Is it important to find out why?

[gentleman]

You may have read my recently post about the girl I went on a date with recently, who showed strong signs that she liked me, and then suddenly started making excuses not to see me again, like she was always too busy or too tired.

 

After reading another enotalone post about confused women, I reckon she was probably an example of someone who did not know what they wanted. On the date, she told me she was looking for a serious relationship and she told me she liked me, but when I showed signs of enthusiasm to see her again fairly soon after our first date, she probably did not know what she really wanted.

 

That is just speculation though, and leaves me with doubts over whether I did or said something wrong, which made her lose interest in me. So my question is, is it important to find out why things have turned out the way they have, in order to learn for the future, or is it best just to forget, move on and hopefully meet some one else?

 

David

[koremi]

Same exact thing happened to me, but I'm a girl. I'm kind of obsessed with finding out why things happen....so that's what I would do.

see my post--

*sigh*

[Iceman26]

Hey David,

 

You sound a lot like me with the way you reflect on things after they happen, so I can relate to what you are saying.

 

I think in situations like the one you are in, its better to just move on. There is no possible way you can know what is going through her mind, and it would be pointless to ask her.....She may have someone else she is dating, or possibly even a boyfriend or husband, you just never know these days. I have a couple things I look for on first dates that I found have helped me and others quite a bit.

 

Every girl you date is going to be different, so the only things I think you can learn when you are dating are your likes and dislikes in the different people you are going out with.

[swordman]

I would move on, but I would seriously think what happened that night, what might drive her away. Learn from that. Iceman26 is right about everyone is different. She might not like your style, but a lot of girl would die for it. Especially the first date, be yourself and relax as much as you can. You're looking for a girl who finds you attractive the way you are, right? Even it doesn't work well, you at least have good time. It always works with me.

[gentleman]

Thanks for your replies. I agree - every one is different.

 

In reply to Swordsman, I have thought a lot about what happened on our 1st date and I can think of absolutely nothing negative. We got on great, never stopped talking and after the date she told me she had had a great time and she would like to see me again - and then she kissed me on the lips a few times.

 

Since then, we have been E-mailing each other every day and sending occasional cell phone messages. She responded well to the sweet things I have said in my E-mails and cell phone messages, but every time we made a plan for our 2nd date, she was either tired, too busy or had to cancel for some other reason. Sure, maybe she was genuinely tired, busy or had something else to do, but she has cancelled 3 times and I have now not heard from her for 4 or 5 days and she does not reply to E-mails/messages.

 

I just can't figure it out. But if I asked her to be honest with me and tell me what went wrong, she might just say something to shut me up or get rid of me, and not be honest. You know, the "It's not you, it's me" break-up line.

 

I have considered every possibility:

 

- She has met some one else between meeting me and our 2nd date which never happened

 

- Maybe I said something to upset her, but she responded positively to everything

 

- Maybe some one has hacked into my E-mail and sent her something offensive

 

- Or maybe she just genuinely has no time for a 2nd date, and she got tired of me asking when I could see her again. But surely one is entitled to show enthusiasm to see some one they like again

 

What do you reckon from what I've said?

 

David

[Lily04]

she's probably afraid of commitment, which is what it seems like you were seeking. Maybe don't come off so strong on future first dates..that is what I'd take away from it in any case. But it seems like it really is her and not you in this..some girls would really appreciate a guy saying they're at a point in their life where they'd like to be in a committed relationship, beacuse they also want that. Maybe she appreciates the daily phone messages & e-mails, but at the same time is somewhat scared/irked by it? I don't know. It could be that she just got out of a bad relationship as well..

 

I would just move on..

[gentleman]

Hi Lily. That is also something I have considered, that maybe I came on too strong (emotionally) after our 1st date, but all I said was things like "Looking forward to being with you again in a few days" and seeing as she kissed me on the 1st date, there's nothing wrong in typing lots of kisses at the end of an E-mail or phone message, so...

 

This is my other post, by the way:

link removed

 

On our 1st date she told me that she has been single for 2 years and is looking for a serious relationship. She also told me that she likes to know where she stands with a guy and likes a guy who expresses his feelings. So if she is afraid of commitment, it's a bit ironic.

 

If she has been put off me because I seemed too eager to see her again, I will be angry with myself as I thought I was careful not to seem too eager, but also not to appear like I couldn't care less. If some one was too eager with me and I didn't like it, I woudl forgive them and let us start again, but I guess not all people would do that.

 

David

[swordman]

Since you're sure about you didn't do or say anything negative on the 1st date and she was obviously attracted to you that night, but she came up with excusions for not going out with you again on the second date. Dave,if you're crazy for someone, no matter how exhausted you are, you will find way to fresh up yourself and go have a nice time with her, especially your just started. This peroid of time is the most sweet and memorable time for dating, agree? Most gals love this time and can't wait too long time to get another after her last date. In your situation, she doesn't do that. I would say you should get over her. Don't lie to yourself (about e-mail thing) and waste your time to find out what is wrong with you please. She probably doesn't feel any connection or is just a player. Sorry to say that. Just move on, Dave. Make your day and be happy. That makes yourself very attractive for a lot of girls.

[Iceman26]

I hate to be brutally blunt and honest to nice people (especially a fellow Irishman) but I feel obligated to.

 

If you ask this girl out, and she keeps coming up with excuses to not go out, look at it this way: She'll talk to you at work when she's bored with nothing else to do, but when she leaves the office, she can't be bothered to spend anytime with you.

 

I would ask her out one more time, and if she says no, then I would ask her why she never wants to go out.

 

Its kind of funny how she says she wants a serious relationship yet she plays these games. If I were you, if her excuse is lame, I wouldn't initiate any further contact with her. Let her come to you and then you will know if she is into you or not.

[Scout]

Hi Gentleman,

 

I TOTALLY relate to your frustration and honest bafflement here. I've got some feedback for you on it, based on a recent experience I had. I met a guy, we went on two dates that were absolutely amazing...we had a genuine connection, and I could tell he was really happy to be around me. He was extremely attentive, complimented me quite a bit, and everything about him just seemed terrific. He genuinely seemed like a great guy.

 

He totally disappeared into the blue.

 

After wondering what the hell happened, I sent him a very friendly email basically thanking him for the two great dates, and then said, hey, I know the dating rules and if someone isn't interested after a couple of dates, there's no need to really explain. But out of curiosity, is there anything I do that might be unsettling to the opposite sex? Hate to put you on the spot, but it might be helpful for my future dating activities. Again, many thanks for a great time, etc.

 

I never heard back from him.

 

Like you, it drove me nuts. I wanted to call him, but forced myself not to, and instead wrote out a list of the reasons why I shouldn't call him. That helped a lot. Most of the items on the list had to do with the fact that I had genuinely put myself out there in my email, and he rebuffed that. So, I am comfortable with not calling him now, and can only chalk it up to, he either met someone else and doesn't know how to break the news, or he's just got some bizarre issues, or...he was playing me. Neither of the three excuse the behavior, and thereforeeee, I'm not going to call only to end up feeling even worse.

 

It really sucks, but unfortunately, we all have at least one or two times where someone we thought we hit it off with apparently doesn't want to hang out with us. And we don't get an answer, so we have to just get back in the dating arena and NOT let us doubt ourselves, or the opposite sex. It SHOULD make us be wary of the person in question should they decide to contact us again, though. You know the old saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..."

 

Anyway, you're not alone in this. It happens to all of us.

[mist999]

look here

this is what you need to do

im assuming that you like this girl

so i want you to grab some flowers and few drinks, but just enough to get a little tipsy

and tell her in a strait forward manner how you feel

i hope i can help