There is hope for us but it all depends on me

[pandorasbox1]

So its been 20 days since the breakup. The breakup was amicable and happened because I was so overly obsessed with him and our relationship. He was starting to focus on other areas of his life and I couldnt do the same. I realized my behaviour and I knew I had to start focusing on me but somehow I just couldnt put the plan into action. I would do okay for a while but somehow kept falling into the same cycle of obsession. The breakup was a way for us to take some time apart from each other. We both still really love and care for each other but we couldnt keep going on the way we were; we both knew it. We both thought the time apart would help me find myself and be a bit more independent and not base my whole life on him.

 

Up until the past day I have been on medication to deal with the breakup. I feel I was doing better but that it was only numbing me and that I wasnt really dealing with anything. He and I have been in somewhat regular contact. I saw him for the first time again on Saturday and I feel as though all of the confusion that I had before dissipated. He told me that he is sure he wants to be with me in the future but that we cant have a healthy relationship until I learn to focus on me. He noted how well I was doing on the meds but he said that it bugs him because he feels as though Im not really dealing with anything. He said he went into the breakup acknowledging that this may well take months and that he is willing to risk waiting for me. He ended up kissing me and things felt really intimate again towards the end of our meeting. I felt happier and more at peace. But since then I've stopped the meds.

 

I know what I need to do and I know what I need to change. I desperately want to be with this man. Im worried that if I do find myself I will lose all feelings for him. At the same time Im worried that if I hold onto these feelings that I will keep falling into the same patterns. I know that I need to focus on me and live my own life and I desperately want and need that also. But I just cant seem to put any of this into action. I want to go out with friends, but I only really have one. I want to go do art classes, but I cant bring myself to put this into action. I feel as though I am still procrastinating; Im still making him my whole world even though he really isnt anymore. I feel like my mind is at war with itself. Im so lost. PLEASE, I need advice.

[Supersarahp]

Hmmm it doesn't sound to me like you guys are broken up. Just having a time out maybe.

 

How long were you together?

 

I think it is unfair that all the pressure is on you to make changes. If you were overly obsessed with the relationship then there was no doubt a reason why.

 

Can you clarify what you mean by over obsessed. I mean I'm not sure how that is even possible? Surely when you are totally in love it is natural to build your life around that other person etc. or was it that you smothered him and refused him any space? Or that you were suspicious of him???

[Marshall11]

Wow, this sounds almost exactly the same as me. We broke up 3 months ago, started seeing each other again but a lot more relaxed (we were living together) and the same old issues coming up. I was making him everything and worrying and panicking when we weren't seeing each other.

 

As is stands at the moment we are having a weeks breathing space and meeting up at the end of the week to see if we can see a direction for us. It's hard, so so hard because like you I don't have a load of friends and I have a young daughter so my social skills are limited.

 

All I can advise you though is that you really really must trust him and give him some space. It will be so hard and you will feel angry and hurt that he chooses to be away from you but you MUST believe him when he says he wants to try again and use this time to really become a healthy minded person.

 

Sign up for that art class, you will feel amazing afterwards.

 

I will say to be careful what you're listening too, make sure you're clear. Have you guys broken up? Are you on a break? How will you feel if he dates someone else whilst you're making these improvements?

 

Please try and make yourself feel better for you, because when you're content with who you are he will become an added bonus to an already happy life.

 

Date yourself for a while, read books, write a journal, take long baths, run, meditate - there's plenty you can do alone to improve your well being.

 

I'm really sorry you're hurting, I understand exactly what you feel. I thought I was living with the man I would spend the rest of my life with and now I'm here struggling through trying to make it work.

 

This too shall pass.

 

Best wishes.

[pandorasbox1]

we were together 1 year and 5 months

 

I dont think that all of the pressure is on me. I think it comes accross that way because I feel like I need to make these big changes. I know that he realizes his behaviours were also wrong and I know that he is also trying to make changes within himself.

 

I think I became so obsessed with him because I felt like I was losing him. This all happened last December when his sister came over to visit (she lives in UK now). He changed when she was here and I panicked. I tried to hold on tighter and I think I did smother him which caused him to put even more distance between us which didnt help me being obsessed over losing him.

I really feel like his sister was the root of all of this but I dont want to be one of those people that places the blame on someone else.

[pandorasbox1]

Marshall, You described my feelings exactly. I really do trust him implicitly and he trusts me too. In fact, neither of us have been so trusting of another person before. I want nothing more than to be a healthy minded person, Im just struggling with it so much.

 

He told me that he is not interested in anything else, nor is he looking. He wants to be with me and I think that in a way we are still committed to eachother. Its hard to explain because we've broken up but dont want to see other people. It does seem more of a break.

 

There are plenty of things I enjoyed doing before I met him, it all just seems so bleak and unenjoyable right now though. Im hoping with time I'll get better, its only really been 3 weeks so far.

 

Thank you and I wish you all the best with your problem too

[offplanet]

Going to an art class would be absolutely the best thing you could do at this stage. There is more to life than this one guy. There is art! Seriously. It could change your life.

[Picara]

Sounds similar to my situation so 1) yey! you're not alone - yours and his behaviours are normal and shared by a lot of people, and 2) I'd recommend reading the book "Attached" by Amir Levine, and Al Turtle's website. I'm dating my (ex?) boyfriend again and it's helping immensely with doing things differently.

 

Good luck

[snappy5]

A couple therapy sessions might help you figure things out. They did for me.