after 10 years.. is it meant to be?

[charity]

can i tell you guys a story about me. it may be long but i need your thoughts on this.

 

AS A CHILD

i have 2 memories of my parents being together. one is of them kissing passionately after my father returned from a trip, the other is of them screaming at each other with me in the middle. they divorced when i was young and i have no relationship with my father. they had a horrible relationship. my mum never ever got into another relationship. i have never lived with a normal healthy couple.

 

AS A TEENAGER i would read a lot of mills n' boon books- who remembers them? pure romance- strong man with bad reputation, then he meets fragile but determined woman, falls hook line and sinker for her, turns out his rep was undereserved, they live happily ever after. I LOVED these books.

 

from them i moved onto movies.

 

i'm telling you this because i realize that these three things have formed my view of LOVE.

i had a few failed relationships. men who were much older, not emotionally available and cheated on me.

 

IN MY EARLY TWENTIES i met a guy who i fell in love with-EDWARD. this was my first REAL relationship. this guy was a GOOD guy, a nice guy. he respected me, loved me, was kind and intelligent. i had a connection with him.

we laughed so much.

 

what EDWARD was not however was... manly, sexy ...tough. he would run from a confrontation and while the sex was good ENOUGH, he was quite prudish and shy. i had no intense feelings with him and after a while ( a year) i became dissatisfied. i started to treat him badly... and he allowed it. i became a not nice person and i realized i wanted to end it. when i ended it, it REALLY hurt him. it didn't hurt me at all. i was ready to move on. that surprised me.

 

a year passed and one day we bumped in to each other. we got chatting and ALL the great feelings i used to have for him came back. we started to see each other again. but it wasn't long before i realized i had made a mistake, as all my old feelings of irritation and dissatisfaction came back. he asked me to marry him. i said no. we broke up. again he was devastated.

 

DURING THE NEXT 10 YEARS i continued on my journey looking for LOVE. i was not successful.

i got into toxic relationships that should have ended very fast but instead lasted years.

i was addicted to on -off relationships.

when i fought with a man or cried over a man and then passionately made up, i though that was LOVE.

 

i got into a 7 year on/off relationship relationship and had 2 kids. we broke up when i was 30 and that what brought me to enotalone.

meanwhile edward and i had managed to salvage a friendship which i was happy about. he SEEMED to be over me. but he never got into another relationship-ever!

 

we would meet up on occasion and the connection would always be there. a little voice always said that he was the right guy for me... but i didn't listen. i didn't want him to be the right guy because he was not the guy in the books/movies that i had always envisioned myself with.

 

now its been about 10 years since edward and i were involved. my kids father and i split up ne

arly four years ago. i have done A LOT of soul searching . A LOT!

i have discovered the hows and whys of my failures, i realized that i had (have) issues that needed to be worked on and i know that all this learning comes from the mistakes and experiences i've had.

and i am HAPPY. i love my life and i feel so content by myself.....i have felt truly healed and complete for about 2 years now and i feel proud of that.

 

AND SO TO THE PRESENT DAY

 

edward and i are still in touch.

recently we met up.

and i realize that i still have feelings for him.

he makes me smile.. and i make him smile. we have so much in common. we could have grown so well together.

i feel and i have always felt that he is the right healthy choice for me. he is the one i would have chosen had i had a stable upbringing and a healthy view of love.

 

but i am so scared. i am so scared i would hurt him again. i don't know whether to trust myself or not. what if we got back together and i started to mess him around again? what if my feelings fade?

 

perhaps he would not get back with me anyway. i'm a single parent now and life is quite different.

i'm worried he'll think that cause i'm a single parent with 2 kids that i'm settling for him. i myself am worried that that is the truth. but mostly i feel that with edward i feel i have a chance of happiness and love with another human being. i have a chance to show my kids what a healthy loving relationship is... and the chance to put my issues to bed.

 

WHAT IF??????????

 

should i do anything? i would love to hear what anyone has to say, good or bad.

i appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and respond

 

charity.

[Acab96]

I say you at least tell him how you feel about him. Share your fears and let him decide. He sounds like a good guy. No matter what he's still your friend!

[charity]

do you really think so? the thought of telling him makes me so nervous BECAUSE i am so scared of my own feelings, so scared i would be doing the wrong thing. and yes your right he is my friend ......whether he rejects me or not i think we would still be friends.

[onelittleladybug]

Hmmm this is a tricky one. You might be idealizing him now, if it didnt work out twice before it might just be because you dont have the right chemistry to make it work. I would maybe try to open up a conversation about it without necessarily acting on it just yet. I mean talk a lot but no intimacy for a while. I think your concerns about hurting him are real issues and very possible.

[daddids]

Well if it has not worked out twice in the past, I really do not think it can work now. Maybe you had some bad relationships that made you appreciate some of Edward's assets but at the end of the day, we are who we are. Chances are that you still seek that manly look/attitude from a man, which Edward does not have.

 

You are still young and deserve to have relationships and a good time in general but hurting the same guy a third time is selfish and mean.

 

Having a good friend that is always there for you is definitely more preferable than having a boyfriend who you may break up with a few months later.

[charity]

Hmmm this is a tricky one. You might be idealizing him now, if it didnt work out twice before it might just be because you dont have the right chemistry to make it work. I would maybe try to open up a conversation about it without necessarily acting on it just yet. I mean talk a lot but no intimacy for a while. I think your concerns about hurting him are real issues and very possible.

 

yes , this is my fear exactly onelittleladybug. and yes i think it would be wise for me to take it very easy and slowly in this case.

[charity]

Well if it has not worked out twice in the past, I really do not think it can work now. Maybe you had some bad relationships that made you appreciate some of Edward's assets but at the end of the day, we are who we are. Chances are that you still seek that manly look/attitude from a man, which Edward does not have.

 

You are still young and deserve to have relationships and a good time in general but hurting the same guy a third time is selfish and mean.

 

Having a good friend that is always there for you is definitely more preferable than having a boyfriend who you may break up with a few months later.

 

yes, i absolutely DO appreciate edward MORE now that i have experienced unhealthy relationships.

will i always crave that tough manly man? i think i will.

what can i do in that instance?. well i have thought about this and i have come to the conclusion that just because i am attracted to that type doesn't mean i HAVE to choose them.

 

I will be so honest here with you..... part of me doesn't want to give up the hope of finding THAT man. It is, as you say, a part of who i am....... and how i was reared and what i was taught to believe is love. and it may always be IN me. and jees thats a c**p thought.

 

but can't i choose different? that manly, tough, passionate stuff, is that real?

i don't think its part of real love. and i don't have the inclination to be bothered with anything other then REAL LOVE.

 

in the past i wanted edward to change and i couldn't accept him as he was.

now it is I who has done the changing. my attitude and wants have changed and i believe i can now accept and love him as he is.

but is that belief enough? there is always the chance that i will hurt him again and that there is something in mine and edwards dynamic that hasn't worked twice and may not work and third time.... and thats my fear.

[daddids]

Well no one can tell you for sure that things will or will not work out between the two of you.

As for the manly and though part I have heard lots of girls saying they have a specific type of guys, or they look for specific characteristics on them, but I have also seen the same girls dating and being in love with guys who are nowhere close to what they were describing.

 

It is all about the chemistry and the spark between the two. When those two exist, nothing else can stand a barrier, distance, age, characteristics, none of those really matters.

 

I do not see any chemistry between you guys.

On the other hand life is too short to not risk about things that are worth it, but use your brain more and your heart less when it comes to ex's.

[dumPI]

I think you are scared of one thing which you summarized in "Edward never had another relationship". You are scared that he always wanted and loved you and he always knew. You are scared that he loves you THAT much. Always the ones feeling "less" (or thinking they feel less) are the ones having these scaring thoughts ("He is more into me than I am into him", etc).

 

On the other side you had your share of relationships. He had none more. I guess after so many relationships something might be broken inside you. Your toxic relationship quest tells a lot about that.

I start to think that some people are truly unable to love at any given age. Maybe movies, stories, etc made you that way forgetting that real love is the warm feeling rather than the rushes of passion and the novelty.

[charity]

are scared that he loves you THAT much. Always the ones feeling "less"

 

On the other side you had your share of relationships. He had none more. I guess after so many relationships something might be broken inside you.

I start to think that some people are truly unable to love at any given age. Maybe movies, stories, etc made you that way forgetting that real love is the warm feeling rather than the rushes of passion and the novelty.

 

ahh that is an interesting point dumPI, maybe i AM little scared that he loves me so much and has never faltered in that.

 

i do not think i am unable to love now. i think i WAS unable to love, hence the unhealthy relationships. now i am very happy and much more secure and rational.i'm not a slave to my emotions. i feel that i can give and accept love a lot better now.

now i HOPE i can be happy with love being that warm feeling that you describe, i think i can...... but i also know that no amount of theory or learning or preparing can actually show me if i have changed... there is only one way to do that....

[mhowe]

I don't think you were "taught" what love was about -- your beliefs are informed from novels and movies. And, as your past has borne witness, you have made unhealthy choices chasing the "romance" of falling in love.

 

I think you are trying to make yourself love Edward -- and that you are settling for safety. For what you were not truly attracted to -- from the start.

 

I would broach the subject w/ him carefully if you don't want to hurt him or your friendship -- because the ambivalence in your post shows this is not truly what you seek.

[WalkingGrace]

Talk to him. Tell him everything, the bits that worry you, the bits you like. And then just be his friend, hang out and see what happens. I think you need to take one day at a time and stop looking do far ahead to the future.

[charity]

thanks grace. i don't think i can tell him everything ... simply because he may take it just like most people on here did.... that is that i am just settling for him because of safety and security after my bad experiences to date. no matter how much he loves me he's not gonna relish being told that i want to be with but here are all my doubts.

 

i have decided that i am going to just be in contact with him a bit more, initiate meeting up a bit more and just enjoy our time together. if this feeling stays with me and i start to feel MORE sure then i will tell him..... but i will not do it while i am still unsure. it wouldn't be fair to him.

 

to be clear to everyone here, when edward and i were together we did have an amazing connection. i am so happy when i am around him and he seems so happy with me. we have lots in common and i am totally myself around him. he loves me as i am... and i want to be able to give that back. its easy to do as a friend but when in a relationship its harder due to my old relationship expectations.

 

i'm not going to rush anything... i'm gonna just observe my feelings and see how consistant and stable they are.

[guynextdoor]

I'll be honest with you Charity there might seem to be an amazing connection and you both enjoy the moment I can honestly say his guard is up. I don't think he will take the relationship seriously and probably just enjoying the moment. Its going to be rare to find a man who has been 2nd best twice and still want a relationship with the same person. GL

[The Raviator]

Charity...

 

You will not believe how similar our situations are...

 

I totally understand your desire to do things CORRECTLY and to take things slowly. This process will require extreme patience and restraint on both of your parts but if it is meant to be it will happen.

 

I would like for you to read the following two threads in order. You will see the painfully slow and methodical process through which my Ex whom I STILL have not seen in 10 years and I have gone through. It is nothing short of a miracle and a few months ago I would never have expected anything in the world like it.

 

Its pretty long and keep in mind when I started the thread I thought it had been 7 years since we broke up but it has actually been 10 years...

 

 

On for 2yrs, NC for 5yrs, on for 7yrs, NC for 7 years, Now LC... ???????????????

 

 

How to remain indifferent while taking on a more leading role...

 

 

Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[beat]

I don't think you were "taught" what love was about -- your beliefs are informed from novels and movies. And, as your past has borne witness, you have made unhealthy choices chasing the "romance" of falling in love.

 

I think you are trying to make yourself love Edward -- and that you are settling for safety. For what you were not truly attracted to -- from the start.

 

I would broach the subject w/ him carefully if you don't want to hurt him or your friendship -- because the ambivalence in your post shows this is not truly what you seek.

This is the best post in this thread in my opinion, yet it is basically ignored- it's funny how that happens. Anyway, mhowe is usually spot on about these things.

[charity]

you see i never said i was not attracted to edward. i was and still am very attracted to him. when he sits accross from me i have the impulse to touch him, kiss him.

when we were together we had a very affectionate hands on loving relationship. we had a spark, a chemistry.

what i was NOT attracted to however was his 'weak' almost 'girlie' side. he would run from an argument, he would not stand up for himself, if a drunk came up to us on the street he would grab my hand and practically run and i would like 'edward be cool ok'.

in the past that was a turn off for me. it made me feel like he wasn't manly.

 

nowadays my view on that has changed. i realize that stuff really isn't important at all. and he may not be manly in the physical sense but he a is a strong man in all other ways and THAT is what counts. and that is what i am attracted to.

 

the ambivalance i feel... it does concern me. that's why i came on here for your opinions. and i won't tell him how i feel until i feel more sure.

 

the influences all around us, they do 'teach' us what love is. the influences around me were not healthy. i genuinely felt that love was what was in the movies and books. my mum used to say about her relationship with my father' oh but god i LOVED him, we were so in love'. but the truth is that it WASN'T LOVE. it was toxic, full of fights and making up, bitterness and they have not spoken in 20 years because they can't stand one another.

i had to RE TEACH myself on what love is. after a few failed relationship i had to realize ' something is not right here, something in my attitude'.

 

but for all my learning and new found awareness will my natural instinct still come out?. i fear it will

 

. and if it does can i be strong enough to get past it. i think i will.

[charity]

hi raviator,

 

i read your threads. its an exciting time for you!

 

i can't really relate to your situation though. myself and edward- we had a very stable loving relationship. on his side he thought it was perfect. on my side i enjoyed it but it wasn't enough to satisfy me THEN so i left. we tried again and i left again. but there was no cheating. and edward always understood why i left. he didn't agree with it but i think he knew i had issues and he accepted it. we never had NC formally. while he was healing we had space but eventually reconnected and have been friends for years now.

i'm sure if we get back together that we will have a wonderful life. in relationships there are no certainties. anyone can change , anyone can decide they don't want to be in partnership with this other human being after 1,5,10 years. but i guess i feel i won't have the freeedom to change my mind if i so wish... bcvause i've done it to him already twice and like someone else said on here it would be just mean and selfish to do it again!

[mhowe]

Our parents relationship, for good or for bad, is the first inkling of what we believe love to be. As a child, we cannot discern the connection -- we just feel it.

Your parents, you see in hindsight, was toxic --not love. That was still your first lesson.

 

And you have tried to reframe love -- but the stuff of movies and novels is just that -- stuff. Fantasy. Not reality.

 

So, your choices, by your own admittance -- have been poor. It is extremely difficult to overcome the childhood bias.

 

And now, you are looking for safety. I did not say you weren't attracted to Edward. I said your ambivalence would come through loud and clear. Love is not ambivalent.

[charity]

Our parents relationship, for good or for bad, is the first inkling of what we believe love to be. As a child, we cannot discern the connection -- we just feel it.

Your parents, you see in hindsight, was toxic --not love. That was still your first lesson.

 

And you have tried to reframe love -- but the stuff of movies and novels is just that -- stuff. Fantasy. Not reality.

 

So, your choices, by your own admittance -- have been poor. It is extremely difficult to overcome the childhood bias.

 

And now, you are looking for safety. I did not say you weren't attracted to Edward. I said your ambivalence would come through loud and clear. Love is not ambivalent.

 

yep i agree it is very difficult to overcome the childhood bias....... but not impossible surely?

and i am not looking for safety. i'm not looking for anything. i'm not looking for love either. i've very happy just as i am, i have been for quite a while now and whatever happens in my life i will take it as i see it.

its just that now i am feeling that i want to BE with edward. like, we are so happy when we are together and it makes me want us to be together MORE you know.

[mhowe]

It isn't impossible -- but you haven't overcome the bias -- you have substituted. You have gone from toxic to unrealistic.

 

You are looking for love --- and what you have w/ Edward is friendship and companionship, and you are trying to convince yourself it is enough...or it can become love.

 

Your words: that is that i am just settling for him because of safety and security after my bad experiences to date

[charity]

It isn't impossible -- but you haven't overcome the bias -- you have substituted. You have gone from toxic to unrealistic.

 

You are looking for love --- and what you have w/ Edward is friendship and companionship, and you are trying to convince yourself it is enough...or it can become love.

 

Your words: that is that i am just settling for him because of safety and security after my bad experiences to date

 

mhow i didn't say that as MY feeling. i said i was worried that HE would think this... as most people on here seemed to jump to this conclusion.

here is the actual quote '' i don't think i can tell him everything ... simply because he may take it just like most people on here did.... that is, that i am just settling for him because of safety and security after my bad experiences to date''.

 

anyway thanks for replying and i DO want to hear what you have to say.

i don't understand why you say i have gone to 'unrealistic'. can you explain? on the contrary i feel this is the most 'real' love i have ever encountered. i just didn't have the mind to understand that ten years ago.

[wowor]

charity, I find your post fascinating because I am a person who is on the other side of the coin.

 

My ex and I had dated twice over the course of a 9-year relationship with a 3-month "break" in between. It has always been her who has ran and her description was always that she just "fell out of love." After being away from the relationship for almost 7 months now, I fully recognize that she has to truly experience other relationships, and eventually she may realize that what her and I had was love - the true, honest kind - and not second-fiddle to this romantic, socially constructed love she is chasing. She wants the butterflies again, and this is common in many aspects of her life - she grows stale and disinterested after a while. I fully recognize after dating some women since my relationship with my ex ended, as well as following a path of personal growth, that the connection we shared was not nurtured enough by either of us.

 

As someone who might be in Edward's shoes, I'll say that I will always love and cherish the time I spent with my ex. Even though I have been hurt by her twice - especially so this last time - I would be lying if I said I wouldn't entertain at least a discussion about reconciliation. However, I simultaneously recognize that holding out for something like this is not healthy. It has led me to meet someone else that I am enjoying my time with, and who knows what will happen there.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I think you are clearly nervous, and Edward probably is as well. However, life is short. The connections and time you spend with someone - especially, when looking back, you can characterize it as a positive, happy experience for both of you - are rare and happen for a reason. As I'm sure you've reflected upon over these 10 years, what you and Edward shared truly was special and it took life experiences to change your perception about what you wanted in life, as well as a partner.

 

If you were my ex, I would want you to just tell me how you feel. Don't overthink things. You said there is clearly a connection when you're together as friends. Build off of that and then open up to him.

[charity]

thanks wowor. it is interesting to hear it from yours and possibly edwards perspective.

one of the things i have been thinking of is ...would edward want me to tell him how i'm feeling? would he like to be given the opportunity to choose whether he would like to try again even if it was to fail again?. or does he need me to be 100% sure? and can anyone ever be 100% sure?

[Sportster2005]

Your kids should frame the basis of any decision you make. You have made strides in your personal growth. If you feel you are settling, then you are. There is love out there for you. Unconditional real love. There is no rush. Seek that out.