LostAngel Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Hi everyone I hope you are all doing okay. Here is an update on whats been happening I AM MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER... ---He keeps breaking NC...After saying he wanted nothing to do with me and that he is moving on... Not sure if you recall but the last time I posted he called me after nearly 2 weeks of NC. He spoke to me for a while & wanted to know how I was doing & etc. I remained all calm & sounded happy & fine. -Even though I was dying inside... Well since then I decided to keep NC and left to go away on holiday. I had told him I was going away but didn't hear from him the whole week. Then on Saturday (last week) it would of been our 7 year anniversary. He sent me a message to my phone at 3 am that morning, saying Hi & that I must enjoy my day & only have good memories & that I must enjoy the rest of my holiday & look after myself. I WAS SHOCKED, but didn't answer the message --Later that morning my phone rang & it was him...I answered & he asked how I was & then told me he was shopping and asked me if I knew where a certain store he was looking for was. I then tried to explain where it was but my phone battery was low & my phone cut out... I then charged my phone & send him a message to call me back---HE THEN DID. I asked him if he found the store & he had. Everything was going okay but then------I JUST MESSED IT ALL UP. I WAS COMPLETELY DOWN about our anniversary date & he just seemed to be just fine--he kept telling me about how much he has been going out & that he was going out that night & going to get drunk & have a good time...I couldn't hold back any longer & things were getting to me.....I then asked him things -I know I shouldnt have like -If he has met anyone else? Which he said he hadn't & asked me if I had. Then I went on to tell him that I am not exactly having a good time as it was a sad day for me & he just said ---that we just have to move on...I then ended up asking him if he is happier without me & if he prefers things as they are ---He wouldn't answer me --all he kept on saying is that he is just having fun & he is just enjoying himself...By this time he was getting irritated with me & all the questions (THAT I KNOW HE DIDN'T WANT TO ANSWER) I then asked if he missed me & he said NO. He then GOT UPSET & said that I AM BACK TO the same old thing & that I havn't changed. He then said he was going & cut the call. I then called back & said I just wanted to say goodbye properly-then we said bye & ended the call... I WAS TAKING STRAIN THE WHOLE DAY & eventually that evening I cracked & called him----I was sad & he could hear I was DOWN -I kept asking him things & he answered a few things but then said he was on his way out & had to go. We ended the call --I kept calling him but he didn't answer... I AM SO PATHETIC...I was doing fine but I MESSED UP ONCE AGAIN... The next morning I called him to let him know that i HAD ARRIVED SAFELY FROM MY TRIP. He was fine & we spoke a bit. On Monday while at work I decided to send him mail (just the usual joke or 2) I didn't hear anything from him but then the next day -HE CALLED ME ONCE AGAIN -to ask me if there was something wrong with my mail -as he had send me mail but it didn't go through... Guys --I am totally messed up ---Not only because he has been calling me but because I ALWAYS SEEM TO MESS UP MY CHANCES WITH HIM. My healing process is ruined --I am worse off now than before... Now we are in contact again & I AM SCARED THAT I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP MESSING UP... HELP, HELP, HELP Should I even be thinking there will be another chance for us---if we are in contact again. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.... LostAngel Link to comment
RayKay Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Okay, stop and breathe I am going to take a bit of a tough love approach here, so please don't be offended by it. Now, I am not sure he even knows he is in "NC" officially, so is not thereforeeee really breaking it. It is your choice to talk to him or not (I am not an advocate of NC in "general") but if you are, you really really REALLY have to be ready to be calm about it first. Until you can, I am not so sure you should be talking to him. You are already feeling guilt after you "start asking him questions" so the answer is simple...stop doing it! If you feel you are about to ask him if he misses you, or if he is with anyone, or whatever, instead, take a deep breath, and tell him you have to go, as you are on the way out, or someone is at door, or whatever! Clinginess and neediness is NOT attractive, and I think that is what he feels when you start breaking down on him. I have previously advised that this relationship is NOT healthy right now, and that you both need some time to heal - I am sticking to that. You are still too dependent on how he thinks, feels, what he wants.....you need to live for YOU. Your life right now seems to be so wrapped up in whether you will be with him again, and what he is thinking, and whether he will call. That is not healthy. If he is holding you back from growing, tell him you need some time without contact for a month or whatever. Until you can be a complete person LostAngel, you need to distance yourself a bit, happy relationships are made between complete, happy people...not people whose happiness is dependent on the other person. Link to comment
Mun Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Hi, First thing I want to say is... you have to always remember that you are broken up. When he calls you have the option of answering or not. If you feel that you will not be ok then you should not answer. That is the point of NC--to get yourself emotionally healthy again. Now I think that you should remember that you are broken up so that when he calls and you do talk to him you do NOT ask about him dating and stuff like that.... in fact I suggest when you feel that coming on cut the conversation short and say your goodbyes. I don't know what chances you are missing. He just called to chat it seems like. Maybe he wanted to heard your voice, maybe he wanted his ego strocked by knowing you are still there--no way to tell. He didn't ask you out though. I think that as long as you keep talking to him while you have not healed and let go you will keep on going in this cycle. You are the one that makes the decision here. If you want things to change for you then you will realize that what you have been doing so far is not working and you will try something new. Remember he is not in control here : YOU ARE. I've said it before-- the most attractive quality you have is dignity. Hold on to it next time he calls and you want to Make things happen. You'll be ok love Link to comment
sankin Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 hey I was reading this and was wondering what NC means. Link to comment
RayKay Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 hey I was reading this and was wondering what NC means. No Contact. Basically means you cut contact with your ex - no calls, no emails, no IM'ing, no telepathy, smoke signals, whatever. Link to comment
sankin Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 why do something like that though, I have always found it better to instead of go all, I dont know you any more, just basicaly drop down to friendship with my ex, even the one that cheated on me with a 28 year old, I still wanted to be friends after we broke up, Is this a way to break a friendship or what not, I'm still a little confused by no contact, why would you do something like that, It seems to me like hiding from the truth. Link to comment
Zarah Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 No contact with someone helps with getting over the certain person, or the relationship. Being friends at that point isn't always appropriate if you still feel strongly for the person and being in contact with them will only make you feel worse about the situation. It's all about personal preference though, it works for some, but not others. I hope everything works out for you LostAngel, and as was previously posted, you can help keep NC if it was working for you. Just don't answer the phone calls until you're ready. Link to comment
RayKay Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 why do something like that though, I have always found it better to instead of go all, I dont know you any more, just basicaly drop down to friendship with my ex, even the one that cheated on me with a 28 year old, I still wanted to be friends after we broke up, Is this a way to break a friendship or what not, I'm still a little confused by no contact, why would you do something like that, It seems to me like hiding from the truth. I am not an advocate of NC (at least not in anything more than a short period of time), but sometimes when there is too much hurt, negative energy and when seeing them brings back too much pain, and you break down in front of them all the time....you need to withdraw a bit from them. Sometimes you need time to heal before you can be friends with someone whom the day before was supposed to be part of your love life's future. Link to comment
EclipseXkim621 Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Ouch..You really seem like you want to be strong and I think you have the ability to be. Its just that...he also gives you these mixed emotions KNOWING that you will crack...sort of like..its an out for him...The more you give in, the less he has to. Common law. I can totally relate to that...No Contact is the hardest thing to ever do(I'm going on a month..and everyday I have to suck it in and FORCE myself litterally to be strong..knowing that for the past year I've given in to every last contact..)and he even texted me a week ago and I kept it short..so yes, I know its the hardest thing..but if it cant be 100%..make it close) Try doing N/C right off the bat..if he calls_dont answer. Obviously when you did that the last time...he was calling you for misc. reasons...Be strong..and if you are doing n/c for to get back together...thats even tricker..(thats my reason for it..rather then to heal and get over it)..After a while of no contact..keep it light...let him feel your strength-challenge is always the key I've realized. Good Luck Link to comment
iceesnowbubble Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 hey I was reading this and was wondering what NC means. No Contact. Basically means you cut contact with your ex - no calls, no emails, no IM'ing, no telepathy, smoke signals, whatever. Haha... smoke signals.. that just made me smile..silly raykay. Link to comment
nicholascrack Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Hi Lostangel, I can really sympathize with you. You're going through no contact, you're staying so strong, not calling your ex and then......BAM...they contact you. And immediately the gates burst and you let all your emotions and questions out. I know this may seem like a setback, but I don't think that you're really even ready to talk to him just yet. I think you need to continue doing what you've been doing. If he calls, I say don't pick up. I know it's not nice, but these conversations always leave us emotional wrecks. Angel, I hope you get back on your feet. You sound really sweet, and, quite frankly, you can't blame yourself for how you reacted when he called. You had all these questions you were dying to ask... Hope I was of some help Nicholas Link to comment
LostAngel Posted November 18, 2004 Author Share Posted November 18, 2004 Hi everyone Thanks for the replies You know things now are hitting me HARD, I am so DOWN. I'm back to where I was months ago---LOST. Now I am getting the urge to call him again & am getting myself Down when he doesn't call or when I don't receive mail from him. I don't know what to do with myself anymore ----I AM DESTROYED by all that has happened ---THE PAST 6 MONTHS HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH. I KEEP HAVING HOPE, But I don't know if it will ever work...I keep messing up with him. I was doing fine in the last 2 weeks -Trying to get myself back & try & enjoy doing things for me (even went away for a week) --But it is not helping. I am back to where I started. I hate this -If ONLY he new how much this is hurting me, but he seems to be JUST FINE & HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME...... Sorry about me being so down LostAngel Link to comment
LostAngel Posted November 18, 2004 Author Share Posted November 18, 2004 HI Is he that much better off -without me... He seems to be just fine & having a great time, going out & having fun. He even said he is going out almost every night of the week. Why is it not getting him DOWN, surely if he loved & cared for me ---HE WOULD BE DOWN TOO. I JUST DON'T GET IT. LostAngel Link to comment
skynet74 Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 HI Why is it not getting him DOWN, surely if he loved & cared for me ---HE WOULD BE DOWN TOO. I JUST DON'T GET IT. LostAngel ---------------------- Lots of times IT IS getting them down. The Ex usually doesn't want you to know it though. It would make them appear weak and out of control. Typically the DUMPER is the one in control. They are the one on the Power Trip. They hold the cards. If the Ex lets you know that He (or) she is hurt..... then they loose some of that control. There position becomes weaker and they don't want that to happen. It sounds stupid and it kind of is. Relationships are so full of games that it makes me ill. However it's just human nature. He's obviously not as hurt as you are. If he was then he would just get back with you. However he's probably not pain free either. There is always a certain amount of guilt and hurt going on by both sides. John Link to comment
nicholascrack Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Lostangel, If he's going out every night that means he is miserable. Skynet is exactly right. He's probably miserable as hell. Stay strong and resist the urge to call! You were doing so well and you sounded like you were being very productive. If he calls, I'd MAYBE pick up, but say, "Oh, I'm on the way to the gym," or "I'm in the middle of a run." Keep conversations BRIEF. Less than a minute. Lostangel, you feel down now, but I hope you will feel happy again soon. The past six months sound so tough, but I know, and everyone else knows, that you can do it. JUST STAY STRONG. If you feel like you're going to crack, come on here. We're here for you. I know what you're feeling, the exact same thing happened to me. Stay up and smile. Nicholas Link to comment
LostAngel Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 Hi Thanks everyone -Sky & Nicholas You guys are so right about them holding that position of power... Yesterday I called him once again -I called to tell him something about my sister and to ask if he was receiving my mail. I know I shouldn't have but I am somehow back to that urge to call him again -especially because now we are in contact again. I was okay -what was strange is that after asking him everything -he ased me what I'm doing on the weekend -I said I wasn't sure yet. Then when I asked him he said -nothing much yet & didn't really know. I found this strange because usually he always tells me he has plans & how much fun its going to be & always sounds like he always has somewhere to go. I might be reading into this but then he said he had something he needed to ask me. As he was about to --He suddenly stopped, changed his mind & said "never mind" -I then said are you sure you don't need to ask me. He then said No. He then said he better go & said bye. Now this keeps running through my head -Why his acting a bit srange & why he wouldn't ask me what he was going to. I realise how much of a bad idea it is to contact him because -everytime I do -Everything that he says keeps running through my head & gets me down. I'm not sure what is going on with him. -But I am trying not to let things get to me -- I hope I can stay strong ---I just wish things would get better... LostAngel Link to comment
shockeddismayed Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Lost Angel, I am worried about you. You know that you can't be contacting him... you know that you need to move on, yet you keep slipping back into old patterns. You need to STOP IT. NO MORE EXCUSES. If he really loves you, he will get up the courage to ask you things instead of stopping mid-sentence. He will start calling you up and will DECLARE his feelings for you. Until then he is just stringing you along... and worse yet, you are ENCOURAGING HIM to do it. He is certainly messed up and confused right now. He obviously has feelings for you still, and it hurt by all of this. However why are you willing to be a safety net? He could end this all again as soon as he manages to get over his guilt. If you stick around now, you will get hurt. I can almost guarantee that. It may happen because he decides for sure he doesn't want you... It may also happen because you do another one of your pressure filled question periods that pushes him over the edge. I know I'm being a little harsh here... but I am only doing it because you are repeatedly injuring yourself... and you are repeatedly going against the good advice you are getting from a number of posters. Stand up for yourself and be proud. Quit letting this guy control your happiness, and make him work to benefit from the positive energy you have inside. If you can't believe that he should do that, then you have some work to do (without him) to find that positive energy. It is there, even if you can't see it right now. Stop flirting with your own recovery and committ to it. Link to comment
PrincessLinzay Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I have to agree with SD here. It's not going to benefit you to keep contacting the ex. It just gives him a feeling of security that you will always be there for him. There is no sense of urgency there. I know it's hard, but you really must stop contacting him. All it's doing is hurting you. Hang in there. Link to comment
LostAngel Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Hi shocked&dismayed Thankyou for your reply. You are so right -everything you have said is right. I know I have to STOP contact with him, I was doing fine --It is just that as soon as he makes contact -Everything seems to come crashing down. I loose control of me & seem to worry more about him. This is so hurtfull, how things have turned out this way. I am trying to STOP contacting him -since I have been the one doing most of that ever since he started. I realise that I am back to where I was months ago --running after him the whole time. S&D & everyone -Thankyou for helping me. When I read your reply's I try to let it sink in -so that I will STOP my mistakes with him. I will try to keep strong & try to keep moving on -But he has a strong hold over me & the problem is that he knows it. S&D -How else do I make him work to benefit from the positive energy I have inside -Besides No contact. I am sorry if it's a silly question but right now I am lost... I never really know how to react towards him when he makes contact. --I have just tried to remain calm & be all positive & talk about other things but then my weakness is when I begin with my like you say "pressure filled question periods" which obviously shows him that I havn't changed & am still down & sad about him breaking up with me. Should I remain to be calm & be happy & positive... Am I doing the right thing by pretending everything is just fine & that I'm all happy --even though I am not??? I just don't know what to do anymore... Please help LostAngel Link to comment
LostAngel Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Hi PrincessLinzay Thanks for the reply I hope I can STOP all that I am doing wrong. I am trying to STOP contact with him -I just hope I can hang in there & react the right way when he makes contact... I am taking strain because it feels as though I am moving back instead of forward --I hope to get through this... LostAngel Link to comment
LostAngel Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 I'm feeling more & more DOWN... I'm back to square 1 while everytime I have spoken to him he seems to be FINE... How can he be so Fine about this...Has he gotton over me that quickly? HAVE I BEEN DOING THE RIGHT THING... I never really know how to react towards him when he makes contact. --I have just tried to remain calm & be all positive & talk about other things but then my weakness is when I begin with my like you say "pressure filled question periods" which obviously shows him that I havn't changed & am still down & sad about him breaking up with me. Should I remain to be calm & be happy & positive... Am I doing the right thing by pretending everything is just fine & that I'm all happy --even though I am not??? I just don't know what to do anymore... Please help LostAngel Link to comment
LostAngel Posted November 23, 2004 Author Share Posted November 23, 2004 Hi Today is exactly a month that I have not seen him...& 3 days since we last spoke... I miss him, his smile, his voice -everything,,,, I want to die... LostAngel Link to comment
shockeddismayed Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 Hey LostAngel, First.... you do not want to die. You know that. Please don't frighten your friends by typing it. We are all here for you. Now... what is true is that you are down... nothing more, nothing less. You need to keep a hold of this situation. Remember that it took a while for you to feel secure in your skin again. It will take a little bit of time again, but you WILL get there. You need to do exactly what it was that was making you feel better... with one exception.... First you need to start doing things for you... the working out, the meeting with friends, the exploring career and personal growth options. Remember, that is what led to finding your positive centre again.... and that is what *started* to attract you to yourself again (if that makes sense)... once you felt attractive again, it is easy to see why you were getting interest from others (including him) again. But the mistake was made when you were too willing to let him control the situation. The truth of the matter is that you were (and ARE) on the path to recovery.... but you stopped your progress and made a sideways step. That is why you couldn't stop yourself from the "pressure filled question periods".... cuz you haven't completely re-established your own self-worth and independence. All is not lost. This time you will be better able to recognize your own feelings. This is why people (like myjoy's and morigan's famous posts) recommend that you keep EVERY conversation short, and YOU are the one to end the calls. This is a protection mechanism from slipping into detrimental behaviours (begging, pleading, negotiating, interrogating). For you I would suggest a very strong resolve and self discipline. You AREN'T ready to talk to him right now... so don't fret that he hasn't called... he's actually doing you a favour. DON'T weaken and call him... you can do this... you are going to do STRICT NC until you are truly healed. You will know you are there when you don't feel panicked about this situation.... when you feel peaceful that whatever happens will be for a reason. Once you get there, give yourself another MONTH at least, so that you can prove to yourself that you have severed ties. Then and only then, can you return whatever calls you've dodged, or pick up if and when he calls. At that point you will be able to share some of your positive energy with him without GIVING IT UP and reverting back into those detrimental behaviours. I really think you need to stop and think... you've been underestimating your own recovery period. You have a lot to sort through. True love (if it was true) will endure this period, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take a stand for yourself and give yourself the time that you need to heal. We're all behind you. Link to comment
LostAngel Posted November 24, 2004 Author Share Posted November 24, 2004 Hi shocked&dismayed Thanks for the reply I am trying slowly to try & get back onto the "healing" path, I was doing fine...until he called. I realise I HAVE TO DO THINGS FOR ME... I am trying slowly... Yesterday I hit a bit of a downer because I realised I had not seen him in a month...He has such a hold on me... I hope I can 'LET GO' of this all...I don't want to 'LET GO' of him but I know it is the only way... I just hope one day he will see me for the great person I can be...& that is what I will work toward... Thanks LostAngel Link to comment
shockeddismayed Posted November 24, 2004 Share Posted November 24, 2004 Just a quick perspective switch on your last sentence: You are going to work toward being a great person, and if he can see it, great. Don't put him first ANYMORE, not in your thoughts, not in your words, not in your sentences. You come first. Link to comment
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