GuyNamedBob Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Hey everyone, Opinions please... I posted here a few weeks ago hoping for some advice; my ex wanted to remain friends and I told her I was struggling to see it working, but I was in two minds. (Link below). In the end I took the advice and I told her that I wasn't giving up on her, but I was going to take a step back and put some space between us to clear my head of whats stopping us being friends, to which she responded 'I'll let you get on and do whatever you need to do'. Things were going great, we hadn't spoken in almost a week (I had no intentions of contacting her until my head was completely straight in all honesty, however long that took, so weeks/months possibly), but then just 5 days later she sends me a message, just saying '...hey'. There goes my no contact! We had a bit of a chat, general small talk to be honest, which dragged out for a few days. I even tried returning to the no contact by politely saying '*blah blah*. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your weekend!'. To which she responded by saying 'So you're just going to stop speaking to me? lol. I was just being a friend So the small talk continued, I soon lost interest in the conversation, and didn't really put much effort in, so now (understandably) she's not bothered replying. In my head I know it's not healthy for my healing to speak to her or even see posts on facebook etc (hence the no contact attempt). I also know that I don't want to be friends; I don't want to be the 'dependable' guy who can offer her advice, be someone for her to lean on or be there to chat if she's bored, I know that may make me sound like a jerk, but I feel like if I fill the 'role' that she wants (as in a friend), that's all we'll ever be. As you can probably tell I'm massively confused! The way I left it (that I need time and to take a step back) was perfect, either my feelings would fade away and we could be friends or if they don't fade I can accept no contact and move on without the friendship. On a side note, I also hoped the distance would make her realise that she was wrong to think we were 'just friends' when we were together. I don't see us getting back together, at least anytime soon, but I'd rather not close that door by becoming friends, but I feel like I'm pushing her away by being half-arsed with my responses. I thought I was blatantly clear that I needed time, which she hasn't given me. Please be brutally honest! Link to comment
stranger88 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Shes using you to get over you, she will do this until she finds someone else to use to get over you... Id say you don't want to be friends and get on with it. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I don't know why you are confused. She is only trying to be friends. I would end contact telling her you are not looking for more friends and you need to heal so you can start dating. Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I also know that I don't want to be friends amd guessing you really meant just friends followed by but I'd rather not close that door by becoming friends Obvious confusion but at a time like this it is to be expected. In my reply to your linked thread, you do indicate you don't know what you want and you really need to be 100% sure of whatever that is. If you need some time to think about that and she isn't giving you the space you asked for, then perhaps you need to let her know to leave you alone for a while. Don't mention NC in any shape or form, just tell her you will contact her when you have had time for a good, long hard think. In the mean time, get your thinking head on as you still need to sort out in your mind... what you want Link to comment
surfjon Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I agree with the others here, my ambivalent GF of 5 years was doing this to me until I gathered up my strength and dignity up enough to do the right thing, walk! Create the distance, go NC if it helps, I now have, soon you'll be ready to date and live again. Relationships are simply attachments, like cars and clothes, we have to be able to let go like taking old clothes to Goodwill...or selling the old car.... We certainly don't go around nude or without a car after surrendering the ones that have worn out, so we certainly will move on to love again! Link to comment
GuyNamedBob Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 Shes using you to get over you, she will do this until she finds someone else to use to get over you... Id say you don't want to be friends and get on with it. I can see what you mean, it had crossed my mind that her wanting to keep in contact was just to make things easier for her. I don't know why you are confused. She is only trying to be friends. I would end contact telling her you are not looking for more friends and you need to heal so you can start dating. I'm just confused in myself, whether or not I do want to be friends. I'm leaning towards not at the moment! amd guessing you really meant just friends followed by Obvious confusion but at a time like this it is to be expected. In my reply to your linked thread, you do indicate you don't know what you want and you really need to be 100% sure of whatever that is. If you need some time to think about that and she isn't giving you the space you asked for, then perhaps you need to let her know to leave you alone for a while. Don't mention NC in any shape or form, just tell her you will contact her when you have had time for a good, long hard think. In the mean time, get your thinking head on as you still need to sort out in your mind... what you want You're right, my emotions have been about as clear as mud, but I've kept them to myself this past week! Haha. I wanted this space to figure out what I want, and I was starting to lean towards the not wanting to be friends option. If I were to allow myself to believe we can be friends would be like accepting that being just friends is 'good enough' for us both and close the door for good. I agree with the others here, my ambivalent GF of 5 years was doing this to me until I gathered up my strength and dignity up enough to do the right thing, walk! Create the distance, go NC if it helps, I now have, soon you'll be ready to date and live again. Relationships are simply attachments, like cars and clothes, we have to be able to let go like taking old clothes to Goodwill...or selling the old car.... We certainly don't go around nude or without a car after surrendering the ones that have worn out, so we certainly will move on to love again! Agreed! Recently I've been leaning either side of the fence trying to decide which way to fall. But you're right, I need to find that strength to walk, at the end of the day it's the best thing for me...If I walk, I can move on and see what else comes along. By hanging around, I'm only making things easier for her, not me. And if things are 'easy' for her, she'll never want more than friendship. Speaking of clothes...she has my hoody still! Outrage! Haha. Link to comment
surfjon Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Bob... One of the hardest things I've ever done is walk..... The heart plays games with us like "Oh, but if I really walk for good, maybe tomorrow was the day she was gonna come back, and now I've blown it"...... But our minds must take control and realize this is just hopeless and unbased longing, which is normal at this point. What happens is that during the time they keep us around as friends (if we allow this), we just hurt rather than start to heal. The healing only starts when we make the real break, and simply walk.... when we allow ourselves to be kept around as a friend, it really does harm us while easing their minds and making their transition easier, then once they find someone new, we are just cut off in the worst way, left to feel like an idiot and really down. I walked because I saw all this coming, she's gone and not coming back romantically, and I was determined to move on on my time frame, not hers. I'm feeling pretty OK, I think....I do miss the familiarity and closeness, but I think back on the last 2 "not-so-good" years and really question why I stuck around, the girl i loved is gone and looking for someone new and I've accepted that. I'm seeing a few girls now, just dating for companionship and to smile and sit accross form a girl.... Don't want a RS at the moment, but do enjoy the company and you have to get back out. I feel that when one is dumped, all bets are off, and that as soon as you feel able to date without being all mopey and needy, that it may be the best therapy in healing. I love the thrill of the chase and although there is nothing better than the closeness of a balanced and loving relationship, the joy of someone "new" is damn intoxicating right now! Link to comment
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