summernite Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 So here's my story, A few months ago I googled a guy I had awesome sex with 10 years ago. His linkedin profile came up and I added him to my network (didn't think anything beyond accepting the invite to connect would happen.) He did accept, and after several updating emails, we understood why things didnt progress with us in the past, and proceeded to say good bye. He asked to share a picture so I did send him a few innocent pictures and he did the same. We kept emailing for a few more days. Then one day I took the initiative and sent him an innocent txt message. We texted that day back and forth until 4am, remembering the short lived Summer thing we had over a decade ago. Ever since we have been light flirting via text on and off. Lately we have been actually sexting each other well past midnight, continuing next morning and throughout the day which we both (I think) enjoy. Now, here's the problem..: Each one of us is in a committed relationship with someone else. And we both have agreed the sexting has to stop. Easier said than done! There are withdrawal symptoms when I don't text him. ... We have abstained from texting for days sometimes even weeks. When I finally think I'm over him, then he surprises me with a friendly txt and quickly we get into the sexting thing again.... I feel guilty because I do enjoy the sexting very much... but I am not ready to simply cheat or end the committed relationship I've been into for the past 10 years, just for the fun of sexting the guy I had the hottest night of my life 10 (actually 11) years ago. This is awful... but please don't judge. I really dont know what to do. I don't even think I know what I want ... this is the first time I've felt so confused in 10 years of being with the same guy. I feel so out of control, lost in the worst of the crushes I have ever had (and I am on my mid-30's)! Any suggestions on how to get over this? I am so exhausted, thinking about this guy all the time is so tiring... specially because getting together with him is almost impossible at this time due to our commitment to our current partners. Besides, I feel I am more invested into this than he is... Thanks, SummerNite. Link to comment
Sparklesong Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Change your phone number? Link to comment
thePuma Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Hello. Welcome to eNA. Any suggestions on how to get over this? To get over this, either you tell and explain this guy to stop messaging you and proceed to ignore all subsequent messages, OR, you try to understand why he means so much to you. I'm getting curious about that night.. what's a night of sex that can't be surpassed in the 10 following years? - Why hasn't it been surpassed? - Could that be a sign that you're not sexually satisfied with your current partner? - Why did you and the second guy break up anyway? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 You say you don't want to cheat but that is what you are doing now. You are emotionally unfaithful to your current boyfriend and I'm pretty sure if he knew the extent of your sexual messages with the guy, your boyfriend would probably be crushed. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 I know it doesn't seem simple to you but it is--you a) make a conscious decision to stop it and then you put up with the unpleasant sensations of fighting off an addiction until you're over it. Or b) you go tell your SO right now what's been going on and risk losing him, then hand him your phone and tell him to keep it until he can trust you again. If he chooses that instead of breaking up with you and ending ten years together on a broken heart. If you find yourself not wanting to do b) then go back to plan a)--your SO and likely the cheating guy's will figure out soon enough if they haven't already that something fishy is going on. You say you don't want to cheat, but you already are. I'm not judging per se, but the bottom line is you know you what you're doing is wrong and will hurt your SO and yet you are choosing to do it anyways. Worse, the guy you're doing it with doesn't seem like a real prize either if he's able to step out on his own relationship so easily. So choose already, either the two of you decide that one night was so amazing that you must break everyone's hearts to see if you can create it again. Or you do what you successfully did for ten years and you don't talk each other. Really you don't have another choice, not a good one anyways. Sidenote: if the one night together was so amazing for both of you then why didn't you both act on it then instead of waiting until you're both in other relationships? It just doesn't make sense and I personally suspect there's a bit of rose-colored glasses and boredom with current life situations that are making that one night seem greater than it really was. Or you two would be together now instead of in the current dilemma. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Tell your boyfriend you are sending sexual text messages to another man. That will whip a clue into your head. Link to comment
4thtimelucky Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Give me his number.. Lol sorry just kidding.. Seriously maybe I'm speaking out of turn but I'm on the fence here.. Something somewhere deep inside you made you look him up (I've done this looking up a lover years down the line.. But I was single) but what I'm trying to get at is where and why did it come? Were you bored? Not satisfied? (I'll be honest, I wasn't getting any, that's it).. We all crave excitement but it's short lived... I get its a guilty pleasure but that's probably why it's so appealing as much as the actual fantasy of the sex.. And the desire to want what you can't have. Ask yourself this.. If you found out your partner was doing it what would have been your response before you started doing it? If it was me and I deeply loved my partner and thought that this was a phase then don't tell him and know that the guilt will be your punishment then change your number and delete his.. Don't just block it because the temptation is still there.. Never mind that he's still trying to contact you only you can be in control of you.. Then work on why you think you did it. If it's a just a sex issue then address that with your partner.. If you can't be honest to him be honest to yourself and the rest will follow... Link to comment
summernite Posted April 27, 2013 Author Share Posted April 27, 2013 WOW!! great advice all! I am impressed; you guys are saving me hundreds on therapy. Link to comment
summernite Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 I think I have been trying to understand why this guy means so much to me... -Why hasn't that night been surpassed? I have been wondering the same over and over. In the last 10 years there have been times of great sex, no sex, quick sex, crazy sex, and a lot of love. And there isn't anything as satisfying as expressing sexually within a safe relationship. There are 2 things I can think of that made the one night so special: 1. Attraction, pure chemistry, just like strong magnets on each other. And this is weird because my BF is actually better looking than the other guy. 2. Also, the other guy can follow my body signals very smoothly; It's just like dancing: some people you can dance with well with others it's amazing. Not sure why. -Is this a sign that I am not sexually satisfied with my current partner? definitely: My current partner thinks women don't need much sex. He assumes because "men need more sex than women", I should know he is always up for having sex. He expects me to initiate sex when I am "in the mood", so he doesn't have to risk me saying "no". This really bothers me, and he knows it. I hadn't realized how annoyed I was by this until I started chatting with the other guy. It's nice to be "lured" into it sometimes, feel desired and wanted. The other guy has no issues letting me know -ever so tenderly what he wants, why, when and how. I love that. -Why didn't we stay together: After the hot night he had to be away for work for a couple of weeks, then I moved to a different city to go to U. We emailed for a bit, things cooled down, eventually we stopped emailing. When we reconnected last November, he explained after our long distance communication "cooled off", eventually he started dating someone else who actually got pregnant. They moved in together and had the baby. Today, a 9 year old child but they didn't stay together. Thank you for all the questions, this is really helping me understand myself. Link to comment
summernite Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 I know. You are correct. Just trying to figure this out. Thanks for your input. Link to comment
summernite Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 I have thought about it, this is changing my phone number. This would solve part of the problem, but still leaves me with the internal conflict wanting to understand why this is happening to me. Link to comment
summernite Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 Change your phone number? I have thought about it. This would solve part of the problem, but still leaves me with the internal conflict wanting to understand why this is happening to me. Link to comment
summernite Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 I know it doesn't seem simple to you but it is--you a) make a conscious decision to stop it and then you put up with the unpleasant sensations of fighting off an addiction until you're over it. I do want to stop it. And I've tried. I think there is an unresolved issue that makes me fall into in over and over . I want to figure out why I am so vulnerable in this area so I don't fall for it again and again . Link to comment
summernite Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 Hello. Welcome to eNA. To get over this, either you tell and explain this guy to stop messaging you and proceed to ignore all subsequent messages, OR, you try to understand why he means so much to you. I'm getting curious about that night.. what's a night of sex that can't be surpassed in the 10 following years? - Why hasn't it been surpassed? - Could that be a sign that you're not sexually satisfied with your current partner? - Why did you and the second guy break up anyway? #9summernite*Join DateApr 2013Posts7I think I have been trying to understand why this guy means so much to me... -Why hasn't that night been surpassed? I have been wondering the same over and over.*In the last 10 years there have been times of great sex, no sex, quick sex, crazy sex, and a lot of love. And there isn't anything as satisfying as expressing sexually within a safe relationship.*There are 2 things I can think of that made the one night so special 1. Attraction, pure chemistry, just like strong magnets on each other. And this is weird because my BF is actually better looking than the other guy. *2. Also, the other guy can follow my body signals very smoothly; It's just like dancing: some people you can dance with well with others it's amazing. Not sure why.* -Is this a sign that I am not sexually satisfied with my current partner? definitely current partner thinks women don't need much sex. He assumes because "men need more sex than women", I should know he is always up for having sex. He expects me to initiate sex when I am "in the mood", so he doesn't have to risk me saying "no". This really bothers me, and he knows it. I hadn't realized how annoyed I was by this until I started chatting with the other guy. It's nice to be "lured" into it sometimes, feel desired and wanted. The other guy has no issues letting me know -ever so tenderly what he wants, why, when and how. I love that.* -Why didn't we stay together: After the hot night he had to be away for work for a couple of weeks, then I moved to a different city to go to U. We emailed for a bit, things cooled down, eventually we stopped emailing. When we reconnected last November, he explained after our long distance communication "cooled off", eventually he started dating someone else who actually got pregnant. They moved in together and had the baby. Today, a 9 year old child but they didn't stay together.* Link to comment
summernite Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 You are correct. I want to feel I am under control and calmly ignore any message s fron him. I do love my partner deeply and want to get over this nonsense. I have addressed the sex issues with my partner becausebi really dont think I should b the one initiating sex all the time Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Wow summernite, this is good. You are actually looking at this and seem like you genuinely want to resolve it and that means you're a step ahead of most. It honestly sounds like this is a bit of a wakeup call for you regarding relationships--past and present. You are sort of standing at crossroads of your life and it's time to speak up and ask for more of what you want. The answers may scare you, you may have to make some pretty harsh decisions in the future, but I can say as someone who has sort of been in your shoes at one time that you will be okay. Four decades of relationships have taught me that. Just be honest in your relationships, in the end that's what matters most. And be honest with yourself too. Interesting information about the guy and now I get why you both never quite meshed and went ahead and got together. I've had that same thing where one person just got all of my body signals where another one just didn't no matter what. It's pretty intoxicating, but my mother once said something to me about that--what you have horizontally may be amazing, but remember you have to get out of bed and talk to them sometime. Sadly with the guy who I had amazing sexual chemistry when I got out of bed I didn't even like him, much less want to spend any time with him outside of the sheets. So not fair, but as I've gotten older I've also gotten a bit more open, if you will, about teaching my partners how I like to dance. Just a thought. Link to comment
summernite Posted October 5, 2013 Author Share Posted October 5, 2013 It honestly sounds like this is a bit of a wakeup call for you regarding relationships--past and present. You are sort of standing at crossroads of your life and it's time to speak up and ask for more of what you want. Well, 5 months after my last post I have ended the 10 year relationship. Went through couple's therapy and tried to find out why I was so unsatisfied with this relationship. It turns out, my long term partner has been unable to fulfill my needs because I haven't been clear about them. Then, when I became clear about them with the help of lots of therapy he basically refuses to meet my needs. As a result, the relationship has come to an end. It's painful in the sense that lots of legal stuff needs to take place, but I feel relieved the relationship is over. As for my fling... oh my fling. He went away for a while, when he returned I explained I can have anything with him because I was developing feelings for him, and he is a taken man. I explained over and over I don't want to go after an unavailable man. He asked about my status and when I told him I was separating, we started talking more often and went on skype and on the phone.... complicated, but enjoyed every single second of it. I have asked him to stop, he has asked me to stop, but we haven't really stopped contacting each other. His GF wants to move in and have kids, but he doesn't; but as far as I know they still together. Last thing that happened, he told me that I was like a fantasy to him, that I was everything he wants in a partner. That he wants to pick up where we had left of 11 years ago and get to know each other better, hang out, etc. But (there had to be a but), he said he is not prepared to breakup with his GF because they've been together for 18 months, and all his friends and family like her, and his son likes her too. SO, he said it is going to take some time for him to get out of that relationship. But I don't know what to think. He knows I don't want to have anything with him as long as he is in another relationship. Last time we talked on the phone was 6 weeks ago. I told him that I feel bad for his GF, and that I have a crush on him (was this a mistake?). We haven't been in touch since then. Not sure what is happening. I think about him daily and miss talking with him. We haven't met in person, but I wish I could be next to each other to see how things develop and where they lead to.... Any comments? Summernite Link to comment
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