Berry

This is just my opinion...feel free to take it or leave it. I think it's very important how you communicate with him at this point. Just know that if he wants to leave, he will leave, and no amount of telling him how much you guys mean to each other, and all of what you have meant for each other for the past 6 years will do any good in bringing him closer to you. It is natural for you to try to reason with him, and bring him closer to you. Rather, it will push him farther away. If I were you, I would tell him that its a good thing that he wants time apart, and maybe you two should start dating other people. (and don't say this in a resentful or sarcastic tone). Try to say it as sincerely as possible. Tell him that he obviously gave this decision alot of thought, and that has certain implications for how you view your relationship. After you tell him this - be unavailable. He will call you soon enough (It is a 6 year relationship) You should be nice and courteuos, but don't wear your heart on your sleeve, and let your phoen go to voicemail a few times. This is just what I would recommend from prior mistakes/experiences. I know its playing games, but - thats what love is.

sorry, i meant to address it to sparrow

Hey Lelou, You're obviously a very intelligent person, so I don't understand why you're so afraid of failure. I think that you need to get out of that state of mind. I'm not sure exactly why you're feeling that way, but if you're life is pretty good on all fronts, maybe its some sort of chemical imbalance, and you should see a therapist about it. I've taken the LSAT and I'm now in my last year of law school. I'm not sure what sort of school you're aiming to get into (1st tier, top 5, whatever) but if you've had enough drive to make it to a top college so far, believe me, you will make it to law school. You just need to focus and regain your ambition. You're only 19, thoughtful, and intelligent -- you've got the world ahead of you, and you are not going to end up at McDonalds! But let me just tell you, on the flip side of things, you shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to succeed. In highschool, you might be a big fish in a small pond, and college may shake you up a bit in terms of self-confidence because the caliber of students is generally higher, and the competition tougher. Law school will just be another step up from that - there's alot of competition. But that's how life goes. You just have to realize that you can NEVER be the best at everything. There's alwasy someone smarter than you, brighter than you and more accomplished than you. If you're top 10% at UCLA Law, there's someone whose top 10% at Harvard. You get what I mean. Just do your best and things will turn out okay! Good luck.

Dear Flappy, Of course I dont know all the details of your relationship, but it seems to me that your ex is trying to "have her cake and eat it too." You were together for four years, so obviously you're "comfortable" for her (regardless of how strongly she may feel about you at this point romantically) and its easy for her to come to you for intimacy or company - but on the flip side, she doesn't want to be bothered or annoyed with questions about your future together - or how this may be impact you emotionally. I think this is very selfish. I know it hurts to imagine that she might be with someone else, or that she may leave you and find another person, especially because you've been with her for 4 years - and I'm sure she's like a part of you. But you've got to look out for yourself in this situation, because she's looking out for herself. This means, swallowing your pain and letting her go find what she's looking for, and if you want her to come to you on her own free will, I would suggest not showing her how much it hurts to see her with other guys. It's not that great of a feeling to have to always "fight" to keep someone's attention/affection -- that person should want to be there...and you deserve that sort of treatment. Don't shortchange yourself. I say you shut the door on her, and tell her to figure her life out before she comes back. Easier said than done - but nothing easy. That's my 2 cents.. Good luck!

Christopher Reeves died yesterday, but instead of looking at his life as a tragedy, I was in awe of it. He didn't have alot of things that most of us take for granted, but he had an amazing wife who truly loved him and stuck by him for better or for worse. When interviewed, his wife had said that she missed the simple things...having him hug her and put his arms around her...or brush her hair away...and intimate things couples share... but that her husband was still the man she married and loved, even if he was in a wheelchair. I was so incredibly touched...and felt encouraged and uplifted at the same time. Sometimes we get so jaded by hearing bad stories of heartbreak and betrayal and we don't pay enough attention to the true stories of love and commitment that do exist. That's the kind of love I want -- and that's the kind of love I think we all deserve and are capable of having and giving. If you're ex left you...for whatever reason...just let them go. I know it hurts, but its for the best in the longrun. Look at it as another shot at love and at life..and to have something that can be even more amazing than what you had with your ex. Someone out there will love you unconditionally and want to work through problems and struggles with you...and not run or escape from them.....and you owe it to yourself to find that love - and when you do, not to trample over it...but work through it with respect, kindness, honesty and commitment. My ex has been out of my life for a couple of months now. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt -- it does, and I know I still love him, and will for a long time. But I also love myself, and would never want someone to be committed to me when they didnt really love me. I know I deserve more...and I think we all do. I'm tired of beating myself up about this relationship and "what could've been." I've learned alot of valuable lessons not only about myself but about life.....and now I think I should look at "what could be." We have so much that we take for granted. Many of us are healthy, young, beautiful, funny, charming, and have countless other gifts. I, for one, will not waste another day wallowing in self-pity or hopelessness. Our futures are in our hands, and will be determined by our attitudes. I think Christopher Reeves was a great example of that sort of spirit.

Hey everyone, Though I haven't posted much, I have been following this board since I broke up with my fiance 3 months ago. Your insights have been very helpful and much appreciated. So my question is, for those who have been in long term relationships, have any of your ex's ever come back to you, after no contact for a very long time, and after cutting things cold turkey? The reason that I ask is somewhat egotistical. I haven't spoken or heard from my ex from the day that he ended it, and although I will never take him back, or be able to emotionally get past the fact the broken trust/betrayal that I feel, I feel like I will only be able to get true closure when he comes back to me, or expresses some remorse in breaking up with me. A little background to our relationship: My ex was 35, and I'm 24. He broke up with me 1 month after proposing to me, and it was a total shock to me and unexpected, because he was always the perfect boyfriend, and never gave me any reason to suspect he was unhappy or not in love. 1 week later, he had his personal ads posted all over the net and urged me to "date" and do the same, and stated that we had "differences in values" that could never be reconciled. I know that many might say that this is pointless since there is no future -- but I need to feel that the year we spent together, the engagement and the proposal ultimately meant something to him. Or else...as it stands right now, I've lost all of my faith in relationships and "love" in general. If this doesn't happen, I dont think I could have another healthy relationship in the future, because I dont think I will able to ever trust anyone again.

Cynthia, Your story sounds very similar to mine. My ex-fiance proposed to me in April -- and completely surprised me by flying up both our families up to have dinner together at a really nice restaurant that night. A month and a half later, a couple of days before my law school finals, he tells me that our "values" are too different, and although he loves me, we will not be happy in the future together because we have "fundamental differences" that we could never reconcile. Why he didnt see these "differences" before he proposed is beyond me, but all in all -- it was just a cop - out. A week later, as im in tears -- puking --sleeping-- and in depression, missing him like crazy, my firend calls me and says he has his profile plastered all over singles sites on the net. I dont know what went on in his mind -- he is 35, and I'm 23 -- and I too feel like a fool that I could have never seen this coming - I always looked at him as the more mature one. I never expected it from him --and I wouldve trusted him with my life. I thought we were going to be together forever, and be a team forever. That's what hurts the most -- trusting and believing in someone with all of your heart only to realize it was a lie in the end. But take heart --it couldve been worse -- you saved yourself a divorce -- you deserve better, we all do -- and god willing, we'll find our happiness soon.