He Won't Give Me My Stuff Back

[jackson3]

I dated a man over 5 months and things were great except whenever we fought I would threaten to end the relationship. Well, he called my bluff a month ago and wouldn't take me back. He called me a week later and we had a great conversation. He mentioned dating again. Then, a couple of weeks ago he asked me to drinks and cancelled at the last minute. I have also been trying to get my stuff back from him for a month but he won't give it to me. He keeps making excuses and says he's too busy. I even offerred to arrange to retrieve it in ways he wouldn't have to see me. Do you think it means anything that he is keeping my stuff? Do you think he's trying to keep the door open, or is it just wishful thinking on my part? I read about having a month of no contact. Should I just wait 3 weeks or so and try again?

[lady00]

It sounds like he's just being a jerk because he knows you want your stuff and he's trying to spite you by keeping it. I'm not sure what you can do about this because if you try and get a mutual friend to get your stuff then he/she might get stuck in the middle of this...my best advice is to just stop asking for your stuff for a while...give it some time and hopefully he'll come around and give it back.

[jackson3]

If I insist on getting my stuff back now, will it ruin my chances of working out the relationship?

[mahlina]

Sounds like he's keeping your stuff, just for something else. Not in a good way though. In other words, he's using this situation for his own convenience. It's almost like playing games, kind of like teasing. He figures that if he keeps your stuff, then whatever he says, or however he wants to mess around with your mind, it will be to his advantage. If I were in your shoes, I would try to forget about my stuff, at least for now. His tactic kinda sounds shady to me. If someone truly loves you, then they would respect you enough to try to make a relationship work out. And, if they truly loved you, and things don't work out, then they should also be mature enough to return your things without making it so difficult. That's just what I'm sensing....

 

I also see that something else is not right. Why break up, and mention getting back together again? Especially if he was so adament about not making things work out the first time he called it quits? Remember to watch out for his alterior motives. Maybe he has another backup chick. That's why I see that something's just not right. Make sure that he's not trying to take advantage of you in any way. Take care...Keep us updated.

[jackson3]

Thanks for your advice. I'm quite certain he didn't have a backup chick before we broke up, that's for sure. He was calling me and emailing me several times a day. On nights we weren't together, he would phone me so there's no way he could have been w/ someone else. Well, unless he skulked over to her house at midnight! l We were even making plans for the holidays.

Wouldn't you think if he really wanted me gone he would give me my stuff so that he didn't have to deal w/ me anymore?

It sounds as if those of you who've responded feel there is no hope. : (

[mahlina]

You're welcome. Well the thing here Jackson3, is...(btw, I do know your pain. That's why I care enough to write back.) The whole situation is about Respect. You must first of all, ask if this guy's worth it. Here are some questions that I would ask, if I were in your shoes. I know that love is blind, so hang tight. This is what I see:

 

1. If a guy truly loves me, then wouldn't that mean that he would want to work things out no matter what? If he does, then he would make darn sure that he shows his effort.

 

2. If I'm in a exclusive relationship with someone, and they want to break up, what are the reasons why they want to get back together? Are the reasons substantial enough?

 

3. Why did we have to break up in the first place? If he's going to be like this now, then how will he be like in the long run?

 

4. If he can easily walk away, then what does it say about his devotion to me? Does he treat me like I'm mediocre? Or does he treat me better than that? If he's like this to me now, then how will he be like, if we end up getting married and having kids? Would he walk out so easily?

 

If he truly loves me, then he wouldn't leave me hanging, he wouldn't let me question things, and he would be a 'Real Man' by showing me honesty. See, a Real Man never stops fighting for what he believes in. This also means fighting for the woman that he loves. There are only a few women that a man will give his heart to. So ask yourself, "Am I one of the special ladies that he shows his devotion to, other than to his mother? If this is the case, then how does he prove to me that I am worth it?"

 

Jackson3, know that you are worth fighting for. I've been in a situation in which my ex played with my heart. Being in love with him, I was totally blind. It hurt me more than you will ever know. It hurts most to know that he dangled my emotions around, without feeling any remorse. He was a poker-faced liar, nothing but a smooth player. And remember, a player is good at his game. It hurt me most to know that I let myself fall into his trap. I noticed the red flag warnings early on, but just let things slip away by being in 'denial'. Well...that's love for ya...sometimes, we think too much with our hearts, rather than finding logic to our situations. I hope this helps! Hang in there girl...

[Mun]

I agree with Mahlina, I think he is keeping your stuff for now because he is on some kind of power trip. He has your stuff=he calls all the shots. And since he already broke a date with you.. looks like he is the one in control here... or at least feels like he is.

 

Maybe he wants you back and that's why he needs this power...but just as Mahlina says ... he has to win you back. He has to prove himself to you so that you can trust him. Right now with this situation with your stuff.. it's kinda putting him in a bad light. Be careful.

[jackson3]

Thanks again for the advice.

I thought about calling and telling him to have my stuff at his office by a certain time/day so that I could pick it up. I don't think he want want me running down to his office everyday and this might motivate him to get it there and to stop playing games.

I really really care for him. I just don't want my obsessing over my things, to destroy any opportunity to repair the relationship.

Yet, if there is not going to be a relationship, I really do want my things back.

[Mun]

If you do decide to call him, then be very firm and no "ands, ifs or buts" about it. Be very clear and don't apologize for it.

 

He will respect you more if he sees that you will not play games with him about this. If he refuses to give you your stuff then you will see that his bevior is not only inconsiderate, it is disrespectful....then you will know what kind of man he is... and I imagine you will need to decide if you really want to get back with him.

 

I know this is easier said than done, but don't let fear of not getting him back keep you from being strong. That kind of fear is the last thing that works with a man. Being strong and no bull is what works. trust me