how to heal from a good relationship

[lovelostlady]

ive been posting on "getting back together". here's my story, if you're interested:

 

link removed

 

After working with him tonight, and having a long talk with my mother, I've lost a lot of hope of us being together again. which hurts. there is no blame to put on anyone. there is no way for me to learn from this experience. this is a person who I love with every bit of my heart and who I have invested so much of myself in, and would have continued to, probably forever. and this person loved me and was nothing but caring and thoughtful. and the memories, god, the wonderful memories. nothing ever soured. thats what really hurts. but I've just come to the conclusion that this is a troubled boy who finds relationships hard. I dont know what it is that goes through his head. maybe he feels trapped, feels the need to be independent, just feels lost in this relationship, even though it was absolutely positive. i have never seen relationships as a difficult thing. maybe its because of my wonderful, healthy family. while I do think his parents love him dearly, their relationship with eachother isnt quite what my parents is. she isnt even living with his father currently. and although i know he definitely has love for me and cares for me, he finds it hard to be with me.

 

when he broke up with me, he said he wasnt erasing me from his life. that he still wanted to be best of friends. this is the hardest part about this. i really want him to be in my life. yeah, ofcourse i do right now. but its not just like i want him as my boyfriend. i just love the person he is, and he is someone who understands me and cares for me, and I dont think i'll find too many people like him throughout my life, so I dont want to let go of the possibility of a friendship. i think it would just truly be a shame to let go of the connection we have. also, we work together, making the healing process all the more difficult. it kills me inside, but when i worked with him today, it wasnt the same person ive always known. its like he wasnt there. its only been a week since the break, do you think that he is not himself because he too is healing and he doesnt know how to act around me? people keep saying i have to take awhile away from him in order to be friends. how does it work when we're forced to be together? i cant handle the weirdness any longer. i want to establish the friendship and work on that.

 

however, as much as he hurt me, I still love him deeply. and if at any point, he comes to me and tells me that he wants to try again, I'd have to say I'd probably do it. even though the chances of him hurting me again are likely. i want to try and help him work through his problems and show him that relationships dont have to be scary. id be willing to deal with the hurt again, to experience the loving connection we shared.

 

I really am not wanting to be single again. i dont like the single life. i guess I should, at 20, but it isnt for me. i hate dating. hate it. I am so picky with people. I know that ill always be comparing them to him, this person who i have everything in common with and has essentially made me a better person. another thing that scares me, is that this boy is my first and only sexual partner. the thought of trusting someone else so much scares me. I dont know if ill be able to do it.

 

that was pretty much a flood of thoughts. if anyone has any tips on healing from a good relationship, please help me.

[mahlina]

Hi LoveLostLady, This part of your post caught my attention:

i want to try and help him work through his problems and show him that relationships dont have to be scary. id be willing to deal with the hurt again, to experience the loving connection we shared.

I know what you mean about wanting to work things out, but that feeling must be mutual. Don't be his doormat. Relationships are about mutual reciprocity. If anything, he should also wake up and realize what's important for you too. Even if he's afraid to love, no man will ever give up on the woman that they love. Once they love someone, they try to work the relationship out through thick and thin. That also means that their partners should be doing the exact same.

 

If things are this difficult early on, then ask yourself if he's really that worth it. Sure, relationships do have it's ups and downs, but if he's not feeling it, then there is no point in holding onto him. Remember that love shouldn't feel like pain. Sometimes, it can, only because relationships have its problems here and there, but once a partner breaks up with someone, they're saying: "You're not the one for me." Of course, there are also other circumstances that may not apply to this (i.e. some LDR's), but that's not the case with your relationship.

 

I also know what you mean about being picky, and not enjoying casual dating. I'm picky myself. It's good to be picky. We're not talking about being picky about guys in a shallow way, but picky in terms of looking for qualities in a person based on their character, and that bond that we feel for them. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you will find better. Trust me. As long as you have faith, know your worth, know who you are, and live a simple and happy life, then you will have no problems with running into more love interests. But, you have to realize that every decision that you make, should be a smart decision. This also means investing your emotions on the 'right' person. If someone tells you that they want to break up, that's enough to say that that person just isn't worth your time or investment.

 

Based on what I read in your last post, I see that it's tough for you to let go, because he was your almost like your first everything. That's what makes letting go that much harder. But the pain will go away eventually. It just takes time, just remember that. Also, it sounds like you're in the denial stage of the 'Grieving Process.'

 

Hope this helps! Hang in there...