My rant after contacting him and realizations I've made

[pandorasbox1]

Sorry to those of you who have had to read my threads for the past few days, but I find that this is a very constructive outlet for me.

 

For those of you who need some background info, read

 

So after deciding quite quickly yesterday to cut all ties with him, I caved today and I contacted him. After a nights sleep on the matter I started feeling really guilty and full of regret over it all. Did I do the right thing? Did I act irrationally? Could it have worked out? Maybe it was a misunderstanding... I weighed the pros and cons of calling him, but nevertheless I decided I should, if nothing else, just to say that I did absolutely everything in my power to be with him.

 

I called and told him I wanted him in my life, he said "We dont always get what we want". There was a lot of back and forth (I didnt beg) but he mostly responded with one word answers. He eventually said "You really up yesterday" to which I responded "I know, but so did you". He kept trying to play the victim; like he was so hard done by and that I was this heartless ***** for walking away from him after he dumped me. I said "remember who broke up with me first". He said "Im not sure how that matters". I said "Well you let me go before I let you go, twice no less" (He dumped me very early on in our relationship as well). He said "fine"

 

I apologized for the way in which I executed the whole thing because I really do feel like my timing left something to be desired (then again there isnt really ever a good time to have a conversation like that). I told him that I genuinely loved him and I cared about him a lot. I wanted this to work but that I didnt think it was fair for him to expect me to wait like that without so much as even a time frame or a guarantee that we would get back together. He kept trying to pass the whole thing off as him waiting for me but in truth I was waiting for him all a long. I told him explicitly I want a relationship with him not a "friendship" where he gets all the benefits of a relationship with me. I asked him to please understand where Im coming from. That I didnt want to delay any pain and suffering any further. I needed to consider myself a priority.

 

I told him how disappointed I was with his lack of effort on Saturday and he said that there was no way he would have spent extra time with me because that alone showed him that nothing had changed; I hadnt changed and he wasnt going to go back into a relationship like that. He accused me of trying to own him or possess him. He made it clear that even if we continued, I would not be 1st or 2nd priority. I said "Well obviously I expect more than you are willing to give me"

 

After his cold behaviour during this conversation I asked "So thats pretty much it for you then?" to which he responded after 2 minutes of silence "...pretty much". I told him that if in a few months he wanted to talk to me then he knew how to get hold of me. He said "We'll see". Eventually, I ended with "Bye" acknowledging that I said all I could and wanted to.

 

I feel that at this point I've done absolutely everything to save this without compromising the little shred of dignity I have left. I know I you will all say that I shouldnt have contacted him, but Im glad I did. In a sense I think I got some closure. His indifference and at times anger/ hatred spoke volumes about him and his character. I feel as though he handled everything very immaturely. I felt like he was so mad because like a child, I didnt give him what he wanted. I feel like his behaviour has been incredibly selfish and not once did he stop to think about how all this affected me. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and ultimately he couldnt choose one over the other so I decided for him by walking away.

 

He scolded me for giving him the "all or nothing" terms. But I think I have a right to dont I? Surely I deserve what I want in a relationship and if he isnt willing to give it then I have every right to walk away. Part of me is still incredibly sad and heartbroken and will be for some time still but another part of me feels a sense of relief. For now though I still have those crippling moments of self-doubt, wondering if I did the right thing. But I know for a fact that if I stayed, he wouldnt have changed in the slightest. If he didnt change he would never have been able to give me what I wanted out of a relationship and our reconciliation would have been short-lived. Its sad because he used to be this fantastic person that made the relationship feel fulfilling. However, I know I cant change him... He has to want to change.

 

The end

 

Any thoughts or input about my conversation with him? Any similar experiences/ realizations or something I may have overlooked? Am I on the right road to recovery/ healing? Advice for the road ahead?

[surfjon]

He doesn't want it anymore, sorry to tell you. If he's dumped you early on it was a huge red flag.

His cold demeanor and short answers on the phone reinforce that.

 

You asked "was that it for him" and he said "pretty much".

 

I too had to recently walk away from a 5 year relationship. She had become ambivalent, but not even to the extent your guy did, and I walked anyway.

 

You're right, you cannot change him, you can only change your view.

 

You need to walk away and focus on you and finding someone who wants to be with you. This guy does not.

It's hard to face, but I had to face the fact the girl I loved for 5 years wanted out and I let her out.

 

I'm living again and doing well, have a new girl and moving on in a strong way.

Hard as it is, you need to do the same....

[pandorasbox1]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. It truly does suck. But im glad that you are able to be happy again. It gives me hope that in time things will get better for me.

 

Thank you and I fully intend on doing that. Im not willing to settle for anything less than what I want

[Edmund Exley]

Its sounds like you expect him to fight for the relationship, which I understand. But you seem to be ignoring that he isn't interested in doing that. This all seems like a battle of wills and I think I would walk away.

[idkxxx]

How you're feeling now reminds me so much of how i felt during my break up. I'd swear to cutting all ties then text or message him later, regret it when he was an ******* back but then feel happy i did it at the same time because i felt it was another push in the direction of realizing i could do better. It is such a hard and emotionally draining thing to go through and from my own experience - it wasn't a one off.

 

I went through the ups and downs countless times. I cried and literally felt heartbreak. I had always thought the word 'heartbroken' was just a word and i didn't understand it but i felt my heart break everytime i thought of him.

 

After about a month i realized that he would never realize what he lost if i was still contacting him at times. I had basically nothing left in me. I, this time, cut him out for good. Numbers, texts, facebook, people who i had on Facebook that he hung out with who i wasn't really friends with, i chucked out any reminder of him. I really went hardcore on the cutting ties thing.

 

Of corse my emotions were still over the place. I would go from knowing i did the right thing to hysterically crying and wishing he would call. Deep down i knew, and i think you do too, that i did the right thing. I got by myself by knowing that and knowing regardless of what happens this break up needed to happen.

 

My break up ruined me in so many ways and i would vent on here so much and it truly helps.

 

If you want actual details of the entire thing just message me and id be more than happy to help you out. A girl on here and I messaged each other almost everyday through our break ups and it really helped to talk to someone who was going through it as well.

 

Him and i ended up getting back together. He ended up contacting me about a month after i had cut all ties begging me to at least talk to him. I gave him the chance to prove he had changed and he really did. Our relationship and ourselves were very immature and we both needed to grow up. Our time apart, although it seems short, really helped us to grow up and we actually have a mature relationship now and have not had any previous issues at all.

 

Don't hold out hope though. That's what crushed me the most was that hope i would receive a text or a call from him and when it didn't happen it set me back loads. I fortunately got extremely lucky for what happened with me and my boyfriend.

 

Message me if you want to talk.. xo

[pandorasbox1]

Edmund, I fully acknowledge that he isnt willing to fight and I think thats why I received some closure by speaking to him because his behaviour just confirmed that fact for me. I cant fight for someone who doesnt want me. Im trying to take the steps to move on from this and him

 

Thank you idkxxx will PM you shortly

[surfjon]

Raine,

Its a hard decision to make when with an ambivalent type of lover. I was just puzzled how after 5 years she was still "unsure of what she wanted". It places us in a very unstable place....do we wait it out? or do we bail?

 

I had to think about the reality of the last 2 years....would she call? would she stand me up" would she not include me in group plans? ?????

 

We had a great first 3 years, just what happened??

To go from a balanced relationship to a "one-up/one-down" type relationship is hard and puzzling.

 

What the ambivalent person does to the other is make them the de-facto dumper, which is what happened to me....

She wouldn't just end things...hell, she dumped me just before her BD and still kept the freaking gifts I got her! Go figure, she damn sure knew she was on the way out, I don't understand and never will and thats ok.....

 

I remember telling her "Just let me go, end this PLEASE" and she still made me do it....so hard to do.

 

In the end, I'm strong as hell, walking was the best and most powerful thing I could do. I feel so in control....she'll bum one day, but I don't care, I have a cool life and she's out of it now....

 

You have a cool life too, go out and live it alone for a while, you'll be amazed at who wants to share your awesome and wonderful life with you!! I'm just dating several nice girls, don't want exclusivity, and just really having a good time!

 

GO DO IT!!!