I pulled the trigger this time... I need support/ reassurance

[pandorasbox1]

I apologize for the length

On saturday I posted this thread about how I was feeling incredibly disappointed in my ex of more than a month.

Summary: He broke up with me after we were both unhappy for a while. We have been in regular contact and were trying to get back together. We both had issues we needed to work out... However it was all on him to decide when we would get back together. He said he would wait for me to sort my **** out. I saw him for the second time on Saturday and things went well. We were affectionate but nothing sexual happened. After four hours, I left and found out my parents wouldnt be home till the next day so I invited him over to spend more time with me. I heard nothing from him till later that evening when he told me he "misread" the message (im not sure I really believe him). So instead of spending time with me he went out with his friends that he sees up to 5 times a week and sometimes twice on weekends. When we were together we would only see eachother twice a week at most and only ever on saturdays because Sundays were HIS day.

 

Lately I have been very unhappy with our current arrangement as I have felt that he hasnt really been showing me any proof or evidence to the fact that he wants to be with me (eventually). He hasnt fought for me... He hasnt given me any reason to hang on. Was this too much for me to expect of him? When he stood up my invitation on saturday without so much as a yay or nay, was proof of how little he was giving me and how little I was willing to accept from him. I asked him to leave me alone a while.

 

Today I decided to contact him and ask him hypothetically if he hadnt actually misread my message, if he actually would have come to visit me. He blatantly responded "No". Somehow I knew that would be his response. I told him that I was unhappy and that I couldnt carry on like this anymore... Either he wanted to be with me or not. I feel I have collected myself and Im a lot better than I was toward the end of our relationship and I was ready to be with him again. However, it was still all on him WHEN we would get back together. I guess my perspective changed when I was with him on Saturday. There was nothing left between us anymore. There was no chemistry at all. I didnt feel all that into him. I still love him, but I think all that is left between us now is comfort and complacency.

 

I think I've come to realize that to some extent he was stringing me along. He enjoyed the freedom of being single, seeing his friends when he wanted, doing what he wanted without having to answer to anyone, while still having the security of having me waiting for him on the sidelines. It was all about him. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too... and in many ways I let him. In my heart I know I made the right decision for me to cut all ties. He wouldnt have changed; he wouldnt have loved me more, appreciated me more, or even gotten up to win me over again had we carried on the way we were. I was expecting him to make an effort when he knew he could get away without making an effort... That I would always be there no matter how little he did.

 

He seemed surprisingly blase about the whole thing... I know he got angry by what I was saying and maybe thats why he was having a whole **** you attitude towards the whole thing. He wasnt bothered to even ask me to reconsider... He just resigned to it all which hurts... but im not sure what else I expected from him. I hated having to leave things in a state of anger and resentment. I dont want to feel that way towards him. I wished him well and said that I hope he finds what he is looking for in someone else to which he responded "huh... yeah". Part of me thinks he is scared that he wont ever find what he had with me (and I know he wont) which is why he tried to do the whole ambiguous friends/ not friends thing with me... He didnt want to lose me forever but at the same didnt want to be in a relationship with me.

 

Im surprisingly okay with my decision. I think I knew this moment would come eventually, if not now then maybe a week or month from now... It still hurts really bad and it sucks that I lost someone that I had so much in common with and that I thought (and still do to some extent) was the one for me. Part of me wants to run after him and beg but I know it will only hurt me more. Part of me still hopes that in a month or so he will wake up and realize what he lost... But i know I shouldnt hold my breath. I know him well enough to know that based on principle and pride that he wont come crawling back.

 

I still have a few things of his that I need to return. When is the appropriate time to do this? I think I will send his things via Courrier. I cant bring myself to delete his pictures just yet... And im not sure when I will. I wish we could still be friends but I know it will never work.

 

In all honesty, Part of me is filled with instantaneous regret... but I keep trying to reassure and assert myself by knowing that I did what is right for me.

 

Have any of you had similar experiences? What choices did you make? How did things work our for you? I fear I will never meet someone who was as smart/sexy/attractive/funny/similar interests. In many ways I feel a breath of new life in me, but im still incredibly sad. Will he ever realize his mistake? Please share your experiences

[Av8torwillieb]

I have been following your threads for some time as I have been in a very similar situation except I feel my ex was much more manipulative and there was another guy involved. One day on here I may post my story as it was a 3.5 year relationship, me 24 her 21, we lived together for 2.5 years has been a 9 week post BU saga and I think it could help others.

 

Unfortunately, I'm just about in the same boat as you, this past Sunday I did the same thing as you. I decided I couldn’t be stuck in limbo anymore and was indicating I was letting her go through text. She pleaded for me not to saying "I love you so much, I beg you not to completely let go" and asking "What do you want? Me? or Without me?" When I say I want all of you, I won’t settle for less and I won’t share you. We then talk a bit about what will be different etc. and then she calls and is talking about future plans, moving in together, etc.

 

When she comes over that Sunday to talk, I can see it in her eyes that she isn’t ready/willing or whatever to commit and she confirms this. I end the talk, say a quick goodbye and begin to walk through my door when she says "I want you back" with tears in her eyes. I come up to her and say let’s be together and she proceeds with more uncertainty, it was clear that she isn’t ready, confused, doesn’t know what she’s wants. I ask her not to contact me and she asks "what if I want to be with you" I say no, please don’t. So I let her go, walked in my house, and felt an enormous weight off my shoulders. The next day it started eating me up how cold and numb I felt during the talk so I sent a final email wishing her the best, re affirming its best we not speak, but to know to come knocking on my door if she finds that she wants to see where things go with me in the future.

 

The girl is confused, she may come back, she may not. This is only the first day of no contact, since I sent the email yesterday, and I'm sad, I still love her, but I feel such relief. That Sunday I deleted her texts, blocked her on FB, cleaned up pictures of us together on social media, and asked my brother to change his FB password (I was using it to see her profile).

 

We can't control anyone else’s actions or how they feel, we can only take control of our lives and I'm confident that both you and I did the right thing letting this go. They have to figure things out for themselves and a timeout and space away will clear both of your heads. We may both find that we don't want our ex's after we have some time to heal and move on and our egos are restored. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will hear from her in a couple of months, maybe even more than a year wanting to give things another shot and by then I feel like I probably won't want to.

 

I hope this helps in some way, you’re not alone, I too sometimes second guess myself a bit, but deep down I know it’s for the best. I share your same fear about never meeting someone as smart/sexy/attractive/funny/similar interests but I'm confident I did all I could and trust that God has someone special out there for me and she will come around when the time is right.

[mhowe]

He just really didn't' want to be in a relationship...and when you called him on it, as you should have --- he is fine. Without a relationship.

 

You cannot be friends...because you care about him way more than he cares about you. Send his stuff to him and move on.

[pandorasbox1]

Thank you for your response and I appreciate that you have been following my posts. I have been an emotional wreck all day, breaking down from time to time. I guess I delayed these feelings by remaining in his life for the past month.

 

One day when you decide to post your story, I will be one of the first to read it im sure.

 

The difference between the two of us is that your ex atleast made an attempt to stop you from walking out of her life. Mine made no such move. He even said "What? do you expect me to run after you or something?" and I said "yeah, I do actually, atleast then I would know that I actually mean something to you". He didnt run after me...

I know right now he isnt ready for a relationship and Im mad at myself for sticking around thinking that in a month or two we would be back together. He is in a phase where his life is all about him and I didnt feature in any part of it and if we were to get back together, Im not sure how long he would have made me wait.

 

What bugs me is the fact that he kept saying he was willing to wait for me to pull myself together. He had a lot to work on too yet he only seemed to think it was me with the problem. Another thing is that he kept trying to emphasize was the way in which HE was waiting for me, when in fact it was ME who was waiting for HIM. He had the upper hand and he would decide when/ IF we got back together.

 

It truly sucks and when I think about him I end up in tears and heartache. Although I doubt he will contact me, part of me hopes he does. I still have this small amount of hope that he will see the error of his ways and change for the better and come back to me... But I know that this would take a long time for him and by that time I, too, am not sure I will want any of it anymore.

 

Thank you. Its always good to know im not alone and someone out there is hurting as much as I am. I wish I could share your optimism and strength, but I havent been able to delete any photos as of yet. The conversation ended on bad terms and Im debating whether or not to send him a heartfelt message wishing him well...

 

I hope to hear more from you

[mhowe]

Do not send him a message --- whether he is right or wrong about you pulling yourself together, it will only reinforce that you are not.

 

You broke up w/ him as a test --- that he failed, in that he doesn't want to chase after you. And he isn't all of a sudden come around.

 

He really didn't want the relationship. You have to accept that and let it go....you cannot talk him into it.

[pandorasbox1]

thank you. I suppose I will be going full NC. It hurts a lot but I know I can get through it. I hate having to leave things on bad terms but its the way it has to be I guess... Thanks for your response