Opinions really, really needed.

[Tha]

25 year old girl, 27 year old guy, been in a live in relationship for 5 years.

 

The boyfriend had several personal issues.

 

He has broken up with her at least yearly since they first met.

 

It is my opinion that every time this guy finds a new group of friends he decides he is happier with them than with her. But his happiness with the friends doesn't last long, and then he goes back with her. A lot of mind changing on his part. I do feel that he is dissatisfied with his own life and that this might be directly her fault.

 

Most recently, he has met new friends at work, and has told his girlfriend that "life with her is not satisfying him, he wants more fun and adventure, and there are times in life when you have to make the decision to move on".

 

He has stated if she is willing to take a back seat, have fun with him, and allow him to live a single persons life (he says he wont see other girls though), then there may be hope for them.

 

The girlfriend loves him deeply, and she is so hurt by the constant mind changing, I have the feeling it is really effecting her self worth.

 

I am biased, the girl is my sister. But I am very close to them both, and they have both confided in me for advice so I do believe I have a full picture. I haven't been able to give them advice, because when I do would like to have a well balanced opinion.

 

Opinions would be excellent... Thank you!

[pl3asehelp]

It does sound like he's not satisfied with his life, but that is 100% under his control and not your sisters fault. You sister sounds like she has very low self esteem to have tolerated this hot and cold drama for five years.

[Tha]

Exactly my thoughts. I tried really hard to remain objective all this time, and let them resolve it for themselves. I truly believe my sister would act on advice I gave, and I wonder should this time I tell her I think it is time she moved on.

[ParisPaulette]

I do feel that he is dissatisfied with his own life and that this might be directly her fault.

 

This is directly only his fault. Your sister needs to tell this jerk to hit the road and find herself someone who loves and is satisfied with her. The whole "I want to live like I'm single, but won't date other girls while you wait on a shelf for me" is bullcrap. It just means he wants to have his cake and eat it too and is being massively selfish. Your sister will always be jerked around by this guy no matter what she lets him do or how much freedom she gives him since she's been doing that all along and he still says he's not happy. So tell your sister to let him go fall flat on his face somewhere else while she finds friends and someone who wants to be with her now. And when the guy comes crawling back after it dawns on his new friends he's a jerk and they kick him to the curb (which I suspect happens a lot) then she can tell him, "Yeah, I'm done with you too." And shut the door in his face and go be happy with someone else since that's what she deserves, not this man-child brat that she lets walk all over her.

 

Tell your sister five years is more than enough time for this guy to have taken responsibility for his own life and happiness, she isn't the cause except that she lets him continue to mistreat her and that you will personally support her every step of the way as she kicks the Sir Asshat to the curb. Sorry, but that's what I would do and have done for my relatives who found themselves in similar situations.

[Tha]

Thanks paris. I think you nailed it- this guy has a lot of growing up to do. I hate seeing her so heartbroken. It is tough. When people feel like that it should be at the end of a relationship, not the whole way through it. Thanks heaps!

[ParisPaulette]

You're welcome Tha. Your sister is lucky to have you in her life caring for her and no, no one should feel heartbroken and bad throughout a relationship. If they do then they're in the wrong relationship. I let something like that happen to me with my first serious boyfriend and it dragged on for a year until I caught him dealing dope out of our house. He also did the whole, "I just want to be free and single, but won't date anyone else" then slept with a heroin addict he was dealing to and worse--compared her to me. One of the best days of my life was turning down his marriage proposal when he realized he was losing me for good and tried to get me back. By then it was too late, because I'd discovered others actually valued me and it really was him, not me that was the source of our problems.. I hope your sister finds the same strength and clarity and with you there to help her I think she has a pretty good chance at that. Tell her I said good luck and never let anyone make you feel like you're less or not important or don't matter, because you do and they should be kissing the ground you walk on for allowing them into your life.

[Tha]

I am going to show her this thread, everything you have said is exactly what she needs to hearing, and hearing from people that have been there might really do the trick. The boyfriend has had drug issues too, and I often wonder if that is the reason for his inconsistencies. He is clean now, but the results have stuck around. I am sorry you had to go through that, I hope my sister can move on and learn from it the way you have. Thanks again

[Capricorn3]

He has stated if she is willing to take a back seat, have fun with him, and allow him to live a single persons life (he says he wont see other girls though), then there may be hope for them.

Wow, that's really rich. He's basically wanting his cake and eating it too. He wants to live the life of a single person, but have her hanging around as a convenience whenever it suits him. ~leaves on speechless~ He is beyond immature and has a LOT of growing up to and is definitely not ready for any relationship (imo). If I was in her shoes and my boyfriend said that to me, I would show him the door so fast he wouldn't know what hit him and I'd tell him he is most welcome to live a single life, but NOT to expect me in it. EVER.

[ParisPaulette]

The boyfriend has had drug issues too, and I often wonder if that is the reason for his inconsistencies.

 

I don't think so. It has a lot more to do with the fact that he knows no matter what he says or does your sister will take him back and let him keep putting her down. For him it's a win-win in that he can run off and do whatever he wants secure in the knowledge that he has her "stored away" just in case things don't work out elsewhere. A trait I personally find morally reprehensible and one that honestly shows that the person is a pretty low character. I think the past drug use is just one more manifestation of the fact this guy has emotional and maturity problems and just isn't a nice person any way you look at it. At the age of 27 he's already a little long in the tooth to be still running off to "find himself" whatever that means. I do understand your sister's dilemma, I have been there, but in the end I only found real happiness in relationships when I finally adopted the attitude and rule that the only people who get to share my life are those who treat me the way I treat them and others. The people who show me love and respect get my love and respect in return. Anyone who doesn't show me love and respect gets shown to the door. It's a tough attitude to adopt at first, you do have to deal with the pain of realizing the person you loved isn't going to be that person and then you get past it, heal from the pain and find out you can be really happy. And you wonder why you ever put up with the ex's bad behavior in the first place. Feel free to show my comments to your sister and I wish her nothing but the best.

[Stay_home]

Your sister needs out of this....

[pl3asehelp]

Why are you only considering saying something to her now after 5 years? Why not when they first started dating or after breakup number one?

[Tha]

Thank you again everyone!!! I am so glad I have had you all to validate my thoughts about it. Such a sad story. I am going to do my best to get her out of it.

[Tha]

Why are you only considering saying something to her now after 5 years? Why not when they first started dating or after breakup number one?

 

I have given her many options to leave, I have offered her overseas travel with me, a new home, lots of things. I knew at the end of the day this has to be her decision. I wish I had stepped in earlier, and I really wish it was as easy as that..