Not a priority

[Monocyte]

Hi everyone, I am posting on the behalf of a very dear friend of mine. I want to help her, so my hope is to gain insight from a perspective broader than mine.

 

Here's a brief overview of her situation:

She met a guy Mar '12. He has a good, stable career. They share a lot of similar interests and hit it off almost right away. They started a relationship in August. He's never been in a relationship before; she's been in two.

 

In the beginning of the relationship I saw that she was quite happy, as anyone would be...

It was only a couple of weeks ago she came to me crying, because she was unintentionally impregnated. I met up with her and her boyfriend to talk about the choices, and stressed to her bf to try to give her as much support as possible. I knew this was an especially distressing period for my friend, because she is very religious. There is no way she could support a child as we all recently graduated from university. That, and her father is very religious (up to the point where he forbade me from watching horror movies in their house because the only thing to fear was "God").

 

I took her to a woman's clinic so she could secretly get an abortion (after consulting her thoroughly what she wanted to do). I talked to her and she's been giving me very vague answers as to what she's been up to (when asked how she is, she states "fine".). I had to pry it out of her that she's been struggling to stay strong without her bf. I had asked the bf to take the day off work to see her after the abortion at least, but when I called up in the evening, she told me her bf had dropped her off at home so he could go home to work. She had stayed strong for him, told him she "was going to be fine", and told him he could leave....which he promptly did.

 

Fast forward a week: this valentine's day as usual on fb people started posting pictures of flowers and chocolates, and she was complaining about it. Now, my friend is the type not to care about flowers or jewellery, so I knew sthg was wrong. I asked her what she had done on Thurs, she said that her bf just wished her a "happy Vday" over fb. Personally, even though I don't celebrate Vday, I had hoped that he would do something nice, seeing that this is their first valentine's together. Once again, I had to pry it out of her that she was feeling quite lonely and bitter. She had bought chocolates and handmade a little item and card for him, and revealed to me that she felt she had to put in so much effort only to get back so little. Since then, unfortunately, she's been feeling more and more neglected. He has cut back his time with her so he could spend time with his friends, and the time they spend together, he asks other friends to tag along.

 

I believed that part of the problem was the fact that she had expectations but would hide them so she wouldn't bother or add on stress for her bf. She is very self-sacrificing. I told her to lay out her feelings and needs for her bf, and for him to tell her what his priorities were. You know, clarify things.

 

Today they had that talk. He told her his work was his highest priority. He's been busy trying to improve his work. But, she told me that he didn't seem very affected by the conversation they had; he just said "sorry", and that was the end of the discussion.

 

My friend does understand and appreciates that he prioritizes work, but at the same time, she is hiding her own feelings of hurt and loneliness, especially in a time where she needs support the most. In fact, she found herself comforting her bf prior to the abortion. As her good friend, I feel like she should be his first priority presently, because she's in such a vulnerable state. I feel that this is unfair, when her own boyfriend can't give her support when I'm skipping school and even my own partner is giving up his own time to help her.

 

I know I am biased and angry. But she loves this guy very much, ignorance and all (or feigning), and is currently willing to stay by him just to see him a couple of hours every week.

 

Please advise on what I can say to her. Thanks.

[disneyfan]

It's a very tough situation to be in, but at the end of it all, you need to tell her that she must to what is best for HER. Stress like this can cause harm to the body both mentally and physically. The most important thing though is that you are there for her, no matter what happens.

[UnluckyNiceGuy]

Hard to say what kind of guy he is from this short look into the situation, but he doesn't seem to care too much, if at all. Maybe your friend should move on?

 

If that's not possible, then I don't know what you can say. You could try comforting her by saying that things will get better soon, but you and I both know that isn't really true.

 

If he doesn't care about how she's doing or feeling after something as emotionally and physically traumatic as an abortion, then I don't know that he's worth being with.

 

Again, I don't know him at all, so I could be wrong.

[gabriella777]

I agree with the rest of the posters, that you need to stand by her and support her in whatever she chooses to do. Saying that, I don't think you should keep quiet about what you think of the situation. I completely agree with you; she should be his priority right now. He doesn't seem to care at all it seems.

 

Try and be supportive while telling her what you think would be the best thing for her to do. If she is not ready to leave him, that's ok. Whatever support she is not getting from her bf, she will be getting from you (I realise it's not the same, but she at least has you). Suggest that she might be better off meeting someone else - someone who would be willing to support her through this. Maybe someone more experienced in relationships? It's natural that his behaviour might be like that since he has had no experience with relationships at all.

 

I don't think you should provide fake comfort...don't tell her that things will get better if you know that things will not get better. Try and make her feel that she can take control of the situation and of her own life. She needs support and love, yes. But she also needs to realise that if she wants to, she CAN stand on her own feet and she CAN take responsibility for her own well being and do the right thing for her. She can do all of those things: I think you can help her realise that.

 

Good luck!