Is 9 years too much when I'm 17?

[Sarita]

Hello all,

 

I am brand-spanking new to this forum but have been reading the posts and you seem to give good and productive advice. I require assistance with an issue that is plaguing me and believe that your dispassionate opinions could be invaluable.

 

I am a seventeen-year-old girl in my first year of music studies. One of my classmates and I have become very close over the last few months. It began as a beautiful and supportive friendship but has gradually grown into something more. Problem? He's 26, nine years older than me.

 

The issue of maturity is one that is raised often in this forum. While I do not claim to be fully mature (I am still very, very young) I do not believe that I am at the same stage in my life as many seventeen-year-old girls. For one thing, I graduated from high school a year early and am living independently. For another, there are circumstances in my past (sexual abuse) that caused me to grow up very fast at a very early age. I realize that I still have a lot of emotional growth ahead of me, but I believe in the difficult transition between adolescence and adulthood, I am closer to adulthood. Also because of my emotional baggage, it has been very hard for me to learn to trust. I have struggled with low self-esteem and poor self-image my entire life, viewing myself as damaged and undesirable. This man makes me feel strong and beautiful. He makes me trust him. He makes me feel special and whole. I am truly happy with him.

 

We have made no attempt to hide this attachment. So far, friends have been cautiously supportive. They tell me to be careful, but they also see that I am happy and gaining confidence and so support the relationship. The only major dissent has been from my older sister. While she has not forbidden me from seeing him, she has made it quite clear that she thinks this is a bad idea and I will only end up hurt again. I love my sister dearly and cannot easily discount her opinion.

 

What are your takes on this situation? Should I give this relationship a try, or am I just setting myself up for more pain?

[thatguy04]

Well, personally, I don't see any big problems with this situation, as you two seem happy together, and the people around you don't seem too negative on the subject either. I say go with it, see what happens. I'm sure the two of you will be just fine together. However, as your sister may have said to you, still be careful. I don't think he is the kind of guy to do this, but most guys around that age with girls younger than they are tend to do things....But like I said, I doubt he would anyway . Good luck with the relationship.

[coolkiss]

ANY MAN THAT AGE SHOULD BE "LOCKED UP" FOR THOUGHTS OF BEING WITH A girl AS YOUNG AS YOURSELF... WATCH OUT

[sasha505]

Go for it. I'm your age, I had a wonderful relationship with a 28 year old male friend of mine for a few months, we're no longer together but it didn't have anything to do with the age gap.

 

Follow your heart but just don't let yourself get sucked in by things that people say - in other words be smart and look after yourself.

[thatguy04]

I was trying to avoid that, but coolkiss has a good point, most men that age should'nt be around girls your age. But I probably avoided it because like you, I had my experience, except it wasn't from first hand, but my parents. They have a large age difference like you and your guy friend, but then again, they didn't meet around your time. Still though, I say good luck with the situation.

[Mr. Cactus]

I think it's a bit rough saying the bloke should be locked away. That said, I think you are a bit too young to embark on a deep and serious relationship with this person. But I see nothing wrong at all with having a deep friendship with him that could develop later on.

 

Maybe you could approach it from the perspective of being very strong deep and committed best friends. I know this is easier said than done, but you could do it with the understanding that when you are older, you could take it further. There should also be an understanding that you are free to go out with other men, even if your friend does not want to go out with other women. Afterall, when he is 30, you would be 21, and I wouldn't even give that sort of age gap a second thought myself.

 

I think the only aspect of this relationship I would criticise is that your 26 year old friend really should know better than this and should cool things off a little bit. He should let you grow and just aim to be a best friend at the moment.

 

Both of you have all the time in the world at your ages. If you both really care about each others best interests (a true indicator of love), then you should both be prepared to keep things on hold for a few more years. Anyway, being the absolute closest and best of friends is one of the most fantastic relationships you could ever have!

[RayKay]

My sister is 18 (the "oldest" 18 year old I know and does not look it either!) and actually will only date guys older than her and at least mid 20's as younger guys are too immature for her...her current bf is 26. They seem to have a great time so far, and its been a few months. Don't think it will last forever as she has plans to move but he is aware of that, but you know what, I don't think its that bad of a difference - age is definitely not what will separate them in the end.

 

I get the impression you are very aware of whom you are and where you are going, so that could be a good thing in such a relationship. I think at 26 being interested in a 17 year old is not that strange at all, not if you are pretty adult. If you were 15, than we would have some issues, but we don't know both of your mental/emotional states, you could be a great match.

 

So good luck whatever you choose to do

[Evelyn99]

I'd be a bit wary. You sound like a girl that can take care of yourself pretty well, but there's two things about this that worry me.

 

First is, why isn't he going out with girls his age? This isn't always true, but sometimes guys that just aren't very mature or are socially awkward wind up going out with girls a lot younger. I've seen couples like this get together and even get married and then she quickly outpaces him as they get older. The girl becomes /more/ mature and the guy is less, and then she's dissatisfied. But maybe at this point, as long as you're not serious about things, that's fine.

 

The other thing that worries me is that you might wind up in a more serious relationship than you're ready to be. I think most people approach dating much differently at 17 and at 26. Is he looking for 'the one' at this point? I'd be concerned if that's the case. At 17, you've got a lot of living ahead of you, and if you get involved in a relationship that gets deep fast, it might feel good now, but later down the road, I'm betting you'll wonder what you missed.

 

I guess my advice on both these points is the same - take it slow and take it as a relationship that's working /now/ - don't focus a lot on a future.

[drahcir]

Sarita,

 

thats really awesome......since you are both in college / university, you are more or less on the same footing as him. If you were in high school and he was in college, thats a bit different. I don't see the problem....i think its really great T

 

"this man makes me feel strong and beautiful. He makes me trust him. He makes me feel special and whole. I am truly happy with him. "

[somanaomi]

yeah...doesn't look like you'll have a major problem at all, if you both really like it each other then why not then? you can't avoid hurt, you'll have hurt in every relationship at one point.

[Yorkrose23]

I was in your situaiton at one time. I was 17, he was 29.

I don't like to compare people but let me just say that while I did enjoy the attention and the "fun stuff" it later on became apparent why he really wanted to see me. I ended up being hurt both physically and emotionally.

I felt stupid, and I was, like you, very mature for my age.

I know it sounds harsh and annoying when people tell you to be careful, but looking back on my own situation now, those people were right.

Since you're not yet 18, please be careful sweetie. Things can get ugly.

Being mature, it is easy to like older people. And it attracts older people when they see someone young who is so mature. But in your case, you may want to step back, examine the situation, and maybe try to a have a relationship after you're of age. If he really likes you as much as he claims, he will wait. Especially becuase he needs to understand that unitl you're 18, he could get into serious trouble.

[Jimbo10]

Hey, i just want to say: firstly, be VERY CAREFULL. Im a guy, i know how we think. 26 with a 17 year old IS NOT AN INTULECTUAL, NORMAL relations ship 95% of the time. THis guy should go after girls his age, you should go after guys around your age. You'll find that you will have more in common, and more to talk about proably.

 

But really, who am i? just take into account the oppinion of a guy your age, if that has any valour with you, otherwise....pice

[chicken]

hi i am your age and with a man that is older thaqn yours, i know what you are feeling and all i can say is it is down to you wether you think the gap is too big, no one can tell you what to do, my parents tried stopping me and my bf going out and now after just over 2years we are still together and verry happy!! i live with him. my parents ar not happy atall and some times it gets hard. but inly you can make the decision. i personally do not mind the gap and am extremely happy. hope this helps