Help, dispute between boyfriend and parents!

[d346]

Hi there.

i've posted here before. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but we've gone through a rocky patch. He broke up with me this past summer, because he was scared of marriage, I was upset, a month or so later, he realized what he wanted, what a jerk he was, etc. etc.

 

the most recent ups and downs with us have been regarding marriage, but we've powered through that. I have been ready for some time, and he needed to feel more solid financially, and really grow up a bit. He has recently told me he's seeing his life fall into place and he wants me in it -and in 6 mo. he'll be ready to propose.

 

Ok, parents. They used to love him. but then we broke up, I came home in tears. I was devistated. -once we got back together, they were ok about it, but were pressing about marriage -that I shouldn't be with him if he was going to flake out on me again. That has been tremendous pressure, and I think has added to my insecurities, and probably has led to me freaking out on him from time to time.

 

well this weekend the parents came to town...and over dinner, over a bottle of wine, my mother TORE into him. She didn't yell exactly, but has this running joke about getting a hit man out on him (for hurting me), and she said he owed her a turkey -(because they were going to spend Thanksgiving with us last year, but he pulled all that crap, and we broke up for a couple of days (the november before the big breakup) well, in the midst of that I had to call home and tell the 'rents not to come, because we were having problems. -they were not pleased, to say the least.

 

so, let's see, she also asked what his game plan is, regarding marriage... she also asked him other questions, which weren't insulting, but I think in the context of it all, he took offense, -like asking about his job was and what his game plan was (since he doesn't like his job, and is looking for another right now). Honestly, she's a VERY strong willed person, and I'm used to this, However, she comes on really strong because loves me to death (I'm her only) and just wants to make sure this guy gets his life in gear and doesn't mess around with me. Anyway, so I didn't see it as so bad (I was also drinking wine and was pretty giddy) The boyfriend grinned and beared it, and offered to pay for dinner.

 

the next day, I find out he's livid with me. (dinner was saturday) he thinks she was putting him down, disrespectful etc. etc. He hung up on me because he was so angry. Called me naive to think that she wasn't trying to manipulate him and poke fun at him. I called home, and told my mom, (she was surprised, and of course is indignant and says he's lucky she gave him another chance) My father, who was there -can see why he was upset, but is so used to my mother, didn't think to stop her. I didn't either. I sent him an email Monday, apologizing for her behavior, yet refuting the fact that she meant ill-will. (He implied she was a bad person) He hasn't spoken to me since Sunday night, -and I called to see if we can talk, and we're meeting up thursday (he's not ready today -he says he still hasn't cooled off, or I won't like what he says)

 

how do I smooth this out? I am prepared to power through having a boyfriend and mother who dislike one another, but what is the best thing I can say to him to assure him that the three of us weren't trying to corner him. My mother is just a domineering woman. His parents are no picnic either, and they're local! He's consistenly angry for them pushing him around. Anyway, I am a mess right now, -that he doesn't want to talk to me because of my mother. My lack of intervention was by no means an attempt to trap him -it wasn't collusion...I just am used to it, and thought she was joking around, yet pressing his buttons a bit. My family is VERY open about things. His is not. Not to mention, He knows a lot of people in his life (family, etc. that try to manipulate him) I apologized, and I don't think I should be punished for it. He knows I am not a bad person!!! I hate it when he abandons me like this when he is mad. (that's an issue too) I have been a wreck that he hasn't called. the last thing I need right now is another lame "break" over something like this. I wont' stand for it! we need to work throug things, not walk away! (maybe I'm jumping the gun here and freaking out)

[AngelOfDarknes]

his so selfish..your mom is right he better be happy she gave him another chance..i think you should leave him cuzz everytime he has prob he shuts you out thats crazy..you dont deserve that its just a waste of time...

[Beec]

First of all, you may hate it when he abandons you, but what did you do to him. You sat there in front of him and watched him get attacked, at least how you seem to see it now, and did nothing. If I was in his shoes, I would be more understanidng of your mother and her wanting to protect her baby, then I would be of you. Would I expect that you could get your mother to stop, not necessairly but you should have put in some effort.

 

If in two years there is a fight between your husband, whoever that may be, and your mother what will you do? You may talk to one or both of them separately, but you would need to stick by your husband. I would think your not sticking by me now, were I the guy, would be a bad sign that you mgiht choose your mother over me in the future. To me, that is not acceptable.

 

I think you need to think about that and maybe also apologize that you did not at least try to help in hsi defense.

 

Your mother should not be part of this argument also. He's made at your mother for what she did, and you call her to tell her? Why? To make sure the fires between them keep on burning bright. letting her know is not going to help smooth things over. And why did he get a second chance from her? Didn't he get it from you?

 

How do you handle it? First I'd apologize for you sitting there, in addition to one for your mother. Then, I would praise him. I'd praise him for acting as he did and taking it as he did. Then I would ask him what you two are going to do about it. Finally, I would tell your mother to never pull anything like that again. If he is the guy you choose, she is going to have to accept that.

 

My mother has some similar tendencies and tries to be pretty doting on me, even well into my 30s. Her bad m.o. is her ability to interrogate someone. I warn the women that meet her and try to offer some protection, mostly by trying to get my mother to not be that way. I will tell her flat out to stop.

[d346]

in light of it all, I should have protected him. I have in the past. I really didn't see it at the time. She interrogates me to no end. I didn't realize he was angry until he told me later.

 

At the same time, some of the things he brought up against her were ludicrous. Things that she never said, and I think to a point, he's being very insecure. When she asked about his job, there was no judgement. Yet he is very unhappy with his job, so perhaps he saw it as her hounding him about it.

 

ugh, what a mess.

[Beec]

Well, I think important thing is to figure out how to get things smoothed over, fix it so it either does not happen again, happens with little impact and/or much less often and severe.

 

Step 1. Get him to stop being angry. When you see him, I would use the approach of seeing if he is still angry and ready to lose his temper. In which case I would begin by playing a bit ignorant, act like you don't see why he is mad, let him get angry and yell a bit. And just sit and watch him as he does. At that point, I would ask, "are you done yelling". When he is done I'd rephrase the issue, and let him know a few things:

 

1. Apologize for not helping defend him;

 

2. Praise him for how he did act;

 

3. Let him know that the real decisions about what the two of you need to be made by the two of you;

 

3. Let him know that you recognize that both of you need to stick together, if you are ever going to be successful. That if it comes down to it, it will be the two of you who need to take on whoever attacks either of you.

 

If he can listen calmly and hear, then you will be most of the way there.

[d346]

ok, will do. Thanks for the advice.

 

I guess I'm on edge when we argue, since he has a tendency to retreat, and that usually leads NO communication. And I really can't handle that. At least he agreed to meet up tomorrow over lunch. I didn't have to convince him.

 

any other suggestions out there?