Feeling very down & apathetic..

[Lily04]

I usually don't like discussing my emotions, but since this is an online forum perhaps there's some people that can relate and help..

 

First off, I am usually a very driven, motivated individual. Many people consider me intelligent. In high school I had a high (92%) average, received numerous athletic, extra-curricular & academic awards, and was generally a happy individual. To put succinctly, I felt like my life had some meaning to it.

 

Now I am in my 2nd year attending a top university in the country. I used to be ambitious in my first year, and off and on up until now. But lately I have felt all my ambition just drained from me. I feel lost. I think about how quickly time is passing and it depresses me greatly. I feel like I haven't achieved enough, and I don't see myself achieving much in the future. I've always wanted to be a lawyer; however, I feel like the effort needed to contribute to that goal isn't worth it, because I will be disappointed in the end. I've never considered giving up before, but now I feel like it is a reality. I'm not sure if my grades will be high enough, and I don't want to try and fail anymore. At the same time I can't imagine doing anything in life besides being a lawyer or going to grad school, which may not be a possibility. I don't know what to do. I'm considering changing universities, but I don't know..I feel like it would be such a failure, and at the same time I'm worried about the consequences. I won't get into them, but I have to say that I really don't want to switch. I really like my university despite the fact that it is comparatively difficult..

 

I am also worried because I have been thinking of suicide a lot lately. Right now mostly just in a philosophical sense..I'm trying to determine if there are any times that it is legitimate, what is the purpose of life, etc. I'm trying to grapple with some issues but at the same time there is an antithetical drive that suggests such an effort is ultimately worthless. I can't really see myself doing anything like that now, but in 3rd year or 4th especially I can see it as a real possibility. I was in the mall just a few days ago at closing time and they were playing classical music, and there was an indoor pond and I felt such a sudden urge to just merge myself in that element..of course not in the pond, but if I were to commit suicide, I would probably do it by drowning. Either that, or if possible, a needle of some kind..taking pills doesn't offer enough finality..

 

In any case, I really don't know..it's just thoughts now. I just don't see much of a point to my life, to continue living..

 

I don't have many close friends. I don't talk with any friends on a daily basis..although my family cares for me a lot. My sister is probably my best friend, and I'm close with my mom. I know my mom would be devastated if anything happened, she would probably go crazy. She's told me this numerous times..she is somewhat depressed herself because she has a disease and her marriage is sorta broken..so it's sorta selfish for me to think of doing anything drastic, because of these ties & the consequences, but at the same time I can't really help it..my parents have such great aspirations for me that I will probably never live up to, and I don't want to disappoint them.

 

I'm just so apathetic..for the first time I'm seeing all my obligations, all of my desires and plans..and saying I don't care. But at the same time I don't know how to deal with this state..I've always been somewhat above the norm, and couldn't really internally justify anything less..I'd rather commit suicide than watch myself graduate and end up working at McDonalds or do something that I really don't want, because I never had the qualifications to achieve what I wanted.

 

I just don't know what to do..I haven't really been eating much lately, or doing homework, and I've been sleeping in later and missing classes. I just don't care anymore...and it's almost 1:00 a.m. and I still haven't started my homework that's due tomorrow, and I know I'm not going to do it. At this point failure doesn't even faze me..I already feel dead inside, what's the point...

[lelou]

you really have to make yourself get out of it. i have been where you are and it ruined my relationship with my boyfriend of 12 years and it got me nowhere. i was in school and it was SO hard. all my energy drained. i became depressed. all i thought was, is this what life is going to be like forever? it seemed so pointless. but as someone who is now graduated and sees that there is a point for it all, don't give up!

 

you need to make sure you balance your life. i wish i did. i was so tired i would just sit at home while all my friends, including my boyfriend were out enjoying life. on top of that all i did was think why me? and complain and just act like my life was hopeless. no matter how tired you are, get out of the house when you can. it is the only way to get your head out of this. don't ignore loved ones. and realize, as hard as it is, once you are out you will be one of the luckiest people in the world. not everyone has the chance to be a lawyer. not everyone has the chance to help people. you are very lucky! life is great and we are lucky just to be able to breath, eat and love. i learned it the hard way, and i lost a lot of people in my life. but i will say my life is pretty good now, and now i look back and think why did i think it was so bad? things pass, and there are good times to be had!

[Lily04]

Thanks..that helps a bit I suppose. I've considered the minimalist assumption as well..i.e. just be happy with the minimal thnigs in life - i.e. food, water, shelter, love, altruism..but it is really hard to accept. I still have the LSAT I suppose..I haven't taken that yet. If I do really well, I'll take that as a sign that I should be a lawyer..but I don't know. I'll probably just fail that as well. I don't even really want to think about that now..

 

In any case, I'm goign to bed..thanks for the reply..

 

sparrow

[lelou]

well, i know it is hard to see now b/c everyone told me the same thing (by the way I changed my major last minute and it added 2 more years to my education, so I understand the stress of the possiblilty of not graduating with what you originally planned). but, it is true. i ended up becoming a journalist, i am so thankful that i didn't end up doing graphic design (which was my original plan). you sound smart and i have been where you are. but it is really true, all this depression, i promise, you will look back and wish you hadn't dwelled on it so much. college is so high pressured, but your smart, go with your heart. your still 19, i didn't even graduate until i was 25! some of my friends are still in school sad to say. and your not going to end up at mcdonalds...

[Lily04]

LOL at the last part thanks. That actually did help. I completely forgot about journalism, I suppose that can be my back-up plan. I quite enjoy it actually =) I'm a current affairs writer on my school's newspaper, a Minister of Events on my school's student governing council & a member of the political science students' association, attending an ivy-league college. So I think despite my marks, those extra-curriculars should be enough to ensure that McDonalds isn't in my future. It's just so disappointing..but I guess I should just keep my head up and try my best. Ironically I would say that my EQ is probably a lot higher than my IQ so I can always do well that way I suppose in getting references, etc. Even though I don't always get As, my profs. all really respect me & would give me all the support I need, I know that..and since I don't really have any friends or a boyfriend right now (I just broke up with him recently as well..) I need all the support I can get

 

well that message made me feel a bit better about myself..I just keep seeing the straight-A, scholarship student I was in high school & it is really deflating..but it's not just me it's the expectations. I got an A- on one essay in politics recently and my TA told me that only 4 out of the 52 kids he's marked got As. The class avg. was C+. So maybe it's not that I'm stupid, just that the expectations are unreasonably high? At the same time that's not incredibly comforting if I want to get into law school..

[lelou]

yea, i am glad i could help. i really have been where you are. and you sound so smart! you are just like me, probably a perfectionist. i always look at the 2 people i am behind rather than look at the 100s i am ahead of. i promise you, there were nights i cried thinking i might be homeless on the streets! and what an idiot, it took me so long to graduate. now i write for one of the the 10 newspapers in america and i love it! good luck!

[Berry]

Hey Lelou,

 

You're obviously a very intelligent person, so I don't understand why you're so afraid of failure. I think that you need to get out of that state of mind. I'm not sure exactly why you're feeling that way, but if you're life is pretty good on all fronts, maybe its some sort of chemical imbalance, and you should see a therapist about it.

 

I've taken the LSAT and I'm now in my last year of law school. I'm not sure what sort of school you're aiming to get into (1st tier, top 5, whatever) but if you've had enough drive to make it to a top college so far, believe me, you will make it to law school. You just need to focus and regain your ambition. You're only 19, thoughtful, and intelligent -- you've got the world ahead of you, and you are not going to end up at McDonalds!

 

But let me just tell you, on the flip side of things, you shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to succeed. In highschool, you might be a big fish in a small pond, and college may shake you up a bit in terms of self-confidence because the caliber of students is generally higher, and the competition tougher. Law school will just be another step up from that - there's alot of competition. But that's how life goes. You just have to realize that you can NEVER be the best at everything. There's alwasy someone smarter than you, brighter than you and more accomplished than you. If you're top 10% at UCLA Law, there's someone whose top 10% at Harvard. You get what I mean.

 

Just do your best and things will turn out okay!

 

Good luck.

[Berry]

sorry, i meant to address it to sparrow

[mgirl]

Hi Sparrow,

 

It sounds like you are burned out. If you have been 'achieving' all your life, then you are probably burned out. I was in the same position as you, doing a psychology course with the aim of becoming a psychologist, but in the final year of my degree, i just became apathetic also. I couldn't bring myself to do the work anymore, and i realised there were many more options for me out there. And now i am feeling good about my decision, so perhaps there is something out there you should be doing other than law.

Is it possible you are becoming a lawyer for all the wrong reasons (to please your parents perhaps? Or because it is a prestigious occupation?). There are many more things you can do. Have you thought about taking a year off study and having some fun?

[Lily04]

Hi,

 

I don't have time to respond to everyone's comments right now, but I do appreciate them. I don't think I'm burned out though, just quite apathetic. I'm not so much down anymore..sorta oddly accepting the reality of the situation.

 

And although it may have seemed like my marks are all great, they really aren't. I'm getting an A- in one of my coureses, but on the other hand I'm failing one of my courses (which will after the next essay, probably be bumped up to a C..but still) & am getting a C in another. So right now I have around a C+/B- avg. which is not good enough for law school.

 

I don't know..I know my school grade deflates but at the same time I just sorta want to quit it all, I'm so sick of this stupid system. Sometimes I get so frustrated and mad at myself, but other times (like now..I just got back an exam that I got a C on) I'm strangely apathetic. Like I don't even care anymore..I'll probably end up with a B avg. at the end of the day if I work hard, but I know that's insufficient and there's a part of me that just wants to fail and not care.

 

Right now I'm going shopping & am going to submit my resume to a store to work part-time for the Christmas season since I need a job..I don't want to think about this anymore, but it just comes back to haunt me every so often.