Where am I going wrong?

[InscrutableC]

As a 27 yr old single woman, I started to reflect on current and past relationships. The pattern I find in all of them is, once I begin to open up, the men back off or become totally disinterested. Ive had 3 serious relationships with a few casual ones in between, but they all possess that ominous pattern. So my first relationship was when I was 18. We had know each other for 3 years when he made the suggestion for a relationship. Being that I had had a crush on him I went with it. Because it was my first real boyfriend, I was stand-offish. After about 4 months he dropped the L-bomb. I didnt know what to think except that it may have come a little too soon but I figured that he truly meant it. I started to become more comfortable with this romance but soon after he started backing off. He didnt call me, he couldnt seem to find time to see me, and he slept with another girl. Clearly he really didnt feel that way.

 

My second, We met online, we had fun, we continued to see each other. After 6 months of dating he was discharged from the military and was offered a job out of state. I was sad and told him I would miss him. A month before he moved he asked me to move with him because I was the person he wanted to make a life with. I was apprehensive of course, but I though he was worth the risk. We lived in that state for 3 wonderful months until he had a better job offer in another state. I moved once again. But it was different this time around. I was more open after the second move because I was becoming more attached and involved. Shortly ther after, sex ceased unless it was him that wanted it. Even my affectionate gestures were pushed aside.

 

My third. After about 8 months of dating, he learned through my mother that I was dealing with some financial hardships. He asked me to move in. I refused. He pushe the subject for almost a month ensuring me that this wouldnt be the same as my last relationship. I agreed to move in only for a few months and would help pay for the small things. Again not long after, all sex, affections and work on his behalf ceased completely.

 

My most recent, 7 months. It started off as casual and escalated slowly. After the 5th month his texts became more frequent with no apparent reason for sending them. He wanted to see me more often. About 3 weeks ago he asked to meet my friends. I dont just do that sort of thing but since he had been introducing me to his voluntarily, I figured it was only fair to grant his request. Well this last weekend I decided to ask him for the first time to spend some time with me. I only recived cryptic and sparce texts. Nothing solid. Becoming frustrated with the half-assed texts I told him if he didnt want to hang out, he just had to say so, its ok. But not to ignore me. He became angry with me and told me that he doesnt have to bend to my whim. Again, that was the first advance ive made with him.

 

I am not a needy person and I dont require validation to feel good about myself. I dont crave constant attention.

how long do need to stay aloof? years? please any in sight would help thankyou.

[FYI]

It's difficult to say because I don't know you personally. But from what you've described, it sounds like you have a knack for choosing emotionally unavailable men and that's why this pattern has been continuing. All with the exception of your first boyfriend which you admitted you were standoffish with.

[becomingkate]

About 3 weeks ago he asked to meet my friends. I dont just do that sort of thing but since he had been introducing me to his voluntarily, I figured it was only fair to grant his request. Well this last weekend I decided to ask him for the first time to spend some time with me. I only recived cryptic and sparce texts. Nothing solid. Becoming frustrated with the half-assed texts I told him if he didnt want to hang out, he just had to say so, its ok. But not to ignore me. He became angry with me and told me that he doesnt have to bend to my whim. Again, that was the first advance ive made with him.

 

In seven months of dating, you don't usually introduce your friends to your SO? Do you think your BF was upset at how you reacted when he asked, or that it took three weeks to set up?

 

Are you normally standoffish in your relationships?

[InscrutableC]

The thing with this relationship is that it off started as casual. We both agreed that we didnt want anything too serious at first. I did start to develop stronger feelings later on down the road but I never acted on them out of respect for what he wanted. He was the one that made all of the advancements and suggestions. I always let the man make the first advancements in the relationships in lew of being too clingy of smothering him. As for not introducing him to my friends, I had no problem. A little surprised that he asked, but not a problem. But one thing he said during our argument was " since we arent in a serious relationship, I had no reason to be upset with him." So yeah I'm really confused on wether he wants a stronger relationship or not. Ideas? Thankyou I apprecate your time and input.

[InscrutableC]

Thankyou. I have been thinking the samething. But, what throws me off is that they all start off as emotionally open, but then they just stop. usually happens shortly after i start to be more open. Do you think its fear on their behalf?

[pl3asehelp]

I think you go into these things with your guard up. Another poster talked about you choosing emotionally unavailable men, but it looks the other way around to me.

[Not a rookie]

I think you are telling and showing too much to these guys and they get bored after a while. I am sure you have good intentions and you want to show them that you care. And the last thing you mentioned.. you agreed with this guy that it wasn't serious, so why should he take you seriously? It seems like you have been settling for less and also by telling and showing too much you are making it boring.

[InscrutableC]

so am I supposed to stay mysterious forever and never be fully open? Or am a supposed to fawn over every guy from the get go. I am open to an extent at first. Thats when they are interested. Once i let my guard down is when things get hairy.

[pl3asehelp]

I would just be yourself all the time. Don't open up or hold back for effect or to hook a man. Anything else is game playing and a healthy guy will see it and run.

[itsallgrand]

T I always let the man make the first advancements in the relationships in lew of being too clingy of smothering him.

 

I agree with pleasehelp - you do sound emotionally unavailable for a long time in these relationships. And then when you finally 'relax' and open up, that's when they shut down. Or so it seems.

 

I also have had issues with putting my guard up, being emotionally unavailable, keeping a man at a far distance for a long period of time.

 

It's not that they shut down because I open up - for me, personally - some have shut down or left because they had already put up with a lot from me, had tried or a very long time to get their needs fully met, and sometimes the timing could make it seem like "oh me opening up is why he is gone" but I know that isn't true, because in some of my relationships, the timing worked out and I was able to open up/share enough of myself that both of us were happy and getting our needs met for a long time.

 

I don't know exactly why I quoted what I did of yours - but it seemed somehow profound to me and your personal situation. Being different than mine, yet I relate in some ways. Regarding keeping a guard up.

 

What if you were able to be more proactive from earlier on in the relationship? Start opening up sooner? Take active steps towards the relationship, more reciprocation all along....might that not make a difference?

 

Maybe for you, you are afraid that opening up means you will be less attractive to a man and drive him away? For me, I have been afraid of opening up because I'm scared of being close (the closeness is what I tried to avoid) - it really depends on what your inner motivations for acting how you do are, if you are looking at changing them.

 

Yes, the goal is to be genuine. And if you have blocks, it's good to learn what they are and try to 'unblock' them. Also makes you a happier person all around.

[InscrutableC]

Maybe youre right itsallgrand. i do have blocks but not for the fear of being close. I think its that I dont want anyone to know my vulnerabilities, I fear being taken advantage of. It petrifies me. I need to work on that. Thank you all for your input and advice. It was very helpful

[itsallgrand]

Maybe youre right itsallgrand. i do have blocks but not for the fear of being close. I think its that I dont want anyone to know my vulnerabilities, I fear being taken advantage of. It petrifies me. I need to work on that. Thank you all for your input and advice. It was very helpful

 

Yay, now you are getting somewhere! Well at least have a lead in something you can control and work on!

 

good luck! Would love to hear what you come up with!

[Ms Darcy]

I think you go into these things with your guard up. Another poster talked about you choosing emotionally unavailable men, but it looks the other way around to me.

 

I would agree here. It's not good that you went into your first relationship stand-offish. That is a good way to attract guys who are emotionally unavailable because YOU seem emotionally unavailable.

 

And if you move in with someone with someone who is not committed to you (e.g. emotionally available and engaged/married to you) then you are running the risk of them growing incredibly distance.

 

I would say you should know what you want and can accept from the beginning of dating. For the last guy, you started off casual. That sets a really bad tone because you are not making your boundaries clear here. Yes he pushed, but only for as much as he wanted and not for what you wanted.