Another roommate question

[Amandacast57]

So since I seem to pick wonderful roommates, I have another opinion question regarding our newest 3rd roommate. I wanted to see what everyone thought before I said anything. I don't want to be a drama queen.

 

Anyways, our 3rd roommate has moved in. I went to high school with her and worked with her, so I felt pretty comfortable with her moving in.

 

She told us before she moved in that her boyfriend usually stayed a few nights and that he brings his dog with him. Neither one of us had a problem with that.

 

I came home last night and she was home with her boyfriend. We all chit chatted a bit and then we all go in our rooms to go to bed. It was about 11:30 at night and I made it very clear that on week day nights, the noise level needed to be almost nothing after 11pm. So obviously, my roommate and I were both irritated when there was conversations being had right in front of our rooms, laundry being done that could have been done earlier and his dog running up and down the hallway.

 

This morning, I left to go to work and saw that she had already left for work and left her boyfriend at the house. I knew that was going to be a problem, so I texted me other roommate and told her that her boyfriend was still there, just so she knew.

 

Just a few minutes ago, she (new roommate) texted me asking what time I'd be home tonight, that she is selling a table on Craigslist and wanted to know if I could be there to give it to the lady. I told her no, that once I got home from work, I was going straight to the gym. And why does she think it is my responsibility to supervise the selling of HER table? So when I told her no, she responded that she would just have her boyfriend come over and hang out until the lady gets her (while she isn't here).

 

Are we ridiculous for being irritated that her boyfriend is left at our house to sleep in well after she goes to work? And that would mean that she gave him a key, because he wouldn't be able to lock the door otherwise. And then to think its ok for him to just come over to the house and hang out until the lady comes to get the table (again without her being there?).

[mhowe]

It would be ridiculous to expect her to know the boundaries if you have not talked to her about them.

 

She mentioned the bf up front....if he is not allowed there when she is not there, I think it needs to be stated. He isn't "hanging out" -- he is waiting for the buyer to show up.

 

I think you get into problems because you haven't shared the do's and don'ts. A "conversation" in the hall, or the washing machine going is not "high level of noise". Iron it out now.

[Amandacast57]

It would be ridiculous to expect her to know the boundaries if you have not talked to her about them.

 

She mentioned the bf up front....if he is not allowed there when she is not there, I think it needs to be stated. He isn't "hanging out" -- he is waiting for the buyer to show up.

 

I think you get into problems because you haven't shared the do's and don'ts. A "conversation" in the hall, or the washing machine going is not "high level of noise". Iron it out now.

 

Obviously I can't address everything upfront because I don't know what will or won't happen. I'm just asking if that is a legit reason to talk to a roommate or if it is just something that we have to get over.

 

I didn't know that she would think it was ok for her boyfriend to hang out at our house when she wasn't there so we couldn't tell her that that isn't ok with us.

[mhowe]

I think your problem w/ room mates/housemates is that you don't think this through.

 

If you want him to leave the house when she does, you need to say so.

You can address a lot of things "up front" --- parking issues, use of stereo/tv late night, visitors, groceries, etc. Just because you knew her in HS doesn't mean a thing anymore.

 

If you attempt to "get over" --you will just breed resentment.

 

So -- sit down and talk it out.

[EssexMan]

Are we ridiculous for being irritated that her boyfriend is left at our house to sleep in well after she goes to work? And that would mean that she gave him a key, because he wouldn't be able to lock the door otherwise. And then to think its ok for him to just come over to the house and hang out until the lady comes to get the table (again without her being there?).

 

Do you actually dislike the boyfriend being there, as in he creates problems or makes you uncomfortable?

 

Or are you just getting annoyed on principle?

[melissap1991]

I agree with both of the other people. Just sit down & have a conversation with her about how you feel uncomfertable with him in your house alone while everyone is gone. Also if she's busy during the day at work or what not, then you can't really expect her to have time at home during the day to do her laundry. If she can only do it at night, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal. The washer and dryer aren't really "high noise levels". If she's got to wash her clothes, then she's gotta do it. I mean she pays the bills too right?

 

I think maybe just sit down & talk with her about what it is exactly that bothers you. I'm sure she'll be understanding & talk to her boyfriend about the issues. So basically what I'm saying is use communication & talk to her or ask if you guys can have a house meeting & in a nice way just let her know what bothers you so that everyone can be happy (:

[Amandacast57]

Do you actually dislike the boyfriend being there, as in he creates problems or makes you uncomfortable?

 

Or are you just getting annoyed on principle?

 

He makes us both uncomfortable. It's not that he does or says inappropriate things, its just that, if we we wanted a male roommate, we would have pursued one. My other roommate (who was home when he was) texted me saying she was glad I gave her a heads up because sometimes she may walk out of her room naked when no one is home.

 

But at the same time, I think we are a little annoyed that when she discussed the boyfriend staying, she didn't mention that he would be left there after she went to work. So there could be time where he is at our house alone.

 

Does that make sense?

[Amandacast57]

Yea, I agree that washing clothes is a necessity. I guess it was just that, we were already annoyed that she had her 10 packed boxes stacked in the kitchen and kept telling us she would take care of it, but would go out to dinner or stay at her boyfriend's instead. So you know how it is like those few things already annoy you, so when you hear the noise of the laundry at 11:30pm when she has been home since 5, it adds to the annoyance.

[EssexMan]

But at the same time, I think we are a little annoyed that when she discussed the boyfriend staying, she didn't mention that he would be left there after she went to work. So there could be time where he is at our house alone.

 

Most likely she was able to leave him wherever she lived before and so she just didn't think of it as being a possible issue.

 

The difficulty now is how you raise the issue without it sounding like you have a problem with him as an individual.

 

Yea, I agree that washing clothes is a necessity. I guess it was just that, we were already annoyed that she had her 10 packed boxes stacked in the kitchen and kept telling us she would take care of it, but would go out to dinner or stay at her boyfriend's instead. So you know how it is like those few things already annoy you, so when you hear the noise of the laundry at 11:30pm when she has been home since 5, it adds to the annoyance.

 

Does seem to be quite a lot of judgement and disapproval going on here, and it's sounding like a two-versus-one situation is already shaping up ("we were annoyed").

 

I think maybe you need to decide what's really important to you (e.g. no noise after 11pm) and what's not all that important (e.g. boxes stacked in the kitchen) and focus on the significant issues rather than getting het up about the minor ones.

[abitbroken]

I know you say you couldn't anticipate problems but instead of her telling you what the deal is, it was up to you to tell her what the policy of overnight guests is. "I don't care if you have guests, but your boyfriend cannot live here." Or tell her that you have no problem with her boyfriend staying but out of respect for the other roommates he needs to leave when she does, as he doesn't live there.

 

I agree that he shouldnt be there in the morning after she leaves. The other roommates should be allowed to get ready in the morning, etc, and be at their leisure and not have to dress all the way up when they leave their room to get ready because there is a guy there. I had a roommate that had a boyfriend who would stroll in before she got home even and it would really irritate me. I would think I had the place to myself watching tv in my pjs before bed, and then I hear the key turn.

 

I think that when you were interviewing her as a roomate, you should have emphasized that you guys keep a pretty quiet house and are in bed at 11. Does that work for her?And ask what her habits are.

 

What is done is doen, but before this goes on further, you need to address this.

 

As far as laundry, she has from when she gets home from work until 11, but really, you can get used to the white noise of a dryer. You will. But its the loud talking, dog running, etc, that she needs to be more respectful of.

[mhowe]

Yea, I agree that washing clothes is a necessity. I guess it was just that, we were already annoyed that she had her 10 packed boxes stacked in the kitchen and kept telling us she would take care of it, but would go out to dinner or stay at her boyfriend's instead. So you know how it is like those few things already annoy you, so when you hear the noise of the laundry at 11:30pm when she has been home since 5, it adds to the annoyance.

 

Move her stacked boxes into her room. Talk to her about the other stuff. The more you stuff it, the worse it will get --- and she has just moved in.

 

Next time, don't take anyone in who has a bf -- or whose bf will be staying over.

[Amandacast57]

I'm kind of new to the whole roommate process because this is the first place I've lived away from my parent's house. My other roommate and I had a pretty good situation with our previous 3rd (aside from her not wanting to pay the bills), because she stayed mostly at her boyfriend's house.

 

When I talked to the new roommate about moving in, I told her that I expected everyone to be quiet on week day nights because I got to bed around 10:30/11. She said "oh that's perfect. I typically go to bed around 10:30 as well". She also asked about her boyfriend staying the night and I told her that he was welcome to stay a few nights out of the week. I didn't think to say that he needed to leave in the AM because I guess I haven't had to deal with that before.

[ButterflyWrists]

I think you just need to sit her down and talk it out. Explain to her that you didn't feel it neccesary at first to say that her boyfriend should not be in the house past later than she is after staying over. The washing machine, ask her to wait until morning to wash clothes. Ask her to talk in her bedroom, and tell them to keep the dog in either her room or the kitchen. All very simple to resolve. But again, you have not thought this through as with the situation with the last girl, except it is the other way round now.

[Amandacast57]

Does seem to be quite a lot of judgement and disapproval going on here, and it's sounding like a two-versus-one situation is already shaping up ("we were annoyed").

 

I think maybe you need to decide what's really important to you (e.g. no noise after 11pm) and what's not all that important (e.g. boxes stacked in the kitchen) and focus on the significant issues rather than getting het up about the minor ones.

 

The boxes weren't that important. I realized she had just moved in and I didn't say anything about it because I wanted to give her about a week to get them out of the way. And she did take care of them last night. So I didn't even have to say anything.