bluevacuum Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I really need some support and encouragement right now. If you're reading this, PLEASE post your thoughts, feedback and support. I'm damaged goods, a short summary about my abandonment issues and baggage. -My father was murdered at the age of 4 -My mom abandoned me since I was born. -My father's parents raised me. -I grew up very alone, around drugs and gambling. I'm going through a second breakup right now and I've noticed the following patterns about myself and the partners I choose to be with. 1st girlfriend -I was very supportive and nurturing throughout the relationship -She was a military kid, meaning her dad was in the military and she moved around everywhere -She had self esteem issues and would cut herself -She would hide her problems from me and would never talk about it -After a year of dating, she decided she wanted to leave the relationship to find herself -I got really clingy and ended up pushing her away -It took me 2 years to get over her -I went to see a therapist for my issues and tried to work through my own emotional roller coaster My 2nd girlfriend and most recent girlfriend -I was very supportive and nurturing throughout the relationship -She left a 7 year relationship to be with me, their relationship had died a year back but they didn't officially call it off -She was still living with him while she dated me -She didn't want a relationship at first and eventually asked me to be her boyfriend after 6 months of unofficial dating -I was her 2nd relationship and 2nd sexual partner -She has self esteem issues -She was molested as a child by her grandpa but she doesn't remember and her sisters confirmed it with her because they were all touched too -She sexted a married man during our relationship(he is a coworker), we worked through this because she came clean with me -She told me she has an issue with needing attention -She has emotional problems -She brought up moving in together, having a future, no warnings of a breakup -A day after our 1 year anniversary, she decided she wanted to leave the relationship to be alone -I went extreme NC, I've seen her once since the breakup because we work together and it seemed like she was dressing for more attention ie coming dolled up on a casual Friday Where this has left me -I'm an emotional mess -I can't sleep -I can't eat -I'm trying to set up an appointment with my therapist who I haven't seen in close to a year now -I don't do well with relationships ending, I think it brings up my abandonment issues -I've decided that there is no going back to my previous relationship, she has betrayed my trust -I'm having a difficult time coping with the thoughts of what happened and thinking that she is probably out there having sex to validate herself -I want to move on -I don't know what to do, my mind sees all the red flags but my heart still aches -Am I attracted to broken people that will end up leaving me? -I'm noticing a pattern and I'm really scared of what the future holds for me Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Hi, You are not "damaged goods" - there is no such thing. You are just a person who has had a tough start to life. Stop thinking so badly of yourself - it could become a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe you are attracted to broken people. I think I am. I am a rescuer and I am working to stop being that way. I want my next relationship to be so much more than me rescuing him. Start seeing the worth in yourself. Stop letting your past determine your future. You can be whatever you want to be and you can have any type of relationship you want to have. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got! Seize the day! Those women's problems were not your fault and not for you to take on board. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Honey, breakups hurt... so it is NORMAL that you hurt and shouldn't see yourself as 'damaged goods' just because you get upset, panicked etc. And most people have MANY relationships before settling down. So you've had 2 relationships that ended. Most people have anywhere from 4 to 12 relationships before finding a permanent partner, so this is not a negative 'pattern', just that you're learning about life and love and will in time find the RIGHT person for you. I think you are just making it harder on yourself by labelling yourself as damaged and thinking a couple of breakups means you are destined to never find a permanent partner. 95% of all people do find someone after a bit of trial and error, and those who don't usually stay single because they want to. Regarding your childhood, you had no control over that... but you are an adult now and you have LOTS of control over your life and the path it takes, and you can choose to try to live a healthy happy life or otherwise. You seem to be making the RIGHT choices to try to find a good relationship, and if you need some therapy to help you make good choices, the good for you and that is a good choice too. So don't catastrophize a breakup just because you are feeling pain... everyone does! And most people will be involved in a few bad relationships before finding someone who clicks for them. It will happen if you just keep working on living a good life and moving forward. You can talk to your therapist about whether you are actively choosing problematic partners, or whether this is just luck of the draw. Most people do date at least one or two people who have 'issues', but they learn to make better choices with each new partner until they meet the right one. So chin up! you will be fine. you deserve credit for recognizing you want to have a normal life and partner, and now all you need is the decision to work towards that and you will get there! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 btw, the best advice i can give people is that one mistake people do make is not learning to cut their losses sooner rather than later. By that i mean, if you see someone who has a whole lot of red flags and obvious issues and the relationship is not working, then don't dive in with both feet and continue to throw good money after bad. Success in life and love is found by cutting your losses and not investing too much time, effort, and heart in a relationship that is causing you too much trouble and pain or the person involved has too many issues (drugs, drinking, fighting etc.). You can't meet that RIGHT person when you are wasting time with the WRONG person so learn to cut your losses rather than investing a lot of time in someone where they are balking or not treating you right. So if you meet a new person and they say they don't want a relationship, then believe them and don't get involved with them. You kept seeing this girl for 6 months when she said she didin't want a relationship, then after another 6 months she again claims she doesn't want a relationship. So really, the red flag was there all along that this girl wasn't enthusiastic about you, but you kept forging ahead and seeing her. Next time if you meet someone who says they only want FWB or aren't lookign for a relationship, then don't waste any time or heart on them, just keep moving and look until you find someone who really is enthusiastic about you and dating you! Link to comment
thatguy25 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Hey like the others have stated you are not damaged goods. Your romantic partner choosing is done in an unhealthy way and ill explain why. Whenever there is unresolved grief or abandonment trauma from childhood you tend to choose partners from that wounded child part of you..these girls who you are attracted to and seem to have this crazy connection with are the typical dysfunctional patterns people with unresolved wounds are attracted to. There is a very hurt little boy that still lives inside you and is yearning to be loved and validated but the heartbreak of it all is it will never be from another person. You are trying to change the past as an adult and are subconciously choosing partners who will repeat and re traumatize you validating what that hurt part of you think..." i am unloveable and unworthy " but that is not true. When we are abandoned as children thats the message we internalize but it is falsely internalized. Do some research on " repetition compulsion" i promise you it will make sense. Link to comment
chickydoodle Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I do not believe the description of 'damaged goods' applies to you. You have not allowed yourself to stay too long in abusive r'ships. I've decided that there is no going back to my previous relationship, she has betrayed my trust You see how strong you are and the self respect you are showing yourself ? in spite of having fear of abandonment issues. To be a compassionate and caring person is not 'being damaged' but the danger as you say is you are attracted to dysfunctional people. It is only acting damaged and causing self damage when you allow people to take advantage of your generosity of spirit for years. The fact you are aware of this at a young age, and are open to exploring why you attract such people is very Positive. Obviously your childhood would mean you have developed your own defence mechanisms to cope with life- whether it is you are too giving; too much a people pleaser; unable to put yourself first....etc. I know you are in pain because of your sensitivity around ' abandoment' - but you are going to keep attracting such situations until you learn to overcome this fear. Life will throw us the same lessons again and again until we learn to overcome whatever it is that is impeding our progress. You are tackling your pain head on and are already aware of the cause - There is GREAT HOPE for you , with the right therapy and self belief , you can change some of the patterns you find yourself engaged in. Best of Luck. Stay Strong. Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 I just packed all her stuff. We both work at the same building and I will have my buddy place it at her desk. I blocked her number from ever reaching me or texting me. I'm sad that I have to take these steps in order regain my life without her. Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Hi, You are not "damaged goods" - there is no such thing. You are just a person who has had a tough start to life. Stop thinking so badly of yourself - it could become a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe you are attracted to broken people. I think I am. I am a rescuer and I am working to stop being that way. I want my next relationship to be so much more than me rescuing him. Start seeing the worth in yourself. Stop letting your past determine your future. You can be whatever you want to be and you can have any type of relationship you want to have. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got! Seize the day! Those women's problems were not your fault and not for you to take on board. You're right and I consciously recognize this but it doesn't make the hurt any less. Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 You're right but I fell for this girl. She didn't want a relationship for 6 months and then she asked me to be in one. After a year of official dating, she dumps me. We both had plans and I wasn't the only one who always talking about our future. So it's all really confusing to me. Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 I was in therapy for 4 years before I met this girl. After dating here and being stable, I didn't need therapy anymore, I felt normal for once. I only feel normal when I'm in a relationship. Now that she's gone, my crazy button has been pushed and I NEED to go see a therapist. I have many demons that I must face. I also let my aunt know how depressed I am. I really want to heal and move on. Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 You're right and I consciously recognize this but it doesn't make the hurt any less. One day at a time - that's all you can do Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 I dropped off all her belongings at her desk before she got into work. I'm struggling today, all I did was cry over the weekend. In in the restroom right now sobbing. My other coworker let me know my ex doesn't even look like she's hurting and is having the time of her life. I'm extremely hurt and I want to shut down. I blocked my ex so she can't call or texted me. She isn't worth all this pain. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 In my opinion, I don't think it helps you to grow as a person to call these women broken. Just like you, they had tough lives and made bad choices. I would also suggest that actions have consequences. You got with a girl who was in a relationship. She cheated on your. Sounds about right in the circle of things. IF I were you, I would give some thought as to why you have not built strong connections with people outside of relationships and work to do so. Good luck. Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Waking up, feels like battery acid thrown on my heart. I can't sleep. I had to take two days off of work to spend with family and collect myself. She is not worth this pain. She's so selfish. Everyone let me know I dodged a bullet. I agree but my heart doesn't. Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 @ms darcy She left her 7 year relationship and I gave her 6 months before we started to date. She didn't cheat on her previously relationship to be with me. She eventually confessed that she left the relationship because she was interested in me. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 My 2nd girlfriend and most recent girlfriend -She left a 7 year relationship to be with me, their relationship had died a year back but they didn't officially call it off -She was still living with him while she dated me That makes it sound like she was with him when she first started seeing you. Link to comment
bluevacuum Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 @ms darcy it does sound this way. I made sure they were broken up before we did anything. It was a weird situation because we started to talk while they were broken up but she still lived with him. A few months later she moved out. Link to comment
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