I am back again. BF walked out -On hold?

[baxxter]

Dear all,

 

It's been peaceful 3 years since my last visit here, and I thought finally found someone, but he walked out of our house this morning with all his stuff, leaving keys behind.

 

I am planning to heal with this forum, like I did in last 2 occasions, so please do give me all the advices.

 

I was living with my guy for about a year and we had ups and downs, sometimes we had fierce verbal fights over stupid things.

 

Every 3 months or so arguments escalate and he starts packing things (this is my house and he moved in) but never actually left. I have low self esteem and never do well in break-ups, and I cannot take his performance (packing and trying to leave) so I asked him never to walk out on me out of blue, but at least try talking first, which he agreed. I also said if he ever leaves while I was out I take that as the ending, so don't bother calling.

 

Lately, though, things were very stable, but we began having a serious problem regarding his family. This was on going issue but became more apparent in past few weeks.

 

Last Friday, he went out to deal with his family issue and I was not happy that he just went. So I didn't talk to him when he returned. (Thought better that way than start screaming.)

 

Next morning I went to work, and on return I found all his stuff packed away. He had his set of keys on my desk.

 

He said;

"We need some space. I can't be living when you ignore me all night, we need to be apart and rethink of the situation. I want to go on a break."

"I packed everything because you said if I go you won't take me back, but I don't want to break up with you and I just think we need some space."

 

We then talked and he ended up saying he over-reacted and he would stay.

 

Then I said I can probably never get over the fact he packed while I was out, ready to never return.

 

We then went to bed and I woke up and he was gone.

 

He called saying,

"We were still arguing till we went to bed. I need some time to work on my family issues and I can't do this while you and I continue to have issues around it. I haven't slept for 2 days and I am tired. I can't talk to you right now."

 

So here I am. In my eyes he made the statement to be out, but he denies. I really am not sure what he wants from me but I cannot forgive his actions. I love the guy and would do anything for him but this was a nasty blow. And I don't really believe in "on a break" thing.

 

1. do you think i should calm down and give him some space?

2. or do you think forget it and move on as soon as I can?

 

I need to be prepared for the worst, so am thinking this is the end, but don't want to jump to a wrong conclusion.

[FreedomRing]

What are the issues with his family?

[baxxter]

Family issue is money, and no about his money.

[Cherry009]

Can you give us any more info about the familiy issue? I dont understand why you ignored him after tried to sort out the family issue, it seems quite immature to me, but maybe i am way off? I dont know the family money issue.

[baxxter]

I really don't want to elaborate too much because I think it's trivial, but basically his family member has money issues and he keeps helping the person out. I want that to stop, because it was preventing us financially to move onto next level (house together etc.)

 

We've talked it through and he feels strongly it has to stop but after so long it cannot just come to an halt.

 

I said I will not poke my nose in any more but if he really feels strongly about it then he should at least tell me how the issue will be resolved, how he plans to do so, then I will support him accordingly to his plans.

 

He couldn't tell me any thoughts on that, instead he just went to help the person again.

Something along those lines. Does it help?

 

Oh, and the ignoring was just another way I was trying, as I tend to get argumentative when annoyed. I didn't want to start screaming at mid-night but needed to tell him I was angry. (I did talk to him but very minimal.)

[baxxter]

He just texted me saying sorry, and he needs to sleep but can't...

[baxxter]

Please guys, I need more advices before panic starts sink in...

Maybe I am asking you a wrong question,

 

OK, so let me rephrase.

 

If you were in my place, would you take this as the finale and start moving on even when he is asking you to wait for him?

[Jd1983]

Honestly, I would give it some time and try to work things out before calling it quits.

 

Try to see things from his point of view, and how things may be difficult with him too.

[Realitynut]

To me it sounds as if you're PUSHING him out. He needs to sleep and you are not giving him any peace. I drove my guy away by being argumentative also....NOT GOOD!

[baxxter]

Thank you, guys.

I get that I have problem communicating because of my argumentative side. It's not good, I know.

 

It wasn't really the case, though, that I didn't give him peace, he gets like this whenever he has anything on his mind. We went to bed early on both nights, (I made sure he has enough sleep, so to speak) but he mulled on things on his mind to exhaustion. But him packing and leaving was NOT an option in my eyes.

 

We didn't argue that much of late, so this was a surprise to me that one night of not talking pushed him that much.

 

I will work on that side of me, of course.

 

And in the mean time? Should I wait or should I move on?

It's killing me walking around the house seeing empty drawers and boxes. I want to start throw things away that we bought together.

He asked me not to, so do I wait?

[Not a rookie]

What RealityNut said.

What's the hurry and the panic for? Calm down and concentrate on your life now. Give it a couple of weeks. Do not call or text him in the meanwhile. I fear you have chocked your relationship. His problems about his family are HIS problems, do not be pushy or offer your advice if he does not ask you for it.

[baxxter]

Thank you for the post

 

I really just don't want to hang around with hopes only to hear this is not what he wants.

He walked out after I specifically said "walking out" = "break up", so cannot see the reason for hope.

But having 2nd thoughts that that may be unkind, especially after I could not deal with his issues, after he wanted me to be part of that because,

"You are a big part of my life and this is our problem, too."

 

I never knew anyone walking out of a relationship that was meant to be.

Does anyone?

[zep]

I never knew anyone walking out of a relationship that was meant to be.

Does anyone?

 

No This sounds a lot like me and my ex. I think when it's to the point where someone is packing all their stuff multiple times, the relationship is clearly not working. Breaking up can be a scary uncomfortable life change, and it does suck for a few weeks/months. But sometimes it's better to go through a few months of extreme sadness to get to happiness on the other side, than deal with years and years of a problematic, sad relationship. If you think this is a phase or a rough patch then work through it. But it sounds like this has been going on a while. Most likely, you two will do this dance of having a crappy relationship for another year or so before finally ending it, and then you will look back and think, "We should have broken up a year ago".

 

Of course, no one can tell the future, so it's one of those times you really just have to make the decision for yourself. Personally I didn't leave until my ex ended up cheating on me, even though we had been unhappy more than half time time for over year and I had packed up my stuff to leave a few times. All the advice I read everywhere was clearly pointing to "end the relationship" but I still had hope things would get better. Now I kick myself for not leaving earlier. But some life lessons you just have to learn for yourself.

[baxxter]

Zep,

thank you, and sorry you went through the pain.

 

Our relationship has been mostly great, though, despite the volcanic quarrels here and there, we always made up in that day, and we have been fighting lot less of late... (He did say so to me, too.)

 

The thing is, I am not sure if there is such a thing as rough patch, or how to tell that is one, especially when the other person made it quite clear that he wanted OUT by packing and leaving, if coming back is not allowed. In my last relationship I thought we may be having a rough DAY, and 3 days later he dumped me. (He himself admitted that the problem was only in last 3 days!!)

 

I think this family issue was just too sensitive for him to have me involved and maybe I stepped in too far...

How far, I am yet to know.