment
surfjon Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 NF....Mondays just seem to suck the most.... Probably because for the first 3 years, weekends were bliss.....staying out late and sleeping in....coffee and love making til early afternoon..... BUT! I also think back on the last 2 years, and those weekends didn't exist anymore anyway, they were just memories and the weekends were just me, waiting to hear from her, or find out in what way I'd be rejected, what excuses she'd come up with for not wanting to hang out, but using me for what she needed...... So I realize now I'm bumming myself out by this line of thought, and that the girl I loved and remember was gone over 2 years ago! How did I not see all this, why is it so clear now? Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Yeah....I don't know what's worse, the crushing truth or the sugar coat! It seemed strange my "nice natured" ex couldn't understand how seeing the words "i'm not in love with you anymore" written in an email would absolutely crush someone I think sugar coating is worse is because they are more often then not lies. With the truth, at least you actually know. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Surfjon maybe it is so clear to you now is because you are not wearing the rose-colored glasses, anymore. You have the "blinders" off and actually see the situation. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Hugs to you, Surfjon!!! It's HER loss. Hugs to you, too! The worst part about the Truth Tellers is how they somehow feel VINDICATED by having been honest, UGGGHHH. Hopefully the next time they get dumped they get an earful of the truth themselves. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 I dont think it always automatically has to come down to cheating. Perhaps he is just afraid to ever lose you. That can be true, too. Anything is possible. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Hugs to you, Surfjon!!! It's HER loss. Hugs to you, too! The worst part about the Truth Tellers is how they somehow feel VINDICATED by having been honest, UGGGHHH. Hopefully the next time they get dumped they get an earful of the truth themselves. I would rather know the truth, then to be deceived by lies. Link to comment
iam42 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 the truth demonstrates respect for both of you. the risk that the dumper takes when telling you the truth is that is real loss, shared grief, and genuine regret. the truth during a breakup, coupled with kindness and regard for both parties, creates a final moment of intimacy. i wish my last breakup happened with a meaningful conversation and long enveloping hug. that man was so dear to me. i would have kissed his face and wished him well and thanked him so much for the time. instead, he broke up with me by phone four days before i was to fly to his country for our holiday visit. and all it was was a series of complaints about his life and my being away. it was so terrible. when i finally said, ok, to not visiting and not continuing with him, i felt as if i had been softly maneuvered over a cliff... Link to comment
Looking up Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 So for the most part everything they say during the break-up is a lie? Dumpers do what is best for them..... They decided to leave way before the actual dumping, so they are in full-on "protect themselves" mode. They will tell you whatever it takes to make it easier on THEMSELVES, disregarding what is best for you, the one-down dumpee! They will with-hold real reasons and give BS reasons to make themselves even look like the victim! Amazing what mine only did to me after I invested five years..... Just to watch her desert me so painfully slowly... I would rather know the truth, then to be deceived by lies. Very true. The person is already breaking up with you and wants to leave they forced this pain and hurt to get over. Sometimes the truth would make this a whole lot easier. I know it would have for me instead of finding out from other people months later Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 ... And you being away? What? You were on your way to visiting him! Weird. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Very true. The person is already breaking up with you and wants to leave they forced this pain and hurt to get over. Sometimes the truth would make this a whole lot easier. I know it would have for me instead of finding out from other people months later Yep. Exactly. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 My ex was honest that there was someone else, because I was obviously going to know it when he immediately had a new girlfriend after our breakup. But he wasn't honest about the way that it happened, it was all skewed to preserve his "good guy" image. He could tell her, his friends, and even himself a sanitized version of our breakup -- that he had been losing feelings for me long before meeting her and dumping me out of the blue -- but I was with him in that relationship and I know what a total crock that is. It's VERY rare a dumper is going to come right out and admit to what a total piece of garbage they've been. There was no respect for me in what he did. And no kindness during or after the breakup, which was out of the blue -- with no warning and no chance to work things out, and right before the holidays! It was all about HIM pretending to be "Mr. Integrity" -- Mr. Therapy, Mr. AA 12 Steps Recovery Guy, blah blah blah. More like Mr. Rationalize Everything I Do. Link to comment
surfjon Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 iam42... Ya know, I'm with you.... Would this girl that I dearly loved had come to me truthfully and with respect for my feelings, and had that final conversation you referenced, I feel like I'd be better with this now. I'm not a kid, and would have let her go with the same respect and dignity she could have offered me, but it wasn't that way.... I'd have loved to wish her well, and thank her for actually showing me I could love again after my wife bailed out in 2007.... But I'm just left bitter and angry at her for not having the decency to end things a little better! Yeah, and I know....there is no script for these things and dumpers do what they want to do, but it really could be a bit better all the way around with a little consideration. After all, these people claimed to LOVE us, mine claimed that for 5 years, why couldn't her last act of love to have been show me a little kindness when breaking my heart already..... not nice baby, not nice at all.... Link to comment
iam42 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 yes, we were in a LDR, transatlantic relationship. the breakup happened four days before my next scheduled visit. i don't believe there was anyone else -- as mutual friends and he himself have shared with me how he has struggled with the breakup pain and is now trying to socialize a bit more in his current city. i even saw him recently on a dating website a few months after the breakup. i think he just didn't want the responsibility and restriction of our relationship without the daily tangible benefits. i still wish he had waited to see me and let us talk over our visit... as you can see from my various posts, i have had the WORST breakups. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Did you know who she was? Link to comment
sharky988 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Did you know who she was? No, I couldn't bear to hear the details. I immediately disappeared from his world and blocked him everywhere online, so hopefully I'll never know. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 yes, we were in a LDR, transatlantic relationship. the breakup happened four days before my next scheduled visit. i don't believe there was anyone else -- as mutual friends and he himself have shared with me how he has struggled with the breakup pain and is now trying to socialize a bit more in his current city. i even saw him recently on a dating website a few months after the breakup. i think he just didn't want the responsibility and restriction of our relationship without the daily tangible benefits. i still wish he had waited to see me and let us talk over our visit... as you can see from my various posts, i have had the WORST breakups. At least yours said he struggled with the break-up pain. Mine told one mutual friend I hurt him but he misses me, while one asked if he abused me, and another said give him a chance to miss me and if he does not, it is his loss. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 No, I couldn't bear to hear the details. I immediately disappeared from his world and blocked him everywhere online, so hopefully I'll never know. He straight up told me it was his co-worker. So, in a month, I experienced him leaving me for a co-worker, then found out he had sex with her, a death of a family member, another one got diagnosed with cancer, I got sick, and a mutual friend saying I hurt him. I don't even wish this on my worst enemy. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 He straight up told me it was his co-worker. So, in a month, I experienced him leaving me for a co-worker, then found out he had sex with her, a death of a family member, another one got diagnosed with cancer, I got sick, and a mutual friend saying I hurt him. I don't even wish this on my worst enemy. Hugs to you, too!!! It's been a dark time, but now it's time to focus on moving forward, right? Well, as best we can... Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 I think we dated the same girl! I am a little ahead of you in the process though. I cut my toxic ex off in Dec 2011. I was a basket case. But I can give you hope...I am 90% healed and have a new gf now that is a much better fit for me, and loves me to death. I can only say that all the pain I went through with the ex was necessary to prepare me for this relationship. I would not be the man I am today if I had not gone through it. With that said. If she would have ended it properly I would be 100% healed. It was a very long drawn out ending. She would have kept it going like yours for much longer if I did not end it due to the incredible pain she was causing me. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Hugs to you, too!!! It's been a dark time, but now it's time to focus on moving forward, right? Well, as best we can... Yep. *hugs* I am at a better place now, then I was before. Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 What would you think if you heard the following from your boyfriend: "I don't want to lose you." "I don't want to hurt you." Bottom line is if these are said together is never a good sign, something has happened. It definitely does not mean they want to continue in a 100% committed relationship with you. Link to comment
nfperception Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 Bottom line is if these are said together is never a good sign, something has happened. It definitely does not mean they want to continue in a 100% committed relationship with you. Gotcha. Thank you. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Do you really have to ask these questions?? He is a liar and most probably a cheat. What else is there to it?? Are you going to put up with this? Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Do you really have to ask these questions?? He is a liar and most probably a cheat. What else is there to it?? Are you going to put up with this? I think she is trying to learn. Not everyone understands it until it happens to them. I know that I was fairly naive the first time it happened to me. Now I have Phd in the subject lol Link to comment
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