Can this really be true?

[CutieGirl]

It’s been almost 5 months of no-contact after he left. After a lot of soul searching, I realized that my ex-bf left because he just couldn’t everything have his way. I would always give in after thinking things through, but on this issue, I just couldn’t lower my standards. I think he was more in love with “his way”, than he loved me. Me on the other hand, tried to give him the world, but I’m not a doormat.

 

I wanted marriage (maybe after 1 or 2 yrs of dating) He wanted to live together. I flat out refused. I don’t care what people say, men get lazy and unmotivated after moving in with a woman. When you peel back ALL the layers, living together is for people who are scared marriage won’t work out. They think a “trial marriage” is safer and wiser”, but it’s not; it’s a big lie and if people were more honest, they would see people seldom marry and have really success marriages when they’ve lived together first. I know there are many exceptions, but the rule is so overwhelming it can’t be ignored.

 

Anyway, he had two bad relationships before me (one ended in divorce, the other in her passing away). Never lived with a chick before, but all of a sudden he wants us to live together and “see” how we get along all the while professing his love for me and his desire to stay together. My response is why not just have faith that if you “show up” in marriage it’ll be OK.

 

So he left (saying it was because of something else). He didn’t want to even keep dating. His position was if we’re not on the same page, why keep dating? My question was what happened to truly loving someone?

 

I have been extremely depressed every since he left; everyday is a struggle and I think when the relationship ended the way it did, I lost faith in love all together. I have never loved a man more than this man and I tried to show it to him everyday. All the love and support I given to him meant nothing. Even though he was getting all a man could want, when he saw I couldn’t/wouldn’t budge on this ONE issue and he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too, he just threw the whole relationship away. I could see if I was cheating, disrespecting him, not supporting him, but none of those things were the case. He couldn’t see past having it how he wanted it.

 

So I asked myself: If he wanted me THAT bad, why not just marry me? It was his idea to marry one day so why destroy everything over this issue? Wouldn’t most men that are treated well and know she loves him in spite of his flaws want to keep her by his side?

 

I just don’t get it.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think you've just grown a little bit. No doubt you're right in your reflection. You both knew what you wanted as far as a future relationship, and the two of you hit an iceberg. It was the wise thing to go your separate ways. That doesn't make the loss any easier, but it's better now than wasting another day of your life without a future.

[mhowe]

You say you wanted marriage after a year or two --- so I am assuming you hadn't reached that place in the relationship.

 

And while your opinion on living together is valid for you -- he did not agree.

 

However, there was room for compromise --- own places until marriage....but neither of you took that option. And the response to "if he wanted me that bad, why didn't he marry me"....because it was too soon and your options were break up or get married. And he did live with a woman before -- I would guess he lived with his wife.

 

So --- bottom line, he didn't throw it all away. You did. And as you didn't want to compromise your beliefs, it was the right thing to do.

[CutieGirl]

He never lived with a women he had dated or married before. I would have married him a lot sooner than 2 yrs, but when he insisted that he would be sticking around, I stopped being scared that he would leave and settled into taking things slow. Then he'd get concerned that I stopped talking about wanting to get married. There was just no way to win. I didn't throw things away. I wanted to stay. I told him there's no rush and that I plan to stay to. I thought we just needed more time to just date until we reached his objective of "getting to know each other more."

What hurts is that he didn't have faith in me or himself that things would be OK and just left.

[Roka]

There is also the fact there is already a failed marriage and a woman that passed away for him. He may be apprehensive to take it to the next level, I'm sure those incidents were not easy for him to get over. Remember, there is a lot of baggage he may be carrying. I would not necessarily jump to the conclusion that he does not care for you because he is not ready for marriage at this point. Living together may be a better way to test compatibility before making a contract between the two of you. Wish you the best...