Last seen 1.5 years ago, last email 1 year ago, why is he still avoiding me?

[michellezheng]

Hi guys,

 

First, thank you for reading my situation. This is my first post in the forum!

 

I am 25 this year. Long story short: 3 years ago, in 2009, I knew this man who could be considered my mentor in our close-knit community (as in, I was a fresh graduate and he was 12 years older than me, helping me on jobs, interview advice). Due to circumstances, he went back to Europe to work. While I was still in Asia, we communicated on and off. It was too long to describe in details but what he said was he liked me but was not in love and I should find a nice man who could look after me. He even admitted that he had issues with women. He said although he did not smoke, did not drink, did not gamble, did not get involved in violence, his biggest sin is that he liked women, he liked to flirt with them and sleep with them. He was very promiscuous and liked to add pretty girls on facebook and chatted them up (even when he had a gf). No, he wasn't a serious boyfriend. We have never been an official item. But I don't know why I was so attracted him. It is inexplicable because till then, I had never been in any serious relationship. People would say I am good looking and smart (bookish type maybe I was a virgin and am still because I believe in waiting.

 

Ok, so, in summer 2010, I flew accross continents to see him in Europe. We spent some time together. Ah, I must admit that I was very inexperienced in relationship back then was very emotional and insecure. When I went back to Asia, I became clingy and kept calling him (yes, my very bad, you can say). Of course it is understandable that he ran a mile (ignoring my emails and stuffs)

 

I knew I was bad. So I tried to improve myself. I exercised a lot, became slimmer (1.65m, 47kg, before I weighed 54kg hehe...) paid more attention to my clothing styles in order to become a better person, not to shove it up to his face, but for him to see that I want to become a girl he would be proud to be seen with

 

In between I tried to initiate contact with him to try to be friendly and that I don't hold any grudges. However, there are still some bad moments when I was too clingy that he was really mad and calling me names, oops, ok, my bad!

 

He came back to work in Asia, in the same city in 2011 and never contacted me. Early 2012, we happened to meet at a seminar. It was unexpected and it was the first time he saw me after my makeover. This is what I felt: he looked nervous when he saw me. But it was him to look at me accross the room and smile. And then when the talk is over, he approached me, smiling (awkwardly and nervously?), putting his hand on my shoulder and said "how are you doing?" we only exchanged 1-2 sentences because it was crowded and he had some stuffs to attend to. Also, I was nervous because although I still liked him very much, I have learned my lesson about being desperate and clingy, so I didn't try to talk to him. I talked to other people and I had a feeling that he was wandering around that area too. When I left, I just left I didn't say anything to him because I was nervous.

 

Then 1 month later, we had a mutual friend who was leaving the country. She organized a small farewell party (only 5-6 people) including me and him. He insisted that the party should be on Friday night and then did not turn up because he was having dinner with the CEO of his company.

 

Another month passed, I believed I should have closure with him. Although I felt very painful having to move on but I had to do so for my own sake, so I sent him an email saying how I appreciated the time with him and the things (professional, personal advice) he taught me. I also reviewed the relationship between us and said his behaviors were completely understandable. He replied after 10 days apologizing and said he never meant to hurt me and that he wished that I can find my inner peace and what drives me in life (as in, professionally because through grapevine, he knows I didn't like my job). He also said that he is constantly looking for inner peace too. He signed off with a "take care" (which I interpreted as "goodbye forever but with good will" I replied to that email saying "Don't need to worry about the past. If any, blame it on bad timing that we knew each other when I didn't have the maturity to handle delicate issues while you also had your own sufferings" and I suggested a psychology book which he might be interested in reading. That's it. Clean and friendly.

 

So, that was my last contact with him. More than 1 year ago. I am doing well, as in, not letting this affecting me too much because I have come so far. Although thoughts about him are still my soft spot, I have since become a better and more positive person

 

So as the ultimate test for myself, I re-added him on facebook several weeks ago. Even when I might not be ready to become fully platonic (because he is still my very first love), I hope that being connected, seeing his posts frequently will eventually make me think of him just like any other friends ranting about their lives on facebook and eventually I would not wonder about what he has been up to.

 

I just clicked "Add Friend". I did not send any message. He did not act on it because it still says "Friend request pending". But he was active on it. Because recently, when I checked his page again, I saw all his recent posts (videos, pictures, check-ins) suddenly set to Public. Before, everything was set for Friends. Apparently he is hinting that he is having a good time with his little sisters and someone seemingly his new girlfriend. But he was subtle, not obvious. It is like in the album, there would be 10 photos and she will appear in 2-3 pics. None of it were him and her together. If they are in the same picture, it is usually with the sisters or someone else. He doesn't usually take friendly pictures with girls and post on facebook so I know this person must be someone special.

 

This upset and confused me. Why didn't he reject my friend request in the first place (he has nearly 1,000 friends on facebook and many of them don't know him). Why suddenly change everything to Public?

 

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is not hating me but tries to subtly hint to me that he does not want me in his cycle/ life and having some sneak peek into his current life via his Public photos would be enough. I am a strong believer that people do mean well, even though their actions may bewilder you. But somehow, it saddens me a lot.

[Donovan79]

I don't get why you added him as a friend at all. You're clearly still not over the guy if you're writing long, longing posts about him on relationship websites, so why did you think seeing him more and reading about his life was going to make things better? There's no need to analyse his photos or try to guess at why he is or isn't in a certain ratio of photos with a girl who may or may not be his new girlfriend. Only thing that matters is that he wasn't the one for you.

 

Undo the request for friendship and move on. I'd normally say that the guy sounds like an ass and you could do better, but frankly he sounds like he's been very honest and straightforward with you about his lack of interest and you're still trying to contact him.

 

Let it go. It's terrific that you found the confidence to get in better shape and dress better, but now focus that energy and motivation somewhere where it'll actually pay off. You can and will find someone better. Just move on.

[KarenC]

I must admit that I agree with CHRISMAC 100%.

 

Please get over this guy because he doesn't want what you want and based upon your Post -- It doesn't seem as if he's happy to reconnect with you because he's treating you like...Next!!!

 

You're a young woman and this guy has a lot experience so don't allow the few times that the 2 of you shared with 1 another in the past to blind your vision regarding his actions towards you in the future because he's showing you exactly how feel about you.

 

Feeling can get us in trouble so pay attention to the signs.

 

Good Luck

[lavenderdove]

Honey, i hate to say this, but you really never had much of a relationship with him... he was more a friend rather than a BF, and you rarely saw him and didn't have sex with him, while he is talkin about how he loves women and sex and doing things with them. So i think you saw him as a BF, but he saw you more as a young girl that he liked but who wasn't ever his GF. He told you he liked you but was not in love with you and that you should find another man. That was his way of saying he wasn't your BF and didn't want to be.

 

He probably understands how you have a lot of feelings for him, and he is not interacting with you because he doesn't want you to get attached or think that he's your BF or intends to be that. So i'd just accept this as an indication that he has no romantic feelings for you and does have a GF now, so you need to let go and look for a local man to date who does want to be with you and work on a serious relationship, who also has the same moral values about being OK with you waiting to marry before having sex. You and this guy just weren't a match, and you were taking it seriously while he was just seeing you as a friend and not a potential romance.

[michellezheng]

Thanks all for replying. That is much appreciated

 

@lavenderdove: the way you re-phrase it can't be truer. It is like you have been a witness throughout the process or even him speaking from his heart. Sad but true!

 

Because it was me who removed him from Facebook, I think when I did the "Add friend" action, I was using the excuse of "burying the old hatchets" to see if there could be any false hope (though little). I did things that were detrimental to my progress. Luckily,he helped me by ignoring it because it's true it's better for us not interacting.

 

Being a "friend" on facebook means nothing if you are not on speaking terms and feel uncomfortable I will stop this.

 

Thank you.