Deltara Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 She dumped me about half a year ago. She texted me out of the blue after a few months of NC, asking how I was doing and wanted to meet up to catch up. Kind of ambiguous. I didn't respond to her initial text for awhile and she texted again an hour later and seemed anxious that I didn't respond right away. Anyway, she has a new boyfriend at the moment (few weeks), but she doesn't know I know that...should I agree to meet up if my ultimate goal is to get her back? I used to be the clingy needy ex bf who did everything wrong/begging etc the first couple of weeks. Then I just gave up and have been doing NC ever since. Part of me wants to think this is the classic part when push-pull theory has worked its magic (ex comes back right when I'm starting to finally move on) but the fact she has a bf now makes me less hopeful. Thanks in advance, this community is wonderful. Link to comment
blacklantana Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Well, is your ultimate goal to get her back?... Link to comment
Chelsea1987 Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 A bit weird why she wants to meet up with u when she's just got someone new. Maybe she wants to see u to see if she still has feelings for u? If u really want her back go for it but don't act like u want her back Link to comment
Furbys Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 I think that you should not go. You say that you want her back, but she isnt going to come running back to you because you met up for a little chat. She most likely is going to meet up with you to tell you how amazing her new partner is and how you can still be friends and only friends. Don't jeopardize your healing. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Why did you two break up? If you do want her back, why do you want her back? Is it because you have examined both sides of the breakup and come to a rational conclusion about things you can do differently this time, or for another reason that you can't quite articulate? If she has a BF, I wouldn't go there, if getting back together is your goal. You might put yourself in a situation where you're "friends" with her, hoping she'll leave the other guy for you. And that would be setting back your healing for sure, as Furbys said. Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 No, if you want her back, you should tell her no. Don't say why. Ignore her. She'll wonder about you for a long time after. When you hear she has broken up with her new bf, wait a few days and then text her. Out of the blue. Don't say why. She'll think it's fated that she might give you another chance. Or, your best bet is to move on and never think about her again. You said that you wanted her back, so this is my plan. I wonder what she wants to say to you? Any ideas? Do you still have friendships with any of her gfs? Angel Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 According to your previous threads, she cheated on you, followed by giving you the boot. I wouldn't be surprised if she's planning a repeat performance, by pulling the very same stunt on him, as she pulled on you. Link to comment
T99 Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 I had an ex who did something similar exactly 6 months also. My theory then was that she knew I would find out she had a new bf, that I would take that as sign to never speak to her again, and that gave her fleeting thoughts of if she had done the right thing or not. It did not last mor than a week. The other possibility is that she will tell u she has a new bf so u don't find out elsewhere, but obviously u already have. If she cheated on u, I know it's still really hard to lose the hope, but I would not go. If u really feel u have to, don't tell her, butact like u have a girlfriend, act aloof. Wear clothes she has never seen before... Don't talk just listen. Link to comment
Deltara Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 Well, is your ultimate goal to get her back?... Yes. Despite the rocky end our relationship was overall wonderful in my opinion and the people I've dated since just haven't been as fun/the same. I think that you should not go. You say that you want her back, but she isnt going to come running back to you because you met up for a little chat. She most likely is going to meet up with you to tell you how amazing her new partner is and how you can still be friends and only friends. Don't jeopardize your healing. If she does that I'm definitely going back into NC. I'm mentally prepared for that possibility, in which I'd just say I was happy for her and politely exit shortly after. Why did you two break up? If you do want her back, why do you want her back? Is it because you have examined both sides of the breakup and come to a rational conclusion about things you can do differently this time, or for another reason that you can't quite articulate? If she has a BF, I wouldn't go there, if getting back together is your goal. You might put yourself in a situation where you're "friends" with her, hoping she'll leave the other guy for you. And that would be setting back your healing for sure, as Furbys said. It was a GIGS break up as best as I can tell. Breakup completely out of nowhere, her voiced reasons made no sense, loss of attraction/I became clingy/needy. And yeah. I want to avoid that friends situation. I'm thinking about going to this meeting to find out what her intention is and seeing if I should go back into NC or not afterwards. No, if you want her back, you should tell her no. Don't say why. Ignore her. She'll wonder about you for a long time after. When you hear she has broken up with her new bf, wait a few days and then text her. Out of the blue. Don't say why. She'll think it's fated that she might give you another chance. Or, your best bet is to move on and never think about her again. You said that you wanted her back, so this is my plan. I wonder what she wants to say to you? Any ideas? Do you still have friendships with any of her gfs? Angel Interesting plan. I'll think about it. I'm friends with most of her social circle and they all are very friendly to me but I've made a point never to talk about my relationship with my ex because I know that will always get back to her. I don't wanna pump them for information. I had an ex who did something similar exactly 6 months also. My theory then was that she knew I would find out she had a new bf, that I would take that as sign to never speak to her again, and that gave her fleeting thoughts of if she had done the right thing or not. It did not last mor than a week. The other possibility is that she will tell u she has a new bf so u don't find out elsewhere, but obviously u already have. If she cheated on u, I know it's still really hard to lose the hope, but I would not go. If u really feel u have to, don't tell her, butact like u have a girlfriend, act aloof. Wear clothes she has never seen before... Don't talk just listen. I'm leaning towards a very chill, expectation-free meet-up to find out what the deal is. I guess the worst expectation I can have is she flaunts her new relationship, after which I would totally but casually peace out, haha. Many thanks for the perspectives, this is super helpful! Link to comment
olesun Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 I'm leaning towards a very chill, expectation-free meet-up to find out what the deal is. I guess the worst expectation I can have is she flaunts her new relationship, after which I would totally but casually peace out, haha. Exactly. Don't be scared off by the idea of her talking about it. If she brings it up positively, change the subject and find a way to excuse yourself from the meeting. If she brings it up negatively, absorb the information, but don't take the opportunity to clown whoever this other dude is. Make yourself valuable by being a man of principle. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 I think you should tell her "I am sorry, but I know you have a boyfriend and I think it would be disrespectful of me to meet up with you." I think that you should ask her why she wants to meet with you, especially since this is out of the blue. And presumably behind boyfriend's back. If she should find herself single again, you might consider meeting up with her. You CAN find out what her intent is and don't go unless you know. There shouldn't be anything that she can't explain over the phone. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But you are setting your self up for heartbreak when she wants to be buds, she is meeting up to tell you she is engaged or if she has GIGS and wants to see if you are game so she can jump from man to man again because she might see you as a pushover. Link to comment
Deltara Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 Two worries: 1) saying I know she has a boyfriend could potentially imply I've been stalking her life 2) declining to meet/making a big deal out of it could come accross as still being overly affected by the whole breakup, which I don't really want to convey I feel like I need more intel, haha Link to comment
olesun Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Depends on how ballsy you want to play it. You could always go with "I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I'm seeing someone." Okay, that's probably not a great idea. But realistically, I would go. Just don't let her know you know. Does it really matter? Link to comment
Deltara Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 Not so much. I guess my objective is to discover whether: 1) This guy is a rebound and she's going through the phase of starting to genuinely miss me and is considering reconciliation. (Cool) or 2) This new guy isn't a rebound and she's purely interested in friendship. (Hell no) or 3) She's been mentally shaken by the fact that I suddenly don't seem to care and needs the ego trip of talking to me and making sure I'm still "hers" (Hell no) or 4) something else..? Link to comment
GrowingUp85 Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Why don't you just ask her why she wants to meetup? Link to comment
Deltara Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 She said we should meet up and catch up, and I told her to text me. She hasn't for about a week so safe to say this wasn't anything to be hopeful about. Maybe she was just saying it politely. Link to comment
squirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 She said we should meet up and catch up, and I told her to text me. She hasn't for about a week so safe to say this wasn't anything to be hopeful about. Maybe she was just saying it politely. Use the week to your advantage. There are two good alpha male ways to reply when she does text and want to meet up: 1. "Sorry, but I'm seeing someone" 2. "Why, are you single?" Either way will definitely make her respect you more. Link to comment
Mike80 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 ^^ yep. No need to entertain her seriously anymore. Play the game by your rules and exit with your dignity intact. Link to comment
Deltara Posted February 24, 2013 Author Share Posted February 24, 2013 Well, as usual, when I think she isn't gonna text, she does. She just texted, really friendly, wants to meet for lunch and catch up. Haven't responded yet. Any more thoughts on whether to meet or decline? I'm not seeing someone atm but I can see why I might wanna say that haha. Edit: I also don't think it's a good idea to say I know she has a boyfriend because that implies beta stalking behavior. I'd see it as more realistic if I declined future meetups after finding that out from her personally. Link to comment
squirl Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 Well, as usual, when I think she isn't gonna text, she does. She just texted, really friendly, wants to meet for lunch and catch up. Don't meet for lunch to catch up. That's what girls do with their besties. Change it to a drink, or ask if she's single. Stepping up to it is a turn-on. Don't try to sneak around it only to "find out" face to face that she has a boyfriend as you awkwardly split the check for your salads. That would be beta. Link to comment
GrowingUp85 Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 Don't meet for lunch to catch up. That's what girls do with their besties. Change it to a drink, or ask if she's single. Stepping up to it is a turn-on. Don't try to sneak around it only to "find out" face to face that she has a boyfriend as you awkwardly split the check for your salads. That would be beta. I agree with this. Ask if she's single. If no, tell her you're not interested right now. If yes, meet her at a bar. Link to comment
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