Girlfriends Past

[digger81]

I have fallen in love with a girl who is so perfect for me. I have never met anyone who shares such similar tastes etc. But I am having trouble dealing with her past

I have been saving myself for the right women, which I believe I have found. But she has had another 5 partners. When I think of this I think I'll just be number 6, nothing special to her. WHile I know she loves me I find it hard to accept I will never be that special or a first in any aspect of her life. I am fine with the two guys she had a long term relationship with(one for 4 years). But the other 3 used her in a moment of need when she was 16-17. She has been brutally honest about it all since day one, and I thought I could cope but its getting harder and harder the more I think about it. I know she was a different person then, then she is now, but why does it bother me so much.

TO make things worse, while I said I have no problems with the ex's that loved her., the one of 4 years is still around and they are close friends. Due to my work I have to travel a lot and sometimes he sees her more then me. to make it worse a week after they broke up, not only did they continue sleeping together, they then went and got matching tattoos to remember the relationship. I would be fine if they got it during the relationship but after.... I see it and I feel like I'm worth nothing.

I asked her once how her ex coped with the other guys she had been with and she said he never did, he would grunt and change the topic, but sometimes he would bring it up when they argued.

To make things worse two weeks after they broke up she found another guy and was going to move in with him but decided not to. THis ended about a month before she met me. She told me she never slept with him and that she didn't do it in the end because she never loved him. WHile I believe her I am still worried about how she even got in that situation.

I have talked to her about this many times, every time she is honest, and it makes me feel worse, and when I told her sometimes I just feel like number 6(I don't dare ask how many other boyfriends she's had and not slept with), she gets upset and says it makes her feel cheap. WHich is true, it does make her feel cheap and I am a bad person for doing it.

I shouldn't be thinking about those guys, I know she loves me and is loyal to me, but sometimes her past is there in my face. To make it worse I realise that her past is going to affect all her relationships,as it did with her ex, for me etc. I realised that any guy who really loves her will have problems with her past, the ones that don't are like the guys that created the past. People say 'get over it you love her', but you can tell they don't understand. This is a bad situation for both of us. It is ruin our relationship and her past could be ruining her future relationships if we don't work out. She shouldn't be judged for her past, I didn't even know her. I do love her but why can't I let it go?

Please help me

[Mun]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like you feel cheated because she didn't wait for you. I understand how you feel, but how could she wait for you if she didn't know you then?

 

It is unfair to argue about something that was before your time and that she cannot change. You waited and it was a personal choice, she did not ask you to wait. If this is so important to you then maybe you should look for someone who has waited just as you have.

 

As a woman I can say that anytime I have had a relationship I wanted it to last forever. The last thing I wanted was to have to move on to someone else. This is why I was married for too long with someone I shouldn't have been with. I imagine your lady also did not want to accumulate lovers but it just happened that way.

 

I would hate to think that you will spend the rest of your life with your lady and constantly remind her of her past. It will destroy your relationship. If you love her then you will learn to accept her for who she is. If you cannot do that then, I'm sorry,but maybe you are not the right man for her.

 

I hope you can make a wise decision that you will not regret.

 

Good luck to you

[Hailey]

Hi digger,

 

You're talking about her "PAST" right? that means these all happened before you get to know her. Then I think you're not in the position to judge her "PAST". If you love her, forget all about it and work on your relationship and DON'T mention it again, especially during conflicts.

 

But if she's still being intimate with all these boyfriendS or ex, I don't think she's THAT into you, you know what I mean? I'm not saying that she shouldn't have any male friends but she's better keeping a distance. If she loves you, why she wants to keep those boyfriends at the same time?

 

I think a good and long-term relationship needs works from both of you. Let say if you able to "tolerate" being number 6 NOW doesn't mean you ACCEPT that. Afterall, the problem is still there.

 

You may try talk to her, see if there's any reason for her keeping all these relationships..... will she mind if you dating other gals ? I know it's not easy man, but you need to do it otherwise as you said, it just ruining the future relationship .

[DBL]

You need to get past this hang up. I think you are making a big deal out of it. Any woman under 10 guys is good. 11 guys if she is really hot.

 

Anyway...don't blame her for her past. The past is the past and that is all there is too it. If you can't get past that now in the beginning of the relationship...you are not going to get over it at all. You mentioned this is ruining the relationship...however I see it a bit differently. I think your dwelling on this is ruining the relationship. Let's face it, there is nothing she can do on her end because what is done is done.

 

On another note... I personally would not date a girl that got matching tattoos with her x boyfriend. Especially if she is close with her ex boyfriend and was sleeping with him after the break up. I think there are issues that go beyond her doing 5 guys. That is the part that I would be least concerned with.

 

DBL

[digger81]

Thats the stupid thing. I know the way I am thinking isn't logical, and for 3 of them she was used by some scumbags who saw an oportunity when she was suffering(a death in the family where she found the body 3 days later). And I can't understand why I feel like this. Its so stupid, I know I am the bad person in this not her. And not a day goes by where I don't curse the fact I chose to wait, which is the cause of me reacting like this. I think in the end I hate the fact she was used.

But also as stupid as this sounds I don't think it would be as hard if I was number 5 and not 6, which once again is stupid.

I am in my mid 20's and have been single for most of my life. I hate the fact that men who don't care about the women they sleep with can do this, it would never enter my head nto do something like that and yet at the end of the day those guys win, while blokes like me are left out in the cold, and at such a late age it really hurts.

I am doing everything I can to deal with her past, but I have so little expierience in relationships that its hard. But she has been understanding, which helps and makes it worse because I think I shouldn't be like this, there is no ifs or buts she cares about me.

I don't want to leave her but more and more I know she deserves someone that can deal with this issue better and not drag her through all this crap I have. I just want her to be happy.

[Mun]

Look if you want her to be happy and you both love each other then you are the man she needs. As you say these other guys just used her and disrespected her. You won't do that.

 

Think about this very carefully, you don't want to make a mistake you will regret later.

 

If the issues are something else, like DBL suggested then you need to deal with that separately. Maybe you feel that you are not as special to her as those other guys were? Just wondering..

[digger81]

as for the relationship with the other guy. I can see that they are mates and the love is gone, but they are close mates. She said they only slept together for one week after they broke up and then ended it and got the tattoo. I know there is no infedelity happening, but it is always like having one of my issues pushed in my face. He is actually a good bloke. She really is into me, that I know, and with honesty that brutal she does want this to work and have no secrets.

I have talked about these issues so many times with her and each time she is patient and honest, but it goes around in circle in my head. One of my mates suggested I should even the score, but I can't do that, that cheapens what I believe in.

Though the fella that thinks if a girl has had 11 guys its hot, you are one of the people who don't understand this situation. WHat you think isn't wrong, heck I wish I could think that way, but I can't. I'm too old fashioned.

[MarkUK]

I can understand your concerns, to the extent where I think it is better not to reveal each other's past to the other, as I have seen several relationships destroyed by the "three in a relationship" syndrome, i.e. the two partners plus one of their ex-lovers.

 

Having the tattoo was insensitive to your feelings, especially as it is permanent. Imagine if you put a photograph of one of your ex-girlfriends next to the television, for her to look at each day! However, people do not always think, and if she had realised that you would be hurt, then she might have not had the tattoo.

 

As for dealing with a partner's past, someone once highlighted a few things to me. One is that your past makes you the person that you. For example, those four early "relationships" might have left feeling bad about herself. Then you come along; you treat her with respect, the total opposite to the previous four. If she had not experienced the things she had, then she could not appreciate you as much as she does.

 

Second, the most important thing in a committed and loving relationship is to be your partner's last rather than necessarily her first. The last will mean more to them.

[digger81]

There is no ifs or buts, I have told her in that respect of her life I don't feel special, that I will never be in top five(about 3 minutes after saying this I went to the bathroom and threw up, I felt so low because I had cheapend her and more then anything I knew this was hurting her as much as me)

[DBL]

Well atleast you know that you shouldn't be acting like this...that is a step in the right direction. I hate to tell you this, but I doubt 3 guys used her. It just does not make much sense to me. One guy...maybe, but 3? Too coincendental for my taste.

 

Personally I see nothing wrong with 5 guys. I would never marry a virgin. Atlest you woman has been with guys before, so she will not be curious like a virgin would be years into the relationship. My future x's mom was a virgin when she met my future x's father. Her mother is like 45 years old or something and said that she wished she experienced more. So you should feel lucky this part is out of her way. It is really in your head bro. If she been with like 20 guys...I would have a hard time with that too. I would still take what is mine, but it wouldn't last much after that.

 

I remember being number 6 with one of my girlfriends...I think i'm like 3 or 4 deep now. Anyway...what matters is that she is with you, anything before that doesn't matter. I think you may just be jealous that other guys had her or she is more experienced. I can't say I was ever with a girl with more notches in her belt then me...but if I had my suspicions...I proably would not ask because it just does not matter.

 

DBL

[Mun]

Digger,

I can see this is a very serious issue for you. Maybe you will not be able to"get over it ." Spend some good time thinking about this and weigh your love for her against your jealousy. Figure out which is most important to you and then go with your feelings.

 

As I said, it is unfair to your lady to make her suffer for her past mistakes.

 

Mark is right, as usual , it's the last one that truly counts.

[Hailey]

People always have the curiosity on other's past and then they use that to judge that person. That's totally wrong. Not doing any good.

 

I only see it's a problem you create for yourself and giving a hard time to your galfriend. I bet everytime you talked about her past, she too not feeling good and you might even make her feel guilty which you shouldnt.

 

The tattoo thing.. well, why don't you add your name on it then it becomes YOURS tattoo.

[digger81]

In her defence she did get the tattoo before she new me, and she got really nevous when it was time to tell me, but she did, knowing it could make me back off, which made me love her even more for being so honest. As for saying the last is most important. That is exactly what she said to me, infact she said I never want you to be the first, only the last. More and more I know it is my stupid male pride getting in the way. I think things are made harder because I will not be able to see her for 8 months(I am emailing from an airport right now, hense the quick and many replys on the board) and I will be stuck in the middle of the Near Eastern Deserts so contact will be sparse and then in Africa, so not as bad but still hard. But I am glad you mentioned the last. It does give me comfort, at first I just thought is she trying to twist it so I feel better.

I think at the end of the day I might just be a loser when it comes to these things, my own conservative views chocking me to death.

[DBL]

I had to post again because you wrote before I posted.

 

What do you expect her to do about it? She can't take it back. You like a person because of what they bring to the table, not because of a past or because you don't feel special being one of the top 5. Numbers don't make you special. I mean you are totally disrepecting her with this. Soon you won't have to worry about making a decision on the relationship. I would be very happy being a 6 and spend the rest of my life with her if she made me happy. Just because your 6 doesn't mean you won't be special.

 

You chose to wait, she chose not to. I don't think you are treating her very nice. I think I was number 5 or 6 with my wife...but honestly why would I care about the other guys? I never once thought that they were more special then I was.

 

Honestly just treat her with some respect.

DBL

[digger81]

Hey DBL

I agree with exactly what you say. I have told myself and her that this is my problem and I am a bad person for bringing her into it. She can't turn back time and while I have never been with other people I am sure there is things in my past that she doesn't like. I guess the issue is how do I get that into my thick skull. I once told her that I have always had a hole in my heart and that when she came along she filled it, but then I go and dig another one because of her past. I treat her with respect and most of the time I do bottle up some of these feelings so she doesn't have to know, why should she, she has done nothing wrong.

This is my problem and that I recognise. The issue is not her its me. Maybe I'm so used to being alone I'm looking for another excuse to be alone

[Mun]

Digger,

I hope we are not coming accross as though we are ganging up on you. I understand how you feel... I remember feeling like that when I was a virgin and my now ex husband had the experience I didn't have. It hurt me too, but I got over it somehow.

 

What you said about finding an excuse to be alone is pretty heavy. I hope that you don't let that fear push you into losing someone very special to you. We don't get very many chances at honest love in this life. If she is good to you, don't let her go.

[digger81]

No I don't feel like I am being ganged up on. Infact I can take a hell of a lot more if it will beat some sense into me. At the end of the day I want her to be happy. If I don't get over this she will never be really happy with me. She did say she is more then happy to put up with me asking her about her past because she has never been so happy and that makes it worth some of the pain I put her through. To me that just makes me a guy that beats a woman emotionally and then gives her a moment of happiness, and I don't want to be that man. I just don't want to waste 8 months of her life while I am gone. I think she can do better then me, a lot better and I want her to have a guy that has no issues with the past but still treats her like a princess. When I tell her this she says its her choice and she wants me.

I just don't want to be another guy that hurts her, because I think the hurt would be even deeper then when those guys said they loved her and then left her.

Things would be a lot easier if I wasn't going for so long

[spanglish]

Hi Digger81,

 

I have had exactly the same problem during my life, I am jealous about girlfriends pasts to the extent that it has caused a few breakups. Like you I have no problem with the serious relationships, but find it hard to accept the more casual ones.

 

It got so bad for me that eventually I went to get help and what I was told is that I have a mild case of OCD which makes me obsess over this topic.

If it gets worse or you obsess too much I suggest a few visits to a professional. It did me the world of good.

 

Have you ever wondered why the vast majority of guys are not overly worried about their girlfriends pasts. But for us it seem to be a major obsessional problem.

 

All I can say is that first, you have to recognize that it is YOU who has a problem and that your girlfriend has done absolutely nothing wrong even if she had had 20 guys. You are lucky that she has been open and honest with you.

 

Secondly it will get better and you will accept it with time.

 

Thirdly, would you ever have a casual fling? have you? Ive had many and enjoyed them thoroughly. Our girlfriends probably enjoy them as much as we do and are entitled to experiment with sex during their lives. That is the root of our problem I think, we think that our girlfriend is less of a person or cheaper because she has enjoyed sex with someone before us, even if they werent that serious. The sooner you accept that there are no virgins out there, and that everyone is going to have some sort of past, the better.

 

Sorry for rambling on but I know just what you are going through.

 

Love this girl for the beautiful human being that she is and ACCEPT the past.

 

Spanglish

[digger81]

Well no I have never had a casual fling. I really can't bring myself to do it. But it is true I shouldn't judge her and her past or try and push my belief system onto her

[digger81]

in reply to the 3 guys she did want them as well. One she slept with 2 weeks after finding her dad decomposiong on the sofa. She said she wanted to feel something, and that is where she ended up. Another guy said she loved her, gave her a neklace and everything and after a month she slept with him. Once done he said he never loved her. THe last of those scumbags said he loved her, once again after a month they did the deed, they continued going out and he cheated on her. But he told her straight away so she thought he was sorry and took him back, but like a lot of those sleezes he did it again. She is not innocent but she was used.

 

But she was 16-17 when this all happened and was just a kid, she is now in her mid 20's which is why I find the whole fact that it bothers me stupid.

 

She is a completely different person now. Her last relationship showed her the way things should be, and she said she has even more feelings for me then she ever has had for her ex(and she really did love her ex, it just didn't work out and the love dissappeared).

 

I just don't want to be the bloke that hurts her again. But this all has helped.

[Cecelius]

I can't think of a good substantive reason to say this, but I'm with DBL: it's just not that many guys. A lot of girls end up having sex at various ages with a lot of people, more because of what kinds of guys they hang out with. Men/boys are pretty shallow at young ages (heck, maybe old ages too) and are mostly just pursuing what they want (they assume its the girls job to stop them). Girls tend to be merely receptive, not whole-heartedly, but a kind of acquiesense, because they are young, confused, don't know what they want or what they should do, etc., and are, honestly, somewhat hesitant to cause a conflict by saying no. I don't think she's any more battle scarred than anyone else though, and that's just not that many guys.

 

I've felt the way you feel before when I was younger, and the only thing that really can help, honestly, is to date around. You can't have this girl being the thing that makes you whole, completes you, etc. You need to do that yourself, and without resort to counseling, which sometimes makes it more of an issue than it should be, a little perspective and some more experiences with different girls can help.

 

I will be very honest: girls with very high partner counts are often merely weak egoed or passive for one reason or another, which is unfortunate, but they are not wanton or shallow. If the stories really seem out of place with the girl, then they probably are just a rough patch for her.

However, be VERY careful with people who make a big deal of having low counts but who have cheated before -- these are the deadly ones.

[DBL]

I have to admit I been on both sides on this subject. Like Cel...when I was younger I had some issues with it. I have to say mostly do to pride and arrogance. I would beat her down mentally and emotinally with it. However as I got older and more mature those things bothered me less. Now I known my future x wife for about 5 years...I think I was number 4 or 5...I can't remember...tell you the truth I don't even the know the guys names, how long they dated or anything like that. It just doesn't matter...what matters is what is happening now. You just have to look at it as she is starting with a clean slate. It is the heart and fun that count, not the number of guys she been with.

 

Of all of the 3 guys she was with...none happened the first night they were together, thats pretty good. Waiting a month is good to me...obviously the 2 weeks things he had her reason...so you can't help that.

 

Maybe you should be nuturing her for having to go through that instead of questioning her. If you love her enough, it would not matter.

 

DBL

[Mun]

Digger, do you suppose you are bothered by this not because of how many men or the circumstances, but because of your own insecurities?

 

She has said she loves you and she with you now. The past is exactly that--- The past. If she were to be unfaithful to you NOW then you should deal with that accordingly.

 

Perhaps you are not ready to settle down with this woman and should look around some more as someone else suggested. DBL has a good point too.. your lady did some thing that she is not proud of in her teens... you should offer support rather than pass judgement. I'm afraid it's as you said and you are hurting her with this.

 

I'm not so nice.. I would have already kicked you to the curb ....she obviously loves you... that should be worth something shouldn't it?

 

None of us can really convince you to think one way or the other. These are your standards and if they keep you from enjoying this love then at some point YOU will know that you need to change your way of thinking. It's up to you.

[DBL]

Here is an example of my past, where I fit in your girls scenario.

 

I dated this girl for several months...she never asked who I been with or how many girls I been with. One day she is on the phone with one of her friends and I heard her say a name of a girl I slept with like 5 years prior that she used to be friends with. I knew I had problems when she got off the phone. What could I do? I already done the deed. That put the hole in our boat and sank the relationship. Truth is the other girl was a lot hotter and a much more decent person. I think it made my girlfriend too jealous. She was probably one of the hottest girls I ever been with. She even won the "Best Butt" (word substituted) contest at a club one night.

 

What is done is done. If you enjoy being around her then just move on from it. We all can't be wrong.

 

DBL

[digger81]

I am sending you this one from Jakharta airport. I agree with you all. And I have never doubted its my own insecurities. And DBL, arrogant male pride, that was one of my opening statements and I agree and I have told her this. I told her I have to grow up. You people haven't been wrong for a second, well maybe that I should date other people, thats wrong, I will definitely lose her because to her, and me that would be a betrayl. One of the main reason she hasn't kicked me out is because she knows I am insecure and she has told me this. Thats how amazing she is.

I have had some very sobering comments like 'Soon you wont have to worry about your relationship. Just have some respect' and 'I would have kicked your but to the curb'. These have actually helped a lot. The fact you people, people have there head screwed on think this it just shows how amazing my girl really is, and how stupid I have been.

 

I guess when push comes to shove she does deserve better but for some reason she wants me. Maybe thats what I am really having trouble accepting. And maybe I shouldn't, if I think about how amazing she is and how lucky I am I seem to stop thinking about the past.

 

You people have given some great advice(maybe not the dating other people or the bloke who suggested a casual fling, but the ideas were all there), and this really has helped. I have been an idiot, so now I have the hard task of making amends when I am 1000s of km away.

 

Just one question, where are you people amongst my friends, if one of them had of pointed out what you people did this would have been easier.

And who says the interent is just about swapping porn.

 

Any advice on how to patch thing up in a long distance relationship is now welcome. And I can't thank you people enough