Hurtful words for me.. from my mom...

[Chrixy Selchi]

Hello everyone... I don't think that my problem is something that you can say "COMMON" for many others out there, but I just can't take it anymore.

 

I feel like my heart will stop every time me and my mother will fight because of financial, personal, and family problems. She always say " I wish you can die right this very minute." or "can you just get out of here and never return?" and sometimes "you are the most useless person I have ever known." and the worst is "I really wish I could turn back time, I would really have an abortion." (the last really make me cry like crazy)

 

I never hated my mother no matter how it hurts me loving her, I still do. But sometimes while I'm thinking alone in my bed i ask my self "is that really how my mother see me? a disappointment, a regret, a useless person?"

"how can others possibly see me in a positive way if the most important person in my life sees me in a very different awful way?"

 

every time my mother would say hurtful words to me, I would simply go to my room and cry quietly...

 

Sometimes I say to my self "maybe I'm really a bad person, maybe I should leave alone in a very far place, far enough so my mom can't see me or even hear my voice..."

 

can you give me some advice on how should I continue living my life with her? or I should just try living far away without her? do you think my mom would be more thankful if I would just disappear? please help me... because I might gonna lose it... Thank You very much...

[agent1607307371]

How old are you? I think living somewhere else would be a good thing for you, can you afford to do that?

[wolflovesmoon]

your mother loves you, but she is not expressing it in a healthy proper way, even if her motives is to encourage and push you to do better, what she is doing is not nice or acceptable by all means, if you have your own job, and can live on your own ( which is not as common as here in the US, due to tradition, i guess) i will advice you move out, or find some relatives who can take you in, maybe you need to go away for sometime and figure out how to live your life, maybe then she will realize what she is doing is wrong, sorry you have to deal with that, its not healthy

[Chrixy Selchi]

I'm 21 yrs old, employed. thank you very much for the advice... it makes me feel a lot better...

[wolflovesmoon]

I'm 21 yrs old, employed. thank you very much for the advice... it makes me feel a lot better...

 

Just get out of that house, look for a roommate and live your life, try and keep in touch with your mother, life must have been hard on her, not an excuse to treat you in such a way but, try and show her that you love her no matter what, Good luck

[KarenC]

So sad!

 

Your Mother is undoubtedly wrong and heartless towards your emotions.

 

She's taking your existence for granted, however; she is your Mother so I wouldn't dare tell you to disrespect her because in life -- we only get 1 Mother and you don't want to do or say something that you will later regret.

 

She's wrong as 2 left shoes and since you can't talk to her -- I'd suggest that you break contact with her by getting your own place but do it with respect because life is short and we just never know if/when it'll be our last time seeing or talking to someone.

 

Tell her that you love her and that you just can't take it anymore and move away.

 

I know someone that was abused (verbally, emotionally, and physically) by her Mother all of her life (just as you have been) and/but she was diagnosed with Cancer and her Mother is now at her every beckoning call.

 

Her Mother apologized, cried, and is very sorry now for ever mistreating her Daughter and the sad part of it all is that her daughter never talked back to her...She would just take those words and cry!!!

 

The way that she found out that her Daughter had Cancer was by her ridiculing her daughter to 1 of her other children by belittling her weight loss, her hair, her looks, and just being very mean and it took all of that for her wake up and be loving and she did.

 

I wish you well but don’t pay attention to her words because you're a young woman and you have a whole life ahead of you and/so you have to live, be happy, be strong, and remain focused.

 

Blessings!

[becomingkate]

There's definitely something wrong with your mom - I don't know what happened, but she's really showing signs of some kind of mental illness. Sometimes it gets to the point where they've cut off almost everyone, save for a few that still love them and can seemingly handle the abuse.

 

If you're 21, try to put some space between you and your mom for awhile. Sometimes it helps to be away for a few months at a time.

 

When I left home, I'd gotten a job out in the mountains and it had staff housing right next to restaurant and gas station. I liked the independence without having to pay rent & utilities. I was able to save enough money to move to Edmonton at the end of the season.

 

Resorts all over the world are hiring now. I'm not sure where you're from, but these types of jobs offer a lot to someone in your circumstances.

 

Good luck!

[Chrixy Selchi]

@KarenC - Thank you very much for your piece of advice.. God bless...

 

@becomingkate - Thank you...

[KarenC]

@ Chrixy, may God bless you as well and I pray that things word out for you and your Mother. Blessings & Hugs!

[Jim Wormold]

It's called emotional abuse and I would get out there fast.

 

Once you have done that I would suggest taking steps

to reflect on your own behaviour. Read up as much as you

can on verbal/emotional abuse.

 

The reason why I say that is because abuse usually runs down

generations. You associate love in that way and it completely

messes up future relationships - voila - heartsore and regret.

 

It's all very well serving up clichés about nice sweet one-and-only

mothers - but what you have gone through is very dark.

 

You can carry on being abused, while you think you are

loving her. However she wont notice and it wouldn't change

a thing. It's like trying to have a logical conversation with an abuser

- forget it. Do searches on emotional abuse and signs or symptoms.

If you try to talk it over, an abuser plays the victim, jumps wildly from

one topic to another, lies, denies and will never ever take responsibility

for actions.

 

I speak from experience. I am 43 now - I should have taken stock

a earlier.

[Tanzi]

Hi Chrixy, I was so saddened by your story but I don't believe for one moment your mum means what she says. It sounds like she has anger issues. How is she after she has said these things? Is she apologetic? I ask this because my daughter had anger issues. She is a loving person who I see as my best friend. When she gets angry however, she can say some pretty nasty things. However as soon as she has said them, she is overcome with grief. She just can't control her emotions.

 

Remember that whatever is going on, the problem lies with your mum not you. As hard as its going to be, until you can find a place of your own, you are going to have to be the bigger, better and stronger person and try to avoid biting back - to avoid further confrontation - and so.as not to let this dictate the person you then become. I'm sure you can do that. The fact that you have come on here seeking advice already shows a strength of character that your mother doesn't possess and it is obvious you recognise that her behaviour isnt normal.

 

Do you have any other brother and sisters?

[Chrixy Selchi]

@Jim Wormold Thank you...

 

 

@a-little-blue.. my mom never apologize I'm always the one who do the apologizing part... and every time I do, she always mock me saying things like "are you an actress?!" or "please just cut it out I don't even care.!" things like that hurts me more...

I have a brother and a sister but both of them lives outside the country and to tell you the truth I don't know if they would even care for me & my mom... that is why even though I wanted to leave her, I just can't because she is my mom.. but if leaving her would be the best for the two of us, then let it be...

 

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[Jim Wormold]

@Jim Wormold Thank you...

 

 

@a-little-blue.. my mom never apologize I'm always the one who do the apologizing part... and every time I do, she always mock me saying things like "are you an actress?!" or "please just cut it out I don't even care.!" things like that hurts me more...

I have a brother and a sister but both of them lives outside the country and to tell you the truth I don't know if they would even care for me & my mom... that is why even though I wanted to leave her, I just can't because she is my mom.. but if leaving her would be the best for the two of us, then let it be...

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

I am sorry to say this, because I know this feeling very well, but you

may have to think now about your welfare only. That is your priority.

I also left the country and my sister, who stayed, took all the emotionally

abusive traits of my mother (and my divorced father).

 

So yes, it means somehow that we also became fragmented because

I was hurt by my sister....and even my niece too. You think these kids

are cute when they are small, but if they grow up in such an environment

things can change. Fortunately for me, I was always a questioning person

but the abuse did turn me into a loner for lengthy periods. Dont be scared of getting

into a relationship (if he seems right), because its a time to learn and correct

all the damaging aspects of your upbringing. Once you have recognised such

symptoms you will also be prepared for choosing the right partner better.

 

Read as much as you can about this. Find friends or a therapist to talk to.

 

I had never noticed though just how authoritarian an emotionally abusive

parent can be towards their kids.

 

No matter how much one tries to explain, confide in them regarding other

issues in your life or show hurt, the empathy and compassion is simply not there.

 

Such people do not regret. I tried everything (incl. taking my father to a counselor)

and got all the classic signs in return from both parents: playing victim

(emotional manipulation) when things dont go their way, lies, denials,

jumping wildly from one topic to another when the pressure is on, seeing absurd

conspiracy theories everywhere against them, and excuses, excuses, excuses.

Language characterised by "didnt mean it that way", "sorry if/but ...", etc.

Never "please forgive me" (- full stop). And always expecting immediate

forgiveness, while never even asking for it. The next day arrives and they

act as though nothing had happened. Its crazy-making.

 

I think that, besides seeking to understand how it has influenced your behaviour

(which may only come out in a relationship), the other tough part is finally accepting that

no amount of discussion or "loving them" will help. You could try distancing yourself

with minimal contact at first and see how that goes (which is what a counselor advised me).

 

If your visits turn into what you have described to us, then you may have to decide to break

contact entirely (the hurting just becomes too much and every bit of communication just increases

that). I didnt have it in me at your age to cut contact, but I didnt understand as much

about my situation though either, as you do - learning from others. I was really naive.

 

Never lose your ability to empathise, to feel compassion

and to love. Dont let it make you bitter, but do allow all the anger to come out so

you can "let go" and finally live a normal happy life.

 

Please know how sorry I am for you.

[Chrixy Selchi]

@Jim Wormold - You know you're right, sometimes I feel like my heart is already turning into stone, like I lose the ability to care, to trust, and even to love other people. but thank you for reminding me that I should never lose it... maybe I really should get distanced... I think I should talk to my mom about it... thank you very much...

[Tanzi]

@Jim Wormold - You know you're right, sometimes I feel like my heart is already turning into stone, like I lose the ability to care, to trust, and even to love other people. but thank you for reminding me that I should never lose it... maybe I really should get distanced... I think I should talk to my mom about it... thank you very much...

 

I agree, never lose sight of how different you and your mum are.

 

I am with everyone else, I think you need to put some distance between you and your mum. That doesn't mean you never have to see her again or abandon her in any way but, for your sake, I think you need to create your own life now, where you can flourish and be the person YOU want to be and surround yourself with people with healthy attitudes. Do you have any contact with your brother and sister? Would it be impossible for you to start afresh with either of them?

 

I'm not sure that you are going to hear what you want to hear if you speak to your mum about moving out, however. It seems she has a negative attitude towards whatever you do or say, so whether you stay or whether you go, she won't have anything positive or helpful to say about it. You need to speak to people who can listen to you without bias and who can advise you properly. Do you have any aunts or other relatives you can turn to, if not your brother or sister, or who live closer to you?

[Chrixy Selchi]

@Little blue - yes I have some relatives but were not really close to them... its because of my mom... my mom is their sister in another mother who unfortunately only child... so in my mother's side I don't have any relatives who's alive... in my father side their all dead... so I don't have any relative except to my sis and my brother.. unfortunately were not so close.. so I think if I'm going to separate my self from my mom it would be better to do it all, on my own... but thank you for your advice...

[Jim Wormold]

Speaking from experience, though everyone has a different situation,

staying with relatives for a longer period than just a visit can also

spell drama. They aren't used to it, which is fair enough. However,

for you to have to deal with potentially two family traumas at the same

time can be harsh.

 

Maybe later you might want contact with the relatives you stayed

with, but then your memories would be tainted. Also, confiding

in them may not provide the validating effect you had hoped for.

They would feel caught between loyalties, or they may just not

be that sensitive. I was told to "get a thicker skin" or "laugh it off".

You would feel even more alone. Friends should be on your side

though, if they are good friends.

 

Maybe you can find a nice flatmate(s)? It's a great learning experience,

often fun...and a whole new environment would really help to ease your

mind a bit.

[Jim Wormold]

... I'm not sure that you are going to hear what you want to hear if you speak to your mum about moving out, however. It seems she has a negative attitude towards whatever you do or say, so whether you stay or whether you go, she won't have anything positive or helpful to say about it. ...

 

I agree with this. I also think that whichever way you go, you

should decide beforehand what it is you want from a conversation

with your mother. If it is to say you want to move out, then you

should stand by that and not be swayed by possible emotional

manipulation like crying, etc. After all, she wouldnt be expecting that

and she would think of her own interests - being left alone.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I would be surprised if she

didn't play such a card. 21 years old (and employed) is the perfect

age to move out, regardless of whether you get on with your mother

or not.

 

Anyway, being clear about what you want and expect beforehand, and following

your gut instinct, is the best way usually. You know your situation better

than us of course (and I am not a therapist).

[Tanzi]

@Little blue - yes I have some relatives but were not really close to them... its because of my mom... my mom is their sister in another mother who unfortunately only child... so in my mother's side I don't have any relatives who's alive... in my father side their all dead... so I don't have any relative except to my sis and my brother.. unfortunately were not so close.. so I think if I'm going to separate my self from my mom it would be better to do it all, on my own... but thank you for your advice...

 

That is fair enough but you don't have to separate in the sense that you never have to see her again or have contact with her again. You are just moving out to live by yourself.

 

I agree with this. I also think that whichever way you go, you

should decide beforehand what it is you want from a conversation

with your mother. If it is to say you want to move out, then you

should stand by that and not be swayed by possible emotional

manipulation like crying, etc. After all, she wouldnt be expecting that

and she would think of her own interests - being left alone.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I would be surprised if she

didn't play such a card. 21 years old (and employed) is the perfect

age to move out, regardless of whether you get on with your mother

or not.

 

Anyway, being clear about what you want and expect beforehand, and following

your gut instinct, is the best way usually. You know your situation better

than us of course (and I am not a therapist).

 

... And I agree with this.

 

To be perfectly honest, if you stay, she will continue to make you feel not welcome but, if you tell her you are going, she will manipulate your feelings so you feel like you have to stay. Be sure of what you want and have a plan of action ready. Then when the time comes tell your mum of your decision and make sure you stick with it. If you tell her too soon she will play on your emotions and stand in your way of you being able to make any healthy decisions.

[Chrixy Selchi]

Jim Wormold and a-little-blue thank you very much... I'm planning to move out... but I'm still hoping that someday my mom will come looking for me because she miss me... I just can't hate her no matter how bad she is towards me... because she is still my mom... and nothing in this world can change that fact, even I... so I'm just going to continue doing things according to God's will, and I will continue to pray for her to change... don't get me wrong I don't hate my mom or anything... I'm just being so hurt by her words, but I love my mom no matter what... and your advice really brings good Ideas to me, on how to deal with it...... Thank you very much.. God bless...

[Jim Wormold]

...... Thank you very much.. God bless...

 

Hm, well, I am an atheist, but I understand your gesture and wish you all

the best too! My pleasure - glad I could help others.

 

I went though a christian upbringing, but never gave my consent

to my parents to access my unformed vulnerable mind in that way as child.

In the same way that my body and emotions should not have been "accessed"

in other ways.

 

This may seem difficult to imagine now after what you have been through,

but don't forget to have some fun too! You are moving on to a new exciting

phase in your life and I suspect that you will still be untangling all the

harm that was done to you for the rest of your life. Hope that doesn't

scare you You will be fine - just keep questioning like you did here.

 

Please feel free to PM if you ever feel the need.

[tjcalif]

Hi

I wrote you an email but it will not go through. I would really like to share with you I have the same mom. She does the same thing. I am 46 and I just now she the damage threw my own life and the choices I have made. I really hope you are alright.

Tammy