infidelity is complicated

[itsallgrand]

The problem I have with that viewpoint, personally, is there is no reason two people can't find others who hold equal values to that then. If a person doesn't think monogamy is reasonable - be upfront about it, don't commit to it, and the "cheating" is eliminated.

 

Cheating is the specific act of doing something which a person promises to do. Whether they are vows recognized legally or not, if vows and commitments are made between two people, isn't it reasonable to expect the other will hold up to it? Otherwise, there is no point.

 

I've never cheated, but I have been cheated on. Does that make me better? No. But it made me more honest in that instance. I knew what I was capable of and committing to. I held myself to it. I don't think it is true that all people believe that long term relationships without cheating are unattainable. And I don't all people think of lying as a courtesy.

 

Of course, there are people who are more cavalier about the whole thing than others. Hell, some people even see it as part of an unspoken truth - sure , we are a couple/getting married, but there will be f/ing around. Not everyone, though.

 

Also doesn't take away that those who are faithful enjoy f/king as well, and like variety. That really has nothing to do with it. It really comes down to whether a person values fidelity or not: that is about all.

[Doofus]

I think you misunderstand my point. It's not that some people in committed relationships want to f*** around, it's that nearly all do. If you're a sexual person, then, at some point in a LTR you're going to feel lust for someone else; it could be a movie star, it could be for just a moment, but, at least mentally, and, a little bit physically, you will stray from strict sexual monogamy. Now, that doesn't mean you will actually scre* that person. In fact, almost all of the time, even 'cheaters' won't. My point is this: Given that unalloyed sexual fidelity, mentally , physically, is so uncommon, and, given that straying sexually is not killing someone, not maiming someone, shouldn't we relax a little about it? The rhetoric on this forum in particular is way way way too overheated.

People break up with their partners for all sorts of reasons, that includes because their partner cheated. People forgive their partners all sorts of transgressions and that includes being cheated on (and, actually a whole lot worse stuff than that). This forum should be a place where both cheaters and cheat-ees get a fair hearing, receive advice, scolding and support. If all it is is some sort of Manichean puppet theater, then they just ought to close it down.

[Realitynut]

Agree with everything you say.

 

Have i cheated? Yep. Loveless marriage for 20 years...no sex for the last 15. Why? Cuz i didn't love him....or much like him. Stayed for children, home, security...you name it.

 

He found out and filed for divorce the next month.

 

Found a man i was crazy over. 3 years later.....as we were planning our wedding...found out he met another woman. His reasoning? Wasn't 'sure' if he was in love with me....so wanted to test the waters and find out. WE were having sex VERY regularly ..so it wasn't for lack of SEX! Killed me...but i forgave him and DID take him back...over and over. I feel cheating CAN be forgiven, if they are sincerely sorry. Come to find out...he wasn't.

 

I DO believe in MOST cases, there IS a reason...and an underlying problem that leads to cheating. I understand perfectly why i cheated....and i don't feel guilty one bit. I also understand why my ex-fiance cheated...even tho it killed me...and he was a coward and a BIG liar...i still understand it.

 

My dad was a cheater all his life. We all new it. My mom, us kids, his business partners. We all felt sorry for mom. But now that i'm older....I realize there were deep probs early in the marriage....and he went looking elsewhere for that 'need' for attention. He was sort of like JFK...his hero at the time.

 

Was he selfish? (he died last year at age 79) yep.

Do i have more empathy now that I'm older. Yep.

 

As i've aged, i have truly learned that life is not so black and white.

 

I applaud OP for not acting out on his desire to be intimate with this woman. I think 'most' men would have.

 

Just having been in both situations....having 'gutted' my husband (for a few weeks..lol...he is now happily married!) and me being gutted by being cheated on....(he even called her the night before he proposed to me) I have an understanding that having been on both sides of the fence has afforded me...

 

Sorry i'm not as articulate as CatsMeeoow....but i just wanted to give OP some support and say YES I UNDERSTAND.

[itsallgrand]

But cheating on a partner can kill and/or maim them...by giving them diseases which can alter their life forever. Even if the cheaters use condoms.

 

It IS toying with someone's life and health...and I don't think it ridiculous that some people take this very seriously.